Topic : Relationship Myths

The proper care and feeding of husbands is one of the best books I have ever read.  She also has it on CD so you could listen to it while you drive to work or when you children are napping or anytime.  It is such a honest, cut throat, in your face, way to view your marrage.  We live in a socieity where when we reach the slightest little bump in the road we deem ourselves "unhappy" and instantly search out the "happieness" that we "deserve".  This book is ment to be read with a open mind and a open heart.  Your perspective while reading it should be one of wanting to make your marrage the best it can be.  It saved my marrage and my life.  I have a wonderful husband and he has always been wonderful, I just needed some reminding of the fact that he was a human who had feelings, wants, goals and dreams too.  As women we sometimes get so caught up in ourselves we forget to take care of the men who take care of us.  I would just recommend it very highly.  It truly changed my life.  Read it!!

You may just be experiencing a fear of the long-haul committment you have made.  Give it some time; it takes adjustment. What makes you feel as though you have made a mistake? Look for that answer and let us know; perhaps we can give some insight then.

You can get cold feet after the "I Do's" just like you can get them before. I'm sure you have heard so much about how marriages end and so on, that you're just worried that you might end up like them. Its easy to tell you just let your fears go and be happy, but that is easier said then done. Try this if you dont already, everytime you get scared or start to feel like this was a mistake, stop look at your husband and list all the things why you love him. If I'm right about how you are feeling scared cause of all what you have heard, seen, read about marriages failing then tell him that not that you feel this is going to end, but your scared it will end.

 

I hope I have helped a little.

My husband and I have been married less than 2 years and already I am wondering if our marriage will last.  I have recently learned that he is belittling me to his co-workers and friends behind my back.  He told one co-worker that he "put me on a diet", following a previous night's verbal fight whereby he told me to USE my treadmill.  I have put on a few pounds since we have been together, but I am comfortable in my skin and have the yo-yo weight issue.  He says really mean things to me at times and it hurts.  He has no remorse, never apologizing, just actsl like we never had words.  Also, there is an issue about his hairstylist.  He had been going to his ex-girlfriend to get his haircut at the time that we met.  I know there is nothing between them, but he is a "stand by your hairstylist til death do you part" kind of man.  I don't understand this when there is a hairstylist on every corner.  This woman has gone in the military full time and is stationed close to her home.  She no longer cuts hair for a living, but will keep some appointment for her loyal customers when she can, even if it means her lunch break.  I tolerated this for the first year of our marriage, and then I tried reasoning with him on finding another stylist.  He seemed to resent that I ask him to make that small sacrifice and when his hair got to be more than he could stand, he announced to me that he wanted DONNA to cut his hair.  So, I gave him an ultimatum.  I told him that I am NOT playing second fiddle to an ex-lover and that if he insists on defying me on that subject, he can pack his stuff and get out.  Eventually he gave in to letting ME cut his hair, which turned out as well as her haircuts do.  I have cut his hair twice since then although when he is in his "mood" he tells me that he got a "hacked up" haircut from me.  So this past week he requests a haircut from me.  I gave him his haircut but made no conversation with him while I did so, although he continually tried to get me to laugh at something he said or entice responses from me.  I was tight lipped while I performed the task at hand.  After completing the task, he asks me what is wrong with me.  I explained to him that he was giving me mixed signals about the "hacked up haircut" and then his request that I cut his hair.  He immediately BLEW UP saying that he "makes BIG BUCKS" and brings it into this household and he should be able to get his haircut by whoever he pleases.  And that I am making a big deal out of it.  He's the one yelling...and I am making the big deal?  I don't really have a problem with WHO cuts his hair, but the fact remains that he is inconveniencing himself and the ex-lover by setting appointments with her to squeeze him in her busy schedule with a worklife that does not include cutting hair full-time.  Not to mention that he is always having to re-schedule the haircut.  It is RIDICULOUS!  I know there is nothng going on between them, but he feels that I am asking too much since he is the MAN making the BIG BUCKS.  I could go on and on, but I have MY real job to go to now.  I have a career and can retire in 7 years.  He has had his job for 3 years, often changing jobs.  I will have a retirement - he won't.  I feell that he is intimidated by my intelligence and is butting heads with me.  His ex-wife was illiterate and "needed" him to take care of the business end of their relationship.  But now, I supercede him in knowledge of computers and handle all the bill-paying, and the homefront, etc.  I am more than he's ever had, yet, I am a fat-ass and need to lose weight.  Whatever happened to unconditional love.  BTW, I am 5' tall, weighing 160, size 14 or Large clothes.  I dress up everyday for my job and take pride in my appearance.  Also I have built a website promoting HIM and us....you can check it out:  www.flintstoneandbonecreations.com.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

Becky

I think you are totally right- your husband is insecure with your intelligence and the fact that you don’t “need” him. He has to count on your being with him because you love and care for him; and he isn’t used to that. His insecurities are driving him to say and do things that could actually cause his worst fear to come true- that you walk away.
You didn’t say if you’ve confronted him about the things that he says to his friends/co-workers about your weight, etc., if you did, what was his response? Or, rather, what was his excuse?
It is very sad that he is so insecure with himself; if he could simply relax and accept happiness, he could enjoy such a happy, fulfilling life! It sounds like, for some reason, he believes that he doesn’t deserve to have that; he has low self esteem. Belittling you makes him feel better about himself; if it wasn’t your weight, it would be something else.
Regarding the hair cut: it doesn’t sound like the issue is really the hair cut- rather, it is, again, his insecurity that is the root of the problem. Are there times when you can approach him and talk in a calm, reasonable manner about the issues in your relationship?

I like your down to earth positive encouraging post. I would have been much meaner thinking her husband was controlling and all. Goes to show I have lots to overcome.

My ex was controlling and then it led to abuse but now I know it was all about his insecurities.

I wasnt a nice person either so we just clashed I guess.

Its too late for now but I can learn the lesson and not repeat it right?

As far as other myths about relationships.

I am seeing a new guy now but he lives in another State and its tough. I hope that he doesnt cheat or anything but how could I stop it? Do men cheat no matter where they are? Under your nose or far away? I dont even know if I want to move yet so how can I handle this or is this just my insecurities?

 

 

 

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year.  We are both in our 50's with grown children. He is a good man and treats me well.  My problem, he is drunk by 7 every night.  He says he is just stressed and this is really not who he is. That I should just be patient.  He says if I would drink with him, I would understand and learn to relax.   Sometimes, after we talk about it, he will cut back for a few days but within a few days he is again drunk.  He goes to work everyday and never has a hang over the next day. (I don't know how he does it)  He knew how I felt about excessive drinking before we got married.  I really don't want to leave him but I don't know how long I can live with a man staggering all over the house everynight.  I have checked with Alanon but that isn't the kind of life I want.  Any suggestions short of leaving.  It seems wrong to leave an otherwise good man because of a flaw. 

I know I'm 16, but just read me out. Sweetheart it'll be hard to leave a man that you love. It's almost like when a woman is abused by her lover, but she just can't leave him because she loves him. She doesn't want him out of her life, she just wants him to be a better person and feel better. The same goes for you. Drinking because you are stressed is very very wrong. Handling stress by drinking a beer is like spanking a child for saying "Thank you." The best way is to exercise. I know what you're thinking. That exercise doesn't work, but it does. Get him a punching bag or something. Your second option could be talking about it some more. Ask him what's wrong. Don't let him have a beer just to cover up what's in side. Ask him how his day at work was. Or how he's feeling. Or if he'd like to do anything special. Get deep down inside that mean and see what the main problem is. Just talk it out. Being able to have conversation is what marriage is about.

He has a drinking problem, even though he isn't drunk all the time, the fact he cant go weeks and months without drinking at night he has a problem. Have him seek help with AA, maybe he doesn't think he does but I bet anything he does. Its not abnormal to drink when stressed we all do, but we don't do it all the time and if you do most likly a drinking problem. I would say he didn't have a drinking problem if he only had a beer or two a night didn't get drunk. And if he says he doesn't have a problem then make a bet with him, say no drinking of any kind for 1 month if you fail go to AA and seek help. Good luck

Lord knows I have been in your shoes for many many years.  I am the child of an alcoholic and if that wasn't enough I dated 2 drunks for 15 years.  With that said I can pretty much tell you I have heard it all.  Your husband may have started drinking to take the ege of of his busy day but that obviously has led to a dependancy, addiction to alcohol.  Problem drinkers and/or alcoholics drink because they like the high regardless of who they hurt or the consequences.  His priority is not you it is the bottle.  And unless he realizes and acknowledges that his drinking is and will inevitably ruin his marriage and life I don't think he'll stop any time soon.  He has to want to stop, you can't make him.

Only 5% of alcoholics are street bums, the rest are functioning drunks.   Because they get up and go to work the next day they have a hard time believing that they are alcoholics or problem drinkers.  Hence the denial continues. 

AlAnon is where you should be.  Check out another meeting if you did not like the one you went to.  You can learn alot from the people there, listen and learn.  Read all you can about the disease, buy the AA Big Book - it will give you some good background and feel free to leave it around the house, he may decide to pick to up one day and read iwhile you're not watching.

Thi is not something you can sweep under the rug.  It is an insidious disease which ruins families and lives.  I wish you well.