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Topic : Sex

Number of Replies: 1104
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

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April 15, 2008, 6:22 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: angela730

You're right. There is more to the story. I met my husband after we both suffered emotionally wrenching break ups. We commiserated and one thing led to another. Long story short, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, knowing that he wasn't the right one for me. I still don't know why I did it...loneliness, feeling so bad for him because he was so sad, or maybe because he was the complete and utter opposite of the guy who left me (and, subconsciously, less likely to leave me?)

 

He looks pretty much the same as when I met him, so this isn't a situation where he's gotten "worse" with age. I've just never felt that "connection" with him (mentally/spiritually) and certainly no physical "spark" whatsoever. We don't share any views, from politics to social issues to child rearing, etc. We raised his two daughters, and we have a five year old son together, and we fought loudly and angrily about how to raise them, etc. He's always been an angry, selfish, loud, aggressive, and boorish person.

 

This lack of "connection" with him led me down a destructive path. Years of anger and resentment and fights culminated in me leaving him last March. I told him I wanted a divorce, and I started talking to and meeting up with a man that I always thought was "the one" for me. Sure enough, after 22 years of separation, this man and I fell into each other's arms and cried like little kids when we saw each other again. My heart had never felt so full. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

But my husband had other plans. After divorcing me, he tortured us. He followed us. He went after this guy. He threatened his life, his mother's life, etc. He threatened me. He told my son horrible things about us. He told my family horrible things about us (they took his side). He told everyone in our small town horrible things about us. I had to call the police a number of times. After about a year of this, I told this man that I couldn't take what was happening to my son. He couldn't either. I told him I was going back to my ex, that I owed it to my son to do everything I could to restore his home and his happiness. He admitted that he was emotionally drained too, tired of watching his back, wondering when my ex would appear around the corner and "do him in".

 

We cried and cried. We debated. And we cried some more. And finally, we let each other go. I still think about him every day. And I still cry.

 

So I went back. To my ex's credit, he has turned things around. He is attentive with me and our son. We went to family counseling for a while. I told him I would never marry him again, but that I would be willing to try and rebuild a relationship for my son's sake. He is helping around the house. His anger is under control. He really seems to understand what he did wrong and is trying to fix it.

 

But obviously it can't change who he is. As for me, I am honest with my ex about how I feel. He knows that I was never attracted to him. He knows that I am still not. He knows that I still have feelings for the other man. He is waiting patiently for me to "get it out of my system". He knows that I only came back because I couldn't stand what he was doing to our son. He says it bothers him that I didn't come back because I love him. I love him because he's my son's father. He's a hard worker and a good provider. He's trying hard. Sometimes I like him. But most of the time, I don't like the way he thinks, the things he says, his humor, his attitude, or his opinions. I just ignore it and resign myself to the fact that I am an adult, and that sometimes, as adults, we have to sacrifice what we want for the health and well being of our kids.

 

 

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.

I wish I knew what to say! I think that this is a story Dr. Phil would like on his show honestly! But in all seriousness...do you really think this is best for your kids? I dunno...I wish I knew what to say.
 
April 17, 2008, 11:34 am CDT

Honestly....

Quote From: PennyLane78

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.

I wish I knew what to say! I think that this is a story Dr. Phil would like on his show honestly! But in all seriousness...do you really think this is best for your kids? I dunno...I wish I knew what to say.
I don't know. I don't know if this is what's best for my son. I'm trying to figure out who I am and whether I should still be trying to save this relationship. I'm trying to do the "Self Matters" stuff, but I am so honestly confused that it's just making things worse. I actually contacted the show about all of this, and they wanted me to come on, but my ex refused. They didn't seem interested in just having me. Oh well. The journey continues. Thanks so much for listening and responding, PennyLane. Maybe I'll try to convince the show to take me on!
 
April 24, 2008, 1:44 am CDT

where did it go

ok where did it go? My sex drive....I cant find it any where....39 yrs old married 1 1/2 yrs living together 5 1/2.I can remember when he could wake me up in the morning and well you know. During the day I would pace the floors waiting for him to come home and we could start over. This went on for 2 yrs. The only breaks we got was during my time of the month. Now....Well lets see...we didnt even make love the day or night we got married. I was sick with the flu. I was in bed while my new husband was watching TV, and making me dinner.Its was 22 days later. And theres only been 3 other times since then.This is driving me crazy.When the mood does hit me, dont let me sneeze because its gone.And I cant get it back.My husband is 10 yrs younger than me and that scares me. He says he would never step out on me and I really do believe him. And trust him. I just know he has to be fustrated. I am......And he has made comments like "something has to give'" what does that mean. Please dont make me go there. That place where you wonder if he his doing something. And could I blame him? Could I understand and forgive. what do you do?See, just thinking about it hurts. I have to find my drive. It has to be here some where. It cant be gone forever. I really enjoyed what my man did for me. never a complaint and never a moment when you go is that all. No, I get a taste of the highest form of bliss and then its gone. I'm going to stop whinning now and just hope for the best
 
April 24, 2008, 1:57 am CDT

whats the point

Quote From: PennyLane78

What you are saying is much more than LOOKS...his opinions? His humor? His attitude? Those have nothing to do with not having beautiful eyes.

Honestly...there is much more going on here. If you'd rather talk through email feel free to email me...but there is more to this story...there has to be.

My husband has gained a lot of weight over the years, we too have been married 9 years. He's not what he looked like when we met...however the love we share transcends this. I look at him and his beauty is the memories we share, what a wonderful father he is, what a hard worker he is, the things he says, his brilliant mind, his humor, his attitude and his opinions.

What DO you love about him?


whats the point of  getting married. And how can you say he's a great lover when you are not physically or sexually attracted ti him.   I dont understand that.  And from what I understand you pretty much cant stand the sound of him breathing. Then you need to let this man go so some other women might get lucky enough to meet him. I understand every one needs to feel wanted. But what you are doing is wrong. Get a place of your own and get a pet. All they need is a little attention, food and water. They dont care that you think they are ugly.
 
April 25, 2008, 2:32 pm CDT

do something good for yourself

Quote From: mmcgrotha06

ok where did it go? My sex drive....I cant find it any where....39 yrs old married 1 1/2 yrs living together 5 1/2.I can remember when he could wake me up in the morning and well you know. During the day I would pace the floors waiting for him to come home and we could start over. This went on for 2 yrs. The only breaks we got was during my time of the month. Now....Well lets see...we didnt even make love the day or night we got married. I was sick with the flu. I was in bed while my new husband was watching TV, and making me dinner.Its was 22 days later. And theres only been 3 other times since then.This is driving me crazy.When the mood does hit me, dont let me sneeze because its gone.And I cant get it back.My husband is 10 yrs younger than me and that scares me. He says he would never step out on me and I really do believe him. And trust him. I just know he has to be fustrated. I am......And he has made comments like "something has to give'" what does that mean. Please dont make me go there. That place where you wonder if he his doing something. And could I blame him? Could I understand and forgive. what do you do?See, just thinking about it hurts. I have to find my drive. It has to be here some where. It cant be gone forever. I really enjoyed what my man did for me. never a complaint and never a moment when you go is that all. No, I get a taste of the highest form of bliss and then its gone. I'm going to stop whinning now and just hope for the best

Just sitting back and hoping for he best is not the way to handle an issue, that is having such an impact on your life. Go to your doctor and get a full check up and tel your doc what is happening to you in regards to your sex drive. It could be a really simple fix or it could be a indicator of something else health wise, either way better safe than sorry.

there is a lot of diferent reasons why your sex drive has plumented into oblivion, find you what your reason is, if i was you i would start with a chck up and talk with my doctor.

I wish you much success if finding the solution to your problem.

Tammy

 

 

 
April 28, 2008, 8:03 am CDT

I understand....

Quote From: mmcgrotha06

whats the point of  getting married. And how can you say he's a great lover when you are not physically or sexually attracted ti him.   I dont understand that.  And from what I understand you pretty much cant stand the sound of him breathing. Then you need to let this man go so some other women might get lucky enough to meet him. I understand every one needs to feel wanted. But what you are doing is wrong. Get a place of your own and get a pet. All they need is a little attention, food and water. They dont care that you think they are ugly.
I understand that you're having problems of your own, but your post is just bitter and mean. If you don't have anything helpful to offer, please don't bother posting. This is supposed to be an open, supportive environment.
 
April 28, 2008, 10:00 am CDT

The man can't bring his woman to orgasm!

I do not believe it is always the woman's fault that she cannot achieve orgasm with a partner.  In my case, the problem is my husband.  I've been with my husband for 12 years.  He has NEVER given me an orgasm. The problem is NOT with me.  I can have multiple orgasms, and have never had any sexual problems with prior sexual partners.  I still have multiple orgasms, using my vibrator.  I usually reach my initial orgasm this way in less than 3 minutes.  I love sex and wouldn't mind doing it 3 times a day, if my husband wasn't such a failure at it.  I have a very healthy sex drive.  My husband can get me almost to an orgasm, then he has an orgasm and it's over.  He never tries more than once a day.  I hate having sex with him so much, that we only do it once or twice a month now.  I feel like I will have to divorce him, and be with someone else, if I ever want to have someone who will go the extra few seconds to get me to orgasm.  What is his problem?
 
April 30, 2008, 10:22 am CDT

sex

Quote From: abc70726

I do not believe it is always the woman's fault that she cannot achieve orgasm with a partner.  In my case, the problem is my husband.  I've been with my husband for 12 years.  He has NEVER given me an orgasm. The problem is NOT with me.  I can have multiple orgasms, and have never had any sexual problems with prior sexual partners.  I still have multiple orgasms, using my vibrator.  I usually reach my initial orgasm this way in less than 3 minutes.  I love sex and wouldn't mind doing it 3 times a day, if my husband wasn't such a failure at it.  I have a very healthy sex drive.  My husband can get me almost to an orgasm, then he has an orgasm and it's over.  He never tries more than once a day.  I hate having sex with him so much, that we only do it once or twice a month now.  I feel like I will have to divorce him, and be with someone else, if I ever want to have someone who will go the extra few seconds to get me to orgasm.  What is his problem?

Perhaps you and hubby need to spend more time on foreplay...let him use the vibrator on you...it will probably really turn him on...as well as you...and manual stimulation...something to be said for that...teach him what you want...he can't read your mind...keep the romance in it...if it's all about the orgasm, you are missing the point...there is much more to it than the sex act itself...there's the romantic banter...the kissing and caressing...the foreplay...I usually have an orgasm pretty quickly when my husband uses his fingers on my hot spots...if it was up to the sex act alone, I probably wouldn't climax...it's just too short.

 

We have been married for 27 years, and believe me, it's not all about the sex...we are best friends too...we love spending time together.

 
May 1, 2008, 11:51 am CDT

Sex and loveless marriage

I've been married for just over 1 year now. And pretty much ever since the honeymoon was over, so was our marriage!

 

We rarely have sex. It can be 3 months before something will happen and when it does, it's for HIS pleasure only. 2 min max. No consideration for me whatsoever. It's not like I've not tired to turn him on, but he looks at me like I'm an idiot. We finally got a "reason" for his no-sex-drive - very low testosterone levels. So 9 months ago, my husband started hormone treatment (which consists of a testoterone shot every 2 weeks). Doctor said it would take a good 6 months for his hormones to level out.

 

Alot of damage has been done already. It's been 9 months, and still the sex is pretty much void. I've given up on trying, I'm so tired of being turned down. My self-esteem has gone out the window. I've talked to my husband mulitple times about my concerns and wishes. He says he'll work harder. He never does. The last time I heard "I love you" was about 3 months ago when I talked to him yet again... and he said "I know I don't tell you how much I really do love you enough.... I'll try to let you know more". Still nothing. I've told him that I'm willing to work with this hormone therapy, but I've gotta have something else to fill it's place, like love notes, flowers, a hug, kisses, cuddling... something! But, still, yet, I have received nothing.

 

I try to be loving and cheerful. I Work part time at our family run Heating & A/C business. I do the office work, while my husband does the service. We live in a very small town, so my husband really isn't extremely busy. He spends most of his time at home on the computer. If it's not the computer, he's watching tv. I consider him lazy and selfish. Meanwhile, I do all laundry, dishes, cleaning, shopping, and other things to keep the house in order.

 

I have a 8 year old son that I had from a previous relationship. My husband pays no attention to him either. My son is very respectful of my husband, obeys and pretty much stays out of his way (kinda like walking on egg shells around him). It hurts me to see this neglect so vivid. It's one thing me, but my son... that really hurts. Mostly when he really is such a loving boy!

 

I've just come to a place where I have given myself dry. I've tried to be patient with my husband, but when I get NOTHING in return (minus a warm home, clothes, and food) I find myself becoming very angry with him. I've come to a point where every thing that I used to love about him, annoys me. I can't stand to look at him, or even lay in bed next to him. I'm dead inside. I can't see myself going on like this for much longer. I am tired of talking cause nothing changes. I've shown him some good avenues (Keys to Loving Relationships by Gary Smalley videos) that could REALLY help our marriage. I've watched some of them and really enjoy his down-to-earth approach. However, when ever I have mentioned taking some time to watch a video, or do the workbook... he whines. I finally set them aside and said that whe HE was ready to work on our relationship... we would be waiting. I don't want to force him to want to help our marriage. It won't work.

 

I can easily say I've lost that "loving feeling". I feel nothing but resentment towards him now. I don't love him. Yet all of this still makes me cry. I don't understand how someone can be so cold. I've been so good to him! I don't whine and bitch, I don't nag. But when I do tell him how I feel he gets defensive or just says what I want to hear to shut me up.

 

So, I've come to a point where I don't know what else to do besides move out until he's ready to work on our marriage. I really seriously don't want to get a divorce cause I know I married him for a good reason! I'm just so sick of empty promises. But maybe I'm missing something! Maybe he REALLY doesn't know how to love? But I don't understand why he wouldn't want to want to learn! What do you think?

 

Oh, I must mention, my husband is on anti-depressants also since he had some sort of anxiety attack several years ago. He's only 36. I am 28. We live in a small town and are about 1.5 hours from a good marriage counselor - that is why I chose those trusted videos/workbook.

 

Please, I know there are always 2 sides to every story, and I wish I knew his side - Trust me I've asked! So... just from what I've told you... what are your thoughts? I love him, but I'm not in love anymore.

 
May 1, 2008, 1:53 pm CDT

sexless marriage

Quote From: innerbeauty28

I've been married for just over 1 year now. And pretty much ever since the honeymoon was over, so was our marriage!

 

We rarely have sex. It can be 3 months before something will happen and when it does, it's for HIS pleasure only. 2 min max. No consideration for me whatsoever. It's not like I've not tired to turn him on, but he looks at me like I'm an idiot. We finally got a "reason" for his no-sex-drive - very low testosterone levels. So 9 months ago, my husband started hormone treatment (which consists of a testoterone shot every 2 weeks). Doctor said it would take a good 6 months for his hormones to level out.

 

Alot of damage has been done already. It's been 9 months, and still the sex is pretty much void. I've given up on trying, I'm so tired of being turned down. My self-esteem has gone out the window. I've talked to my husband mulitple times about my concerns and wishes. He says he'll work harder. He never does. The last time I heard "I love you" was about 3 months ago when I talked to him yet again... and he said "I know I don't tell you how much I really do love you enough.... I'll try to let you know more". Still nothing. I've told him that I'm willing to work with this hormone therapy, but I've gotta have something else to fill it's place, like love notes, flowers, a hug, kisses, cuddling... something! But, still, yet, I have received nothing.

 

I try to be loving and cheerful. I Work part time at our family run Heating & A/C business. I do the office work, while my husband does the service. We live in a very small town, so my husband really isn't extremely busy. He spends most of his time at home on the computer. If it's not the computer, he's watching tv. I consider him lazy and selfish. Meanwhile, I do all laundry, dishes, cleaning, shopping, and other things to keep the house in order.

 

I have a 8 year old son that I had from a previous relationship. My husband pays no attention to him either. My son is very respectful of my husband, obeys and pretty much stays out of his way (kinda like walking on egg shells around him). It hurts me to see this neglect so vivid. It's one thing me, but my son... that really hurts. Mostly when he really is such a loving boy!

 

I've just come to a place where I have given myself dry. I've tried to be patient with my husband, but when I get NOTHING in return (minus a warm home, clothes, and food) I find myself becoming very angry with him. I've come to a point where every thing that I used to love about him, annoys me. I can't stand to look at him, or even lay in bed next to him. I'm dead inside. I can't see myself going on like this for much longer. I am tired of talking cause nothing changes. I've shown him some good avenues (Keys to Loving Relationships by Gary Smalley videos) that could REALLY help our marriage. I've watched some of them and really enjoy his down-to-earth approach. However, when ever I have mentioned taking some time to watch a video, or do the workbook... he whines. I finally set them aside and said that whe HE was ready to work on our relationship... we would be waiting. I don't want to force him to want to help our marriage. It won't work.

 

I can easily say I've lost that "loving feeling". I feel nothing but resentment towards him now. I don't love him. Yet all of this still makes me cry. I don't understand how someone can be so cold. I've been so good to him! I don't whine and bitch, I don't nag. But when I do tell him how I feel he gets defensive or just says what I want to hear to shut me up.

 

So, I've come to a point where I don't know what else to do besides move out until he's ready to work on our marriage. I really seriously don't want to get a divorce cause I know I married him for a good reason! I'm just so sick of empty promises. But maybe I'm missing something! Maybe he REALLY doesn't know how to love? But I don't understand why he wouldn't want to want to learn! What do you think?

 

Oh, I must mention, my husband is on anti-depressants also since he had some sort of anxiety attack several years ago. He's only 36. I am 28. We live in a small town and are about 1.5 hours from a good marriage counselor - that is why I chose those trusted videos/workbook.

 

Please, I know there are always 2 sides to every story, and I wish I knew his side - Trust me I've asked! So... just from what I've told you... what are your thoughts? I love him, but I'm not in love anymore.

What antidepressant is your husband taking??  All of the SSRIs (Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, etc.) kill sex drive, and hamper a man's ability to climax, and sometimes to have an erection.  If the med is affecting him in this way, he should definitely discuss it with his doctor.  There are a lot of anitdepressants out there that DON'T have that side effect. Do some research online and see what you find out.  Wellbutrin does NOT have the above-mentioned side effect.  I'm NOT a doctor, nor am I an expert...just know from experience about these particular meds.

 

I don't know a whole lot about testosterone replacement therapy...do they do periodic blood levels to make sure that he is getting enough?

 

And that #$%&*### computer...we set limits for the kids...maybe husbands should  be put to a timer too...LOL  Maybe you should shut off the main breaker and put a lock on the circuit box...LOL

 

It sounds like you are doing a lot on your side...your husband needs to do his part...as far as your son, your husband married you, and by doing that, he agreed to be the boy's father...he needs to act the part...would your husband and son be interested in joining some kind of activity together?  Scouts...sports...etc...Your son needs a father figure, and he needs him to be a positive role model.

 

I would highly recommend counseling...even if you have to drive a long way to get it...if he won't go, then see a counselor alone...you can at least get some insight on yourself...and how to deal with him...obviously what you are doing isn't working, because you're here....And while videos and books are helpful, they don't give you the personal feedback that you would get from a counselor.

 

We've been married for 27 years...I've had individual counseling in the past, and so has my husband...and we've attended counseling sessions together...all of it has taught us to effectively communicate with each other......it isn't the sex keeping us together...it's the togetherness...we are each other's best friends...communication...If I want my husband off the computer, I say so...nicely...I invite him to come watch TV with me...

 

If you are always angry with him, it is pretty hard for either one of you to "get in the mood"...depression itself is a sex drive killer...rather than telling your husband what YOU want, ask some questions...find out about HIS feelings...

 

Our sex life is far from perfect,  but we're happy in spite of it...you're too young to be going without sex...get some outside help...

 

Dr. Phil did a program recently about a man's low sex drive...also testosterone related...look it up on his "past shows" section...read the transcript, and visit the message board...I can't remember which month is was shown...look around, you'll find it...it might help to know that you are not alone.

 

You're too young to be going without sex in your marriage...

 
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