Topic : Relationship Myths
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June 12, 2006, 5:40 am PDT
 Quote From: traceyb123 I've been married for almost 18 years and love my husband very much. We have four children together. We were high school sweethearts and married at 21, starting our family right away. We have been through every kind of problem imaginable and are still together. The growing up years where he worked all the time and played and I was at home with the kids. No time together because of the kids. The little stuff like dirty clothes and messy house. Money and more money. Sex stuff. Our son's diagnosis of a life-threatening illness and his ongoing medical treatment.
We've been through counseling several times over the years and know why we do the things we do as we've addressed our past hurts and learned how they shaped us and our actions. I am lonely, always have been and have told him that many times. I am now feeling better about myself as I have gone through some plastic surgery which boosted my confidence. I work part-time and have bills i'm responsible for. I am finding that I am now looking to other men for attention and companionship more and more and am finding it harder and harder to be with my husband. My husband will not change and admits that he knows he is losing me and doesn't want that to happen but won't make changes to stop it. He is afraid of confronting me so he never talks to me or opens up to me, this he learned recently in counseling and no matter how safe I make myself for him to come to, it just doesn't matter and he won't change. Just last night he told me "he wished he could be better for me". What kind of message is that? Why won't he make changes that he needs to make? Why would he rather see me stray than fight to keep me?
I DO NOT want to give up on us as our family is my top priority, but it is getting harder and harder to live a life with him with things this way. Help? It seems that your husband is afraid of getting hurt, afraid of wearing his heart on his sleeve - that's why he has this emotional wall up. He's afraid that he can't take it down and if he does - will he get hurt. He knows he has this problem but he probably doesn't know how to fix it. The only way to fix it is through counseling. You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking. He is cheating you out of a life of intimacy, happiness, and love. You do deserve all of this and he just may not be able to provide you with these marital necessities. Plss do not look towards other men - get back into counseling, tell him exactly how you feel and then make a decision you can live with. If he cared for you he would at least try and put his own insecurities aside. |
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June 12, 2006, 4:38 pm PDT
Quote From: sandy0914 It seems that your husband is afraid of getting hurt, afraid of wearing his heart on his sleeve - that's why he has this emotional wall up. He's afraid that he can't take it down and if he does - will he get hurt. He knows he has this problem but he probably doesn't know how to fix it. The only way to fix it is through counseling. You need to tell him exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking. He is cheating you out of a life of intimacy, happiness, and love. You do deserve all of this and he just may not be able to provide you with these marital necessities. Plss do not look towards other men - get back into counseling, tell him exactly how you feel and then make a decision you can live with. If he cared for you he would at least try and put his own insecurities aside. Thanks for the insight. I agree but it is so hard to bring up counseling or anything else again as it seems we just keep going through the same things over and over. I have blame too but I have consciously been trying to do the things that he needs and trying not to do my normal building of walls, etc., it just seems that i'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore and I can't see why he wouldn't be feeling the same way. You are right though, I do deserve it and so does he, he deserves to be happy also. That is scary though, what if he can't provide me with those marital necessities? As much as we can't get along, it sure does hurt to think of going through a separation or divorce! |
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June 13, 2006, 12:07 am PDT
Quote From: blueonblue I tried to post on this board and it ended up in the Divorce section somehow... So here goes - again! Relationship Myth: Good marriages last... Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children. No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it. He rarely ever travelled on business before this. We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own. During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought. He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me. I discourage this lately. He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman. He has grown a mustache and goatee thing. After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet. A part of me still loves him. There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants. (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now. He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often. Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad. I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself. I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends. My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy. His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so. Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby? Is there any hope he might come to his senses? I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it. Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days. I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own. I thought he was a better person than that. People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage. They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us. I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. I have a question, and no disrespect here! But you said that your husband went golfing, etc. but without your approval!
So when he went to do these things you didn't approve of him doing them?
Is there the slightest possibility that he is feeling like the lead horse pulling the wagon who finally had the bit removed from his mouth?
You also say he is a sloppy dresser!
So you didn't approve of his clothing choices either?
He has not friends! Was he allowed enough freedom before to have his own friends?
Men don't just spend 3 weeks away from home and take off! They usually are gone in other ways far longer than it appears!
You said you never argued....so he never really told you how he felt?
It seems to me he wants a clean break....that he thinks more of you as a friend than a wife!
The fact that he refused going to counseling, tells me that he doesn't want anyone talking him out of his decision to go!
BUT, I believe you need to take the bull by the horns and redirect your anger from him and get to some counseling on your own! Perhaps once he knows you are going he may take that on for himself! Then there may be a possibility of reconcilliation and I think reigniting the initial attraction you had for one another!
To me I feel you both lost each other along the way!
I can tell you that alot of what I am saying has been learned the hard way! But I think your husband doesn't want to lose your friendship but neither does he want to live with the restrictions he felt by being with you!
It isn't like he has a hot mama in the wings, nor a fancy red sports car.....what he has is the opportunity to make his own decisions about what he wants to do with his life...and evidently felt he never had while being with you!
I am only reiterating what you wrote....now you have to determine, is there any truth to this or is he just flaking out? The fact that he still supports you and your daughter, tells me he still cares....that he wants to share what he is doing, shows he still wants your support and friendship....that is alot more than most women get when they split with a man who just walks away for a younger woman, fancier lifestyle, etc.
I say back off the anger and take a step towards yourself....and if you want him to come along, it may happen then again it may not...but you will be stronger for it! 10 weeks apart is no time at all....not compared to the 23 years you have been together...
Hope I am not hurting you....because I know you are hurt....who wouldn't be!
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June 13, 2006, 12:26 am PDT
Quote From: traceyb123 I've been married for almost 18 years and love my husband very much. We have four children together. We were high school sweethearts and married at 21, starting our family right away. We have been through every kind of problem imaginable and are still together. The growing up years where he worked all the time and played and I was at home with the kids. No time together because of the kids. The little stuff like dirty clothes and messy house. Money and more money. Sex stuff. Our son's diagnosis of a life-threatening illness and his ongoing medical treatment.
We've been through counseling several times over the years and know why we do the things we do as we've addressed our past hurts and learned how they shaped us and our actions. I am lonely, always have been and have told him that many times. I am now feeling better about myself as I have gone through some plastic surgery which boosted my confidence. I work part-time and have bills i'm responsible for. I am finding that I am now looking to other men for attention and companionship more and more and am finding it harder and harder to be with my husband. My husband will not change and admits that he knows he is losing me and doesn't want that to happen but won't make changes to stop it. He is afraid of confronting me so he never talks to me or opens up to me, this he learned recently in counseling and no matter how safe I make myself for him to come to, it just doesn't matter and he won't change. Just last night he told me "he wished he could be better for me". What kind of message is that? Why won't he make changes that he needs to make? Why would he rather see me stray than fight to keep me?
I DO NOT want to give up on us as our family is my top priority, but it is getting harder and harder to live a life with him with things this way. Help? So if I have read this right, your husband is not living up to your expectations of what his behavious should be, so you are looking at others that may live up to your expectations of what their behaviour should be?
Sorry not getting it!
What are your exact expectations of his behaviour that he is not fulfilling for you?
Are they reasonable expectations?
How much of these expectaions require him to read your mind? Or are opposite of his very nature?
Why are these expectations more important than they were when you first got into this relationship?
You know, your behavior is not reliant on his! To put the blame on him, for your interest in wandering is not fair...I mean that...because honestly....if you and your husband divorced next month, it would not be in your best interest to get involved with anyone for at least a year or longer...so the idea of being married and getting into a relationship is simply acting out....and is actually your problem not his...because frankly this kind of thinking is destructive to yourself....because no man will ever be able to completely fulfill their partner or live up to all their expectations.....
So, how realistic are your expectations? And how can you maturely deal with them?
And what differently can you do to bring you and your husband closer together?
Perhaps focusing more on what you can do will help you to stop focusing so much on what he doesn't do....
Sometimes when met with disapproval people will fail to see the point of even trying after what they have done has been ignored!
My point being....rather than being a reactor....just act!
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June 13, 2006, 6:22 am PDT
Quote From: blueonblue I tried to post on this board and it ended up in the Divorce section somehow... So here goes - again! Relationship Myth: Good marriages last... Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children. No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it. He rarely ever travelled on business before this. We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own. During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought. He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me. I discourage this lately. He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman. He has grown a mustache and goatee thing. After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet. A part of me still loves him. There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants. (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now. He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often. Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad. I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself. I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends. My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy. His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so. Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby? Is there any hope he might come to his senses? I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it. Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days. I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own. I thought he was a better person than that. People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage. They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us. I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. Go to www.midlifeclub.com and read about what your husband is going through... |
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June 13, 2006, 8:31 pm PDT
Quote From: lauriej Sounds like my fiance (soon to be ex) and I. The last year has been especially bad. He won't do anything with me, I ask and ask and am always turned down, even when it comes to se. He is the one that sleeps on the couch basically for the last 5 months. We have been through a lot but just normal things couples go through, I was married before and divorced. Neither of us have had an affair, so that can't be blamed. Sometimes we get along but usually only if I don't demand anytime with him that is usually when I start a fight, actually now that I think of it it isn't really a fight that I start, I get mad or upset because he won't spend time with me, he calls it a fight. For the most part we live like roommates, well we would probably talk more and know more about what is going on with each other if we were roommates..
If you want to make this work, I think you should go back to the bed, you can't work it out if you are being so distant. It is hard to reach someone that is being so distant. I know I have gotten to the point where I am done trying, I have tried all I can and he won't respond he only resists. If you husband is trying and you want to make it work, you need to work on it to. I don't know what I would do about the affair part (am I assuming right, when you say he has been with other woman) I guess it would have to depend on how you feel about it.
Laurie i would like to go back to the bed but see when he left me for his son mother he got a bed for her and him and the bed his hers and his and they did stuff in it so i will not go in it and he will not get a new bed or even care to get a new bed we don't fight we just act like we are friends and do are our things i take care or the two youngest boys who are mine and his and he take care or the oldest boy who is his and his exs , see my husband ask for me back i was so upset when he left me because we have been together for 6 years and been married for almost 3 years when he left me it was hard for me to get over it and i was almost over him and he needed my help and so i help him because of my boys and then i ask him for divorce and he was like if thats what you want but i want you and the boys back so now i am back and this time around its hard for me to put all my care in to this and even trust him or listing to anything but i don't fight with him i just let it go ,,,
but i like to sleepin the bed but i can't and right now he sleeps in the bed or on the livingroom floor or on the couch if i am on the floor so what am i to do i don't win from losing... |
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June 14, 2006, 9:53 am PDT
Quote From: lilacmess These are all questions that you need to be asking your boyfriend. The fact that you are so up-in-the-air about what to do and you're here asking strangers to advise you does not bode well for the relationship. There is no possible way, for example, for any of us here to know how financially responsible your boyfriend is or how committed to the relationship he is. Only you can know these things. It sounds to me like the two of you need to have a very serious discussion about the future of your relationship. You need information that only he can give you. I will say this: if you're having doubts and your intuition is telling you that maybe you shouldn't go with him, then you should listen to that voice. Way too often, we ignore our intuition and get ourselves into a lot of trouble.
IF he hasn't asked you yet and has plans to no longer work a regular job I'd run for the hills!
It as well may be some form of retribution on his part about you selling your home!
But hey...it seems to me that he is letting go of responsibilities and the fact that he hasn't asked you to go with him tells me he is letting go of you too!
Yep you should ask him some pointed questions about this!
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June 14, 2006, 11:56 am PDT
my husband and i have been married going on 3 years in september and 2 purely angelic babys. the problem is that we love eachother we jut dont like eachother. we have had problems since right before we got married but i thought it was just wedding jitts. well, it started when he wouldnt spend any time with me. example: i would ask him to sit with me and watch a movie, or just cuddle and he said his back hurt. so i was like fine. but then he would get on his hands and knees and crawl around the living room floor with our cat and have so much fun with the cat i was sitting there thinking what in the world is wrong with me?? soon i ended up crying every night alone in my bedroom while he rolled his eyes and comforted me none what so ever. 4 months later i left and told him to file for divorce. i was staying with a friend, he was buddy-buddy with MY family, and i felt so neglected and to top it all off it was the one year anniversary of my grannies death that i took so hard i had to go to counseling...i was a rock bottom. i gave my heart to a man like no other i had ever met, i was coping with the death of Granny that was just heartwrenching since we used to talk almost daily and i was holding her hand with her last breathe, and finally when i needed my family to lean on they betrayed me and pal'd up with the my husband. we finally got back together and things were back normal before all the problems for a few weeks and then after i found out we were having our first baby the same old thing with his back hurting came back, but this time he didnt want to show me affection b/c he was afraid to. i was pregnant and he didnt want to hurt me. but at the end of the day he still wanted sex...the part i dont understand is this. if you love someone so deeply to marry them how can you watch them cry daily, literally, and consciously hurt them the same way time after time and then turn your back and walk away from them and carry on with your activities like nothing happened. NOW, we argue all the time and we have moved an hour away from all my family and friends to be close to his work. my dad just had heart surgery and my mom is going through her own struggles with her health and here i am all alone an hour away with nobody, and broke as crap and cant afford the gas money to drive there more than every other week and i am miserable. I have always had family close by that i knew i could count on if i needed them. i dont like being lonely. and its not cuz i want to stay right under mom and dad. its just that my mom had 2 heartattacks when i was 6 months pregnant with my first baby and the doctors gave her very slim chances of making it and she was on life support, it was awful and i realize now what people take for granted. i love my parents and i want my kids to know them and i want to be there while they are still here b/c one day they wont be. and i know your thinking ONE hour, thats it, but with a close relationship with my family it feels worlds away to me. but anyhow, good news is the lease is up april 2007 the bad news is i dont know if i can stay sane till then. i'm a country girl to the core, and here in the city apartment and no yard, privacy, etc. i just hate it!!!! i'm stuck in this apartment with the same 4 walls everyday. WHAT DO I DO???? Divorce? what? begging for advice.... |
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June 14, 2006, 12:11 pm PDT
Quote From: disstinks my husband and i have been married going on 3 years in september and 2 purely angelic babys. the problem is that we love eachother we jut dont like eachother. we have had problems since right before we got married but i thought it was just wedding jitts. well, it started when he wouldnt spend any time with me. example: i would ask him to sit with me and watch a movie, or just cuddle and he said his back hurt. so i was like fine. but then he would get on his hands and knees and crawl around the living room floor with our cat and have so much fun with the cat i was sitting there thinking what in the world is wrong with me?? soon i ended up crying every night alone in my bedroom while he rolled his eyes and comforted me none what so ever. 4 months later i left and told him to file for divorce. i was staying with a friend, he was buddy-buddy with MY family, and i felt so neglected and to top it all off it was the one year anniversary of my grannies death that i took so hard i had to go to counseling...i was a rock bottom. i gave my heart to a man like no other i had ever met, i was coping with the death of Granny that was just heartwrenching since we used to talk almost daily and i was holding her hand with her last breathe, and finally when i needed my family to lean on they betrayed me and pal'd up with the my husband. we finally got back together and things were back normal before all the problems for a few weeks and then after i found out we were having our first baby the same old thing with his back hurting came back, but this time he didnt want to show me affection b/c he was afraid to. i was pregnant and he didnt want to hurt me. but at the end of the day he still wanted sex...the part i dont understand is this. if you love someone so deeply to marry them how can you watch them cry daily, literally, and consciously hurt them the same way time after time and then turn your back and walk away from them and carry on with your activities like nothing happened. NOW, we argue all the time and we have moved an hour away from all my family and friends to be close to his work. my dad just had heart surgery and my mom is going through her own struggles with her health and here i am all alone an hour away with nobody, and broke as crap and cant afford the gas money to drive there more than every other week and i am miserable. I have always had family close by that i knew i could count on if i needed them. i dont like being lonely. and its not cuz i want to stay right under mom and dad. its just that my mom had 2 heartattacks when i was 6 months pregnant with my first baby and the doctors gave her very slim chances of making it and she was on life support, it was awful and i realize now what people take for granted. i love my parents and i want my kids to know them and i want to be there while they are still here b/c one day they wont be. and i know your thinking ONE hour, thats it, but with a close relationship with my family it feels worlds away to me. but anyhow, good news is the lease is up april 2007 the bad news is i dont know if i can stay sane till then. i'm a country girl to the core, and here in the city apartment and no yard, privacy, etc. i just hate it!!!! i'm stuck in this apartment with the same 4 walls everyday. WHAT DO I DO???? Divorce? what? begging for advice.... You said that you love each other, but you don’t like each other, and this might seem like an obvious question, but, does your husband know that? If you were to say that statement out loud to him, would he agree with you? If he would agree with you, then you need to make a decision to resolve the issues between you, or, to do nothing and leave things the way that they are and continue to be unhappy, or, get a divorce. One suggestion I can give you is to try talking to your husband when there is no argument occurring, say some validating statements so that he will be less likely to react in a defensive manner, something like this: “I love you so much and I appreciate all that you do for your family. I want us to have a long lasting and healthy marriage, and that is why I want to talk about …..” When you start out saying some things that are positive, you are more likely to get a positive response. Then, ask him to tell you three things that he likes about you and three things he doesn’t like about you, promising that you won’t be angry with this list, and you do the same. Then, talk about the things that each of you doesn’t like and come to a resolution, or at the least, a compromise. You need to atleast try to communicate your needs to your husband; all you can do is try. If he still doesn’t hear you, or ignores you- then he is disrespecting your needs, and you don’t deserve that. You sound as though you might be depressed, also. Have you considered that your depression might magnify the negative things in your life? If you believe you are depressed, the best thing you could do for yourself and for your children would be to see a Dr. and be treated. To be an available mother that your kids need and deserve, you have to take care of yourself first. I urge you to take care of yourself, and be your own best friend right now. You deserve happiness, and I wish you the best. |
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June 14, 2006, 7:34 pm PDT
Quote From: kitspics So if I have read this right, your husband is not living up to your expectations of what his behavious should be, so you are looking at others that may live up to your expectations of what their behaviour should be?
Sorry not getting it!
What are your exact expectations of his behaviour that he is not fulfilling for you?
Are they reasonable expectations?
How much of these expectaions require him to read your mind? Or are opposite of his very nature?
Why are these expectations more important than they were when you first got into this relationship?
You know, your behavior is not reliant on his! To put the blame on him, for your interest in wandering is not fair...I mean that...because honestly....if you and your husband divorced next month, it would not be in your best interest to get involved with anyone for at least a year or longer...so the idea of being married and getting into a relationship is simply acting out....and is actually your problem not his...because frankly this kind of thinking is destructive to yourself....because no man will ever be able to completely fulfill their partner or live up to all their expectations.....
So, how realistic are your expectations? And how can you maturely deal with them?
And what differently can you do to bring you and your husband closer together?
Perhaps focusing more on what you can do will help you to stop focusing so much on what he doesn't do....
Sometimes when met with disapproval people will fail to see the point of even trying after what they have done has been ignored!
My point being....rather than being a reactor....just act!
Not so much expectations but needs, wants, and promises. All of this has been expressed through counseling over the years, as well as his needs from me. He has made promises to change over and over and can no longer make promises because he cannot follow through with them.
I like what you said, it made me sit and think, thanks for that. My expectations ARE reasonable and I have been trying to maturely deal with them for a while now, not so much more in the past but definitely in the recent months. We just keep seeming to hit the same dead end.
I am not looking to others for anything other than the companionship I don't get from him. That has been my biggest complaint since very early in our marriage, his/our time. Also suffering from ADD, it is hard for him to keep his attention held to one task to complete, throwing ADD in the mix last year has also added some answers for some things but also added additional frustrations.
I strongly feel that I have been the actor these past months since our last round of counseling. I listened to what he said and needed and have tried to apply everything he was requesting. I have worked very hard at doing those things and am proud that I have. I just don't see that it has helped.
Communication with him just doesn't happen. For years it was because I wasn't "safe" to come to. The counselor helped him understand I am and I learned ways to be safe for him. He is allowed to confront me and I welcome it. Problem is - he still WILL NOT confide in me with anything, good or bad. I need someone who is willing to share things with me, not protect me or hide things from me and I need someone who wants to and makes time to spend with me, no matter what the obstacles are (and i'm talking reasonable time not unrealistic time). |
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