Topic : Sex

     Someone responded to me that my husband has legitimate concerns about using Viagra to have sex.

And it makes me angry, I know he could have a heart attack but he could also get hit by a mac truck!  He only needs to use a third of a tablet once every week or two. I think the damage it has cost this relationship is more toxic and dangerous than a third of a tablet of Viagra two or three times a month.

    

     We did consult his Dr. He is healthier than I am. The damage he has done to this marriage over thirty years of either bad on no sex, has certainly been more damaging than a third of a pill once a week. I don't ask for much but I think it should be important to both of us not just to me! Sex once a week is not a lot to ask I am sorry, but I disagre with you. I could see it if he was taking an entire tablet. But he is not!  He is only pinching off it. I know because I watch his tablets very closely. I am not trying to kill him I am trying to save our marriage. Masturbation, sex toys, and other people are not options for either of us.

I've been married going on 36 years, raised a wonderful daughter with her father. For the last 10yrs there has been no sex between us. We hold hands occasionally, we kiss good-bye. Sex was something he just lost interest in. We're 53 now, and I see no reason for it now. We tried to get therapy once and he wouldn't open up, so that was a lost cause. I now find other things to occupy my mind. I don't have to worry about how soft my skin feels if I'm tired. I don't have to feel bad if I wear sweats to bed if it gets cold. If I eat too much before bedtime, I don't have to worry about holding in my stomach. There are many good reasons not to have sex when you get to our age. I don't have to worry if I'm desirable, which seems to cause a lot of stress. He cares about helping disabled neighbors, his mother, family. So I know he is a good person. I've wondered too if he wasn't gay. I don't pin so much on sex. I think of him as disabled, and maybe he is. So move on, love him as you would your best friend. Excuse this one flaw. Sex isn't all its cracked up to be anyway unless you're trying for babies. It's a lot of work to keep it FRESH. Ask anyone.

Well, sorry if I misunderstood. If he really is ok'd by a Dr to take the meds then I have no idea what to tell you.

You are against masturbation?

While that might be true for you that isn't true for everyone and from everything I have ever read it's not true for MOST people.

Most people do want to have a sex life, and being in your 50's isn't as old as you are making it out to be! My goodness! I know a LOT of people in their 50's who feel sex has new meaning and freedom. They have the house to themselves again, they are past silly superficial worries that hang people up in their 20's.

No offense meant, but you have been married for 36 years and you still feel the need to suck in your gut or having perfectly soft skin? I have been married just under 9 years and I am past that...our sex life has evolved past those things and it's more about connecting our bodies and experiencing a physical culmination of joy. And we do that when I have hairy legs sometimes! LOL

It's not right to belittle sex just because you don't enjoy it. And for goodness sakes! You are only 53! Not 89!!!!

I have just joined and have read so many posts by others on the sexless marriage.  I have been married almost two years now and this is my second husband.  I have one adopted son, one son from my previous husband and one son with my current husband.  Divorce is not an option for me because I love my husband with all my heart.  He is in every way the perfect guy.  Except of course in the bedroom.  I have examined our relationship and have even approached him with suggestions and they have all worked........each for about three months.  However none of them changed the number of times we have sex.   So far this year we have had sex twice.  I have tried every thing except therapy only because the closest therapist is over four hours away and that is not feasible with jobs and kids and gas prices.  This message board is my last hope.  Like so many of you, I too am the one you initiates the sex.  My husbands head hits the pillow and he is out like a light.  And on the rare occasion he doesn't fall asleep right away it's like his man land is not connected to his brain.  Crude, but I can play with him for 15 to 20 minutes and I give up because I get physically tired of trying.  This is how it has been for the last 13 months and I honestly think I'm slowing slipping into some type of depression.  I remind myself on a daily basis to live each day for my kids and try to remind myself to do something nice for me too.  But I can only do so much to my hair, I have to many shoes and purses and makeup has become more like work.  This may sound wrong but  do find some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my situation but what makes this whole problem the worst is that I can be sitting right next to my husband in the comforts of our own home and feel so utterly alone.  That is the most crushing to me.  So if anyone out there has found little things that work or anything that works please respond.

The closest therapist to you is 4 hours away? Where do you live?

The problem with your question is that you are making this your problem to fix. It's not your problem, it's his.

You should see if this therapist that is 4 hours away can do conference calls with the two of you.

But you aren't the one who has a problem, it's your husband.

Oh no, I would not belittle sex. I always loved it when we did have it. I just meant that if you love someone and they can't perform as you would have them, why push?For some people it doesn't hold the spiritual meaning of freedom, or physical joy. 

Some people can never get over the superficial worries of their bodies. With the media pounding on us day after day, to look a certain way, it  makes it incredibly hard to.  At 53, unless you go into debt, you certainly can't change your body either, unless you have a huge amount of disposable income. 

But truthfully, I believe neither of us were physically ever really attracted to each other anyway. I think it was our minds and ideas that attracted us to each other. He has always been attracted physically to darker skinned women as sexual. I don't fit the profile. We are of white european descent.  His parents are German and after the children were  born they stopped having sex as they were Catholic as well. When the children left home they didn't even share the same bedroom. I'm sure that has something to do with his ideas. My mother and father were lovers until my father passed away.

Anyway, I'm happy for those people who still connect on a sexual level, I just think at my age I'm not very sexually desirable.

I understand what you are saying...I just really dislike the idea of people being complacent with unhappiness....makes me really sad.

I truly can appreciate where you are coming from. My husband and I have a great deal of intimacy in our conversations. We are driven by intellect together more than sexuality.

But if you are truly happy then I am not going to condescend to you by saying "I'm sorry for you." because that is just insulting! LOL

Honestly, if you are happy, then that is all that matters to me! I just like to speak up if I see someone unhappy. Life is too short...

I live in a very remote rural area surrounded by farmers so must of my fustration is taken out by running through corn fields.  It works sometimes...LOL   Let me explain a little better....the last time both my husband and I went to our Dr. and I brought up the fact that our love life isn't going anywhere and our Dr. suggested he take the little bule pill but that is the farthest thing from his problem, it's just has a mind of it's own but his is usually sleeping.  So the Dr. suggested that he may be sleep deprived or chemical imbalance.  So when my husband saw the Dr next, the Dr. explained my comcerns and blood work was drawn and well we went through the process to find that he is just fine.  Of course after that  I felt like a nypho but o well.  Last night I did feel confident especially after getting this off my chest at this message board, so I took a shower after dinner, fixed up my hair, put on light make-up and proceded to try and woo my husband.  At last to no avail.  The therapist doesn't do conference calls because of the HIPPA law, believe me I've asked.  I understand your advice that this is his problem and not mine, but after what seems like constant rejection I am at a loss when it comes to what I do next.  Other than voicing my concerns, trying to set romantic encounters and letting him get all the sleep he may need, I feel like I have tried it all.  Thank you though for responding, it is greatly appreciated.