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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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September 22, 2008, 12:45 am CDT

Please help, as many opinions as possible. Is it just me?

Hi everyone.

I am 21, recently engaged to a 26 year old. I work and study and so does he. He doesnt smoke, drink gamble or cheat. So I cannot say, hand to heart that any of what I am about to say is as bad as that.

It is about how him and I argue. I guess its a few things. He is very dominant and loves to make the choices, loves to feel like a man. However my dad was..plain and simple an idiot. So I was taught to be independant, self love, self control, and to be happy. My fiance and I clash because I don't always let him be ontop until we argue. I didn't have enough energy today going to work. I was sick and passed out on the bus. However, on the way to work I wasn't really talking to him. He was being nice and everything, however we had an earlier discussion the night before of a few things I belived we needed to work towards in regards to respecting eachother and he never talked to me about it.

Granted it was wrong of me to kinda blow him off that morning and nod with the yes no repsonse and not really be  'lovey dovey'. Anyway, after I passed out on the bus, we got of and he said, what are you going to do. I replied 'Its okay I'll deal with it. Something in him just snapped. He goes I ll take you home. Im like no no it's okay ill call mum. Maybe it came accross like I was blowing him off, but i honestly didn't mean it like that. I meant that I thought he could go to work and not loose time. He is a manager at a bank so I really didn't want him to waste time and slow down with clients.

He snapped and kind of dragged me by the arm through the street. Not a bad storm of but the angry look and the firm tug on the arm. I was confused and sick. He turned around and had a go at me in an angry and higher than normal tone. I felt embarresed, everyone looking at me. We kept walking. He stoped to pull out some cash by the machine and kicked his work bag to the corner. Got cash and walked to a taxi.He said angrily'get in the car'. I got in the car, and ignored him. He asked me several times if i was okay. I lied and said yes. I mean there was another guy in there, the taxi driver.

We got out and wlaked to the car and i told him i was pissed of and how he treated me. He goes,i should be the one tahts pissed of at you. He got in the car and said, I am not angry that you were sick, I am angry that all morning you have been cold to me. If there is something wrong you gotta tell me. He said this in a high pitch angry voice. I didn;t say anything. He kept saying that If i do that I will push him away. he then asked again are u okay. I said to him again, you had no right to treat me like that and yell at me infront of everyone.

He tyelled at the top of his lungs in the car 'i was yelling at you, this is yelling you, f$%k you.' I just sat there. I didnt have enough energy to fight. He said i was ungrateful for him taking me home and kept telling me  f$%k you. I eventually snapped and returned the favour telling him f*** you. I couldnt handle the person that I loved talk to me like that. I ended up bursting into tears. I told him that my whole life my dad had abused my mum and I shoudlnt have to put up with that. In the end he tried to hug me and tell me that If I didn't ingore him and be cold he wouldnt have reacted like that and i should tell him when something is wrong. I replied with ' the way you reacted was not my fault it should have never happened and that if he wants me to be and say whats wrong, he should have been as well and not exploded like that.

He always yells and talks to me like that when we fight. Sometimes i try to do it is way and be nice, sometimes i yell back and he gets worse saying he hates it when i do that coz i act like a man and it fires him up. I can't handle it . It affects my work and study. I think about it all day. I don't know what to do or say.


 
October 6, 2008, 10:27 pm CDT

Please get help.

Quote From: geanne33

I've made some bad decisions in my life I will admit to that. I have always been very stubborn and hard  headed. I've had a fairly confusing life, I mean it could have been worse but I think certain things affect how I am now.... Any way I moved away from home when I was 16, I was a very rebellious teen I drank and smoked and did my share of "experimenting". I got kicked out of school in 9th grade so my mother (adopted by the way, whole nother issue mommy dearest sums it up quit nicely) she put me in a private christian school. At the time I started seeing this guy out of pure lack of choice at that school, well he turned out to be great or so I thought. He didn't drink or do anything, he went to church and was loving and understanding, different than other guys I had been with (yea 16 not much to compare) well, my mother didn't really like us being together because he was of a different race, so me being the rebellious type, I said fine and moved out. We ended up jumping into more than we could handle,and after I had my son the proper thing to do was to get married. So at 19 I married him with only his family at the ceremony. Fast forward 14 years and 3 kids latter, I have been trying to get a divorce for 3 years now. He has cheated on me 5 times that I know of he is emotionally abusive and controlling, (If I have to work late he thinks I am sleeping with someone in the back room!!) I just cant take it anymore he use to make me feel guilty by using God as a reason I am supposed stay, because yes he hasn't cheated in a few years but the emotional abuse is terrible. I don't drive, he has made me sleep with him just to drive me to work even though he knows I don't want to, I have cried while he was doing it and it still dose not stop him from manipulating me into letting him. He is very verbally and emotionally abusive to our kids and doesn't see it. (My oldest son is autistic, and he yells at him for things he doesn't understand) The latest thing is he told me, that he will finally move out, he is looking for an apartment but then he will say I leave if you sleep with me just one more time. That was about 6 times ago. He also has tried the depressed card, he told me he thought of losing me and wanted to just drive the car into a wall. He tried to kill himself a few times during our relationship in the past every time I tried to leave. I just don't think I will ever get rid of him, I am trying to do this like an adult, but he isn't. I just don't know what to do anymore I think I am just tapped out. I am trying to hold it together for my kids sake, that is the one thing that I am proud of I am a great mom. I made allot of mistakes but they are not one. I just don't want them to get hurt in the process. They have heard terrible things when we argue and he always pulls them into because he knows that is my weakness. I don't know, people always ask  why I just don't  leave they don't understand it is not that easy, he is not stable and I have to protect my kids, Our apartment is in my name and it is based on income so if i were to leave, I couldn't afford to find something big enough for 3 kids (I would die before I left them with him, thats not even an option) I don't have any family and my friends are stand offish because of him.  I know I have to do it I just wish there was a simple way!  My kids deserve better, I deserve better!!


What he is doing to you IS ABUSE and RAPE. The next time he rapes or abuses you call the police and make a report on him. They will take him to jail at least for the night. Do you talk to your family at all? If so explain it all. Hold nothing back and ask for help. Otherwise search your area and I'm sure you can find a women and childrens shelter. It's better to live safe in a shelter than have your kids hurt. If he hasn't hurt the kids physicaly yet it's just time till he does. And as for him threating to kill himself, well he most likly won't do it the threat is enough to make you do what he wants. And no matter what you do HE won't leave, YOU have to be the strong one for you kids and leave. I wish you the best of luck, and if there's anything I can do please please feel free to email me. Even if it's just to talk.

Blessed be,

Ashley

 
October 8, 2008, 11:04 am CDT

You already know

Quote From: anamaria09

Hi everyone.

I am 21, recently engaged to a 26 year old. I work and study and so does he. He doesnt smoke, drink gamble or cheat. So I cannot say, hand to heart that any of what I am about to say is as bad as that.

It is about how him and I argue. I guess its a few things. He is very dominant and loves to make the choices, loves to feel like a man. However my dad was..plain and simple an idiot. So I was taught to be independant, self love, self control, and to be happy. My fiance and I clash because I don't always let him be ontop until we argue. I didn't have enough energy today going to work. I was sick and passed out on the bus. However, on the way to work I wasn't really talking to him. He was being nice and everything, however we had an earlier discussion the night before of a few things I belived we needed to work towards in regards to respecting eachother and he never talked to me about it.

Granted it was wrong of me to kinda blow him off that morning and nod with the yes no repsonse and not really be  'lovey dovey'. Anyway, after I passed out on the bus, we got of and he said, what are you going to do. I replied 'Its okay I'll deal with it. Something in him just snapped. He goes I ll take you home. Im like no no it's okay ill call mum. Maybe it came accross like I was blowing him off, but i honestly didn't mean it like that. I meant that I thought he could go to work and not loose time. He is a manager at a bank so I really didn't want him to waste time and slow down with clients.

He snapped and kind of dragged me by the arm through the street. Not a bad storm of but the angry look and the firm tug on the arm. I was confused and sick. He turned around and had a go at me in an angry and higher than normal tone. I felt embarresed, everyone looking at me. We kept walking. He stoped to pull out some cash by the machine and kicked his work bag to the corner. Got cash and walked to a taxi.He said angrily'get in the car'. I got in the car, and ignored him. He asked me several times if i was okay. I lied and said yes. I mean there was another guy in there, the taxi driver.

We got out and wlaked to the car and i told him i was pissed of and how he treated me. He goes,i should be the one tahts pissed of at you. He got in the car and said, I am not angry that you were sick, I am angry that all morning you have been cold to me. If there is something wrong you gotta tell me. He said this in a high pitch angry voice. I didn;t say anything. He kept saying that If i do that I will push him away. he then asked again are u okay. I said to him again, you had no right to treat me like that and yell at me infront of everyone.

He tyelled at the top of his lungs in the car 'i was yelling at you, this is yelling you, f$%k you.' I just sat there. I didnt have enough energy to fight. He said i was ungrateful for him taking me home and kept telling me  f$%k you. I eventually snapped and returned the favour telling him f*** you. I couldnt handle the person that I loved talk to me like that. I ended up bursting into tears. I told him that my whole life my dad had abused my mum and I shoudlnt have to put up with that. In the end he tried to hug me and tell me that If I didn't ingore him and be cold he wouldnt have reacted like that and i should tell him when something is wrong. I replied with ' the way you reacted was not my fault it should have never happened and that if he wants me to be and say whats wrong, he should have been as well and not exploded like that.

He always yells and talks to me like that when we fight. Sometimes i try to do it is way and be nice, sometimes i yell back and he gets worse saying he hates it when i do that coz i act like a man and it fires him up. I can't handle it . It affects my work and study. I think about it all day. I don't know what to do or say.


You already know what is going on here, you said it your self when you told him all your life your dad abused your mom, and i shouldn't have to put up with that. you already recognize the patterns and escalations, and your instincts are screaming at you that you are being abused.

As a woman who has been abused, I can tell you this it rarely gets better, and with out any serious professional intervention it is destined to get horrificaly worse. you are 21, you have your whole life ahead of you, I realize that you love the good qualities about this man, however, in my opinion when abuse is involved those good qualities are going to pale in comparision when the abuse escalates to a point were it is not just dragging you by the arm or speaking foul language to you.

It does not matter that he does not smoke, drink, gamble or cheat, the facts are that he is abusing you, adn from what you are sharing it is escalating very quickly to physical abuse, and is onyl a matter of time before he beats the spirit right out of you.

If you are trying to pacify or please him yu are in dangerous territory, it means that you are losing yourself, and your perspective. It means that he is gaining more and more power and control over you. Get help now before you find yourself so brain washed that getting out will take a huge incident to make you see what is happening. Phone a crisis line, get a professional to help you deal with this, get out of this situation, heal from this, yes i know you love him and it is painful to leave some one you love, but let me ask you this, do you knowingly want to participate in your own victimization. or do you want to be the strong independant happy lovable woman you really are? you told him he has no right to treat you in this dispecable and abuse way, yet telling him and doing something about it are two very different things. Remove yourself from this mans space, talk to a professional who can help you do this in a safe manner, because honestly, I think it has gotten to the point were he is not going to just say fine ok lets seperate.

He is not going to talk to you about these issues in a honest and safe way, to do that he would have to admit he is wrong, and from what you are saying he is pointing the finger at you, and it is you who are wrong, defective, need to change, need to shape up, need to conform. You are in a very bad situation young lady, and i really hope that you take to heart what I am saying and save your self a lot of physical and emotional pain and spiritual devestation.

Take your life back and live it, with out abuse!

Tammy

 

 

 

 

 

 
October 8, 2008, 11:14 am CDT

There is no reason

Quote From: warff2001

My husband and I are going through a something bad as for he was living away all summer with I thought was friends, but the female which I thought was my close friend is making things worse, as for we both work together,but i left my job as for our marraige.  She has taken his side and reporting everything I say on my sites to my husband. And never once through all of this has she come to me and gave me any support, but I guess that is she has her drinking buddy every day, Even the day when she deside to bring personally to work and blind sided us both with her question about a comment on my personally message. Which at that time I left cause i had to. We had our work BBq that day and I never returned that day and she just kepted on talking about it, even after they moved the gathering to her house, she even tryed to talk to our room mate about it and he said I dont want to here about it.

Now she is reporting eveything to my husband what I leave for a message to him for my close friend from home.

As for another close girlfriend my husband has started to through the summer going there and hanging out and talking, I feel that he is seeing her in a different way like lust, I have through the summer distanced my self from her as for I didnt want her to be part of this vishish cycle until my husband and I can talk.

After 10 weeks of being away he has returned and the lies and sneaking around all summer long has put a strain on ours and mine friendships. I done think he should have come or put my girlfriends in the middle of this seperation, as now I dont know if I can trust my girlfriends or at least one I dont, my other one and I are slowly talking about everything and getting back on track.

This week has been some what good as for now my husband is starting to spend time with our son, which he has ingnored his son since all this has happen. We are taken conceling but I dont beleive it is helping and it has always been one sided with the concelor which is on me. So I will see waht happens this weekend and the next concelor meeting.

There is absolutly noreason freinds should be involved in a persons marriage, it is a union of two not three or four or what have you. A true freind would listen and support their friend and what is said in confidence is held in confidence. this woman that is reporting to your husband needs to but out and mind her own buisness. cut her out of your life hun, she is not good for you or has good intentions for you.

As for the other woman that your husband is spending time with, cut her out too, her intentions are not one of a freind either, there is no way on Gods green earth that she has any buisness spending time with your husband, while you are trying to save your marriage. As for your husband, it is good that he is spending time with your son, but as for staying married to this man, I would think long and hard about it. I realize that you are probably in extream emotional and spiritual pain right now, but try to think obgectivley or talk to some one who can be obgective about the situation.

As for the councellor, start to stand up for yourself, and let the professional know you feel this is very one sided, and is not benificial or conducive to your well being, and that you sincerly want to come to a positive, healthy resolution, irregardless of what the out come is.

As for the freinds, leave them out of the equation, this is between you and your husband, not the neighborhood, which it seems this so called freind is trying to do. hopw you check in and get this message, in any even my prayers go with you and your son.

Tammy

 

 
November 20, 2008, 11:23 am CST

Serious Question!

Just humor me here... Give me your advise and opinion.

Your significant other is out of town for a week on a business trip.

She sends you a message at 4:30pm that she is headed to another town and will call you with her arrangements for the evening but you never hear back. You try calling her at 9 pm and get no answer. You leave a message but get no return phone call. You try again at 11:30 pm right before you go to sleep; still no answer and no return call. You check her phone records and see that she was talking to other people between 6 and 8 pm. She finally texts you the next morning at 6:30am but doesn't answer when you call right after you recieve her text.  Finally she calls you back but doesn't have time to talk when you ask where she has been.  Then a couple of hours later she calls and you ask about her whereabouts again and why she doesn't call you or text... She gets mad at you and has to get off the phone again.  She has told you many times that it isn't your business where she is every minute of the day and she isn't on your time schedule.  She says you AREN'T her mom and she won't be answering to you, EVER. 

Would you be angry?  Would that make you feel like you were wasting you life with this person?  Would you feel betrayed?  Wouldn't a spouse naturally want to call home and talk to their kids and significant other? 

Thanks for your input!

Christi

 
November 20, 2008, 10:36 pm CST

THERE IS A PROBLEM HERE

Quote From: bellybone73

Just humor me here... Give me your advise and opinion.

Your significant other is out of town for a week on a business trip.

She sends you a message at 4:30pm that she is headed to another town and will call you with her arrangements for the evening but you never hear back. You try calling her at 9 pm and get no answer. You leave a message but get no return phone call. You try again at 11:30 pm right before you go to sleep; still no answer and no return call. You check her phone records and see that she was talking to other people between 6 and 8 pm. She finally texts you the next morning at 6:30am but doesn't answer when you call right after you recieve her text.  Finally she calls you back but doesn't have time to talk when you ask where she has been.  Then a couple of hours later she calls and you ask about her whereabouts again and why she doesn't call you or text... She gets mad at you and has to get off the phone again.  She has told you many times that it isn't your business where she is every minute of the day and she isn't on your time schedule.  She says you AREN'T her mom and she won't be answering to you, EVER. 

Would you be angry?  Would that make you feel like you were wasting you life with this person?  Would you feel betrayed?  Wouldn't a spouse naturally want to call home and talk to their kids and significant other? 

Thanks for your input!

Christi

One has to wonder what she is doing with what she is doing with her time that she isn't considerate enough to make some time for her kids and you.

It seems to me that she is a selfish and selfcentered person who wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it no matter who she hurts. This is a person who has been dominated by someone else in her life in the past and she feels like you are trying to do the same thing to her. SHE IS WRONG. She has a resposibility as a Mother to keep in contact with her kids and also with you.

I would be disappointed if my significant other did that to me. Being angry towards her will only make her more defiant towards you.

You need to sit down with her and have a discussion with her without the kids around to tell her how hurt you feel. Don't use angry words because she will just shut you out.

You will be able to see her reaction to what you are saying and then you will be able to tell if she lies to you as to where she has been while on her trip.

Has she done this at other times to you? While she is with you at home do you feel like she acting different towards you? Are both of you still close as a couple? These questions need to be answered before I can give you any more advice or opinions.

You are the only one that truly knows if there has been a change in your relationship lately?
Hopr things get better for both of you soon.

Get back to me and I will try to help you.

Bella Angel
 
November 21, 2008, 10:53 am CST

Well,

Quote From: bellybone73

Just humor me here... Give me your advise and opinion.

Your significant other is out of town for a week on a business trip.

She sends you a message at 4:30pm that she is headed to another town and will call you with her arrangements for the evening but you never hear back. You try calling her at 9 pm and get no answer. You leave a message but get no return phone call. You try again at 11:30 pm right before you go to sleep; still no answer and no return call. You check her phone records and see that she was talking to other people between 6 and 8 pm. She finally texts you the next morning at 6:30am but doesn't answer when you call right after you recieve her text.  Finally she calls you back but doesn't have time to talk when you ask where she has been.  Then a couple of hours later she calls and you ask about her whereabouts again and why she doesn't call you or text... She gets mad at you and has to get off the phone again.  She has told you many times that it isn't your business where she is every minute of the day and she isn't on your time schedule.  She says you AREN'T her mom and she won't be answering to you, EVER. 

Would you be angry?  Would that make you feel like you were wasting you life with this person?  Would you feel betrayed?  Wouldn't a spouse naturally want to call home and talk to their kids and significant other? 

Thanks for your input!

Christi

Either she's a secret agent for the CIA, or she's hiding something else.

Ask yourself, is it her normal behavior to act so secretive, and then get so defensive when you ask her reasonable questions? Heck, she could have been in a car wreck and spent the night in a hospital for all you knew. You know she wasn't though, because she would have said so wouldn't she?

True, you're not her mom. Unlike her mom, you can wash your hands of her if she is acting like an alley cat.

My answers to your questions:

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

 
November 25, 2008, 4:31 am CST

I LIKE YOUR ANSWER

Quote From: ritehere

Either she's a secret agent for the CIA, or she's hiding something else.

Ask yourself, is it her normal behavior to act so secretive, and then get so defensive when you ask her reasonable questions? Heck, she could have been in a car wreck and spent the night in a hospital for all you knew. You know she wasn't though, because she would have said so wouldn't she?

True, you're not her mom. Unlike her mom, you can wash your hands of her if she is acting like an alley cat.

My answers to your questions:

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

I THINK he is going through "DENIAL" and wants to think she is not doing anything behind his back to avoid the pain.

I hope he gets back here to leave us an update.

Bella Angel :0)
 
November 25, 2008, 8:02 am CST

That river in Egypt

Quote From: angel111999

I THINK he is going through "DENIAL" and wants to think she is not doing anything behind his back to avoid the pain.

I hope he gets back here to leave us an update.

Bella Angel :0)
I am well acquainted with paddling up "de nile." I know where this person is coming from. Sometimes they just need to see if the thoughts of an uninvolved listener matches their own.
 
January 27, 2009, 6:32 pm CST

no good

Quote From: bellybone73

Just humor me here... Give me your advise and opinion.

Your significant other is out of town for a week on a business trip.

She sends you a message at 4:30pm that she is headed to another town and will call you with her arrangements for the evening but you never hear back. You try calling her at 9 pm and get no answer. You leave a message but get no return phone call. You try again at 11:30 pm right before you go to sleep; still no answer and no return call. You check her phone records and see that she was talking to other people between 6 and 8 pm. She finally texts you the next morning at 6:30am but doesn't answer when you call right after you recieve her text.  Finally she calls you back but doesn't have time to talk when you ask where she has been.  Then a couple of hours later she calls and you ask about her whereabouts again and why she doesn't call you or text... She gets mad at you and has to get off the phone again.  She has told you many times that it isn't your business where she is every minute of the day and she isn't on your time schedule.  She says you AREN'T her mom and she won't be answering to you, EVER. 

Would you be angry?  Would that make you feel like you were wasting you life with this person?  Would you feel betrayed?  Wouldn't a spouse naturally want to call home and talk to their kids and significant other? 

Thanks for your input!

Christi

She is up to no good!
 
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