Topic : Relationship Myths

Apparently there are women out that have the same thoughts. I just went through the same situation, except my wife was the one that decided after 29 years she needed to be free. If there had been a reson I could and would understand, but it was for just her being self centered and selfish. It's  too easy to just walk out now days..... 

Is it wrong to say give "fill in the blank" up or I am leaving?  My situation is pretty convoluted. I am 26 and have been with my bf for 1.5 years which is a very short time. He dips, smokes, and drinks. He does not live a healthy lifestyle and he is very aware of my concern of him getting cancer or dying early. I feel like he is slowly commiting suicide by putting all these harmful things into his body. He has told me in the past that he has quit but then will start again. He has done this three times. I told him that I can not trust him about anything anymore because his words mean nothing. If he hides these things from me than what else don't I know. On the other hand, he loves and adores me more than any man ever has. He is upfront and honest about everything else. He has goals and is an amazing man. He doesn't abuse me or treat me badly. He takes care of me and is also very romantic. I want to grow old with him but I don't see how that is possible if he dies young or becomes very ill due to his health problems. I am SO confused about wether or not I should just deal with his bad and unhealthy habits because he is so good to me or if I should leave and find someone I can enjoy a long life with.

He sounds like a great guy and I clearly understand your concern about his health and your future together.  Smoking is incredibly hard to quit (trust me I'm still fighting it) - HE HAS TO WANT TO QUIT .  You need to mentally be ready to quit or else he will just keep going back to them.   The hard part about smoking is that nicotine is so addictive and it's everywhere!!  When he is ready, he will quit.   -  Drinking, if it's excessive then obviously it's a problem.  If he's only a social drinker, I'd say that's okay.    I don't drink and I can't tolerate drunks, but I never complain about a few beers or a glass of wine or two.

I haven't got a clue as to what dips is????

You seem to be really into health - kudos to you!  Give him some slack until he is ready to quit smoking, when he is, ask him to try a hypnotist.  It worked for me 3 times but I went back to smoking as I put on 25 pounds each time.  Of course I regret that now but I will quit again WHEN I am mentally ready.

Thanks for the info.

I knew he did it when we first started dating but he said he could stop anytime. He minimized it and said he only did it every now and then and he knew it was gross and he would stop. I didn't see anything happening long term with us anyway at that point and so I did not really care. He hid it very well and I even tried to start smoking so the smell would not get to me as much. He is a social drinker and only drinks one or two beers with dinner or while sitting around. He has started hanging out with new friends that are getting him to use marijuana which he told me he had grown out of and had no interest in. All these culminated within the past few months and I feel like I am being bombarded with all these unhealthy and now illegal substances. He has no idea how repulsed I am by this because I like to talk calmly. He doesn't truly hear me or understand how strongly anyone feels unless they are outwardly angry. He has to see a furrowed brow, hands waving wildly, yelling, and angry words. This is how he was raised and puts alot of stock in facial expressions and body language. I don't feel that true feelings can be recognized unless you stay calm and speak rationally and clearly to the other person. Then the process to fix it can begin.  I told him that I will not marry him unless he stops because I refuse to be a widow or have to watch him deteriorate and die from self-inflicted cancer. He is killing himself and I am not going to be brought down later on in life because he feels relaxed when using tobacco products or marijuana. He is an adult (32) and needs to find more constructive ways to relax. Read a book, walk the dog, paint, write... the list goes on and on. I have refused to kiss him and told him he stinks. I gave him my ultimatum about 10 minutes ago and he asked if I really felt that way. I told him yes and he said he would really work on it. Thank God! He truly is the best man I have ever been with and I would hate to leave because of a nicotine addiction. But now that I have said it I have to own my words and leave if he doesn't stop.

(convoluted -- complex, intricate, hard to figure out.)

Hi,

I was reading a few of the posts and hate to think that I fall in the same category.  To give you a little background, I am 36 years old and have been with my common-law husband for 16 years. We have two boys (9 & 7).  Our relationship has been through rocky patches as have many others.  He has a habit of lying and a few years ago fought a gambling addiction.  Over the last 5 years, I have thought our relationship was great and that we were beyond the lies. He no longer gambles and is a great father.  I have forgiven, forgiven and forgiven and I am just at the point that I don't know if I can do it anymore.

I was recently away for a week.  I have never done anything like this before, but me and three friends took a seven day vacation to Cuba.  It was awesome, but the whole time I was there, I was wishing that I was with my spouse.  I even wrote him a letter one night telling him how much I loved him and that I thought we should get married (we had discussed this in the past), but I thought it was time that we made it a priorty.

Two days after I came home, something told me to check the messages on MSN.  When I did, I was flabbergasted, hurt and angry over a message that he had sent to a former co-worker.  I won't get into the content of the message, but when I read it I was embarrassed.  A few things he told her was that he missed her...he called her hottie....she called him lover....Just to give you some examples.  My husband works in an environment that requires him to work with younger women and men.  He is 33 and she is 21.  I could tell from the content of the message that there was nothing going on YET.    I asked him about it and he says that he know it was wrong and that he is sorry.  I asked him why he did it and he says he doesn't know.  I just feel that he was trying to get something started.  He has many issues, of which he should seek counselling, but won't.  He is very, very stubborn.  Although he acts like he has high self esteem, I feel that his self-esteem is very low and I don't know whether this was just ego stroking he was looking for or to get something started.

I am so hurt and upset that I can't begin to tell you.  I asked him to leave so that I could have some time to think while I figure this out, but he refuses to go.  Not because he loves me, but because his pride won't let him.  He hates to admit that he has made a mistake.

I feel like I have spent over half of our relationship learning to trust him all over again.  For any of you that are aware of addicitions, they go hand in hand with lying and as I said above, he had had a habit of lying previously.  Each time he has jeoparized my trust over something major, I have had to learn to trust him again.

I am scared to leave.  I don't have a lot of friends and no family and I don't make a lot of money.   My children are spoiled and treat us horribly and I just don't know if I am strong enough to do this all on my own, but at the same time, I think that I am 36 and the most honest and dedicated person and I feel that I don't deserve to deal with this anymore. I have never cried as many tears as I have in the last three days.  Any advice that anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks