Topic : Relationship Myths

Go to www.midlifeclub.com and read about what your husband is going through...

i would like to go back to the bed but see when he left me for his son mother he got a bed for her and him and the bed his hers and his and  they did stuff in it so i will not go in it and he will not get a new bed or even care to get a new bed we don't fight we just act like we are friends and do are our things i take care or the two youngest boys who are mine and his and he take care or  the oldest boy who is his and his exs , see my husband ask for me back i was so upset when he left me because we have been together for 6 years and been married for almost 3 years when he left me it was hard for me to get over it and i was almost over him and he needed my help and so i help him because of my boys and then i ask him for divorce and he was like if thats what you want but i want you and the boys back so now i am back and this time around its hard for me to put all my care in to this and even trust him or listing to anything but i don't fight with him i just let it go ,,,  

  

but i like to sleepin the bed but i can't and right now he sleeps in the bed or on the livingroom floor or on the couch if i am on the floor so what am i to do i don't win from losing... 

   

   

IF he hasn't asked you yet and has plans to no longer work a regular job I'd run for the hills!  

   

It as well may be some form of retribution on his part about you selling your home!  

   

But hey...it seems to me that he is letting go of responsibilities and the fact that he hasn't asked you to go with him tells me he is letting go of you too!  

   

Yep you should ask him some pointed questions about this!  

   

   

my husband and i have been married going on 3 years in september and 2 purely angelic babys. the problem is that we love eachother we jut dont like eachother. we have had problems since right before we got married but i thought it was just wedding jitts. well, it started when he wouldnt spend any time with me. example: i would ask him to sit with me and watch a movie, or just cuddle and he said his back hurt. so i was like fine. but then he would get on his hands and knees and crawl around the living room floor with our cat and have so much fun with the cat i was sitting there thinking what in the world is wrong with me?? soon i ended up crying every night alone in my bedroom while he rolled his eyes and comforted me none what so ever. 4 months later i left and told him to file for divorce. i was staying with a friend, he was buddy-buddy with MY family, and i felt so neglected and to top it all off it was the one year anniversary of my grannies death that i took so hard i had to go to counseling...i was a rock bottom. i gave my heart to a man like no other i had ever met, i was coping with the death of Granny that was just heartwrenching since we used to talk almost daily and i was holding her hand with her last breathe, and finally when i needed my family to lean on they betrayed me and pal'd up with the my husband. we finally got back together and  things were back normal before all the problems for a few weeks and then after i found out we were having our first baby the same old thing with his back hurting came back, but this time he didnt want to show me affection b/c he was afraid to. i was pregnant and he didnt want to hurt me. but at the end of the day he still wanted sex...the part i dont understand is this. if you love someone so deeply to marry them how can you watch them cry daily, literally, and consciously hurt them the same way time after time and then turn your back and walk away from them and carry on with your activities like nothing happened. NOW, we argue all the time and we have moved an hour away from all my family and friends to be close to his work. my dad just had heart surgery and my mom is going through her own struggles with her health and here i am all alone an hour away with nobody, and broke as crap and cant afford the gas money to drive there more than every other week and i am miserable. I have always had family close by that i knew i could count on if i needed them. i dont like being lonely. and its not cuz i want to stay right under mom and dad. its just that my mom had 2 heartattacks when i was 6 months pregnant with my first baby and the doctors gave her very slim chances of making it and she was on life support, it was awful and i realize now what people take for granted. i love my parents and i want my kids to know them and i want to be there while they are still here b/c one day they wont be. and i know your thinking ONE hour, thats it, but with a close relationship with my family it feels worlds away to me. but anyhow, good news is the lease is up april 2007 the bad news is i dont know if i can stay sane till then. i'm a country girl to the core, and here in the city  apartment and no yard, privacy, etc. i just hate it!!!! i'm stuck in this apartment with the same 4 walls everyday. WHAT DO I DO???? Divorce? what? begging for advice....

You said that you love each other, but you don’t like each other, and this might seem like an obvious question, but, does your husband know that? If you were to say that statement out loud to him, would he agree with you? If he would agree with you, then you need to make a decision to resolve the issues between you, or, to do nothing and leave things the way that they are and continue to be unhappy, or, get a divorce.
One suggestion I can give you is to try talking to your husband when there is no argument occurring, say some validating statements so that he will be less likely to react in a defensive manner, something like this: “I love you so much and I appreciate all that you do for your family. I want us to have a long lasting and healthy marriage, and that is why I want to talk about …..” When you start out saying some things that are positive, you are more likely to get a positive response. Then, ask him to tell you three things that he likes about you and three things he doesn’t like about you, promising that you won’t be angry with this list, and you do the same. Then, talk about the things that each of you doesn’t like and come to a resolution, or at the least, a compromise. You need to atleast try to communicate your needs to your husband; all you can do is try. If he still doesn’t hear you, or ignores you- then he is disrespecting your needs, and you don’t deserve that.
You sound as though you might be depressed, also. Have you considered that your depression might magnify the negative things in your life? If you believe you are depressed, the best thing you could do for yourself and for your children would be to see a Dr. and be treated. To be an available mother that your kids need and deserve, you have to take care of yourself first. I urge you to take care of yourself, and be your own best friend right now. You deserve happiness, and I wish you the best.

Not so much expectations but needs, wants, and promises.  All of this has been expressed through counseling over the years, as well as his needs from me.  He has made promises to change over and over and can no longer make promises because he cannot follow through with them.   

   

I like what you said, it made me sit and think, thanks for that.   My expectations ARE reasonable and I have been trying to maturely deal with them for a while now, not so much more in the past but definitely in the recent months.  We just keep seeming to hit the same dead end.    

   

I am not looking to others for anything other than the companionship I don't get from him.  That has been my biggest complaint since very early in our marriage, his/our time.  Also suffering from ADD, it is hard for him to keep his attention held to one task to complete, throwing ADD in the mix last year has also added some answers for some things but also added additional frustrations.  

   

I strongly feel that I have been the actor these past months since our last round of counseling.  I listened to what he said and needed and have tried to apply everything he was requesting.  I have worked very hard at doing those things and am proud that I have.  I just don't see that it has helped.    

   

Communication with him just doesn't happen.  For years it was because I wasn't  "safe" to come to.  The counselor helped him understand I am and I learned ways to be safe for him.  He is allowed to confront me and I welcome it.  Problem is - he still WILL NOT confide in me with anything, good or bad.   I need someone who is willing to share things with me, not protect me or hide things from me and I need someone who wants to and makes time to spend with me, no matter what the obstacles are (and i'm talking reasonable time not unrealistic time).  

I am glad the questioning helped!  Because it is really important that everything be looked at and not just felt!  Because our emotions can often cloud the real issues! 

  

Do you think his not changing is because he can't change or because he won't? 

  

What I mean is, is this something he is actually capable of doing but won't?  Or something that he is incapable of doing?  Not in his basic nature or that he is unable to actually see the problem at all as you see it? 

  

Perhaps now that you know he has ADD there is more to it than what the councillor suggested! Perhaps there are other steps involved that without the full knowledge the councillor couldn't suggest for either you or your husband! 

  

If that is the case then talking to your husband and going to a councillor may be more in order than it ever has!  Because now you have the full information needed to actually get some positive results! 

  

And that may be the key to actually talking to your husband about counseling again!  Maybe he needs more help in dealing with things....the kind of help you or the previous counselors couldn't offer!   

  

Perhaps the councillor you have used in the past is not the right one for your relationship...maybe you need someone who specializes in add... 

  

To me it sounds like he wants to change but can't!  In fact you expressed that he wished he could! 

  

So to me it sounds like he would if he had the tools to do so....but hasn't gotten the appropriate tools to do that so far! 

  

Just the fact that he expressed those feelings tells me he still loves you and cares about the relationship. 

  

Here is another question for you though! 

What kind of support network have you built around yourself? Have you developed close mature relationships outside your marriage that can help you fill some of the void you feel you have in your marriage....what I mean are familial or close same sex friendships...Are they of any help! Or would they be of any help? 

  

Also it sounds as though your husband is non-confrontational, that he was perhaps in an abusive home while growing up!  Along with add and dependent on his basic nature (which sounds introverted) he has probably few emotions to share as they are actually buried to himself! 

  

All of this an educated guess for me! 

  

But I don't know that I would give up! 

  

But perhaps I look at love a little differently than alot of people!   

  

It isn't how much I am loved but how much I love! 

So I don'r tend to focus on what he should be doing to make me happier in the relationship! 

Generally I focus on what I can be doing to make me happier in this relationship as well as make him happier! 

  

I also tend to not overanalyze what he does or doesn't do!  I try to focus on the good things he does....I have my limits drwn of course... 

  

I guess I look at my marriage, like I look at having my children. 

  

I didn't have my children so they would love me, but so that I could love them!. 

That  even though my children assuredly won't live up to my expectations I am not going to stop loving them because of it! Neither would I stop loving my husband! 

But I still have my limits! 

  

So what are your limits? What constitutes a deal breaker to you? 

  

You don't have to answer me on that...but ask yourself! 

  

But it seems to me after 18 years of the putting up with the same behavior then it obviously hasn't been the deal breaker for you up to now! 

  

So what has changed to make it a deal breaker for you? 

  

I am not trying to get answers out of you!  I am trying to help you look at this thing from every angle! 

So that whatever decision you make in your life you will know that you have covered all the bases! 

  

It is a sad thing to look back and know that had you done this one thing you may be happily married to same person now!  Or to find out that you loved them more than you knew and if you knew then what you know now you would have done things differently! 

  

Been there, done that! ha! 

  

I am hoping for the best for you! 

Now answers here for you....those you have to find for yourself, just hoping that I have helped you out of the ditch and back onto the road! 

  

Kit 

This is the 1st time that I have posted a Message. I really need some help.  First let me start by saying that I really love my husband. We have a Great Relationship. We have been Married for 2 years. We have a 6 yr old boy from my previous Marriage. And we have a 9 month old son.  My husband is very helpful with my 6 yr old. The Issue that I'm having is, I do not feel that I have to do EVERYTHING.  I work a full time job. I'm a VP at a Large Bank. I get up at 4:00am, I take my baby to day care at 5:30am. I work until 3:00, Pick up the baby at 4:00. I get home feed him, play with him, put him to bed at 6:00pm. Then I start doing dishes, straightening up the house, get my lunch ready. The only reason I'm talking about my 6 yr old right now is he's at his dad's for the summer. Cook dinner. Read for an Hour and Go to bed at 9:00. Not to mention on the weekends I do the yard and wash my car. My husband he has a full time job also. The things he does at home is: take out the garbage, makes his lunch and cleans the cat box twice a week. I feel that I'm carring the heavier load. He says he's TIRED from working out in the heat. We live in AZ. Duhhh I'm tired to. Ok while I'm doing all this my husband is on the computer..Playing games and reading a Football board. Our 9 mo old crys when his dad holds him cuz its always at the computer.   

  

I have tried to talk to my husband about this issue that we have. I have explained to him that sometimes I need help with some of these chores that need to be done. He will raise his voice, I personally think to make me stop talking about it. So I will shut down and not say anything. I feel that I'm really starting to RESENT my husband. I have tried to explain to him that HELLO the baby is crying cuz he is BORED of the computer...I wrote my husband an email about how I feel. He didnt even say anything about it. But he did say that he read it.  I just don't know what to do. I don't want a divorse, This is truly the only Issue that we have. Someone please help me.  

You need to set priorities and only do what NEEDS to be done and anything that can wait,well, it will wait. Freeze left overs, always make sure there iis food in the refrig and freezer that hbby can pop in the microwave, in other words, so he can help himself to dinner. Heck, use paper products instead of washable dishes and utentsils. WHen hubby starts complaining, tell him you are tired and you are going to start making things easy for your self.................Crock pot cooking is good as well. I cook up casseroles a lot, can usually eat on those for a couple of days............As far as the baby goes, maybe your husband doesn't really know what to do, as it is we women, for the most part who have the gift of being care givers, maybe tell him what needs to be done. One thing that helped me at one point in my marriage was to make a lst of things that needed to be done and I posted it on the refrig and hubby helped more then, He saw waht needed to be done and he did some things from the list, it helped alot and now, everything pretty well gets done and if certain things don't, O well, such is life, tommorw is only a few hours away, LOL.................Also, you have to take time for your self, let the dishes go one night and go take a hot bubble bath, go for a walk, whatever. Tell hubby, you are going out for a bit and you will be back and then go. Mommies need to take care of themselves to be effective and good mommies. You can't change him but you can change yourself, Consider, how can YOU make things easier on you and then go from there.

Thank you so much for your reply. You have really helped my out ALOT. I should do at home what I do at work. WORK SMARTER NOT HARDER. I will use all of your suggestions. I have to remember that just cuz I think its obvious to help. Dosent mean hubby thinks of the obvious.