Topic : Sex

i know that an affair won't help anything.  Sometimes years of rejection make you feel like you need to confirm its not you and that you still are capable of having sex after five years of not having any physical contact.  It is easy to play the moral high ground but when you are in a situation where you havent been touched in that long.. its alot harder to live it.   I am not going to give up and acutally have an affair.. .but I am human and the thought does cross my mind alot of times.  Logically, I understand it wont solve anything and will only make me feel worse.   

Ok she still is a virgin. She is not addicted to anythign she can't even down more then 1 drink of anything before she stops because she doesnt like the way alcohol makes her feel. She has never been a pill popper or anything. I am almost sure she struggles with depression sometimes but she never ever tells me. When i bring it up she gets very quet and will not take any advice that i have for her. I can get her ANY help she could posibally need my health care is very inclusive. She will not accept the help tho and it drives me nuts. I am not a professional in really anything (more like a jack of many trades and what i don't know i can learn). I love her I really do but sometimes (ok often) this kind of stuff tears me up because i am so helpless to do anything. There is only so much one person can do and deal with. I even like the idea of a family and for o maybe the first 25 or 26 years of life i swore i would not have any childeren (i am 28 btw she is 25) She might have married me for money but if she did she is very mistaken. I am not hard up on money and i own my own house (inherited from my dad in 2004 he died just before i could graduate boot ) but i am enlisted and i don't plan on makeing it into a career so it's not like i can afford much luxury (depending if i need a oil fill up that month no luxury these prices are INSANE! ) I take any contract very seriously and that as much as anyone might try to debate it really is what a marridge licence is (just look at how much involvment lawyers have if you get divorced i think that proves it more then anything that its a contract with heavy fees and penaltys should it be breached)  

ok that's enough out of me i am getting all emotional and if i keep it up i will end up publishing a small book on this board in 1 post.  

My wife and I have been married nearly 5 years. Just before we were married my wife was 60lbs lighter than she is now. Myself I am in probably the best shape of my life. I am 6'3 195lbs and very lean. I go to the gym 6 days a week for 2 hours at a time. 

 I am a stay at home dad and care for our 3 children. My wife is an accountant in the film industry and works 12 hours a day 5 days a week. This leaves very little time for her to exercise. Even our family doctor has told her she needs to lose weight to be healthy. My problem is this. I love my wife with all my heart. She is a wonderful person, and a terrific mother to our children.  

The problem is that I dont find her as attractive as I did in the past. Our sex life is not near what it was when we were dating as I dont find myself wanting it since I dont enjoy it as much. She is very needy and always wants to make love but I dont find the desire. I want this to work and want to be very attracted to her once again. I do not talk to her about this as I dont want to upset her. She is a very emotional person and I know if I spoke with her about it she would cry and be distant. What can we do??? 

I am not sure what to do here.  I saw a post from a pregnant woman that was going through close to the same thing I am, but now I cannot find it. 

Back in November, I got tired of my husband closing windows on his computer when I went into his studio.  I became curious, waited till he went to work one day, and discoverd hundreds of thousands (honest-no exageration)  of pictures of naked women, videos of pornography that he took great pains in downloading.  I was so shocked. 

I took some time and deleted quite a bit of it.  Then when he got home from work, I told him I had discovered his "secret" 

He told me he had always been a 'voyeur', that viewing women online was quite normal (he has friends that always e-mail him nude women), and that he had so many because he could not look at the same thing twice.  He proceeded to retrieve off the internet what I had deleted, after I cried and told him how this all made me feel.  He said sorry for hurting me, but he just continues to do it. 

Since then, I have spoken to some other women, wanting to find out if I was just being too touchy.  We have been married for 3 years, together for nearly 5, and I really take this personally. 

I went through the whole "am I not enough for this man, what have I got that those other women don't," pretty much the whole self-blame thing. 

I dont know what he does with these pictures and videos, I think I would be afraid of the answer. 

Yes, I have asked him, and he says he just looks at them 

This April 1, it was our anniversary, and he took the grand gesture to turn off his internet downloading.  Two weeks later he turned it on.   

I recently have started going for counselling, because I do not know how to handle this.  I love this man, I would do (nearly) anything for him.  My cousellor told me that he could very well be a sex addict. 

That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I asked my husband if that thought had ever occured to him.  He didn't take that well, needless to say.  He then proceeded to say that "it's normal to be addicted to sex"   ewwwwwww!  I don't think so. 

I have read up on sexual addiction as much as I could, I know he was sexually abused when he was 5 or 6, which according to specialists, this has lead to today's activity.  I am not supposed to blame him, I am not supposed to confront him and so that leaves nothing else to do.  Being a typical man too, he tells me he is tired of discussing this with me, but it constantly bothers me and I don't know what to do.  I am 39, and he is 47. 

Our sex life is somewhat sluggish, he went through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (he's a firefighter) for nearly 1.5 years, where our sex life was non-existant.  He always told me it was because of the anti-depressants he was on.  Now I look at what's on his computer, and a lot of it dates back to his stressful time! 

Any advice? 

I have to agree with the other post.  If your wife isn't that into your marriage and if she's not willing to do anything to make it better it may be best if you get out while you still can.  You are still young, you may find another love.  I know this is easier for me to say, but it may be the truth.   

The other poster brought up a good point about having children.  Do you think she would be a fit mother?  She could get post partum depression which would make things even worse.  I know, I know, you would have to have sex to get to the children part.  But are you willing to live your life like that?  

You never said if you were going to go on that trip with her.  I still think she should go alone and give you guys some time apart.  It may help. 

Hope everything works out for you.  Take care. 

Elffie 

Hey Lisa, 

Your husband just need some help from his doctor. I'm 51 now and been using viagra and cialis since I was 42. I had the same problem. I wanted sex but had trouble keeping a erection also.  Its not you so don't be upset at him. You can buy generic viagra and cialis over the internet which is alot cheaper than the  name brand. Good luck I know this will work. 

You have communicated clearly that foreplay is not only neccessary, but an important element in love making between husband and wife- However, HE absoulely refuses to make an effort. It's always, "slam, blam, thank-you ma'am" and not only that, he now makes to effort to initate sex, misses opportunities and generally shows no interest.  When you bring up the subject and ask if you could expect a change, he responds with exasperations and is irriated with the disscussion. He calls it picking, nagging and complaining.  You are told this is the way I am and I have always been this way......etc.  He ends the discussion in the usual way by leaving the room angry and not speaking. There's no kissing, tenderness, affection or passion.   

How do you respond to this?   

Married, single, dating?   

Age?   

Thanks for your oppinion.   

There are tons of reasons why he is reacting the way he is reacting. One could be he is a selfish jerk, that only cares for his own pleasures, and if he is going to have to "work" for it, he is too lazy to do anything about it. 

Now here are some other reasons that very well may have some of the causes, only he knows for sure. There could be a drop of testosterone levels, or some medication he is taking could cause a drop in sexual desire. He should have his doctor run some blood work, as well as discuss the medications he may be taking. Another medical problem could be erectile dysfunction (ED). ED would be an embarrassing problem for a male, and if a guy is having that problem, he could very well become defensive and lash out at you to prevent from facing this problem with you. Of course he could be lashing out as a defense mechanism to any situation to keep from having to talk about it with you. 

Stress and exhaustion are other reasons to cause sexual desires to drop. You may want to think about  any changes in his job or some activity which may bring more stress into his life. Another reason of course could be another woman. Ever hear of the song "Torn Between Two Lovers?" You have given no indication, but I am trying to touch base with all reasons I can think of it being. 

Lastly it could be he has never had to, nor knows or cares about how much more intimacy can be enjoyed when shared between two people, and working ones way up to the climax can be more exciting than the actual climax itself. 

Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, and that is what you should be doing. At some point in time, when there is no threat of actually having sex at the moment, (in other words you would not want to have this conversation in bed for example) you need to sit him down and have a talk with him about it, and not in an accusatory tone or manner. Talking about it during, or right before, or after would only bruise the male ego in him. Find a nice quiet time when the two of you can't be interrupted, and there is no threat of this being brought up in order to have sex at the moment, and talk openly about the situation, and again be prepared to listen more than lecture. Communicating is a two way street. Ask him his opinion more the just tell him yours, and hopefully he may just feel safe enough to open up. 

I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex!