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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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September 12, 2005, 1:03 pm CDT

What exactly are you afraid of?

Quote From: rbfrompa

Hey everyone.  I am 23 years old and I have been with my fiance now for going on 5 years.  We got engaged on Christmas Eve of 2004.  I couldn't have been more excited.  I began planning immediatly.  The date is set for July 22, 2006.  I have been so excited and anxious about planning a wedding.  All of a sudden, my excitement has turned into fear.  Please don't get me wrong, I truely love my fiance and know he is "the one", but I can't control this incredible fear of marriage.  First I get afraid of leaving my parents.  I moved home after getting my bachelor's degree in 2004.  I have been a huge support for my mother because she just lost her mother in June of this year.  I feel SO guilty leaving her, it's ridiculous.  I feel like she won't be able to go on without me, and I won't be able to be happy knowing that.  I am the last daughter to leave and it will only be my mom and dad here once I am gone.  My second fear is something will go wrong before our wedding.  It's not that I'm afraid we're going to split up, I'm just afraid of the unknown.  I'm also afraid of the unknown of married life.  I don't know what is going on with me, I'm just beginning to panic.  This seems to be all I think about while I'm lying in bed at night.  I love my fiance very much, and I feel guilty that I feel this way.  I don't want to tell him because I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings or upset him.  Is this normal to feel this way before marriage?  Please help! 
 I think you need to analyze your fears, even get some counseling on this if you can't figure out what's wrong. Obviously, you know your fiance pretty well, nobody can accuse you of jumping into something rashly. So, there must be something about marriage itself that has you worried. Do your parents have a good relationship, or do you feel your examples have been lacking? Do you feel that marriage will limit you, or make you change in any way? These are questions you should be asking yourself. Often the one who conducts the ceremony will require that the couple counse with him or her. They like to be assured that you two are compatible, and stand a good chance of being successful in your partnership. You could have a private one on one with the leader of your church, or some other counselor, to talk out your fears, before going through it with your fiance.
 
September 12, 2005, 1:19 pm CDT

Sadly, love is NOT all we need.

Quote From: curtis

I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it.    

Here are some of our problems:   

-I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am   

- We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family  

-She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey  

-We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore  

-I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples   

-We are living seperate lives  

   

These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.   

   

Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?  

   

I am looking forward to someone's response  

 Love can get us through a lot, but sometimes it can be difficult. You're already married, so all you can do is work through them the best you can.
 When it comes to children, I'm sorry but it's now or never. If you're going to have them with this lady, it's only going to get dangerous for her and the child from here on out. If you don't want children, for God's sake be a man and tell her so, so she can have them with someone else quickly. It really is almost too late for her.
The loss of friends and feeling out of place with each others' age groups, her waning attractiveness to you, and the differences in sexual needs are all par for the territory. You should have considered these things with more seriousness before taking the plunge.
You are entitled to your feelings, we all make mistakes. The question is, what do you do about it? I can't tell you what to do, and I wouldn't even if I could. I would be honest with her though, you owe it to her. And work it out with her, don't do anything rash on your own that is going to make the problems bigger and messier.
 
September 13, 2005, 11:16 am CDT

Thanks for the insight

Quote From: ritehere

 I think you need to analyze your fears, even get some counseling on this if you can't figure out what's wrong. Obviously, you know your fiance pretty well, nobody can accuse you of jumping into something rashly. So, there must be something about marriage itself that has you worried. Do your parents have a good relationship, or do you feel your examples have been lacking? Do you feel that marriage will limit you, or make you change in any way? These are questions you should be asking yourself. Often the one who conducts the ceremony will require that the couple counse with him or her. They like to be assured that you two are compatible, and stand a good chance of being successful in your partnership. You could have a private one on one with the leader of your church, or some other counselor, to talk out your fears, before going through it with your fiance.
Thank you for you thoughts.  I think it might be my parents.  They used to get along really well, but anymore they fight quite often.  It really upsets me when they do this.  When I was growing up, I really thought they were the "perfect" couple, but not so much anymore.  I think you may be right here, maybe it's they're example of how they are now that freaks me out subconsciously.  Again, thank you. 
 
September 13, 2005, 12:29 pm CDT

Have patience

Quote From: hardymum

My husband and I recently started marriage counseling. We have been married eight years and had a lot of ups and downs. We were in counseling about five years ago as well, but it wasn't very successful. He was refusing to do it again until recently when a major fight prompted me to tell him that if we didn't go to counseling, then we would have to get a divorce. I hated to go to that extreme, but I was at my wits' end. The main issue for me is his verbally abusive anger. He is normally a nice guy and a good husband and father, but when he's angry he turns into a very nasty person.

So anyway, now we are in counseling and things are very touchy at home. He is extremely polite and helpful, but emotionally distant. He has no interest in physical contact at all - just gives me Granny kisses good night. I know this is understandable given the circumstances... I have made him out to be "the bad guy" and he is uncomfortable with me. But it is very hurtful, especially considering that last week was our anniversary and he was very unromantic. I'm doing everything I can to keep things normal and cheerful and to show him that I love him by taking care of the house, having dinner ready on time, etc., but inside I'm really, really hurting and depressed.

What I'm afraid of is that we have been though so much, that we will never be able to really overcome the past hurts. I don't think we'd get divorced, but the thought of living this life of quiet desperation for God only knows how long is just really getting me down. I hope the counseling will help, but I have to admit I don't have a lot of faith in the process right now.
 

 

Has anyone been through a marriage that stayed together successfully in spite of problems?  And advice? 

Just remember, these issues didn't happen over night and they will not be resolved over night.  Give your husband and yourself some time to let everything sink in and stop hurting so much.  Just keep doing what you're doing and have patience.  If either of you push the other too quickly, you're likely to hurt your relationship more.  The fact your husband is willing to work at it should say something.   

  

Continue being the good wife you are but also pay attention to yourself as well.  Try not to focus so much on your "marriage" as a this ugly weed that just keeps getting worse, instead start focusing on the things that make you smile.  Have some faith in your husband, he's still there and he's trying. 

  

Good luck! 

  

 
September 13, 2005, 12:44 pm CDT

Age difference

Quote From: curtis

I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it.    

Here are some of our problems:   

-I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am   

- We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family  

-She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey  

-We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore  

-I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples   

-We are living seperate lives  

   

These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.   

   

Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?  

   

I am looking forward to someone's response  

Is it really the age difference keeping you distant?  I am 7 1/2 years older than my husband and my clock is ticking as well.  My husband and I discussed all these things long before we thought of getting married.  Your wife being older, I'm hoping these things came up before you got married? 

  

If you love her, talk to her and open up to her.  She should understand your concerns and you need to consider hers.   

  

Is it you do not fit in with her friends or you choose not to?  What about your friends, do they have too much of an influence on you to crave that young single life and is that why you feel you don't fit in with them anymore?  Or is it you choose not to fit in with them anymore?  You didn't "lose" your friends, they did not accept your wanting to move on to the next phase in life.  My guess is you walked away from them.   

  

As far as not being attracted to your wife because her body is changing, well, if you take on a 20 year old wife, her body will change too after children and age and you'll be in the same place you are now.  You knew when you married her that she would age and with age changes happen.  Accept them!  It should be her heart and mind you love and are attracted to, NOT her body. 

  

Is it really that you can no longer satisfy each other or because you're choosing to live separate lives you are not attracted to each other right now?  Every married couple goes through this.  It's normal.   

  

Talk to your wife, tell her your wants and fears about having children right now but remember, her clock is ticking quite loudly.  And remember what it was that "blinded you with love" that you chose to accept her as she is and build a life with her. 

  

 
September 13, 2005, 4:56 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: curtis

I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it.    

Here are some of our problems:   

-I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am   

- We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family  

-She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey  

-We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore  

-I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples   

-We are living seperate lives  

   

These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.   

   

Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?  

   

I am looking forward to someone's response  

Marriage is about two people and if the two of you really want a good loving and lasting marriage you have to work together. You must communicate and respect each others feelings and concerns, as well as each others dreams and desires, it is both of your responsibility to be there for each other. I was 37 when I had my first child and 39 when I had my second, and though I have no regrets at this point, there was a time when I thought it was never going to happen and I was bitter and sad, I thought my biological clock was running out and there was no hope for me, you need to realize that women especially have this built in desire to bare children as we are pretty much the care giver gender, it is her right and privelege to have these feelings and desires, please do not rob her of her dreams and desires, at the same time, she needs to respect your dreams and desires as well, this is why communication is so imporant, if you keep surpressing everything, your marriage will certainly die. it is imporant to talk and set goals, Value her wishes and let her know that you want to help meet her desires. When my hubby and I met and started dating, we talked so much about our future and what we each wanted and desired, we entered marriage thinking everything was under control but really it wasn't. He brought in fears and lack of confidence when it came to raising kids and that certainly caused some issues, but once he opened up to me and we were able to discuss it, we worked together and got through it and we now have two beautiful little girls and he absolutely adores them, he is the best father that two little ones could ever ask for. Again, marriage is about two people, it takes love, respect, honor, communication and even sacrifices and compromise. I suppose it all depends on how much you want your marriage? I think divorce is a cop out for most couples, it is just to easy to get a divorce, I think it is the lazy way out of coming together and working things out. My husband and I still have our seperate lives even though we have young children, He works and has friends that he goes out with, I am a stay at home mom and still have friends to go out with, it is about working together. Just because you have a family does not mean you have to quit building your career and a life together, Work out a plan that will work out for both of you, it is possible to have a family, a career, a loving relationship and friends, it is all a matter of putting things into perspective and balancing life, may not always be easy but well worth the effort, believe me, I have been in your wifes shoes and I do know how she feels, and remember that even though the medical technology is so much better then it was 20 years ago and it is much safer for a woman in her thirties to have babies, there is still a higher risk of baring handicap children, so think about her feelings and state of mind as a female with a great desire, think about her reasonings and input and I would expect her to do the same thing with you, afterall, it is about both of you. Maybe it is time to see a counselor just to help you both sort these things out and to help you to learn to communicate and to put things into perspective, sometimes hearing it from a third party can make the difference.
 
September 14, 2005, 10:25 am CDT

When is enough ENOUGH?

Oh my, I am so frustrated. I am 36 years old and have been married 8 yrs. We have been thru so much in the last 4 years. I had an affair and lived with another guy.  But the last year and half , Ive been back with my husband. I think I mostly came back to him because of the life we used to have and our home. I never have any loving feelings about him. He is just so mean to everyone. He has told me he is jealous of out 7 year old son and that I give him too much attention. Can u believe that? He ignores our son, and is very impatient with both of us and his whole family. He hardly ever smiles and says hurtful things to me all the time. We have been together a total of 14 years. I think I want to move on and get away from him, but I have no money and no job. I am so confused and dont know what to do.  I dont know if I can keep living like this and wasting more life away. I want to be happy and I love my son so much. Staying together should help our son, but in this case, it seems to be doing the opposite. This is not something u read about all the time. I wish someone would read this and tell me they are going throught the same thing. 
 
September 14, 2005, 7:39 pm CDT

Frustrated

  

  I am struggling to sort myself out before I burn out.  We have a great relationship when we spend time alone together but this seems to be getting to be none existent.  I work two jobs trying to get 40 hours a week and then do so much running with children, I am exhausted when I make it home to start my home 'job'.  My husband is unable to work and so is at home fulltime and I want him to take more of a part in the household, but since the older children are from  another marriage-and there is stress between them-and only the youngest one is his, there is a resistance to that.  He enjoys outdoor things, which is great as I can't do that as well as household duties but we do live inside.  I have asked that we have some us time, even if it is doing jobs, but he complains that I spend too much time with the youngest and so there isn't enough time for him.  I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  When I have a day off through the week, I expected to spend some time together and ended up alone as he was elsewhere.  I begin to doubt myself and wonder if I am not as 'interesting' as I once was.  Surely I can't be washed up already? 

 
September 15, 2005, 8:46 am CDT

Dont u be so hard on yourself

Quote From: snowbabe64

  

  I am struggling to sort myself out before I burn out.  We have a great relationship when we spend time alone together but this seems to be getting to be none existent.  I work two jobs trying to get 40 hours a week and then do so much running with children, I am exhausted when I make it home to start my home 'job'.  My husband is unable to work and so is at home fulltime and I want him to take more of a part in the household, but since the older children are from  another marriage-and there is stress between them-and only the youngest one is his, there is a resistance to that.  He enjoys outdoor things, which is great as I can't do that as well as household duties but we do live inside.  I have asked that we have some us time, even if it is doing jobs, but he complains that I spend too much time with the youngest and so there isn't enough time for him.  I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  When I have a day off through the week, I expected to spend some time together and ended up alone as he was elsewhere.  I begin to doubt myself and wonder if I am not as 'interesting' as I once was.  Surely I can't be washed up already? 

You are a strong, hard working woman by the sound of it and you need to stop being hard on yourself. You are working 2 jobs, handling a household and kids. It sounds as if your husband is very self centered like mine is. Everything is me, me, me. Is the youngest child yours?  And not his?  He needs to get over it. I sympathize with you. I feel the same thing, except you are doubting yourself and I'm not. I know that being a good mom to your child is everything and if the men in out lives cant understand that, then they need to grow up...big time...
 
September 15, 2005, 8:54 am CDT

I feel for u and I understand you....

Quote From: hardymum

My husband and I recently started marriage counseling. We have been married eight years and had a lot of ups and downs. We were in counseling about five years ago as well, but it wasn't very successful. He was refusing to do it again until recently when a major fight prompted me to tell him that if we didn't go to counseling, then we would have to get a divorce. I hated to go to that extreme, but I was at my wits' end. The main issue for me is his verbally abusive anger. He is normally a nice guy and a good husband and father, but when he's angry he turns into a very nasty person.

So anyway, now we are in counseling and things are very touchy at home. He is extremely polite and helpful, but emotionally distant. He has no interest in physical contact at all - just gives me Granny kisses good night. I know this is understandable given the circumstances... I have made him out to be "the bad guy" and he is uncomfortable with me. But it is very hurtful, especially considering that last week was our anniversary and he was very unromantic. I'm doing everything I can to keep things normal and cheerful and to show him that I love him by taking care of the house, having dinner ready on time, etc., but inside I'm really, really hurting and depressed.

What I'm afraid of is that we have been though so much, that we will never be able to really overcome the past hurts. I don't think we'd get divorced, but the thought of living this life of quiet desperation for God only knows how long is just really getting me down. I hope the counseling will help, but I have to admit I don't have a lot of faith in the process right now.
 

 

Has anyone been through a marriage that stayed together successfully in spite of problems?  And advice? 

My husband and I have been married 8 years as well. And its a sin for me to say, but I am getting to the point of hating him.He is so self centered and is not nice to anyone. Can u get out of the marriage and go live somewhere else?  Thats what I want to do, but money is an issue for me, but I am working on that. One good thing is that u never had children with him if u are feeling this anger. I have a 7 year old with my husband and he ignores him and sometimes goes a whole day without speaking to him. He says I do too much for our son and I dont give HIM enough attention. Idiot...It is now 1:30 in the day and I am here so depressed and confused of what to do, and I am still here with my pj's on. I am thinking about things 24-7. I know your feelings my friend, and I am there too. Take care 

 
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