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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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July 16, 2008, 9:17 pm CDT

Your suggestions

Quote From: orionaut

Thank you for your "thank you."

 

I'll pass it along to my husband. HE and his brothers & sisters in arms are the heroes.

 

I'm just kinda...HERE, treading water for a minute, living my own prosaic life, yanno? Finishing my second Master's degree online in anticipation of launching a second career in midlife, doing my admin/exec online job, walking the dog, doing the laundry, trying like mad to research a few new recipes every week rather than falling back on the "same old same old": nothing YOU don't do every day too, I'm sure (except maybe the academic thing, and frankly that's all about MY joy).

 

Now, how about actually paying attention/responding to my suggestions? 

Your suggestions are great, but I'm not the one with the problem, my husband and I get plenty of quality time together!
 
July 17, 2008, 11:08 am CDT

I DO feel neglected.

Quote From: sandy0914

I think what is most important here is that you are feeling neglected in this relationship so a healthy balance has to be created in your relationship to make the both of you mutually happy.   I'm all for alone time and couple time also but when you find yourself alone more than you'd like to I think it's time to sit down and kinda work out a schedule that you can both agree on.

There is a book that I read and a web site by Dr. Hadley - www.Marriagebuilders.com , Books:  Love Busters & His Needs, Her Needs

that suggests 15 hours per week as a couple!   Take a look at the site as it is incredibly interesting and could help you to solve this issue by mutually agreeing on a specified time or nights etc...  Seems that creating a balance is what it's all about so both of your needs are happily met.

 The first two responses to my original post make some wonderful points and I'm certainly not going to dismiss them.  However, I have been his best cheerleader for years and put in hours and hours helping and supporting his various activities.  It's just gotten to the point now that I can see that while he might appreciate what I am doing, he sees my efforts as a tacit approval to spend as much time as he wants on his latest interest.  When I found out he'd set up a gig wth some of his out-of-town buddies and realized we'd have five people staying for the weekend, I asked him NOT to set something up like that in the future unless we discussed it first.  That gig fell through but two weeks later he was setting up another one and never even talked to me about it first.  A marriage counselor we were seeing a few years ago told me the he thinks my husband has a narcissistic personality so maybe I"m beating my head against a brick wall.  I found out last week that he'd gotten drunk one night and tried to call some woman he'd met at one of the gigs because he wanted someone to talk to.  I found this out when I checked his cell phone.  At least he was too drunk to remember the number.  I've been his "ear" for years but I'm just emotionally exhausted from hearing about all his problems at work and I asked him a couple of years ago to try and bring home some happiness once in a while but I guess that backfired on me if he's calling bar floozies at 2:00 in the morning.  Add to all of this his Midlife Crisis.  I am feeling so drained and empty inside.  I will check out the website you recommended.  Maybe I'll feel better in a few days and will be ready to put some more effort into the marriage.  And one more thing to throw into the mix -- our sex life is awful.  Although I look much younger thatn my 51 years,  the size 9 he married is now a 14.  He told me that I just don't turn him on anymore.  I'm working out and trying to diet but since last fall I've gone through menopause, had a 4th degree sprain on my ankle, was diagnosed with mono and a vitamin D defiency, and quit smoking (even though he didn't want me to) and consequently put on almost  15 pounds on top of already being overweight. 
Anyway, for years all I wanted was to feel that I was important in his life.  I guess some of us always want what we can't have.  Our 28th anniversary is next month and I'm beginning to wonder if it won't be our last one. 
 
July 19, 2008, 5:10 am CDT

Let's hope not.

Quote From: tappedants

 The first two responses to my original post make some wonderful points and I'm certainly not going to dismiss them.  However, I have been his best cheerleader for years and put in hours and hours helping and supporting his various activities.  It's just gotten to the point now that I can see that while he might appreciate what I am doing, he sees my efforts as a tacit approval to spend as much time as he wants on his latest interest.  When I found out he'd set up a gig wth some of his out-of-town buddies and realized we'd have five people staying for the weekend, I asked him NOT to set something up like that in the future unless we discussed it first.  That gig fell through but two weeks later he was setting up another one and never even talked to me about it first.  A marriage counselor we were seeing a few years ago told me the he thinks my husband has a narcissistic personality so maybe I"m beating my head against a brick wall.  I found out last week that he'd gotten drunk one night and tried to call some woman he'd met at one of the gigs because he wanted someone to talk to.  I found this out when I checked his cell phone.  At least he was too drunk to remember the number.  I've been his "ear" for years but I'm just emotionally exhausted from hearing about all his problems at work and I asked him a couple of years ago to try and bring home some happiness once in a while but I guess that backfired on me if he's calling bar floozies at 2:00 in the morning.  Add to all of this his Midlife Crisis.  I am feeling so drained and empty inside.  I will check out the website you recommended.  Maybe I'll feel better in a few days and will be ready to put some more effort into the marriage.  And one more thing to throw into the mix -- our sex life is awful.  Although I look much younger thatn my 51 years,  the size 9 he married is now a 14.  He told me that I just don't turn him on anymore.  I'm working out and trying to diet but since last fall I've gone through menopause, had a 4th degree sprain on my ankle, was diagnosed with mono and a vitamin D defiency, and quit smoking (even though he didn't want me to) and consequently put on almost  15 pounds on top of already being overweight. 
Anyway, for years all I wanted was to feel that I was important in his life.  I guess some of us always want what we can't have.  Our 28th anniversary is next month and I'm beginning to wonder if it won't be our last one. 

Seems like you've been the supportive wife all of these years and he's been taking advantage of your kindness and support.  You kinda have to wonder when is it your turn to reap the benefits?  I realize musicians live to perform and play their music as most are incredibly passionate about what they do.  But you are second to his passion and that's got to be hurtful and depressing after all these years.  28 years together is a great accomplishment and to throw that away would be devestating so you two need to figure out something.  Does he truly understand how you feel and how close you are to throwing in the towel?  If not, he needs to know. 

Another huge concern would be the poor judgement he exhibited while being drunk and trying to call another woman.  What if he did happen to remember that phone number?  Would he have cheated on you?  His lack of respect for you and common courtesy are very apparent in this relationship.  You need to set up some boundaries and stick with them.  If he truly can't relate to how you feel and why then another trip to a marriage counselor is certainly worth a try.

 
July 19, 2008, 12:46 pm CDT

Thanks for the ear

Quote From: sandy0914

Seems like you've been the supportive wife all of these years and he's been taking advantage of your kindness and support.  You kinda have to wonder when is it your turn to reap the benefits?  I realize musicians live to perform and play their music as most are incredibly passionate about what they do.  But you are second to his passion and that's got to be hurtful and depressing after all these years.  28 years together is a great accomplishment and to throw that away would be devestating so you two need to figure out something.  Does he truly understand how you feel and how close you are to throwing in the towel?  If not, he needs to know. 

Another huge concern would be the poor judgement he exhibited while being drunk and trying to call another woman.  What if he did happen to remember that phone number?  Would he have cheated on you?  His lack of respect for you and common courtesy are very apparent in this relationship.  You need to set up some boundaries and stick with them.  If he truly can't relate to how you feel and why then another trip to a marriage counselor is certainly worth a try.

Everything you said is right and I feel better just having had the chance to vent.  The music IS his passion.  At least for right now and the past few years.  Before that is was always something -- hunting, volunteer work, going for his masters, etc.  He either can't relate to how I feel or he just doesn't care.  I'm pretty withdrawn these days and so he's putting in a lot of extra effort.  That just makes me sadder.  If my being a supportive, loving wife doesn't net me some consideration and reciprocity, why should withdrawing and telling him I think my life as his partner is an extremely empty one.   If I respond favorably to his efforts, history has shown that we'll end up right back where we were.  And I keep thinking that if these recent efforts were sincere, he won't have to be trying so hard to pull them off.  As for getting drunk and calling that women from the bar--I have no idea where that might have ended up.  Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond.  It means a lot.
 
August 8, 2008, 4:36 pm CDT

question for dr phil

    Just a short little question.  I agree that we as men should treat women with respect and dignity, however, what about us men?  A co-worker once told me with my first marriage, that we as men just have to swallow our pride and give in to our spouse.  To me, that is just not right.  Our pride and stubbornness is partly what made us who we are.  Maybe we SHOULD put women on pedastals, but it should be a two way street.
 
August 12, 2008, 11:34 am CDT

I think we are done

My husband will leave me if I have another drink to many and if I don't quit cigarettes.  Last Thursday, I did have one drink to many, I was slurring my words.  He flipped out.  Then I went to my neighbor for a cigarette, and so I fell off the wagon since March.  So, Wednesday, I was honest with him and told him that I had a cigarette, well I am so sorry I did, because He just totally flipped out.  So I am back on chantix.  I am at the point of figuring out what I will do if we do break up, because he claims I am the cause of all his stress, he might as well go back to work.  This is why I originally called you, I was really at my wits end on to what to do with him.
 
August 15, 2008, 7:24 am CDT

In the same Bout

Quote From: lilmac90

My husband will leave me if I have another drink to many and if I don't quit cigarettes.  Last Thursday, I did have one drink to many, I was slurring my words.  He flipped out.  Then I went to my neighbor for a cigarette, and so I fell off the wagon since March.  So, Wednesday, I was honest with him and told him that I had a cigarette, well I am so sorry I did, because He just totally flipped out.  So I am back on chantix.  I am at the point of figuring out what I will do if we do break up, because he claims I am the cause of all his stress, he might as well go back to work.  This is why I originally called you, I was really at my wits end on to what to do with him.
I also am in something sililar, my husband hates me smoking so i just lie which makes me feel ten  time worse but i know if i tell him he'll leave me. So i end up hating myself and hating what his making me do .I don't want to be forced to stop.
 
September 5, 2008, 9:48 pm CDT

What???

Quote From: donnadonut

I also am in something sililar, my husband hates me smoking so i just lie which makes me feel ten  time worse but i know if i tell him he'll leave me. So i end up hating myself and hating what his making me do .I don't want to be forced to stop.
You two need to tell your husbands that he either loves all of you or none of you. No one is perfect and last time I checked you are both adults and in this country  you can make your own decisions.
 
September 12, 2008, 2:31 pm CDT

how to end it with someone who wont let go?

I've made some bad decisions in my life I will admit to that. I have always been very stubborn and hard  headed. I've had a fairly confusing life, I mean it could have been worse but I think certain things affect how I am now.... Any way I moved away from home when I was 16, I was a very rebellious teen I drank and smoked and did my share of "experimenting". I got kicked out of school in 9th grade so my mother (adopted by the way, whole nother issue mommy dearest sums it up quit nicely) she put me in a private christian school. At the time I started seeing this guy out of pure lack of choice at that school, well he turned out to be great or so I thought. He didn't drink or do anything, he went to church and was loving and understanding, different than other guys I had been with (yea 16 not much to compare) well, my mother didn't really like us being together because he was of a different race, so me being the rebellious type, I said fine and moved out. We ended up jumping into more than we could handle,and after I had my son the proper thing to do was to get married. So at 19 I married him with only his family at the ceremony. Fast forward 14 years and 3 kids latter, I have been trying to get a divorce for 3 years now. He has cheated on me 5 times that I know of he is emotionally abusive and controlling, (If I have to work late he thinks I am sleeping with someone in the back room!!) I just cant take it anymore he use to make me feel guilty by using God as a reason I am supposed stay, because yes he hasn't cheated in a few years but the emotional abuse is terrible. I don't drive, he has made me sleep with him just to drive me to work even though he knows I don't want to, I have cried while he was doing it and it still dose not stop him from manipulating me into letting him. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive to our kids and doesn't see it. (My oldest son is autistic, and he yells at him for things he doesn't understand) The latest thing is he told me, that he will finally move out, he is looking for an apartment but then he will say I leave if you sleep with me just one more time. That was about 6 times ago. He also has tried the depressed card, he told me he thought of losing me and wanted to just drive the car into a wall. He tried to kill himself a few times during our relationship in the past every time I tried to leave. I just don't think I will ever get rid of him, I am trying to do this like an adult, but he isn't. I just don't know what to do anymore I think I am just tapped out. I am trying to hold it together for my kids sake, that is the one thing that I am proud of I am a great mom. I made allot of mistakes but they are not one. I just don't want them to get hurt in the process. They have heard terrible things when we argue and he always pulls them into because he knows that is my weakness. I don't know, people always ask  why I just don't  leave they don't understand it is not that easy, he is not stable and I have to protect my kids, Our apartment is in my name and it is based on income so if i were to leave, I couldn't afford to find something big enough for 3 kids (I would die before I left them with him, thats not even an option) I don't have any family and my friends are stand offish because of him.  I know I have to do it I just wish there was a simple way!  My kids deserve better, I deserve better!!


 
September 18, 2008, 7:42 am CDT

trying to fix a marriage

My husband and I are going through a something bad as for he was living away all summer with I thought was friends, but the female which I thought was my close friend is making things worse, as for we both work together,but i left my job as for our marraige.  She has taken his side and reporting everything I say on my sites to my husband. And never once through all of this has she come to me and gave me any support, but I guess that is she has her drinking buddy every day, Even the day when she deside to bring personally to work and blind sided us both with her question about a comment on my personally message. Which at that time I left cause i had to. We had our work BBq that day and I never returned that day and she just kepted on talking about it, even after they moved the gathering to her house, she even tryed to talk to our room mate about it and he said I dont want to here about it.

Now she is reporting eveything to my husband what I leave for a message to him for my close friend from home.

As for another close girlfriend my husband has started to through the summer going there and hanging out and talking, I feel that he is seeing her in a different way like lust, I have through the summer distanced my self from her as for I didnt want her to be part of this vishish cycle until my husband and I can talk.

After 10 weeks of being away he has returned and the lies and sneaking around all summer long has put a strain on ours and mine friendships. I done think he should have come or put my girlfriends in the middle of this seperation, as now I dont know if I can trust my girlfriends or at least one I dont, my other one and I are slowly talking about everything and getting back on track.

This week has been some what good as for now my husband is starting to spend time with our son, which he has ingnored his son since all this has happen. We are taken conceling but I dont beleive it is helping and it has always been one sided with the concelor which is on me. So I will see waht happens this weekend and the next concelor meeting.

 
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