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Topic : Relationship Myths
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September 20, 2006, 6:27 pm PDT
 Quote From: katiep My husband I have been married for a year and 3 months and been together for 3 years. He has a friend that only gets to come into town once a year he lives in NV. When this friend comes to town, my husband spends his every waking moment with him. So that is what I have to look forward to this weekend. I have struggled with this for 2 years of our 3 because I don't like being left at home. I moved away from my family and friends 2 years ago to be with him and I really don't have close friends here. My concern is that I am just trying to be controlling when I shouldn't be. I cry the whole time he is gone, and I tell myself that it is all his fault that I am upset, but maybe it is not, maybe my insecurities are making feel like I have to have him with me 24/7. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should feel, or how to make myself stop wanting to be with him all the time. Any suggestions or comments that you might have would be great, maybe I need to hear the harsh reality of my actions. I just don't know why I feel this way, how to make it go away, or if I am right and he is wrong. Please let me know what you think!!!! How is your marriage/relationship when this guy isn't around? If you and your husband normally get along then you have nothing to worry about. he sees his friend once a year, it isn't like he is with him every day of the year. It is actualy good for couples to seperate and do their own thing once in a while. You can take this time and do something for yourself, get some things done that you have been putting off, and make sure your husabnd knows that you love and trust him, plan a candlelight dinner or something when you know your husband is going to be home, keep the fire burning in your marriage, jeolousy and getting upset everytime he isn't with you will ruin your marriage. |
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September 21, 2006, 2:55 am PDT
Quote From: katiep My husband I have been married for a year and 3 months and been together for 3 years. He has a friend that only gets to come into town once a year he lives in NV. When this friend comes to town, my husband spends his every waking moment with him. So that is what I have to look forward to this weekend. I have struggled with this for 2 years of our 3 because I don't like being left at home. I moved away from my family and friends 2 years ago to be with him and I really don't have close friends here. My concern is that I am just trying to be controlling when I shouldn't be. I cry the whole time he is gone, and I tell myself that it is all his fault that I am upset, but maybe it is not, maybe my insecurities are making feel like I have to have him with me 24/7. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I should feel, or how to make myself stop wanting to be with him all the time. Any suggestions or comments that you might have would be great, maybe I need to hear the harsh reality of my actions. I just don't know why I feel this way, how to make it go away, or if I am right and he is wrong. Please let me know what you think!!!! Your husband'd friend comes in once a year, naturally your husband has to entertain him instead of just sitting home and doing nothing. I see nothing wrong with this. What does concern me is your insecurities and the need to be with him 24/7 - 365 days a year. It's almost like you are addicted to him which in itself is extremely harmful to a marriage. You do not need to smother him, you do not need to control everything he does, he is his own person. And you absolutely should not be crying while he is entertaining his friend. There is something going on inside of you that you need to get a grasp on before this "obsession" starts to ruin your marriage. If I were you I'd get into counseling to find out why you feel this way and act the way you do. It's unhealthy to try to contol his every move, I'm sure this comes from somewhere in your childhood, explore this with a therapist so you can have a healthy relationship with him before you ruin this marriage. |
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September 22, 2006, 9:26 am PDT
Hi........I have been married for 4 years and with my husband
fora total of 11 years. We have 3 sons. Basically, a very loving
andaffectionate couple. My situation is this. My husband started a new
job three months ago.Recently, I came across some emails that were
exchanged by my husband and a coworker (woman). He had told me
about her in previous conversations just like he had told me
about other coworkers...about their lives and such. However, I didnot
know that emails were being exchanged. SHe is married with childrenas
well. Many of her emails talked of silly little things about herlife.
The last one I saw was when I was in the hospital giving birth toour
third son. My husband was taking some days off work to be with meand
our boys. In it she congratulated us on the baby and then proceededto
tell him that she "can't bare to lose him" , "she's lost all will togo
back to work without him there" , "hurry back." and " they woulddiscuss
the racy stuff later" That upset me. His response to her wasabout the
baby and some flirty type stuff like " of course i'd readyour email,
you're too funny not too" and " no matter what happens withour jobs
we'll always keep in touch" and " you'll have to explainwhat racy
stuff you're talking about..hope its' good. " Now, thisis a job
they both hated and to pass time I guess a group of them wouldjoke
around. He says that on his part it was just innocent flirting
andfun....nothing beyond that. He isn't responsible for her words. He
saysit was just new and fun that nothing would ever come out of it that
wasinappropriate. He saw it was upsetting to me so he agreed that if
itwas inappropriate in my eyes that he would stop any friendship with
herbecause he didn't want to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. And he
hasstopped. In saying that, he does think I overreacted to it. That I
amaccusing him of an affair ( I am not) He has not shown any signs
ofeven thinking about an affair. We are happy otherwise..have regular
sexand he is always where is suppose to be..no questionable
behaviourbesides these emails. Since this has happened we've
beenbickering..well I've started most of it because I feel really
upsetthat he was having this 'friendship' to begin with. This is not
theonly time this has happened. There were two other women he was
friendswith that made me very uncomfortable. All through email. One he
saidthat helped him see his faults in our relationship when we were
havinga difficult time. I am just worried that he may be right....that
I amoverreacting and my feelings are hurt way beyond what they should
be. Ican't help but think this happens because there is somthing wrong
inour relationship that maybe he's bored with and was looking for
somefun elsewhere..fun that sits on the line without being an affair if
youknow what I mean. Is is ok for a married man to flirt with
anotherwoman through email and at work?? Oh and he changed jobs a
week ago so no longer sees this woman. I really want other people's
feed back onthis because it is causing too much tension with us lately
and thatmakes me very sad. thanks |
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September 23, 2006, 4:48 am PDT
Quote From: rosichick Hi........I have been married for 4 years and with my husband fora total of 11 years. We have 3 sons. Basically, a very loving andaffectionate couple. My situation is this. My husband started a new job three months ago.Recently, I came across some emails that were exchanged by my husband and a coworker (woman). He had told me about her in previous conversations just like he had told me about other coworkers...about their lives and such. However, I didnot know that emails were being exchanged. SHe is married with childrenas well. Many of her emails talked of silly little things about herlife. The last one I saw was when I was in the hospital giving birth toour third son. My husband was taking some days off work to be with meand our boys. In it she congratulated us on the baby and then proceededto tell him that she "can't bare to lose him" , "she's lost all will togo back to work without him there" , "hurry back." and " they woulddiscuss the racy stuff later" That upset me. His response to her wasabout the baby and some flirty type stuff like " of course i'd readyour email, you're too funny not too" and " no matter what happens withour jobs we'll always keep in touch" and " you'll have to explainwhat racy stuff you're talking about..hope its' good. " Now, thisis a job they both hated and to pass time I guess a group of them wouldjoke around. He says that on his part it was just innocent flirting andfun....nothing beyond that. He isn't responsible for her words. He saysit was just new and fun that nothing would ever come out of it that wasinappropriate. He saw it was upsetting to me so he agreed that if itwas inappropriate in my eyes that he would stop any friendship with herbecause he didn't want to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. And he hasstopped. In saying that, he does think I overreacted to it. That I amaccusing him of an affair ( I am not) He has not shown any signs ofeven thinking about an affair. We are happy otherwise..have regular sexand he is always where is suppose to be..no questionable behaviourbesides these emails. Since this has happened we've beenbickering..well I've started most of it because I feel really upsetthat he was having this 'friendship' to begin with. This is not theonly time this has happened. There were two other women he was friendswith that made me very uncomfortable. All through email. One he saidthat helped him see his faults in our relationship when we were havinga difficult time. I am just worried that he may be right....that I amoverreacting and my feelings are hurt way beyond what they should be. Ican't help but think this happens because there is somthing wrong inour relationship that maybe he's bored with and was looking for somefun elsewhere..fun that sits on the line without being an affair if youknow what I mean. Is is ok for a married man to flirt with anotherwoman through email and at work?? Oh and he changed jobs a week ago so no longer sees this woman. I really want other people's feed back onthis because it is causing too much tension with us lately and thatmakes me very sad. thanks Hi Rosi....
Nope. You are not over reacting.
In fact, your assesment seems pretty astute.
Take it from a non-monogamist. There is no such thing as "innocent flirtation". The act of "cheating" occurs well before intercourse. It begins the moment that someone starts to act in a different way when their spouse is not there than when they *are* there. In fact, many people will only be as faithful as their options. He seems to be feeling out what his options are.
There is a distinct possibility that your husband might be having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that life is not a Disney movie. This happens all the time to both sexes. Having someone interested in you is exciting...and NATURAL. 11 years is a long time to be faithful and monogamous though, so there is obviously a strong bond that the two of you have, and it is worth fighting for.
The BEST way to fight for this is to NOT fight with each other. The tough part for you will be this: Most married people do things like your husband is doing because they don't feel that they can be honest about their feelings with their spouse. They fear a terrible reaction, and a backlash, and they make everything worse by "sneaking" and being deceitful. Without HONESTY their is no real communication. You have to allow him a forum to be honest with you about what he is feeling WITHOUT him fearing your reaction. It may not be what you want to hear, but you have to establish honest communication. Otherwise you are just BSing each other, and this could turn into something ugly.
Neither of you should try to make the other apologize for your feelings. Every day that two people are together is a gift they give to each other, and like any other gift, is has to be given freely. You can't demand it. Obligation is a reason to join the army, not to stay in a marriage. There is obviously something there in your relationship...with honesty that gift might still be possible.
I have a feeling from your post that you have a great shot. (You need to break up your paragraphs though, kiddo)...My apologies for any misspellings and if I am not communicating well...It's really early on Sat morning and I have not had nearly enough coffee....I'll say this again, this forum needs a damn spell check. |
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September 23, 2006, 7:13 am PDT
Quote From: richard_woods Hi Rosi....
Nope. You are not over reacting.
In fact, your assesment seems pretty astute.
Take it from a non-monogamist. There is no such thing as "innocent flirtation". The act of "cheating" occurs well before intercourse. It begins the moment that someone starts to act in a different way when their spouse is not there than when they *are* there. In fact, many people will only be as faithful as their options. He seems to be feeling out what his options are.
There is a distinct possibility that your husband might be having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that life is not a Disney movie. This happens all the time to both sexes. Having someone interested in you is exciting...and NATURAL. 11 years is a long time to be faithful and monogamous though, so there is obviously a strong bond that the two of you have, and it is worth fighting for.
The BEST way to fight for this is to NOT fight with each other. The tough part for you will be this: Most married people do things like your husband is doing because they don't feel that they can be honest about their feelings with their spouse. They fear a terrible reaction, and a backlash, and they make everything worse by "sneaking" and being deceitful. Without HONESTY their is no real communication. You have to allow him a forum to be honest with you about what he is feeling WITHOUT him fearing your reaction. It may not be what you want to hear, but you have to establish honest communication. Otherwise you are just BSing each other, and this could turn into something ugly.
Neither of you should try to make the other apologize for your feelings. Every day that two people are together is a gift they give to each other, and like any other gift, is has to be given freely. You can't demand it. Obligation is a reason to join the army, not to stay in a marriage. There is obviously something there in your relationship...with honesty that gift might still be possible.
I have a feeling from your post that you have a great shot. (You need to break up your paragraphs though, kiddo)...My apologies for any misspellings and if I am not communicating well...It's really early on Sat morning and I have not had nearly enough coffee....I'll say this again, this forum needs a damn spell check. I agree with richard's post and I also agree this forum should have a spell check. There are many people who write on here and they also have there run on sentences. How do you tell someone without offending them? Many people are not educated enough in these areas. I believe that is why many people have a hard time at life. I have one thing to say to this woman. Why did you and why do many women have babies with a man whom they cant trust? Why did you marry him if you cant trust him? I am seeing a guy who lives 3,000 miles away. Only choice for now. If he wants to cheat he will do it 3,000 miles away or three miles away or in your own home. Dr.Phil says if someone wants to do something they will do it with you there or not there. They will do it under your nose or millions of miles away.Leave hubby alone and if he wants to be caught eventually he will be whether its on email or non email or whatever. If you have trust issue you need to tell hubby and seek counseling and help for the issues. Dont bury this trust issue. It will fester and then you will be alone with three babies. |
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September 23, 2006, 5:49 pm PDT
Quote From: richard_woods Hi Rosi....
Nope. You are not over reacting.
In fact, your assesment seems pretty astute.
Take it from a non-monogamist. There is no such thing as "innocent flirtation". The act of "cheating" occurs well before intercourse. It begins the moment that someone starts to act in a different way when their spouse is not there than when they *are* there. In fact, many people will only be as faithful as their options. He seems to be feeling out what his options are.
There is a distinct possibility that your husband might be having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that life is not a Disney movie. This happens all the time to both sexes. Having someone interested in you is exciting...and NATURAL. 11 years is a long time to be faithful and monogamous though, so there is obviously a strong bond that the two of you have, and it is worth fighting for.
The BEST way to fight for this is to NOT fight with each other. The tough part for you will be this: Most married people do things like your husband is doing because they don't feel that they can be honest about their feelings with their spouse. They fear a terrible reaction, and a backlash, and they make everything worse by "sneaking" and being deceitful. Without HONESTY their is no real communication. You have to allow him a forum to be honest with you about what he is feeling WITHOUT him fearing your reaction. It may not be what you want to hear, but you have to establish honest communication. Otherwise you are just BSing each other, and this could turn into something ugly.
Neither of you should try to make the other apologize for your feelings. Every day that two people are together is a gift they give to each other, and like any other gift, is has to be given freely. You can't demand it. Obligation is a reason to join the army, not to stay in a marriage. There is obviously something there in your relationship...with honesty that gift might still be possible.
I have a feeling from your post that you have a great shot. (You need to break up your paragraphs though, kiddo)...My apologies for any misspellings and if I am not communicating well...It's really early on Sat morning and I have not had nearly enough coffee....I'll say this again, this forum needs a damn spell check. I didn't used to use paragraphs because it wouldn't work! the server Opera would not let me use paragraphs, I would tyw in paragraphs but it always ended up one big one. I am now using mozilla firefox which does have a spell check. I didn't realize that servers would be different in this way but they are. |
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September 23, 2006, 5:51 pm PDT
Quote From: jettav I didn't used to use paragraphs because it wouldn't work! the server Opera would not let me use paragraphs, I would tyw in paragraphs but it always ended up one big one. I am now using mozilla firefox which does have a spell check. I didn't realize that servers would be different in this way but they are. I did not use the spell check and meant to say type, not tyw, it's been a long day......... |
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September 23, 2006, 10:11 pm PDT
Hi all! I am in a tight spot and need some advice. I posted about my situation earlier in the month. To do a quick recap - I have been married for about 2 years, no kids, to a Nigerian man. His mother, father and sister live in Nigeria. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. Before we got married, we practically raised his two brothers. This caused us a lot of problems. His brothers are now out of our house and into their own places. Before we got married I was very blunt and explained to my husband I was no longer willing to raise anymore of his siblings. We had to put off many things - marriage, buying a house, kids, etc... to raise his two brothers and it was now our time to build our family. He agreed then. At least I thought so. In September of last year, his oldest brother backed out on a plan to raise their younger sister - age 11. My husband bothered me for 4 months about us taking her in. I said NO for FOUR MONTHS. Let me explain. His parents are 100% able to care for his sister but want her to live in the USA but they want to live in Nigeria. His parents NEVER SEND MONEY or help WITH THEIR OWN CHILDREN. They have NEVER said thank you to me regarding his brothers. In the end I said yes because my husband kept telling me I was being a bad wife. It was the wrong thing to do and I admit it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came to visit with us for about EIGHT WEEKS and then returned back to Nigeria today. His sister could not stay due to immigration issues. I told my husband before they left that I was wrong to agree to raise his sister and was very sorry but I could not agree to her returning to live with us next year. While they were with us (FOR EIGHT WEEKS) my husband and I fought CONSTANTLY!!!!!! I have lost weight and my stress level has been very high. I explained this to my husband and his response was, "Just stop stressing out!" Anyway, my husband was furious when I told him that his sister could not come back to live with us. Okay, today his sister and mom left and they left behind A TON OF STUFF like they are coming back to live VERY SOON!!!!! I can not take this situation much longer. Our marriage is falling apart and I don't know how to discuss this situation with my husband. Should I sit down and talk to him about it??? What do I say??? He is not very receptive to anything I say about the situation. I suggested that his one brother should take his sister in and raise her. My husband said that he is single and has his own life. His other brother is graduating college and doesn't even have a decent job. His oldest brother (the one that initially backed out because his wife said no) is not an option. My suggestion is his sister either stays with his other brother or she continues to live in Nigeria. His parents refuse to move to the US because they don't want to work "menial jobs" as my husband would say. Could someone out there please give me some tips on this situation!!!!!!!!!!!! I am desperate to settle this issue and work on rebuilding my marriage that has started to fall apart. I have a bad gut feeling that my husband plans on moving his mother and sister back into our home and I don't know what I should do???? Can I legally do anything if my husband does this against my will???? I am desperate! I don't want this situation to get any more complicated. Please help me!!!! |
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September 24, 2006, 7:35 am PDT
Quote From: rosichick Hi........I have been married for 4 years and with my husband fora total of 11 years. We have 3 sons. Basically, a very loving andaffectionate couple. My situation is this. My husband started a new job three months ago.Recently, I came across some emails that were exchanged by my husband and a coworker (woman). He had told me about her in previous conversations just like he had told me about other coworkers...about their lives and such. However, I didnot know that emails were being exchanged. SHe is married with childrenas well. Many of her emails talked of silly little things about herlife. The last one I saw was when I was in the hospital giving birth toour third son. My husband was taking some days off work to be with meand our boys. In it she congratulated us on the baby and then proceededto tell him that she "can't bare to lose him" , "she's lost all will togo back to work without him there" , "hurry back." and " they woulddiscuss the racy stuff later" That upset me. His response to her wasabout the baby and some flirty type stuff like " of course i'd readyour email, you're too funny not too" and " no matter what happens withour jobs we'll always keep in touch" and " you'll have to explainwhat racy stuff you're talking about..hope its' good. " Now, thisis a job they both hated and to pass time I guess a group of them wouldjoke around. He says that on his part it was just innocent flirting andfun....nothing beyond that. He isn't responsible for her words. He saysit was just new and fun that nothing would ever come out of it that wasinappropriate. He saw it was upsetting to me so he agreed that if itwas inappropriate in my eyes that he would stop any friendship with herbecause he didn't want to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. And he hasstopped. In saying that, he does think I overreacted to it. That I amaccusing him of an affair ( I am not) He has not shown any signs ofeven thinking about an affair. We are happy otherwise..have regular sexand he is always where is suppose to be..no questionable behaviourbesides these emails. Since this has happened we've beenbickering..well I've started most of it because I feel really upsetthat he was having this 'friendship' to begin with. This is not theonly time this has happened. There were two other women he was friendswith that made me very uncomfortable. All through email. One he saidthat helped him see his faults in our relationship when we were havinga difficult time. I am just worried that he may be right....that I amoverreacting and my feelings are hurt way beyond what they should be. Ican't help but think this happens because there is somthing wrong inour relationship that maybe he's bored with and was looking for somefun elsewhere..fun that sits on the line without being an affair if youknow what I mean. Is is ok for a married man to flirt with anotherwoman through email and at work?? Oh and he changed jobs a week ago so no longer sees this woman. I really want other people's feed back onthis because it is causing too much tension with us lately and thatmakes me very sad. thanks Your story has hit home with me. My husband too has a "very close friend" that he exchanges e-mails and phone calls with. I don't know about you but I felt like she was taking my place as his best friend. The suggestive remarks are completely uncalled for. Yes I think we all do some flirting every now and then but when it continues to the point of several e-mails a day and phone calls a red flag goes up. My situation is slightly different. They do not work together but met at a road race. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell him exactly how you feel and see how he reacts. If the tables were turned, how would he feel? I know if I had a male "friend" that sent me suggestive e-mails and called me all the time he would have a fit. I think it is just human nature to flirt a bit, but there is a line that should not be crossed. You have to decide if that line has been crossed in your relationship. Know that you are not alone. This seems to be going on alot! Hope this helps and Good Luck! |
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September 25, 2006, 6:33 am PDT
Quote From: lovelost22 Hi all! I am in a tight spot and need some advice. I posted about my situation earlier in the month. To do a quick recap - I have been married for about 2 years, no kids, to a Nigerian man. His mother, father and sister live in Nigeria. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. Before we got married, we practically raised his two brothers. This caused us a lot of problems. His brothers are now out of our house and into their own places. Before we got married I was very blunt and explained to my husband I was no longer willing to raise anymore of his siblings. We had to put off many things - marriage, buying a house, kids, etc... to raise his two brothers and it was now our time to build our family. He agreed then. At least I thought so. In September of last year, his oldest brother backed out on a plan to raise their younger sister - age 11. My husband bothered me for 4 months about us taking her in. I said NO for FOUR MONTHS. Let me explain. His parents are 100% able to care for his sister but want her to live in the USA but they want to live in Nigeria. His parents NEVER SEND MONEY or help WITH THEIR OWN CHILDREN. They have NEVER said thank you to me regarding his brothers. In the end I said yes because my husband kept telling me I was being a bad wife. It was the wrong thing to do and I admit it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came to visit with us for about EIGHT WEEKS and then returned back to Nigeria today. His sister could not stay due to immigration issues. I told my husband before they left that I was wrong to agree to raise his sister and was very sorry but I could not agree to her returning to live with us next year. While they were with us (FOR EIGHT WEEKS) my husband and I fought CONSTANTLY!!!!!! I have lost weight and my stress level has been very high. I explained this to my husband and his response was, "Just stop stressing out!" Anyway, my husband was furious when I told him that his sister could not come back to live with us. Okay, today his sister and mom left and they left behind A TON OF STUFF like they are coming back to live VERY SOON!!!!! I can not take this situation much longer. Our marriage is falling apart and I don't know how to discuss this situation with my husband. Should I sit down and talk to him about it??? What do I say??? He is not very receptive to anything I say about the situation. I suggested that his one brother should take his sister in and raise her. My husband said that he is single and has his own life. His other brother is graduating college and doesn't even have a decent job. His oldest brother (the one that initially backed out because his wife said no) is not an option. My suggestion is his sister either stays with his other brother or she continues to live in Nigeria. His parents refuse to move to the US because they don't want to work "menial jobs" as my husband would say. Could someone out there please give me some tips on this situation!!!!!!!!!!!! I am desperate to settle this issue and work on rebuilding my marriage that has started to fall apart. I have a bad gut feeling that my husband plans on moving his mother and sister back into our home and I don't know what I should do???? Can I legally do anything if my husband does this against my will???? I am desperate! I don't want this situation to get any more complicated. Please help me!!!! I think the only legal thing you can do if your husband chooses to bring his mother and sister back is to divorce him! You deserve to have a life too. Your husband does not in any way respect you or your feelings. You are his wife, he married you - you are his first priority. You absolutely need to sit him down and talk to him - better yet you two really need a therapist. One day you're gonna come home from work and find them living in your house again.... You really need to stand up for what you believe. You have a voice as to what happens in this situation, that is your home too. I'd be packing all the crap they left in your house and ship it back to Nigeria! You have choices to make here that were suggested to you last time. If your husband does not care to respect your feelings about this living situation which will undoubtable ruin your marriage anyway, you need to decide whether or not you belong in this marriage to begin with. You married a man who is very selfish, controlling and doesn't care whether or not your marriage will survive this invasion. You need to put your foot down - it's either them or you and you need to stick with this decision. Call a therapist today. |
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