Topic : Sex

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?


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March 18, 2008, 5:11 pm PDT

Sex

Quote From: tailspin

Hi, this is my first time posting. I'm at my wits end and am sooooo tired. I've been married to my wife for  23 years. We haven't had sex in over 5 years and only twice since 2001. We spent a year in counseling spending over $3,000.00 to be told by the counselor that basically my wife had no desire to change and directed us elsewhere. The straw that broke the camels back was after I found out that I had Parkinson's disease my wife told me that she never really loved me nor ever found me sexually attractive. I asked her why she married me and her comment was that I looked like I would make a good father. She informed me that getting sick was not what she bargained for. We didn't start counseling until a year later because a friend of hers at church said that it wouldn't be good for her to go at the time. I finally told her that she and I needed to go to counseling or we were getting a divorce. My wife is very involved in the church so her image would be ruined if she got divorce; especially since she was married once before so we started counseling.

 

In counseling several issues were brought up that I just lived with over the last 23 years. the major items were: 1) A week after we got engaged she made a comment in front of all of her friends that she thought she was pregnant with her old boy friends baby. she ended up not being pregnant after all, but covered her tracks after all by having sex with me prior to or wedding.  My wife's comment in counseling was, "If you say it was true I guess it must have been." 2) Two months after being married I asked her if she was still in love with her old boy friend. She said, "Yes I am and alway will be and there's nothing you can do about it. I feel that he was the one God really wanted me to marry." 3) A few years later in flight school I was stuck in the barracks going through a phase of training. Where my wife worked she won 2 free tickets to a concert. She told me that her and a girl that she worked with was going to go, but after the concert was over my wife informed me that her girl friend couldn't go so her friends boy friend went with her instead. Later on after he was stationed overseas my wife got a letter from him telling her that he missed her and all of the times they spent together. My wife freaked out when she caught me reading the letter and made a big seen about me reading her mail. She never explained what was meant in the letter. In counseling she told me that they smoked a pack of cigarettes together at the concert and that was it. and 4) She informed the counselor that she never had any desires to have sex with me period.

 

A short time later tensions rose and words were said so I found myself seeking advise from our prepaid legal lawyer. They refered me to another law office stating there was a conflict of interest and they refused to explain why. That made tensions even worse and more word were said. I called back the legal office and asked them why they had a conflict of interest and they finally informed me that it was because my wife had established our account with them. That sounded strange but I lived with the explanation. Shortly after that our pastor had a talk with us and we decided to try and make it work. This infuriated my wife because sense the pastor talked to us what would the rest of the church think of her. Of course nothing was ever said to any body.

 

A week later my wife and a new girl friend of hers who went through something similar to ours sat me down and talked to me. My wife's friend told me her story; then they both had an epiphany about what was wrong. They determined that my wife married me as a rebound from a bad relationship (Of course her friend doesn't know about the pregnancy story.) She also felt pressured to marry me because her parents "love" me more that her old boy friend. She informed me that she never liked me as a friend or any thing else, but she "loved me" in churchy sense of love.  She wanted to work on the marriage so we had to start dating again. I was ok with this. They then went on to add the rest of the stipulations/rules. I am not allowed to hold her hand nor touch her, kiss her, tell her I love her, or set next to her until she first does it to me or gives me permission too. I'm not allowed to ask her how things are going or tell her how I feel toward her. She is the one who will inform me. However, I'm suppose to be the spiritual leader in the house hold. It's been 5 month's sense the rules have been put in place and I am clueless as to wear I stand. She is happy as a bug out of water sense all intimacy has been stopped. Any feeling for her I had has all faded away and to me she is just a roommate. We have 2 children 15 and 18 and I hug and kiss them everyday making sure they know how much I love them.

 

Sorry it is so long and I know it sounds pathetic as a man to bring this up but I could use some support or suggestions Thank you. 

 

What I am going to say isn't really helpful...but your wife is a jerk and you should divorce her and have some semblance of happiness for the remainder of the rest of your life. LET her be humiliated...that would be GOOD for her.

 
 
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March 18, 2008, 8:50 pm PDT

Sex

Quote From: rainpainrain

What I am going to say isn't really helpful...but your wife is a jerk and you should divorce her and have some semblance of happiness for the remainder of the rest of your life. LET her be humiliated...that would be GOOD for her.

 
"...for the remainder of the rest of your life."

Sorry for the redundancy.
 
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March 19, 2008, 10:21 pm PDT

Frustrating

Hello. So my name is Kendra, I'm 19 and my husband is 22 we have three beautiful daughters together 4 months, 2 and 3. I have a huge issue with things between us. First off, I can't stand my mother in law, I also can't stand the fact that when she is rude to me or our children he does absolutely nothing to stand up for his family or wife. I think that is SO wrong! Also he is very lazy when it comes to helping out with our children and around our house. He was raised with the mentality that when a husband works and a wife stays at home that all of the responsibilities of a family are on the wife. I also strongly disagree with him on that subject. I  have tried many many many times to talk to him about all of these things that are bugging me but he NEVER  has anything to say. I never get any reaction out of him. We've tried counseling...that didn't help at all. I've even gone as far as packing up the car and leaving...still nothing he didn't even get his butt up off the couch to try to stop me from walking out.. Then there's the issue of porn...ugh! I didn't know before we were married that he even was interested in that.  It probably wouldn't be such a huge issue if I had known before we got married that he liked it. I've tried to watch porn with him to see if maybe I'd be more comfortable with it...No. and now just within the past few weeks I have found out more things that I am not so happy about. I also found e-mails between him and his ex girlfriend and her family saying that although he doesn't miss her he does miss her family. Very weird that he tells them that and than says to me that he can't stand them. All of these issues have negatively affect our sex life. I just can't seem to get turned on by him...Not even when he tries to turn me on, not very often. Also, every time we do have sex he always talks about wanting anal sex...I'm not into it. Very embarrassing to admit but I tried it for him and I HATED it. I tell him this every time he brings up the topic of anal sex but he just doesn't seem to even care that it actually hurts me and I don't like it  I just feel like we have so many issues and we've only been married for six months....what's it going to be like five years from now...still me unhappy and him getting everything he wants because eventually I give into sex? I can't live like this. Sorry for venting like this.
 
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March 20, 2008, 12:17 am PDT

Sex

Quote From: kendrax3

Hello. So my name is Kendra, I'm 19 and my husband is 22 we have three beautiful daughters together 4 months, 2 and 3. I have a huge issue with things between us. First off, I can't stand my mother in law, I also can't stand the fact that when she is rude to me or our children he does absolutely nothing to stand up for his family or wife. I think that is SO wrong! Also he is very lazy when it comes to helping out with our children and around our house. He was raised with the mentality that when a husband works and a wife stays at home that all of the responsibilities of a family are on the wife. I also strongly disagree with him on that subject. I  have tried many many many times to talk to him about all of these things that are bugging me but he NEVER  has anything to say. I never get any reaction out of him. We've tried counseling...that didn't help at all. I've even gone as far as packing up the car and leaving...still nothing he didn't even get his butt up off the couch to try to stop me from walking out.. Then there's the issue of porn...ugh! I didn't know before we were married that he even was interested in that.  It probably wouldn't be such a huge issue if I had known before we got married that he liked it. I've tried to watch porn with him to see if maybe I'd be more comfortable with it...No. and now just within the past few weeks I have found out more things that I am not so happy about. I also found e-mails between him and his ex girlfriend and her family saying that although he doesn't miss her he does miss her family. Very weird that he tells them that and than says to me that he can't stand them. All of these issues have negatively affect our sex life. I just can't seem to get turned on by him...Not even when he tries to turn me on, not very often. Also, every time we do have sex he always talks about wanting anal sex...I'm not into it. Very embarrassing to admit but I tried it for him and I HATED it. I tell him this every time he brings up the topic of anal sex but he just doesn't seem to even care that it actually hurts me and I don't like it  I just feel like we have so many issues and we've only been married for six months....what's it going to be like five years from now...still me unhappy and him getting everything he wants because eventually I give into sex? I can't live like this. Sorry for venting like this.
You are only 19 and have more on your plate than most people who are much older. I have a SIL who is older than you...I couldn't imagine her dealing with all of this.

Sex is the least of your problems. You husband and you sound like you simply do not belong together. It's not surprising, people don't always make their best choices as teenagers. You made a mistake in choosing a husband. Cut your losses.

  • This guy let's his family treat you badly.
  • He does no house work.
  • No child care.
  • He works a JOB (is it much of a job? I doubt it.)
  • He is sexist.
  • He doesn't listen, won't listen.
  • Therapy has failed, probably because he won't listen to anyone but himself.
  • He doesn't care if you leave.
  • He uses porn behind your back, knowing it bothers you.
  • He lies to you about an ex-girlfriend.
  • He pesters you about sex acts you dislike.

Cut you losses, move back in with your mother if you can, and focus on THOSE LITTLE GIRLS. Give them what they NEED. Stability, happiness, security. I hate to say this, but your life isn't about you anymore. And that sucks cause you are still young.

This guy will not change...he won't. You need to move apart from being his wife and become a co-parent with him.

Don't your little girls deserve a mother who is an example of strength? Not a push over who will do anything to keep from being alone? Is this the kind of marriage you want THEM to have? Is this the kind of marriage they would want YOU to have?

Your problem isn't sex. Your ONLY problem is that you married someone you shouldn't have. Sounds to me like you have tried therapy and it didn't work. Leave, and don't do it just to get his attention. Forget him. He is clearly using you as a daycare worker, maid and prostitute. He does not value you as a person, partner or friend. Why do you want to be with someone like that?
 
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March 20, 2008, 12:18 am PDT

Sex

Quote From: kendrax3

Hello. So my name is Kendra, I'm 19 and my husband is 22 we have three beautiful daughters together 4 months, 2 and 3. I have a huge issue with things between us. First off, I can't stand my mother in law, I also can't stand the fact that when she is rude to me or our children he does absolutely nothing to stand up for his family or wife. I think that is SO wrong! Also he is very lazy when it comes to helping out with our children and around our house. He was raised with the mentality that when a husband works and a wife stays at home that all of the responsibilities of a family are on the wife. I also strongly disagree with him on that subject. I  have tried many many many times to talk to him about all of these things that are bugging me but he NEVER  has anything to say. I never get any reaction out of him. We've tried counseling...that didn't help at all. I've even gone as far as packing up the car and leaving...still nothing he didn't even get his butt up off the couch to try to stop me from walking out.. Then there's the issue of porn...ugh! I didn't know before we were married that he even was interested in that.  It probably wouldn't be such a huge issue if I had known before we got married that he liked it. I've tried to watch porn with him to see if maybe I'd be more comfortable with it...No. and now just within the past few weeks I have found out more things that I am not so happy about. I also found e-mails between him and his ex girlfriend and her family saying that although he doesn't miss her he does miss her family. Very weird that he tells them that and than says to me that he can't stand them. All of these issues have negatively affect our sex life. I just can't seem to get turned on by him...Not even when he tries to turn me on, not very often. Also, every time we do have sex he always talks about wanting anal sex...I'm not into it. Very embarrassing to admit but I tried it for him and I HATED it. I tell him this every time he brings up the topic of anal sex but he just doesn't seem to even care that it actually hurts me and I don't like it  I just feel like we have so many issues and we've only been married for six months....what's it going to be like five years from now...still me unhappy and him getting everything he wants because eventually I give into sex? I can't live like this. Sorry for venting like this.
Your profile says you are "happily married"....is that really true?
 
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March 21, 2008, 4:21 pm PDT

Is sixty five to old to have sex!

I am so sorry to hear so many women who are not getting enough sex. I thought I had problems with only getting it once a month or so. A year without sex and I think I just might die. I could have sex almost every other day if I could. The lack of sex and affection in my life causes me to drink. My husband hates my drinking and so do I. We fight about sex more than anything else. He has viagra but he seldom uses it because he is afraid of side affects. The first time he used it the next day he went to the hospital ER complaining of chest pain, he has. He is sixty five, I am 54 is that to old to have sex? I am turning into a night time drunk and sometimes I feel dirty because so many women hate it and Iove it. Is there sex after 50????And what could possibly be werong with wanting sex with the man I love. I feel he is punishing me. I get really mean when I am horny and say terrible things to him. I have even wondered if he is gay.
 
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March 22, 2008, 1:58 pm PDT

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Quote From: sewtuffinc

I am so sorry to hear so many women who are not getting enough sex. I thought I had problems with only getting it once a month or so. A year without sex and I think I just might die. I could have sex almost every other day if I could. The lack of sex and affection in my life causes me to drink. My husband hates my drinking and so do I. We fight about sex more than anything else. He has viagra but he seldom uses it because he is afraid of side affects. The first time he used it the next day he went to the hospital ER complaining of chest pain, he has. He is sixty five, I am 54 is that to old to have sex? I am turning into a night time drunk and sometimes I feel dirty because so many women hate it and Iove it. Is there sex after 50????And what could possibly be werong with wanting sex with the man I love. I feel he is punishing me. I get really mean when I am horny and say terrible things to him. I have even wondered if he is gay.
I am going to be completely honest with you.

I read two things in this post.

1-You blame your drinking on lack of sex. While the lack of sex may make you feel a certain way and you use alcohol to ease those emotions, it is not forced on you. YOU choose to drink.

2-Your husband isn't being overly paranoid. He has health issues with taking Viagra. He is probably afraid it will kill him or nearly kill him. That is legitimate.

Your need for sex is legit too. Don't get me wrong. Your husband and you will have to come up with some kind of sexual alternative, OR you will have to speak to him about finding someone else as a sex partner. Maybe you need to learn to masturbate. Or maybe he can hold you while you masturbate if it is the affection you feel is missing. Or he can use a toy on you.

Male or not, if a man feels like he is being used for sex or abused to get it then he may begin to resent affection all together. I know, I know, we are supposed to believe that all men are WILD about sex and all women are not...however, that is simply not true. Many men are very sensitive and emotional and that includes with sex.

Look at this from his point of view, it's very like that he feels you are punishing him with your drinking when you don't get sex, or that you are willing to put his health in jeopardy to get it! That isn't the kind of person you WANT to be affectionate towards or would want to make love to.


 
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March 25, 2008, 7:26 am PDT

Someone I can finally relate to

Quote From: chesney123

 hey don't get discouraged why don't you try creating a romantic evening for two whether it be a romantic dinner of his favorites or a bubble bath for two with candles and strawberries or why don't you do a striptease just for him to turn him on men are visual people he sounds like quite a man it is so awesome that he helps out i wish tell him or better show him what you want the joy of sex book may help or mabye even kama sutra if you are really feeling adventerous if you have no kids then you should be like rabbits be more spontaneous answer the door naked be his eye candy mabye he just needs more direction hope this helps sweetie hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We married on Valentines Day too, the "most romantic day of the year" Yeah Right. Before we married it was everyday ( He got satisfied, I didn't ) Now, it's not even once a month anymore. I've done all the "talking" asking him if it was me? Is there someone else? and so on. I "communicated my frustration" on how when we do have sex that I need to be included in the orgasms too, and if he gets off to quick, this is what he can do. Also the position he likes is MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TO SAY THE LEAST adding insult to injury. And if one more person tells me size doesn't matter, I'm going to scream! Here's a clue you can't use something you don't have. I've tried the "roll playing" "the romantic dinners" "talking to him without threatening his manhood" and all of the above. What kills me even more is when he makes suggestions that he's in the mood, but come bed time, the only thing he's in the mood for is sleep. Then when he can't hold out any longer, and I refuse, because I know what's coming, he gets angry, makes snide remarks, pouts like a baby and throws a tantrum like a little kid. I too struggle with the fact that beside the lack of or no intimacy at all, he's a good man, he works, I stay home, he helps with the housework even thou I insist he not because he works, does the lawn, takes the kids fishing and so on. He scores a 100 in 99% of the categories of a good husband, but I'm so lonely and frustrated. I need a husband in every sense of the word. I have been married several times and cringe at the thought of putting my children through another divorce. I've read the suggestions, been there done that, now does anyone have any suggestions on what did work?
 
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March 28, 2008, 3:21 pm PDT

bored in bed?

How in the world do you tell your husband that you are bored with sex......its the same thing every time, same foreplay, same positions, same everything........I want to try new things, and have attempted, but he is very uncomfortable and embarrassed by this. Somebody please tell me what to do.........Thanks
 
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March 28, 2008, 4:02 pm PDT

Sex

Quote From: amyd911

How in the world do you tell your husband that you are bored with sex......its the same thing every time, same foreplay, same positions, same everything........I want to try new things, and have attempted, but he is very uncomfortable and embarrassed by this. Somebody please tell me what to do.........Thanks
Sounds like he needs to be tied to the bed and  be shown how to do a few things...LMFAO!

No but seriously...I would try talking about it during a nonsexual time. Like, while watching TV or driving in the car or something. If you have a relationship that is open and honest then you should be able to have a conversation about this. But be sure he knows you are not bored with HIM, just the sex positions.

Or you could just jump him in the shower, kiss him so long and hard he can't say no!
 

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