Topic : Sex

Part of the excitement of kinky sex is the fact that it is taboo! There are actually women that prefer anal to vaginal or oral sex. No matter what kind of act or play you do when it comes to sex, the main thing is sex is something to be shared, and BOTH have to be in to it or it is no longer love making, but a kind of rape. Rape may be too harsh a word, but by definition, it is forcing one to engage in a sex act that they are not willing participants. 

  

Just the fact that you were willing to try it, should show your husband you are a willing partner as far as pleasing your partner. Anal sex is not something that is easy to just jump in and do; especially if you are uptight to begin with. IT is a slow process that if your husband were truly interested in ensuring your pleasure as well as his, he would be gentle and it takes time.  

  

If you are not able to relax due to fear of pain, then it is not going to work. I know women that claim to have orgasms they say are stronger than vaginal/clitoral orgasms. If you find anal sex repulsive, the DON'T do it. Anal sex, like any kind of sexual pleasure between partners, is something to be shared. Both parties should be focusing on pleasing their partners, not themselves. If you find no pleasure in even the thought of it, and don't want to do it, again don't. 

  

I hope this helps. Good luck and great sex! 

The history leading up to this post is on previous pages. Not really sure why I emailed him. I think maybe it was because: 

  

a) I wanted him to see me as another human-being that has thoughts and feelings. 

b) To let him know that I had really done what I said I would do (not spy). 

c) To let him know how I felt regarding the whole situation. 

  

Anyway, in a nutshell, I pushed her into this by being an unplugged, detached, lack of love and affection jerk. You can go back and read the specifics in previous postings. 

 My husband and I have a great sex life.  We have sex at least once a day.  I could do it more, I have a higher sex drive then my husband but all in all I am sexually pleased.  We do run into some problems though.  Like how we never have any foreplay, and after sex he gets up and leaves the room.  Or how when we are having sex he voices that he wants anal sex.  And we have had anal sex before and it was good, but he wants it more then vaginal sex.  And I tend to not want it that much.  And he drives me nuts because he always asks for it, He never pressures me he respects me when I say no.  But it annoys me like crazy when he wants it so much.  Ok other things I have isssues with is that he prefers me dressed up, during sex.  I love to dress up for him sometimes and get a little kinky, but all the time?  That just gets annoying.  Anyone else have this issue? 

 I don't have any advice for you, but I am in your shoes. It could have been me writing that message.  I don't mind that my husband likes me dressed up a bit, and I love it that he is so in love with my a**, but I absolutly hate anal sex, and he loves it.  He doesn't pressure me at all, and maybe I'm a bit of a pushover, because I let him do it about once a year.  Not only is it annoying to me, it is painful, and it just doesn't feel like it is right.
Anyway it was nice to hear someone else with the same problem.  I thought about posting a message, but I didn't want anyone to suggest my husband is gay....he is far from it.

You didn't ask for advice, but I am going to give you some anyway, lol. People will get lazy with their sex if you let them, especially men. One of your problems is you are allowing him to get away with the focus being on his pleasure more than your own. If you don't have a talk with him, and let him know that sex is something shared where both get equal, or as much as possible, pleasure, it will get worse. Eventually your sex life will be down to you performing oral sex for him, during the half time show of the football game. 

 

Put your foot down, and make sure he knows sex is a two way street. Tell him if he were doing it right, his whole focus would be on pleasing you, and yours would be on pleasing him. If it is done that way, how can it go wrong.  

 

I hope this helps. Good luck 

I had something interesting happen to me over the weekend. My wife and I were able to spend several hours together (without our daughter) on Saturday. We had a good time, then we went to dinner and talked. We then talked on the way home. I think her feelings about me and towards me change almost hourly. This makes it difficult to know where I stand. I can handle knowing where I stand because then I can take action to move forward from that spot. But not knowing where I am is sometimes paralyzing. 

  

I told her that I felt I was in a pit and that sometimes I made progress towards climbing out. But then I would slip back towards the bottom after hearing her say certain things. I also said I felt that sometimes I had made good progress but then when her and I talk I would reassess and realize that I really hadn't made it very far from the bottom. She agreed she could see this struggle but said she felt my progress was such that even with the slips I was still headed up. 

  

Here is my latest dilemma. Before I turned off the spy software she had sent a long email to some girlfriends of hers telling them exactly what was going on. She started by explaining that she was in a state of "resisted recovery". :( I thought she wanted to recover but in fact she WANTS to want to recover. I take that to mean that despite herself she doesn't want to recover. She then when on to describe her feelings for this guy in great detail. Let's just say it cut like a knife. She even said she enjoyed doing things we were doing (going places, doing things) but would prefer it was with him. She then expressed regret that she and he had found each other after it was too late, since she is married to me and him to somebody else. 

  

Anyway, as I said in my previous post I had disabled the spy software. I had in effect given her my blessing to correspond with this guy. Then yesterday I had a bad day. I started thinking about her NOT wanting to recover, but wanting to want to recover. She has always told me that she never wanted to be in a relationship where she wasn't wanted, that was her cue to leave. Well if she doesn't want to recover, and would prefer to be with him, then I take that as her not wanting to be with me. Also, I don't understand her need to chat/email with him if she wants to move past this especially she originally stopped because "our marriage is important to her". And finally, she said that part of it was that I was telling her she couldn't, so that made her want to. I never told her she couldn't, but she says the spy software was the same as telling me she couldn't.  

  

Anyway, this all caused my hurt/sadness from the last few weeks to turn into anger yesterday. I was a little distant from her because of that. I told her last night that I was experiencing feelings of anger over things and that I was trying to work through them. Just discussing that with her helped the anger dissipate. 

  

So I am back to not knowing where we stand. This guy has not responded to me (probably never will) and she claims that she hasn't heard from him either. I think sending him the email set us back. :( She claims she isn't going anywhere and is committed to making our marriage work and improve. I believe that she believes that but what if this guy were to leave his wife and want her? Would she still be committed to our marriage? 

  

We haven't been intimate since last week, and I think my actions in the last few days have probably killed any chance at that reoccuring for the short-term. :( 

  

So today I am back to feeling sad about things and asking the question: WHY? 

  

Oh, one last thing. She has confided this to an ex-boyfriend as well. I knew she had been in contact with him but I didn't know she was still emailing him. He even tried to get her to have a fling with him. :( She refused. But then she told him all about what we were going through and about her feelings for this other guy. Then there is the other guy, though he isn't responsive for the time being. Then her girl friends. She has all of these outlets. Other than this board I have no other outlets. That is frustrating to me. I guess I could try to get my ex-girlfriend's email address (I haven't really emailed with her since she got married) and tell her about all of this stuff but that seems almost vindictive. I guess you guys are it. :) 

She had said to her friends in the email that I had been really great the last few weeks. But she still found herself thinking about this guy. Apparently when were driving down the road occasionally a love song would come on and I would say: "This song reminds me of you." At the same time she had been thinking about him. She had even emailed him pieces of lyrics from songs to let him know she was thinking about him. 

  

So yesterday, while I was in my angry place, we were driving down the road listen to Kasey Kaseem's top 40 and a love song came on that had very touching lyrics about finally finding someone. It went off and I said to her: "There are some more lyrics you can send to him." It hurt her I could tell and 3 seconds after it came out I wished I could take it back. -sigh- Obviously I still have some more work to do. :( 

I have read both of your posts and I think your wife needs to let go of this other man completely if she wants to stay married to you, it is called committment and if she is having any thoughts about him even though she says she wants to work things out with you,chances are she would want to get with him if the opportunity was there but really there isn't anything you can do to change her but to work on you and put 100% of your self into this marriage, I know sometimes it is easier said then done but maybe if yuo just do everything possible to make things work, she will see your love and determination and want to start working harder as well. It is hard sometimes to work through our emotions and all but I know it is possible to get through these obstacles. Hopefully in the end all the work and effort will be well worth it.

I don't know how much damage was done. Let's just say she got an email from him and I didn't handle it too well. :( Anyway, we'll get through it. 

  

Thanks you guys. I want to clarify, I don't excuse what she has done in anyway. However, I do take the blame. Dr. Phil and lots of other professionals would have warned me that my behavior, as it was prior to 6 weeks ago, could result in this very thing. So I do hold myself culpable fully for the current state of my relationship. My reality is that my wife isn't in love with me and is no longer attracted to me. Why? Because I trained her to shutdown her feelings toward me through bad behavior. That is a grave I dug for myself. 

  

Figuritout, I am beginning to wonder if she is past the point of no return. Maybe my realization came too late. I don't know. I am going to continue to be the best husband I can be, I can't control what she or anyone else does. Such is life. 

  

Thanks again for listening and offering advice. I will speak to my doctor about possibly getting some therapy to deal with things. We'll see. 

Yeah, I'm not one big for meds either. I thought I might have to go on them a couple of weeks ago because I wasn't functioning very well. I've lost about 20 lbs since all of this started, and I probably have slept an average of 4 hours a night. I've never had anything this stressful in my life. Ever. I've never had trouble eating and sleeping over a problem before. This is all new territory for me. I am neglecting friends and extended family. I have no desire to talk or be around any of them. I think I may be in depression over this thing. Hopefully things will get better, not worse.  

  

Now I am going nuts because I have to take her word for whether or not she has been in contact with him. -shrug- I guess I have to let loose. If you love something let it go, right?