Quote From: curtisI am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it.
Here are some of our problems:
-I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am
- We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family
-She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey
-We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore
-I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples
-We are living seperate lives
These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.
Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?
I am looking forward to someone's response
Marriage is about two people and if the two of you really want a good loving and lasting marriage you have to work together. You must communicate and respect each others feelings and concerns, as well as each others dreams and desires, it is both of your responsibility to be there for each other. I was 37 when I had my first child and 39 when I had my second, and though I have no regrets at this point, there was a time when I thought it was never going to happen and I was bitter and sad, I thought my biological clock was running out and there was no hope for me, you need to realize that women especially have this built in desire to bare children as we are pretty much the care giver gender, it is her right and privelege to have these feelings and desires, please do not rob her of her dreams and desires, at the same time, she needs to respect your dreams and desires as well, this is why communication is so imporant, if you keep surpressing everything, your marriage will certainly die. it is imporant to talk and set goals, Value her wishes and let her know that you want to help meet her desires. When my hubby and I met and started dating, we talked so much about our future and what we each wanted and desired, we entered marriage thinking everything was under control but really it wasn't. He brought in fears and lack of confidence when it came to raising kids and that certainly caused some issues, but once he opened up to me and we were able to discuss it, we worked together and got through it and we now have two beautiful little girls and he absolutely adores them, he is the best father that two little ones could ever ask for. Again, marriage is about two people, it takes love, respect, honor, communication and even sacrifices and compromise. I suppose it all depends on how much you want your marriage? I think divorce is a cop out for most couples, it is just to easy to get a divorce, I think it is the lazy way out of coming together and working things out. My husband and I still have our seperate lives even though we have young children, He works and has friends that he goes out with, I am a stay at home mom and still have friends to go out with, it is about working together. Just because you have a family does not mean you have to quit building your career and a life together, Work out a plan that will work out for both of you, it is possible to have a family, a career, a loving relationship and friends, it is all a matter of putting things into perspective and balancing life, may not always be easy but well worth the effort, believe me, I have been in your wifes shoes and I do know how she feels, and remember that even though the medical technology is so much better then it was 20 years ago and it is much safer for a woman in her thirties to have babies, there is still a higher risk of baring handicap children, so think about her feelings and state of mind as a female with a great desire, think about her reasonings and input and I would expect her to do the same thing with you, afterall, it is about both of you. Maybe it is time to see a counselor just to help you both sort these things out and to help you to learn to communicate and to put things into perspective, sometimes hearing it from a third party can make the difference.
