Topic : Sex

First of all, I think you have several very valid questions and concerns.  I will try and give you the man's perspective. 

If I was you, I would find out what it is that is stimulating him to masturbate.  We (men) cannot get there without something that is getting us going.  He may say it is boredom, but I say it is an impulse to please himself at the moment, based on some thought or physical desire.  Let's break that into each one.  These really are separate, and you should not treat this as if he is doing anything wrong or that his thoughts are not genuine.  He may not understand the impulse either.  I have been suddenly stimulated before without much reason behind it.  My wife always says the wind must have blow the right way, but it think it has a mind of it's own sometimes.

The thought: the thought may have been generated by something visual.  A TV ad, a story he heard from a friend, seeing you when he entered the house after work, etc...  Play on that in a kind way.  Find out what is stimulating him and do that.  For the examples mentioned: dress up similar to the ad he has seen, read him a story from a Penthouse letters mag, wear something sexy when he comes home from work some day, etc...

The physical desire:  He may find himself mysteriously excited or suddenly feeling stimulated due to hormone spikes or really no explainable reason.  Tell him that when that happens, you would be happy to help him out.  He does not have to explain why he is suddenly feeling that way, just that you would like to participate, even if that means you masturbate at the same time. 

The next thought I have is, why don't you masturbate.  Take him along with you to the adult store, do some shopping together and tell him that you are going to do this, with or without him, at least once a week.  If he would like to watch or join in, good for him, if not, you are going to start taking care of your needs. 

I will lend you something from my experience.  I was a one time giving my wife the impression that all I wanted was sex.  She kind of avoided all contact with me, since she thought that was all I wanted.  Well, that really hurt me emotionally, until I figured out that I needed to take away the pressure and just let her be affectionate without strings attached.  Do you feel like you have created this situation maybe?  If so, try and tell him about your sexual needs, but you are really missing the affection also.  Do you have a date night?  In my experience, more sex comes from the mind and heart being well (romance and love).  It sounds like you are empty nesters, why aren't you trying out every room in the house?  Live it up maybe.  Offer to pull over in the middle of no where while driving.  Stay the night in a local hotel room with a hot tub suite.

The last thing I would like to mention is, what are you waiting for?  I have read several posts on here over the years from woman that say things like, if you do not like it, make a change.  You engage him.  You initiate the next moves.  You make a plan for it to change and drag him along.  You know that old saying "when momma ain't happy, no one is happy"  What image are you portraying?  Are you casting out unhappiness or frustration?  Just some things to think about.  I really hope to get a reply from this.  Your story really caught my attention.  Think outside the box.  Like Dr. Phil says, "How is this working for you?"  Change things up alittle.

Thanks for your thoughts.  Getting a male perspective on this is important to me.  I don't think that I'm judgmental, and I'm definitely not uptight in this area.  But if he were a woman, one might be able to call his behavior/attitude "frigid."  Through the years, I have tried just about everything you've suggested and have had very limited success.  He won't look at porn (at least not with me and I really don't believe he looks at it when he's alone.)  He won't read erotica with me.  I've tried the "cookbooks" of sexuality (The Joy of Sex, etc) to little avail.  I've asked him to read things and show me what he likes if he finds it hard to verbalize.  Zip.  I've asked him to show me what turns him on or what he would like for me to do with him.  Zip.  Well, not exactly zip, but almost.  All that he has said for 23+ years is, "I like to be touched."  No wheres, no hows, no whens.  OK.  I was always taught that men need very little to be sexually stimulated or satisfied, and that was my experience until this man.  I've done a lot of soul-searching in this area and have been very intentional in my attitudes and actions.  I'm pleasant and upbeat almost all the time (even my daughter tells people, "My mom's never bitchy.")  I'm healthy, pretty, petite, have good hygiene...  If there's something that keeps him at arm's length, he won't tell me what it is.   I've suggested christening each room of a new house.  You'd think that I asked him to strip and go naked in public.  I've tried being forward, and he usually turns away, literally.  Oh, he tries to be coy about it, but it doesn't feel like anything but rejection to me.  I've gone down on him in the shower or just after and it's as though he just doesn't know what to do.  So he wriggles away from me and says something like,"we can't do that now."  He won't get in a hot tub with me in a hotel.  We live in a secluded and private area, and I would like to make love outdoors on our patio under the open sky.  I've described how we could make a comfy place to lie down, and all he says is that the bugs would ruin it.  ( Upon reading this, it looks like I'm horny all the time and am constantly after him to perform.  These things have taken place over 23+ years, and I think that I've been very patient.)

  Since posting my first inquiry last week, we have had a heart to heart talk about some things in our lives that are distracting, and in my opinion overwhelming.  None of this was centered on sex or sexuality, but I did bring up that he seems very distracted by other things and that I felt it took away from our ability to enjoy spending time sharing one another, whether sexual or not.  Since last posting a note and seeing my words, as well as the words of others, in black and white, it seems obvious that I'm married to a man with intimacy issues.  I guess masturbation relieves him of physical needs without the discomfort of being close to someone else, and perhaps of having some expectations put on him.  One expectation I have of him is to not act bored or ready to be done with the whole thing when we make love.  I told him that his being interested in sexual activity with me is a huge turn-on for me.  Thud! (That's the sound of my comments falling to the floor.)  Either he's just not into this facet of life or he hasn't figured out how to express it in his 50 years of life, unless he's all alone. :-(

   But I like the challenge you put out of thinking outside of the box.  Perhaps there is something else I can do or at least an attitude to adopt.  I thought that I'd exhausted my little bag of tricks.  During our talk the other day I told him that I needed for him to try to understand my attitudes about our lives and responsibilities.  I think that we are unnecessarily loaded with things that we have put on ourselves, and it's taking away from "us."  If after examining things in an objective way , he still thinks that I'm blowing smoke and he's perfectly comfortable with all that we (mostly he) have put on our plates, then I will have to work to make a parallel life so that I have things that take my energy and attention elsewhere.  Not at another address or with another man;  just a life of my own that he's not responsible for in any way.  I don't imagine that's what he really wants, but perhaps so.  I will continue to explore thinking outside of the box.  I thought I had been,  but maybe not so much.  Your question, "What are you waiting for?" strikes me.  I have been waiting for him to get comfortable with his sexuality and to realize that it is a wonderful gift that we have in this life.  I've been waiting for his hang-ups to disappear.  Before we were married, I thought that he was acutely suffering from guilt originating in the religion of his upbringing.  So I was waiting for him to feel the freedom we have as married people to enjoy our sexuality. (It never occurred to me as a young woman that there were decent men out there who really aren't all that interested in sex.) I was waiting for the kids to grow up. I've been waiting for such a time that I no longer place any value on that aspect of our marriage.  I've been waiting for him to open up to me about his issues so I could maybe understand him better.  Perhaps I've waited too much.  But I will think about your challenge and examine what I might be "casting out," as you put it so plainly.  And I will think about what I can do that  might add a new dimension to our lives without adding any new demands or responsibilities. 

Without sounding condescending, I am proud of your response.  I reread my reply and thought "I hope she did not think I blamed that all on her".  You responded very well.  Also, there is not judging here, not from me for sure.  I think you are expressing yourself well and not giving any room for anyone to judge you.

It has been my experience that many times we have issues, it always had to do with too many other commitments.  Sound like you are trying hard.  I would also admit that many men would love for their wives to have your attitude about this.  That being said, we haven't solved anything.

I think that him telling you that it is OK for you to make things work for you is a real comment.  I think that you should take matters "into your own hands" as men would put it.  He is taking care of things, so should you.  Start out with or without him.  Invite him to participate when you are comfortable.  It will not be a replacement for love, but it will satisfy the physical need.  This may help with his "perception" or your "casting off" , if so, that you are being too persistent or demanding in this area, because it will relax you.  Maybe, if you are making him feel less pressured, he will turn to you more for affection?  Just a thought.  Besides, I will say it again, "What are you waiting for?"  Unless it is vulgar to him, it is not damaging to the marriage.  Invite him along to help you "pick out" your new toy.

Was there any resolution from your heart to heart?  If was just a vent session, how is anything going to resolved?  Have you read the rules on how to fight fair?  These rules, I have found, apply to talks also.  If you do not work out anything, all you have done is got out your feelings.  Did we tell you he has any needs?  Did you ask him how he can help you with yours?

As far as his reaction to you being too forward, ie. porn, letters, talking, etc... I actually could believe that this is from his upbringing.  He was obviously programmed a certain way.  Maybe part of thinking outside the box is working with that.  Make things very private. Have you asked him what situations he is comfortable in?  Or have you just tried to figure it out by trying new things?  Has he expressed what any of his fantasies are?  Have you asked?

When I ask you to think "outside the box", what have you been thinking of doing?  Anything come to mind immediately?  Should we brainstorm this somehow?

There is one other thought I had out of this.  What is his big goal right now.  If he is using his time doing other things, he obviously has some big goal in mind or some major life accomplishment he is working on?  If that is true, you may want to lend a hand in that to help you spend more time with him.  Also, he will feel a larger sense of love and appreciation for you, which may lead to more affection and sex.  ???  Keep helping me sort out your comments and maybe together we can come up with some new and great idea for you?  You have definitely got my attention and my willingness to help right now.

My wife and I have talked many times about the day when we are in your spot in life.  We are 38 and 37.  We are looking forward to the moments that you are offering to your husband.  I would say that your husband, in my opinion, is missing out on one of the greatest times of his life.  Let's be honest, we are not all going to look as attractive as we do right now.  I want to live it up while my wife and I are both as good looking as we are going to be.  My wife, too, is very attractive, fit, very healthy, great hygiene.  I have been around long enough to understand that I have a great thing going.  Your husband, if he were more interested, would understand that he has a good think going also.  I will keep looking for your response.  Scott

Wow! What a quick reply.  Sometimes it's days before I have enough time and/or privacy to get this out on the screen.

  I didn't think you were blaming me.  It's just my belief that most people, male or female, really cannot "get" that what my husband does/doesn't do is so completely normal for him and has such an established history.  Consequently, I feel like I need to explain things so someone would understand that I'm not just having an "out of whack hormone day" or have interpreted one or two isolated incidents as being problematic.

  You are so right.  Sexual problems usually have their root in other issues within the relationship.  Our heart to heart the other day was calm, and I made it clear that this was not a finger-pointing, blame-laying session.  I just implored him to take a hard look at our lives and the stuff we clutter it up with.  I expressed myself clearly, calmly, and without tears, and told him what I needed:  more affection, a more relaxed attitude when we are together, and more freedom from the things that encroach on our time together. He was quite defensive and said that life happens, stuff always comes up, and to "get over it."  To which I replied that I understand that life happens, but we don't have to make it more demanding by adding stuff to our plates that doesn't need to be there.  I don't think it's reasonable to have a number of sizeable projects going at any given time, all the time. (These are not work/job-related projects.)  He is a micromanager who insists on doing everything himself because no one else can do it right or will rip us off.  These projects include, but are not limited to, fixing/maintaining all of the cars by himself (3 are in various stages of being rebuilt and restored, and the other 5 seem to always need something), landscaping projects including reshaping of  the lot and digging trenches, by himself,  in order to address some drainage and aesthetic issues, remodeling a second home with his own two hands and my assistance... you know... putting in new floors from the joists up, installing new plumbing and fixtures/appliances, etc.  Are you tired yet??  There are even more similar-sized projects currently in various stages of completion, but I won't get into those.  He's  taken on new responsibilities at church.  He also pays all the bills and makes all the household business type calls... garbage company, insurance, etc.  Did I neglect to say that he has a full-time job that is extremely high pressure?  Says he wants to know what's going on and won't delegate any of this to me even though I am intelligent, responsible, and capable.  He is an incredibly accomplished man and full of talent.  But must one do everything there is to do in this world? (Surely that's the real reason why he masturbates... it's fast and less demanding than shared sex!)  Bottom line?  I think that placing so many things in one's life that require such a lot of attention and thought is a subconscious way of insulating oneself from having to interact with others. Though I didn't say that when we had our talk (didn't want to get too analytical with him) I did ask him to work hard to try to see this issue from my perspective.  And that if he couldn't, then I would have to make my own parallel life.  I'd no longer be able to make it a point to make myself available to him in order to accommodate his very irregular schedule.  Perhaps then he would get swallowed by everything that I feel suffocated by almost all of the time.  He says he doesn't know why I feel burdened with all of his stuff and projects. Afterall, he's neat and keeps his stuff put away almost all of the time.  Is he obtuse or am I just too sensitive?  What is it about the male psyche that I'm not understanding???  Is he unreasonable in what demands he puts on himself, and consequently us, or am I being unreasonable in asking him to lighten up, simplify SOMETHING, and take the time to interact with me?  I want and need both affection and sex.  I want good sex while I'm at it.  I want to enjoy the total being of my husband, yet he's stingy with me in that way. (He's learned to be generous with me financially and in giving me freedoms that many women yearn for.)  I'd love to have the opportunity to play with "toys" with him, but he acts like such things are vulgar, nasty.  I'm a pretty straight arrow, but I think a healthy, active and fun sex life is more than o.k., and that between the two of us can encompass just about anything we want it to.  He's just not comfortable with much outside of the generic.  If our love life were to be marketed, it would come in a can with a white label that only had  "SEX" written on it.  All kidding aside, I find myself doing some things that  are probably not emotionally healthy.  Like a child who has been denied stuff he really wants but can't have "just because," I sometimes take a perverse but angry pleasure in doing things behind his back in order to grin about it later.  Things like masturbating while lying on his desk and no one else is at home.  Or using some of  his things as "toys,"  and then smiling to myself when he uses them or I imagine him using it at work.  Or placing my "scent" on his pillow after pleasuring myself.  I don't think these attitudes are really healthy.  They are full of resentment and anger, and I don't feel like I have any safe place to put them.  I refuse to harm my own body with eating disorders or substance abuse or going outside of my marriage.   Sorry this has gone on for so long... it's apparently not a simple question of why a man will masturbate...

Well, we have got some work to do and it all is with you.  You have said several times that your husband, if not anything else, is very consistent in the way he acts.  I have to be blunt and honest, I do not think you are going to change him much.  You may influence some of his behaviors and actions, but you will not change the way he is all around.  I suggest that you let him sink in his own ship.  Let him do the things he does.  Let him overwhelm himself in the life if that he wants.  Most men, in my experience, need to mess up before they learn.  He will one day regret not doing fun things, spending time with you, spending time on things other than work.  Until then, he will keep going like he is.

I suggest you find a good girl friend, not partner, friend (so you understand I am not being suggestive).  I suggest you take a trip, a cruise, spend time doing things you like to do with someone else.  Take your mind off what seems to be almost an obsession with this issue.  the question is, what are we going to do with you?  I cannot believe how naughty you are.  This is not healthy for you to be so engaged in resentment that you act out.  Avoid the pain you are putting on yourself.  Subconsciously, you are letting him control your emotions and life.  Free yourself by getting you mind off of it.  But, control yourself also.  I would say that you are vulnerable to an affair.  You can deny it that you ever would, but if you put yourself in the right situation, at the right time, with an attractive man, whom talks nicely, seems interested in you and your needs, seems very understanding to your issue, you may not resist temptation.

I say to you, if "SEX" is a white labeled box, why does "Life" have to be?  The problem as I see it is that you have put all your value in the white labeled box and forgotten that there are more things in life than just that. 

Suggestions:

Use some of your "financial freedom" as you put it, and get out and discover the world.  Come home with great stories of how he would love to have seen what you seen.  How much you loved going somewhere.

What are your wishes and hopes in life, other than sex and affection?  Do you have a dream of having your Masters Degree in something?  Do not forget about the things you have given up that may be possible for you to do now.

Find friends and groups that share your interests.  You said you are fit and petite, find a work out partner, someone who likes to swim at the pool with you, likes to shoot guns, heck I do not know what you like.  What is it that you are not doing because you are concentrating your efforts specifically toward the marriage.

Do you have a milestone anniversary coming up?  Plan a vacation to Europe, Asia, etc... far away from his work and life as he says it now.  Maybe getting his attention focused on something other than his day to day work, may make him realize what he is missing out on?

Do not turn to friends for advice.  When my wife and I had issues, the first thing our marriage counselor told us is "Do not involve others in your problem"  Their opinions may make you think how they think and you may not follow your heart.  What you are doing here, I think is very healthy.  But remember, this is someone elses opinion.  The only way this can really be resolved is between you and him (PERIOD)

The last thing is, I think you are focusing way to much on the masturbation.  That is not an excuse, it is a symptom.  It is easy for your to focus on that, since that is what you feel like you are deprived of.  Why men do it is not that answer.  In general, men do for the 2 reasons I discussed before.  You can try and figure out why, but that is something that he will have to talk with you about for you to understand.  I have not done this without my wife present for a long long time.  For me, it is strictly physical.  Generally, for me, it is to relieve stress.  The only time I do it is if she is not wanting sex or will not (that time).  But, since she understands that, I need to sometimes, she is there and understanding.  So, I guess, I am not able to answer the general question of "why?".  I think it is a simple question, I just think that the answer is unique to the individual.

Now, why do you masturbate?  Are you doing it for physical fulfillment?  To fulfill some resentment?  I will be looking back later today for your reply.  Scott

You've shared some very good insights.  I've already begun doing some of the things... Have a trip planned with girlfriends next month.  I have a friend to do things with like go to museums, movies, etc.  I think he may be gay or have that in his past.  He's just like hanging out with one of the girls.  Anyway,  Hubby is completely o.k. with this situation.  I think he's glad that he doesn't have to go to the museums or the chick-flicks that my friend and I enjoy.  My friend is a good bit older and I'm friends with his older sister.  Kinda a family friendship.  I don't know what I'd do without my friends. 

    I will be thinking more about some of your suggestions.... further education in my field, explore some opportunities in that area.  Should he decide that he doesn't want to lighten his load and wants to keep as busy as he has been, that's part of my plan for my parallel life. 

    I've long said that I can't be friends with men as I recognize that I am vulnerable.  I never would want to go the affair route... I'd do without before I'd hurt anybody else that way.  Besides , I'm an  awful liar and I always get caught when I do something wrong.

    My family is due in very soon.. college-age daughter coming in from work, hubby coming in from work, and I have to tend to my responsibilities.  I will definitely give more thought to your suggestions & thoughts...  Sometimes I don't need clear-cut advice as much as I need a sounding board and ideas to springboard from, and I appreciate that you've taken the time to do that.

Let me first start off by asking you if you've ever been sexually attracted to your mate?  If the anwer is yes then I would think that you find it to be rather boring, or 'not so good' because of his erectile dysfuntion. My Mother went through this for many years, and she would always tell me how much she loved her husband BUT that it wasn't worth the aggrevation on her part to try and get a sexual act started because he could never satisfy her, therefore she'd rather just not do anything at all. I think that problems like that can be easily rectified seeing that there's so many things now available to men that suffer this condition.

If your answer is no, well then it's in my opinion that you love him, but you're not in-love with him, and there's a major difference between the two. Maybe you both need to seel some form of counseling, that way you can sit and pour your heart out. I would love hearing back from you, and I do wish you the best.

Respectfully,

Lashawnna A. Burney