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Topic : Sex

Number of Replies: 1104
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

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May 1, 2008, 4:31 pm CDT

To the Board Moderators

In my last post here, I mentioned a recent show, where a couple was having problems in the bedroom because the husband was  having testosterone troubles...what was the date of that show?
 
May 5, 2008, 7:47 pm CDT

No Romance

I have been married to my 3rd husband now five years and I am getting the exact same thing from him that I got from the last two.  When it comes to sex I get the, "Let's &^%$ tonight".  What is with this?  Is there no romance in a marriage after the first few years?  Has it all come down to the man's pleasure and what he can get?  What happened to pleasing your lady?  You don't know how much this turns me off when he says this to me.  I think, oh here we go again, on again off again and its over.  This has happened with all my husbands.  Is it something I am doing or something I am not doing?  Or are all guys this way?  Help in Nevada before my vibrator becomes my best friend in bed.

 
May 6, 2008, 12:38 am CDT

programmed from birth

Quote From: cwizzy51

I have been married to my 3rd husband now five years and I am getting the exact same thing from him that I got from the last two.  When it comes to sex I get the, "Let's &%$ tonight".  What is with this?  Is there no romance in a marriage after the first few years?  Has it all come down to the man's pleasure and what he can get?  What happened to pleasing your lady?  You don't know how much this turns me off when he says this to me.  I think, oh here we go again, on again off again and its over.  This has happened with all my husbands.  Is it something I am doing or something I am not doing?  Or are all guys this way?  Help in Nevada before my vibrator becomes my best friend in bed.

I'm also in my third marriage and all mine said some of the same things......I think they are programmed from birth to think this way. But when you put it to them like that they want to know whats wrong or whats got into you.....Have you told him this turns you off? Hell turn the tables on him. Tell him you want some non-meaning less sex and see what he says. I did this with my 2nd husband. He didnt know what to think. All I heard was what you dont wanna make love anymore. Boy they cant stand it when you treat them the way they treat you.Eats at them

 
May 6, 2008, 10:40 am CDT

Sex

Quote From: mmcgrotha06

I'm also in my third marriage and all mine said some of the same things......I think they are programmed from birth to think this way. But when you put it to them like that they want to know whats wrong or whats got into you.....Have you told him this turns you off? Hell turn the tables on him. Tell him you want some non-meaning less sex and see what he says. I did this with my 2nd husband. He didnt know what to think. All I heard was what you dont wanna make love anymore. Boy they cant stand it when you treat them the way they treat you.Eats at them

I am so glad it's not just me.  Hmmm you do have a plan there, when he comes back into town I think I will approach him that way right off the bat when he's in the mood after 3 months of being away.  Oh did I mention too that my husband is 17 years my junior.  I am 56 and he is turning 40.  I wonder if it has something to do with immaturity?  Or is it just a man thing.
 
May 6, 2008, 9:54 pm CDT

am numb...

Hi, I've been married for four years, have two kids - one aged 2 and a five month old, and am extremely frustrated with life in the bedroom. I am numb when it comes to sex, and I just do what I'm suppossed to but hate every moment of it. The only aspect of it that I can enjoy is that my husband spends time with me, but afterwoods I feel so resentful, and angry, and depressed.

Oh i forgot to mention that I was sexually abused by a few people in my childhood (some of it wasn't too bad, and some of it i don't remember very clearly),  and that my marriage was kind of arranged (we didn't date, or spend much time together before marriage but i did get to choose whether or not i'd marry him) and my husband was the first man i had sex with willingly, and i don't know how much that has an affect on my life in the bedroom, but I just feel like a prostitute when I do it with my husband and i dread it so much.

you are probably wondering why i got married in the first place, but its because i didn't know what else to do, i thought everyone had to get married and that women shouldn't stay single - now i know that its ok for a woman to stay single if she wants. i also believed due to my upbringing that dating is wrong. oh and i was 18 when i got married and there is 10 years difference between us ( i was like he's so mature)... and i was so happy at the time because i didn't think anyone would want to marry me after what had happened to me in my childhood.

I want to leave my husband because I don't want to have sex, and obviously he does want to have sex. I love my husband, but I just don't want to be near him in that way

I get these feelings that my husband is like my dad, and like my uncle ( horrilble feelings - i mean i feel like i am being forced by them which is crazy considering i'm with my husband and not them), and well my hubby's physique is similar to my dad I guess, but i block out those thoughts and say, "don't be stupid, he's your husband, so get over it". sometimes i feel like i am a little girl again, but i am numb the whole time, so it doesn't really matter how i feel does it? i just try to act like i'm having a good time so he won't be angry with me, and so that it doesn't have to go on any longer than it has to. I have told my hubby that i find it difficult to do it with him, but he doesn't understand, he thinks i should be able to just get over it, but i can't, and i don't know how to make myself like it.

i feel the physical pleasure from doing it, but i hate it, isn't that stupid? and although i feel physical pleasure, i don't feel happy about it, but instead i feel very angry with the whole process, and the physical pleasure is meaningless to me really... i don't know why i hate it so much, i know other people enjoy it, but I don't understand how other people can enjoy it, and have asked my husband if we could be husband and wife without all that stuff, but he says no way and looks at me as though i'm mad... I feel like someone who when told the joke misses the whole point, and doesn't really understand the punchline - guess the only thing i can see sex as being good for is for breeding - which by the way i love kids, as you can see i have two already (and have lots of brothers and sisters so you can see where i got the love for children from lol)

anyway, sorry for boring you all, and none of you probably want to know my problems, i just wish i could solve this problem...

shellygins

 
May 7, 2008, 11:02 am CDT

past sexual abuse

Quote From: shellygins

Hi, I've been married for four years, have two kids - one aged 2 and a five month old, and am extremely frustrated with life in the bedroom. I am numb when it comes to sex, and I just do what I'm suppossed to but hate every moment of it. The only aspect of it that I can enjoy is that my husband spends time with me, but afterwoods I feel so resentful, and angry, and depressed.

Oh i forgot to mention that I was sexually abused by a few people in my childhood (some of it wasn't too bad, and some of it i don't remember very clearly),  and that my marriage was kind of arranged (we didn't date, or spend much time together before marriage but i did get to choose whether or not i'd marry him) and my husband was the first man i had sex with willingly, and i don't know how much that has an affect on my life in the bedroom, but I just feel like a prostitute when I do it with my husband and i dread it so much.

you are probably wondering why i got married in the first place, but its because i didn't know what else to do, i thought everyone had to get married and that women shouldn't stay single - now i know that its ok for a woman to stay single if she wants. i also believed due to my upbringing that dating is wrong. oh and i was 18 when i got married and there is 10 years difference between us ( i was like he's so mature)... and i was so happy at the time because i didn't think anyone would want to marry me after what had happened to me in my childhood.

I want to leave my husband because I don't want to have sex, and obviously he does want to have sex. I love my husband, but I just don't want to be near him in that way

I get these feelings that my husband is like my dad, and like my uncle ( horrilble feelings - i mean i feel like i am being forced by them which is crazy considering i'm with my husband and not them), and well my hubby's physique is similar to my dad I guess, but i block out those thoughts and say, "don't be stupid, he's your husband, so get over it". sometimes i feel like i am a little girl again, but i am numb the whole time, so it doesn't really matter how i feel does it? i just try to act like i'm having a good time so he won't be angry with me, and so that it doesn't have to go on any longer than it has to. I have told my hubby that i find it difficult to do it with him, but he doesn't understand, he thinks i should be able to just get over it, but i can't, and i don't know how to make myself like it.

i feel the physical pleasure from doing it, but i hate it, isn't that stupid? and although i feel physical pleasure, i don't feel happy about it, but instead i feel very angry with the whole process, and the physical pleasure is meaningless to me really... i don't know why i hate it so much, i know other people enjoy it, but I don't understand how other people can enjoy it, and have asked my husband if we could be husband and wife without all that stuff, but he says no way and looks at me as though i'm mad... I feel like someone who when told the joke misses the whole point, and doesn't really understand the punchline - guess the only thing i can see sex as being good for is for breeding - which by the way i love kids, as you can see i have two already (and have lots of brothers and sisters so you can see where i got the love for children from lol)

anyway, sorry for boring you all, and none of you probably want to know my problems, i just wish i could solve this problem...

shellygins

I, too, am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse...it certainly is the abuse affecting every aspect of your attitude toward sex as an adult...

 

I would suggest counseling, so you can put your past behind you, and live in the present...you are bringing the past into the bedroom with you.  Because you were abused as a child, it is natural to feel "used" when you have sex with your husband...you learned from an early age that people just want to "take" from you...but you CAN recover and have a normal sex life...and it doesn't have to cost you your marriage.

 

Does your husband know about the abuse?  If not, you should have a talk with him, and tell him what happened...this could be done with the help of a counselor, if you don't feel comfortable doing it by yourself.

 

There is a book called "Love Is A Choice", for women survivors of sexual abuse...be a survivor...dont' allow yourself to continue to be a "victim", constantly feeling used and angry...healing is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight...there is a companion book to the book I mentioned above...it is for your husband to read...all about how a spouse should respond to your feelings and attitudes...I can't remember the name of it offhand, but both books were very helpful to both me and my husband...I married at age 19, and we have been married for 27 years. 

 

I've been through years of counseling...it was really helpful in my own healing process...

 
May 8, 2008, 1:08 am CDT

reply to imustbecrazy's reply

thankyou imustbecrazy for your reply, i really have to get my hands on those books you mentioned. and yes i have told my husband about the things that happened. told him before we got married as i didn't want to marry someone who might reject me afterwards if they knew. he knows and he definitely doesn't understand - he asked me on our wedding night when we were finally alone if i enjoyed being raped by my uncle... so you can see he abosolutely has no comprehension of the pain of being used by those who were supposed to love you. i have tried to explain to him how it  affects me but he doesn't get it, he thinks women and girls enjoy being forced, but he is a good man, he just doesn't understand. i don't know why he thinks this but it is just the way it is.

anyway, thank you so much for replying, i thought i must be crazy to be feeling this way, and yes i will try to track down those books, as i do want to solve this problem,

again thank you,

 

shellygins

 
May 8, 2008, 1:59 pm CDT

surviving childhood sexual abuse

Quote From: shellygins

thankyou imustbecrazy for your reply, i really have to get my hands on those books you mentioned. and yes i have told my husband about the things that happened. told him before we got married as i didn't want to marry someone who might reject me afterwards if they knew. he knows and he definitely doesn't understand - he asked me on our wedding night when we were finally alone if i enjoyed being raped by my uncle... so you can see he abosolutely has no comprehension of the pain of being used by those who were supposed to love you. i have tried to explain to him how it  affects me but he doesn't get it, he thinks women and girls enjoy being forced, but he is a good man, he just doesn't understand. i don't know why he thinks this but it is just the way it is.

anyway, thank you so much for replying, i thought i must be crazy to be feeling this way, and yes i will try to track down those books, as i do want to solve this problem,

again thank you,

 

shellygins

I told my husband before we got married about the abuse, but he, too, failed to recognize the damage that it did...as did I, until I was about 30.  As young as you are, to be recognizing the problem is more than half the battle...and it is a battle...with yourself...your ingrained attitudes...I think it is hard for a man to understand that a girl/woman would NOT enjoy sex, in whatever form it comes...sex means something completely different to women than it does to a man...

 

To a woman, sex is an expression of love...sharing of oneself...a time to be intimate and share private moments with the man that she loves...To a man, it is a physical "need"...their brains are controlled by what's behind their zipper...that's not to say that a man doesn't express love through sex...but I don't think they take it as personally as women do...it's all about physical stimulation...not about the brain...so it would be hard for a man to understand why a woman wouldn't enjoy it "however it comes"...because they are wired so differently than women are...

 

Husbands need to be "trained" to please their wives...to see the value in intimacy in addition to the sexual act itself...

 

If you look at the statistics, the majority of rapists are MEN...the majority of sexual abusers are MEN...why is that??   And, little girls...little kids in general are the most vulnerable to the abuse...in many cases, it happens before the child has the ability to understand what is happening to them, before the child has a voice of her own...while the child's mind can be manipulated to believe what the abuser is telling them...

 

And, psych wards are full of sexual abuse victims...and it is the job of the mental health professionals to turn those victims into SURVIVORS...it took several years of counseling for me to accomplish that feat...to become a survivor, no longer a victim...to stop letting people walk all over me...no longer will I stand by and let things happen to me...I make my own decisions about how to feel and react...I will no longer let the past shape my attitudes today...I am valuable...I was wonderfully made...I can shake the guilt...

 

I think that the guilt is the biggest issue...I had the attitude that "I let this happen to me"...and I think that's how outsiders look at it too...but it's not that simple...If I could have just yelled "NO", do you think those things would have happened to me?? Probably...abusers some how exercise psychological control over the ones they are abusing...the child can't control their situation...they are trapped...outsiders just can't understand...

 

You're definitely NOT crazy for having the feelings that you have...and your husband needs some education to come around to the right way of thinking...to understand that you were NOT a willing participant in what happened...

 

And the guilt over the physical pleasure that you might have felt...that's part of the control that the abuser has...it doesn't mean that you "enjoyed" being abused...

 

I could go on all day about it...start with the books, and look into getting counseling...both for yourself, and together with your husband...it is very important that he understand just how much the abuse has impacted your whole life...

 

Becky

 
May 14, 2008, 9:49 am CDT

shellygins

I just wanted to check and see how you are doing.  Were you able to find the books that I mentioned?  I hope that you can find a good counselor...I would recommend a female counselor...I am much more comfortable with a female counselor than a male...I think they understand better, listen better, and have better advice...most of my health care providers are women...

 

Becky

 
May 23, 2008, 11:29 am CDT

Sexless marriage but with other issues

 Hello everyone,

                             I would first like to say thanks for letting me register and post in this forum. Next I would like to say there are always two sides to every story and I will be as honest and complete as possible in my story.

   I have been married for 9 years. Im 37 years old and my wife is 38. We have two children ages 8 and 11. My wife hurt her back getting out of the bath tub about 5 years ago, 4 years into our marriage. Turned out it was an injury that stemmed from a car accident she was in when she was a teenager. It just showed up that night she got out of the tub. We tried non surgical procedures along with everything else but nothing worked. We opted for a surgery 3 years ago. It did not help. She has been diagnosed with a "bad back" and is in chronic pain and will be for the rest of her life. The injury went too long without recieving medical treatment. She was placed on permanent disability. She has been on narcotics from day 1. They have gradually increased as time has gone on. It  made her very non responsive towards sex or affection in general. She is very limited in what she can and cannot do. She is capable of going to the store or light shopping during peak times, which come may be once a week or so. She can drive but not far. Very limited cooking,cleaning dealing with kids etc. I do 75% of all the household work also.ie wash and dry clothes and bring them upstairs where she can sort them out from the sofa.

  Well around Thanksgiving of 2007 the doctors upped her medications again to a high powered pain patch called Fentanyl. During the Holidays she started doing some shopping. I was thrilled and thought we had found the magic bullet. Well during these shopping days and feel good days ,if you will ,she ran into an old HS flame. They started an affair. I caught on quick, like a week in to the affair. To her credit she did end it right there on the phone in front of me and then blamed the medication and being caught up in a whirlwind of good feelings etc. I agreed to work through it and give her one chance. She did live up to her end and was a role model wife for the next few months, minus the sex and affection which was, and still is absent.

  She has progressively gotten worse. Doctors have upped her medications again. She is now in a depressed state and has lost alot of weight. She is only concerend with getting her medicine.She doesnt get off the couch, mostly sleeps all the time and will only take a bath like twice a week. I know she is in pain, it has been diagnosed and proven through mri's etc. as she informs me everytime I say something about her taking too much. But I think she is abusing her meds and its taken a toll on me. I cant make a grown person do something, ie. go to rehab, if they dont want to go.I am working a job, cooking,cleaning,getting kids bathed,washing clothes,dishes, taking care of bills, and taking care of her, getting medicine etc. going to doctors. Im at wits end and losing it. Getting very depressed my self.

   I have remained loyal, faitfull , dependable and honest in my marriage. I said the vows and signed up for better or worse and intend to live by that. Through thick and thin. I would want it if it were me on the other side. I have sold just about all of my personal items that were considered luxery ie. golf clubs fishing equiptment  etc. in order to pay for medicine in which insurance wouldnt cover. My kids have done without the daily.50 cents for juice at school, have missed field trips and all. Not to mention not being able to go to the movies or participate in things most kids do. Small things like school pictures etc. They have been incredibly understanding through all of this and will make super adults one day.

  I guess my main gripe right now and the reason for posting my problems is lack of attention, affection and sex. None in the last 5 months.I have talked with her repeatedly about this. I have sat down beside her during peak times when she was feeling good and have explained my feelings in detail. That I need some sort of sexual gratification. It doesnt have to be full blown sex, there are other things she can do and Im more than willing to meet her at whatever level she feels confortable.Nothing, no reponse. Says " I know"  "you think I want to be like this? "   stuff like that. Well about a week ago I said to my self Im going to try and communicate with her one more time, well she got a little miffed and seemed angry and stated   "do whatever you need to do, I just dont want to know anything about it"    I said " I have been faithfull to you from day one and will continue as long as Im married to you so I just will have to live with it"   So thats what im doing now..

   I have masturbated and that helps somewhat. But nothing will replace a warm body and love and affection that im missing. I do not have porn in the house but im thinking about it very seriously. I have never thought about leaving because,well, I would feel guilty about leaving someone while there down. I would rather be of help. And I know she may even be homeless without me. Well her mother and father are still living so I guess she could go stay with them if it came down to it. And plus im scared of the kids rebellioning if I took them with me because nothing replaces a mother. But im getting to a desperate stage right now. Ive talked all that I can talk. Ive done and im doing all I can do. She is currently taking

 100 mcg fentanyl every other day

  60 1 mg  kolonipin tablets per month

  fenegrin  daily

 180  10 mg vicoden tablets per month

plus others that im to stressed right now to think of

 Over 1k in meds a month and insurance only covers about half

 

what the hell do I do? I know everybody has problems and most are worst than mine and im sorry for rambeling on and on about them.

 

 I really appreciate anybody that takes there valuable time to read this  and even more so for the ones that take the time to respond.. And and all advice is welcome reguardless of point of view..

  Thanks again,

 Scott

 
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