Topic : Relationship Myths

Hi everyone, this is my first time to post. I don't have anyone to talk this out with, so posting is the next best thing I think.

I am  married, 16 years now. we are both in our late 40's. We have had our up and downs, this is my 2nd marriage, and his first. There are no children at home, they are all off doing there life's. My husband and I are very busy people, we have 2 business, and my husband has a full time job as well. Sex is great, and money is not a big problem with us... So what is...well my husband is  emotionally detached type. I am not saying he is not there for me he is... as long as its not him I may be emotionally upset over. If I get up set with him  over something, he turns me off, he ether leaves the house, or go off to do his own thing. He will act like nothing ever happen, and I am the nut. I don't  like the leaving part, what if something happen to one of us, one of us would be left with very ugly feelings. I have tried a great many things over the years to change this problem, it may work for a few months and then BAM it hits again.  Its like a emotional roller coaster I ride, and mind you I hate roller coasters.  I have even told him if you leave before we settle this, I am so out of here, I will be done, but he goes anyway...and boy does that hurt. It makes me feel unimportant, not worth his time, and very unloved, and not protected.

we got in a fight last night, because of a few smart tones and how he had sad something to me, I expressed to him I didn't like it...nothing from him but blame to me. I told him if he left I was done, I can't keep this up. he left. Now he says sorry, but he left and he is still off doing what he needs to do, and he will get to me when his stuff that he thinks is more important to do is done.

I do love him but this is not working for me!!!

I'm not sure where to start, I need someone to talk to.  I've been divorced and now remarried for 5 1/2 years. My 2 children from my previous marriage are older and out of high school. One got pregnant while in college and now has a beautiful biracial daughter and the other is gay. I have accepted both and not saying the gay is easy but I'm trying. I love my girls and would never turn them away, but my husband doesn't want our little daughters to be around them. I'm hurting so bad right now, Easter was horrible. I took the younger girls to church and went to get my husband to go out to eat with the family and he wouldn't go because my daughters had there friends with them and he said he couldn't be around them. He said that they couldn't bring there friend to the house. Please give me some advice. 

cindyca48 ,

           Reread your post. You have 2 have many good things going. The only problem is the 2 of you do not know how to fight healthy. It may be all him. Talking to him about it during or right after a fight isn't going to fix things. He obviously hates conflict and deals with it by withdrawing himself from it until it ends. Sit down some time that you are not fighting in the near future and tell him how you feel. Speak Martian. Direct and to the point. Tell him how much it bothers you and you want to go to marriage counseling.  Really work on getting to marriage counseling. I know this is a big problem but your big picture is one of overall goodness so fix the one problem. Even if you leave the next guy will have one or 2 big problems. There are no perfect men(or woman) out there. And you never know there may not be a next guy. Men especially those over 40 may be learning that marriage isn't such a great deal.

Good luck and best wishes. But don't throw in the towel on this one yet.

It is understandable that you are scared to leave, but please know, it is never too late to make a happy life for yourself and for your children! Right now, your husband is going to do whatever he pleases, even if it hurts you, because he knows that you aren't going anywhere. You have tolerated so much of his bad behavior, he is confident you will continue to do so. You said that your children are spoiled and treat you horrible- they are only 9 and 7- there is time to change that! Staying in this unhealthy environment isn't going to help them become honest people with dedication.

I know that you are hurting, so you need to take that pain and turn it into action. Instead of crying, use that energy on something else, like taking night classes to further your education, that way you can further your career- and quickly, you will find yourself making a higher wage. I am the same age as you are, and I went back to college last year, it has made a huge difference in my life. There are many programs at college to assist you, also- financially and emotionally. I encourage you to check out programs in your area. Also, consider what amount of child support he will be ordered to pay, and will that be enough to sustain a household with your children? If you do nothing else, get counceling for YOU. The most important thing you've got to do is learn to love yourself. You have spent so many years forgiving this man that you have lost your own sense of self. You are worthy of so much more in life. He isn't going to change, there isn't anything you can say or do to make him change, so the only thing that is in your power is for you to change. I wish you the very best!

today didn't go as i had expected.  i confronted my husband about the cash advance (newest one) i found that he did.  he treated me like i should be ashamed of myself for even bringing it up.  i said he's betrayed me again.  and he said yeah i did it again, what r u going to do about it?  he said he would stay at a friends house for a few days and come back over the weekend.  then he walked out the door.  i was really shocked by his acting.  i couldn't believe that he didn't see what he did was wrong.  he lied again.  he tried to hide something from me again when it comes to the money.  at first i cried and then i began to get really angry.  unfortunately my child is here so i couldn't do anything drastic.  but i couldn't believe it.  about 2 hrs later he shows up.  i ignored him and treated him like he wasn't here.  i've had enough.  he's betrayed me and hurt me beyond repair.  i've taken my wedding ring off.  i feel like there is no reason to wear it when everything it stands for has been broken.  i'm trying very hard to get through this.  my emotions r very muddled.  for him to react that way about something he has apologized for so many times.  and this time to act like it's no big deal.  amazing.  i know i should just walk out or make him go.  but i am frightened.  i feel like i've lost so much.  and to raise a child.  i just feel like i'm a loser.  i don't want to let her down.

I would first like to say hello to everyone reading and posting. This is my first time posting. I have been married for almost 11 years. This is mine and my husbands 2nd marriage. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. One is out of school and living with his girlfriend and the other is 15 and living with his mother. He was living with us but didn't like the pressure that we put on him about his grades. I really didn't see how asking a child to just DO the work was such a crime but anyway. He doesn't have anything expected of him at his mothers.

My husband and I have since had 2 children, and he makes it very clear that I wanted these children. My oldest is 8 and the youngest is 18 months. I love my boys very much. They are my life. In the years while we were living together and before I had my own children, my husband went to the bar at least 5 nights a week. Some nights he would stay kinda late and others he would come home and have just enough time to say goodnight to the kids. Since I have had my boys, I realize that having him home more and being a role model for the boys is important. He doesn't see it that way but has cut back to only 2 nights a week.... sometimes 3 when he can get away with it. I don't worry about him cheating. Call me stupid but I trust him. But, I just hate the fact that he wants to go to the bar so much. I hate how easy it is for him to just up and go. I don't feel that should be a choice. Shouldn't he want to be with us? The people at the bar are all nice people but drinking is not a priority for me. I think it is for my husband. He doesn't drink everyday but what is it about the bar... does he relax there like he says. The only things we do as a couple involve people from the bar or going to that bar. This place it a very small hometown kinda place and my family owns it, just to give a better idea of what I am talking about.  If I even mention that I am upset that he goes he gets mad and says I only go 2 nights a week.

When he is home he isn't here. What I mean is he will go to the shop or to the basement and work on the remodeling we have been doing. Seems to me like he will go do whatever he can to be away from us. I just can't take it. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I love being with my boys but I would also like some time with my husband. We never had that one on one time because there were always kids in the picture.

Could this just be a thing that he needs to do until the boys get older? How can I make him see that I need to be near him more? His first wife cheated because he was NEVER home and he was heartbroke over that.... didn't he learn anything from that? I am more of a homebody... does he think that he has me right where he wants me... at home? Should I go do my own thing? Two wrongs don't make a right but I am to the point now that I would do just about anything. Please reply ... I am just about to lose my mind.