Topic : Sex

me and my boyrfriend been together for a little over a year... we were inseperable and admired eachother and used to have great sex daily and usually a couple times a day. i was 18 when we got together and he was 23, now im 20 and he's 25. i know he loves me and i love him too, but lately our sex lives isn't there like it used to be. it went from everyday to twice a week, and now to maybe once every other week, sometimes twice a month. i dont understand becuase he'll get in the mood, and then not even do anything. its not like our spark went away or anything. sometimes i feel like i always want it, and he never does..usually its the other way around, and we arent even married yet! what should i do? ?

I have posted before under other Marriage boards and different titles but I thought that I would try 1 more before I then move to divorce support.

 

Wife and I have been married for 13 years. I am 43 and she is 39. she is having more of a mid-life crisis than me and it has me wondering and angry. She obviously and has basically admitted to having sexual desires with other men. She goes out with her friends and checks out other men and has blatant dreams and thoughts about them. She also has a serious neighbor crush that has even made my neighbor who is a friend now a little uncomfortable. One of her best friends is now single and has been sexually liberated and hooking up all the time including when she visits us in our own town for a visit with her son. This obviously makes my wife wonder more. She has admitted to me that she has wondered what it would be like being single again with so much confidence and knowledge. Her friend has now got her a dildo as a gift to use. She cannot help herself though she needs help.

 

Me - I will first admit that I have my usually husband faults (work distractions, late for stuff, etc.), but I have never been perverted or distracted to the point of fantasy and have been faithful and devoted to my wife an family. I love my wife, still find her very attractive and tell her. (She replied once "well you got 2 hands") I compliment her and still do nice things for her. Since our 3rd child and by our 10 year anniversary our intimacy and sexual relationship went from maybe monthly to 1-2 a year if that. Last summer I got frustrated as I knew she was feeling sexual wearing sexier clothes and looking good for a mother of 3. After a very negative attitude towards me and turned down on sex on date nights (that I had planned and had to push for her to go), I pushed to ask if she was or wanted to have an affair. I was told then that she was no longer attracted to me and often felt like she got married too young, but she was still in the relationship and was still my wife.

 

Us, since then we struggled back and forth on getting along and not. During last holidays, she was moody and when with me alone she was quiet . She provide no response on gifts, gestures, etc. I pushed by making comments about what I expected in a marriage. She sat me down only to put me in my place and tell me 6 months later that my comments on having an affair hurt her. I am sure it hurt her but it was 6 months later. My therapist was shocked at that one. I know she has question our love and our relationship...things like she doesn't know if she would take a bullet for me and sex is just an obligation to me for her. I believe she fantasizes and uses me some of the time. She told me during this time that she never married me for physical attraction but for who I was as a person and now she is not attracted to that. She would not admit to having a mid-life cirisis, not admit to living vicariously through her single friend, not admit to wanting to rekindle romances from HS (she went to her 20 yr renunion).

 

Me - never been a stud at sex but always willing to learn and try new things as I am someone who wants both parties to be satisfied. I have had during our relationship issues with premature ejaculation, but when in shape I usually am able to conquer it. We are both in shape now and i can last but she gets bored. I have asked for time away together or marriage ecounter weekend and hinted at therapy but she refuses. she says that I have hurt her too much and she just wants to either be alone or with her friends when she has free time. she uses my comment about an affair as the excuse but it was starting to be like this way before that time. She says it is like sister / brother and that is ok.

 

Summary, I feel that I am doing a lot to help us: Therapy, willing to talk, little gestures, let her have her space, nights out with friends, etc. but we are still not in a good place for a healthy married couple. I am not dead yet. Advice has been from get therapy to start to plan on a divorce. she has clearly stated that none of this means that we are separating or divorcing it is just a phase...I say then we need to work at this and she hates that...she feels cornered and frustrated as is my view of a marriage and sex in a marriage is wrong. When we go out as a couple it is too parties or funcitons not dates. We then usually separate an mingle. We are there together but not affection to each other. And either does not see or doesn't care if I am hurt. I feel like I can measure up to her expectations, needs, dreams and I am frustrated and hurt.

 

My questions and thoughts:

- How long do I wait for the behavior to change? Could it have been there all along? I am starting to think about other times in our relationship when she got cold...maybe she thinks she settled and is not happy about it anymore when she sees what is out there?

- How should I handle her fantasizing about other guys to the fact that she emails about it and has vivid dreams that I her and see sexual gesture while she sleeps? Starting to use a dildo? Sex is at best once a month is this good or bad?

- what should be my take on knowing she wants to meet other men? Into dirty sexual phrases and maybe talks to other men at bars about it?

- Ready for altermative (sp?) to ask for couple therapy since we are horrible communicators and she is not willing for us to go somewhere alone to re-aquaint ourselves

 

I have gone to therapy on my own, read about women her age and in marriage, mention my willingness to do things to help me at sex...no response...does she really want our marriage to continue as roommates?

 

Long but appreciate advice out there. Thanks

I am a female so I don't feel I can give a males perspective , but, mid life crises????

No.

She is being lazy and she is looking for an easy way out. I don't think she wants to leave the marriage because financially and emotionally, she is used to the life that she has had with you. I understand you do not want to divorce. Now, that being said.

It is not uncommon to get bored in any relationship. Whether it is one month, or 10 years. Some people just get bored easily. If that is the case, nothing you can do will make her want you the way you want her to want you. She will get bored with anyone that she will spend time with.

If she is not willing to go to counseling then right there it says she doesn't really care about how you feel through all of this. Let me ask you something:  How are you able to sleep at nite with this on your mind? Do you feel guilty of something (outside of being a busy man with a career and responsibilities?) Has she ever told you that you worked too much? Didn't spent enough time with her? Or maybe you are boring her?

My husband actually told me he didn't like my body temperature. Said it was too hot to sleep next to. Now when ever I get lucky enough to have man lie down beside me, they dig the fact that body is so warm. Makes it nice an cozy. See....it depends on who we are trying to please. Some people are just not able to be satisfied for too long.

How should you handle her fantasies about other men?  You shouldn't have to handle them at all. They are fantasies right? Actually, if they were 'truly" fantasies.......they would only be in her mind. That is what a fantasy is you know????? We all them. Sometimes at differnt times in our lives, in our days. Someone may trigger some interesting thought. this is normal and it is human. but I do not think it is wise to tell someone that loves you that you find someone else sexually attractive (that is, unless you don't care if you hurt them). A fantasy is a fantasy. Look it up in a dictionary.

I usually don't like suggesting ultimatums. but in this case,you may need to. One might be: if there is not counseling, then you will have to assume she doesn't care if the marriage lasts or not. If she says she wants to stay married, but she doesn't find you attractive, then you need to make a decison and see if you can live the rest of your life feeling underappreciated and neglected.

Thanks for insights...Many people are telling me there is nothing more that I can do then to just put it on the line and know that one answer might be that a divorce is the answer.  I believe that she is comfortable with me as a father to the kids and a sometimes adult partner in her life. But

 

yes, I sleep miserable most of the time...I need to be exhausted which is usually when I am away from homeor  at home I need drinks or sleep medicine 50% of the time. The other 40% time I will go to bed way after she falls asleep or way before she comes to bed. The other 10% we are there together and it is rarity to get a "good night" never mind a kiss.

 

yes, she gets bored...i knew when we dated that this happens. For a while, marriage, new jobs, new houses, having kids and some good vacation trips kept it all interesting. But now its like she feels too good to be married to me and does not want to be out in a public place with me. She never could stay with 1 job either which is why she became a stay at home mom. I always supported her either way, but she would hate any job even ones she was good at withing a 1.5-2 year time frame. We moved to a whole new city so I could have time more with the family and her, but she is not interested in our time. So it is the boring her...She has nver told me directly but it is obvious. She never askes me about work anymore. Nothing about an activity or even what I am thinking. She not even supportive or compliments me on anything anymore. Yes, I have worked too much and had times when I was too busy for her. I have made more than an effort to change that since we moved but she turns me down. I do wonder if missed signs earlier and now its too late, but it is supposed to be marriage - good and bad times right...there is suppose to be forgiveness.

 

No - never any specific fantasies but overly hyped and oogles good looking people. she has told me what kind of men turn her on...it is all about muscles these days. I am in good shape for 42 but runners build.

 

I am so ready to ask the counseling question because I have been patient long enough and it is affected me as a person. A friend saw me after 15 years and we started to discuss this and she said..."all I know is this is not the person I knew and that is not right."

 

I keep taking her side, but she never equally takes my side so how is that right. I am sure that when I approach this subject with her again she will make it that it is all about me and I am being selfish or I am cornering her. That's where the relationship is...sad

 

So yes, I feel unappreciated and neglected!

 

In the end, I do believe she is being lazy and wants me to either make a major mistake or be the one who talks about a divorce so I look like the bad guy. It would make it easier for her with her family who love me.

 

writing on boards makes me talk things out...any more comments?