Topic : Sex

Convince her to visit her doctor. She may be going through menopause. Were you pleasing her before all of this? Did she enjoy you before? Has there been any major changes in her life? Find out why (HONESTLY) why she does not want to have sex with you.  If it is only her sex drive then a doctor can prescribe somethng then if there is something that you are not doing then you will know and can WORK at improving your art of making love. Have you brought her a card, or flowers lately, offered her a day at the spa or a weekend get away. Massaged her feet, rubbed her back and not made love to her. Work your way up, still being attentive, and until she cannot TAKE it another moment. I hope things improve, I am experiencing pretty much the same, I am the PASSIONATE WIFE WITH THE LOW SEX DRIVE HUBBY. I have found out that if I continue to allow him to get away with not having he will and if I do not require more out of him when we make love, he will not put any effort in it to half way try to please me.

Many of you know my story. I started posting here last fall. I had fallen into the unplugged, unattentive husband trap. I had become one of those guys that comes home, grunts at his wife and sits in front of the TV, or computer, or a book, or magazine and didn't want to communicate with my wife. Eventually she quit trying to get my attention and looked for that attention elsewhere. In the meantime I woke up to my stupidity and started trying to institute changes. At first she was resistant to it, not fully trusting I was changed. Since Sept/Oct we have come so far and our marriage is probably stronger now than it has ever been. 

The problem is that she always had a lack of interest in sex. I thought it was because of my poor behavior. After all, as Dr. Phil says, why would a woman want to sleep with the guy I described above? Well apparently the issue is much deeper than that. As the marriage and relationship have improved the lack of sexual desire has not. She just would rather do just about anything than have sex. And she always has a reason. She is sick. Tired. Busy. She ate too much. She is too hungry. She has no energy. You name it I have heard it. I have tried to be understanding, just holding her with no expectation of sex. Rubbing her back. Being loving and tender. Too be honest, sex isn't the most important thing in my life, but I would like to make love to my wife more than once every other month. Sometimes it doesn't even happen that often. 

She's been to the doctor, doctor ran tests and said everything is fine physically. She's gone to counselor about some emotional scars she has, that didn't seem to have an impact either. Am I just destined to be in a near sexless marriage? Is it something I should just come to terms with and move on? Her lack of desire makes me feel like crap. Unattractive, undesirable, ugly, disgusting. Is that unreasonable? Should I be seeing a therapist to work this out for myself?  

Help. I don't know what else to try. 

I have not frequented this particular board,  but am a active participant in other areas of this website.  I just need to talk to someone, and this resource seemed to fit the bill.  I am 45, DH is 40.  We have been married for nearly 13 years and have enjoyed a fantastic relationship and great sex up until the past year.    

My husband has been struggling with ED or maybe performance anxiety?.  Last fall it happened several times over a month or so (he was unable to get an erection or maintain it) so we had no fulfilling sex and I was devastated.  Finally, after we didn't have relations for quite some time things worked out and we were back on track.  It always seems like I am more interested lately than he is.  I took this personally and very recently lost 17 pounds.  I have been taking better care of myself and feel I am as sexy as I have ever been.  It didn't really seem to make a difference, but he at least tried to be responsive at least once a week.  There have been a couple of times when I achieved fulfillment and he didn't and gave up.  Two weeks ago I was out of town for an entire week.  We made love before I left and it was great!  I returned home and we were both VERY HAPPY to see each other.  I joined him in the shower that evening.  Things were going well and we moved the party to the bedroom.  Once there he couldn't get his erection back.  I tried everything to no avail.  I think we were both very aroused, but nothing!  I just assumed that he was tired or something.  Next night same thing!  This time he got about 75% erect and then lost it before penetration.  OK, now I am getting pretty upset and taking things personally.  He assures me that nothing it wrong and he will work it out.  Friday morning (usually the BEST time for a great erection) he initiates sex, and then as soon as he penetrates he loses it.  He faked a quick orgasm and I "let him off the hook" before completing the act to my satisfaction.  I then jumped in the shower and sobbed for about 1/2 hour.  The thing is, I know that he masturbates very frequently.  He used to be into porn, but I made such a stink about it that I think he has finally quit.  

I don't know what to do.  I know he is very worried about this problem and now he is avoiding contact with me by pretending to fall asleep in his chair or slipping into bed and acting like he's asleep while I am in the shower.    

Please give me some ideas for things that I can do to put the sizzle back in to our relationship and get him over his self confidence issues!  

Lisa  

God i talked ot my wife about sex yet again and this time the excuse i got was that she is too afraid of hurting me. I should start a journal of excuses I bet i could publish a small novel with all the ones she keeps comeing up with them. One of the vacations we took to be romantic she suddenly had a yeast infection. Now i am not saying its not possible but wow what timing. I have heard all the normal things period cramps headache too tired don't feel like it. I wish i could remamber all of them its amazing how many i have heard. Now she is afraid of hurting me. Ok yes i did have reconstructinve knee surgery but that was over a week ago now and hell right now even if sex caused pain i would want to remember at least what it looked like. I have been without for over 2 years now (when i started dateing her) Its driving me up the wall. I have done the best i know how to to explain to her what this is doing to me but it doesn't seem to make any differance whatsoever. I am definantly starting to turn into that age old typical guy that comes home and ignors his wife untill they go to sleep. Its a bit worse for me tho me and my wife have totally different sleeping habbits so often she isn't even in bed with me during the nite. The part that really annoys me there is that she has no job and it would be really nce if she could motivate herself to clean the house a bit like say to vaccume once a week so that its something i dont have to do in my time out of work. She refuses to see a doctor or a councelor and she has not said anything to me. She plans on spending most of june down in florida (we live in MA) she wants to spend time with her mom. I can not take that much time off from work so she is going alone and i might be able to go down for a visit with her. I am not one to stop her from doing this of course i mean its her mom. Should i just not try and go down there at all tho? Would it be better to let her be totally awey from me for the majority of a month?  

Does ANYBODY have any idea what i should do or what i should try to do or well ANYTHING. I am so extremly fusterated. Getting married should not mean never haveing sex. I am not into giving ultimatums the often end up just blowing up in disasterouse ways. I am trying to reason with her. I think i have 1 year tho to file for a annulment as much as i would hate to get an annulment if 1 year goes by and she has not had sex with me even once how am i to think things will change? I am not going to stay married to a woman that won't even have sex with me. We are working on other issues like trying to get her a GED or high school diploma and then try to get her a job somewhere so that hopefully she will feel a little better about herself accually working for money and haveing something to do during the day and haveing some real responsibility. I feel like i am the only person that is trying for this tho even tho she agrees with me that its a good idea. I don't get it i swear sometimes i feel like i don't really know the woman i have married. How can she say these are great idea's and she wants to do them but then take SO incredibaly long to even get the ball rolling on these things. We have tons of resources at our fingertips here at home we have high speed internet for one thing and we have plenty of computers to make it convenent to surf the web in any room except the bathroom. We have a printer and a fax machine in case something needs to be faxed off somewhere even. I don't know what else short of a full library in the house i could get to give her more resources to use. The town library is small but its about 1 mile awey. The big library in taunton is about 10 miles awey. I don't know what i should be doing here I don't want to push her into it but i am trying to gently nudge her in the right direction. 

I hope that this doesn't come off sounding rude or inconsiderate, but is there any other reason that your wife would've married you for?  Money maybe?  To me, you sound like a responsible person.  You take care of yourself and are trying to take care of your wife.  Why doesn't she have a job?  How old is she?  You said she didn't have a high school diploma so I may think she's quite young.  Oh, nevermind, these questions don't matter I guess, but maybe they do have something to do with how your wife feels about herself. 

You said that she was a virgin when you married? (Sorry, I took a look at your other postings so I could have a better idea of your situation)  I'm sure that has something to do with it. but sex, I think, is a major part of a marriage, and I for one, enjoy it.  Maybe when she was younger she had people telling her it was an awful thing to do?  In which case, I don't think you can do anything to help, a counselor or therapist would probably help more.  Have you had any intercourse at all?  Maybe if she atleast tries it she won''t be so scared.  For that to happen, I don't have any ideas, sorry.  Maybe some spontanity?  I think I spelled that wong.  Do you tell her you love her and are you physical throughout the day?  Or is it just at night?  Maybe trying some of these things would help.  Okay, I guess I did have some ideas. 

  I came here and am writing to you now because I can feel your frustration.  I would feel frustrated if my husband didn't want to be intimate with me either.  I think you are not asking too much by wanting sex, it is a beautiful, wonderful, fulfilling thing.  In regards to your question about going down with your wife to Florida, I wouldn't.  Maybe some time apart would be good for you guys.  Maybe she will actually miss you and realize what she has.  I would see how her trip goes, and after that, bring up the issue of sex again.  She may be willing to talk about it after her break.  Maybe she needs advise from her mom.  Not only in the sex department, but in other departments as well.  You being there may disrupt that. 

Anyway, I hope all goes well for you.  If you want to talk again, I am here often on these boards.  More than I should be maybe. LOL  Take care. 

Elffie