Topic : Sex

Hello, I need some advice, maybe just support.  I have been married a short time, less than a year. My husband and I have a great relationship. I have been bothered for months about a past female friend of my husband calling and leaving messages. Well, last week, I told him we needed to resolve this problem. You see me and my husband have a commitment to eachother that we will not talk on the phone to old friends. We want a partnership in which we depend on eachother. We don't want others to interfere with our marriage. We can have friends, but not friends of the opposite sex that you call upon when you need to talk to someone. We wanted something sacred in our marriage, and we take our Wedding Vows serious, along with our commitments to each other.. So, back to the story, my husband calls this old female friend, and she goes wild on the phone that he called finally after a year of not hearing from him. He tells her about our commitment, regarding not talking to friends of the opposite sex. She does not understand. She says, that it's just a "woman thing", and goes on, thats what she was thinking all along, why she did'nt hear from him. My husband just drew a blank, did'nt know what to say and ended the conversation with her saying, "Well call me sometime".......He said, "I don't think that will happen", then he hang up. It just grips me that she did'nt listen to him, or understand or even want to understand. She clearly made the asumption that is was all because of me that he was not calling her any longer. I was so upset, about her response, that I got mad at my husband and we had a big argument over it. We finally talked later, and everything is okay. But it still maddens me so, that she wanted my husband to go behind my back to call her. I was beyond mad. I just want to email her and tell her off, but I think on the other hand, my husband made it clear, and it was her ignorance that did'nt allow to hear what he was saying. Anyway, I wanted to know what you thought about this. Should I write her? Should I give her a piece of my mind? Or just let it go? Why do women call me that are married anyway. I think this is totally disrespectful. If it was okay with me, he would of called her back but my husband did'nt want me talking to my old male friends either, and that's why we made this commitment to eachother. We want total trust and honesty out of our marriage. We have a loving unique fun relationship and one that has total commitment to eachother. Thanks for your advice, or support. Djewel 

Hello, I need some advice, maybe just support.  I have been married a short time, less than a year. My husband and I have a great relationship. I have been bothered for months about a past female friend of my husband calling and leaving messages. Well, last week, I told him we needed to resolve this problem. You see me and my husband have a commitment to eachother that we will not talk on the phone to old friends. We want a partnership in which we depend on eachother. We don't want others to interfere with our marriage. We can have friends, but not friends of the opposite sex that you call upon when you need to talk to someone. We wanted something sacred in our marriage, and we take our Wedding Vows serious, along with our commitments to each other.. So, back to the story, my husband calls this old female friend, and she goes wild on the phone that he called finally after a year of not hearing from him. He tells her about our commitment, regarding not talking to friends of the opposite sex. She does not understand. She says, that it's just a "woman thing", and goes on, thats what she was thinking all along, why she did'nt hear from him. My husband just drew a blank, did'nt know what to say and ended the conversation with her saying, "Well call me sometime".......He said, "I don't think that will happen", then he hang up. It just grips me that she did'nt listen to him, or understand or even want to understand. She clearly made the asumption that is was all because of me that he was not calling her any longer. I was so upset, about her response, that I got mad at my husband and we had a big argument over it. We finally talked later, and everything is okay. But it still maddens me so, that she wanted my husband to go behind my back to call her. I was beyond mad. I just want to email her and tell her off, but I think on the other hand, my husband made it clear, and it was her ignorance that did'nt allow to hear what he was saying. Anyway, I wanted to know what you thought about this. Should I write her? Should I give her a piece of my mind? Or just let it go? Why do women call me that are married anyway. I think this is totally disrespectful. If it was okay with me, he would of called her back but my husband did'nt want me talking to my old male friends either, and that's why we made this commitment to eachother. We want total trust and honesty out of our marriage. We have a loving unique fun relationship and one that has total commitment to eachother. Thanks for your advice, or support. Djewel 

Why can you not have friends of the opposite sex, if each of you knows them?  But it is okay if you talk to your girlfriends or  his boyfriends?  What is the difference?  Or do you not talk to people about your marriage?  So do you have superficial relationships?  So you can not talk to his friends because they are of the opposite sex?  There is a difference between depending on each other, which is wonderful and then kicking everyone that has been in your life to the curb because you are married, that is not extremely healthy.  It is like those people in high school and college that forget all of their friends when they start dating someone and then when they break up they came back into your life.    

Your husband was talking to an old friend, not about your marriage, but about things, general interests, funny stories about their past, etc.   

I have a lot of friends, both male and female and I would be extremely hurt if one of my friends just threw me to the side because they are now married.  Havent you ever heard of the saying, make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. 

I am just kind of floored that your friendships of the past mean so little to you.  You can have total commitment to each other and still have friends.   

We want total trust and honesty out of our marriage. We have a loving unique fun relationship and one that has total commitment to eachother. 

So the only way you can trust your husband is if he doesn't have contact with the outside world?  It seems you two have blocked part of your life so that you can be trustworthy.  You can have a trusting fun relationship and be commited to each other, but still talk with people of the opposite sex.  Trust me, it can happen.  Is the reason you don't want him talking to his old friends is because he has a history with them?  In which I mean, they have dated before?   

Your husband called her right?  And that's what your mad about?  You're not mad that she didn't understand, you're mad at your husband for calling, right?  If I was her I think I would be a little confused as well.  I would be wondering why he's calling me, if his wife and him made an agreement not to talk with people of the opposite sex.  That's what she was probably confused by.  Did you know he was calling her? 

I'm no professional, but if you want your marriage to work, you need to have trust in your husband and you can't get that by blocking his friends.  To me, that doesn't sound fair to either one of you.  I may be wrong, but it sounds like jealousy plays a big part in this agreeement between the two of you. 

Elffie 

No, I guess I did'nt articulate my message very well. We both do have friends of the opposite sex. We just don't call our old opposite sex friends,like with advice, ect. ect. Because we depend on each other for advice, ect. ect. We can have friends, but when we were dating we both had the opposite sex friends calling us. My husband did not like that, nor really did I. But I told him, if I could'nt have my old friends of the opposite sex call me, it had to go both ways. He said that was fine with him, because he did not want me talking to old friends of the opposite sex. Nor did I, really like the idea of him calling old girl friends. So, we made this an agreement, commitment to eachother that we could have our friends, but we would totally rely on eachother for advice, ect. ect. We have seen too many times, where a relationship has gone wrong with this kind of thing. The guy or girl becomes too close to the old friend, and it ruins the marriage. This is me and my husbands 3rd marriage. We want everything right. We both agree on this. I was asking for some advice, not to be told what was right for us. If this kind of thing is right for you, I would respect that. But my problem was, she kept calling, and some women just don't get it, when your married, your partner comes first always. Good luck. Thankyou for your imput. Djewel 

Hello.  You say that you have female problems that interfere with sex?  Is it just when you have sex or is it all the time?  The reason I ask is because there could be some reasons why sex is not enjoyable for you.  Again, I'm not a professional and you really didn't tell much in your post so I'm just going with what I read.  If there are more serious problems, I apologize for I don't mean to sound rude or inconsiderant. 

Were you a virgin when you got married?  If you were, sex can be uncomfortable for the first few times, even though you have been married for two years.  Also, if you are worrying too much about it hurting, then you are not relaxing enough.  Being tense makes love making more uncomfortable.  Is there enough lubrication?  Sometimes females do not produce enough and need some help.  KY jelly is a good one.   

You say you've been going to the doctors.  How long?  Has it been for two years?  If so....they haven't found anything wrong?  What was your upbringing on sex?  Was it frowned upon and made out to be "dirty"? 

I hope you find what is causing your problems and I also hope that some of the things I wrote above help. 

Again, if there is a bigger underlying problem, I apologize.   

Elffie 

I have had cervical cancer and endometriosis.  I have had surgery for both.  Now I am doing the same thing that I was doing before I had the surgery.  They are thinking that the cancer is coming back or the endometriosis is getting bad again.  I might have to have a hysterectomy.  Believe me I have tried everything.  This is not my first marriage.  I have had three children so no I am not a virgin.lol..  To be honest I use to love making love but lately I would rather not.  I do it anyway to keep my husband happy.  But at times it seems like it doesn't matter to him.  Just as long as he gets what he wants.  Like my feelings are not important.  I work a very stressful job.  Never know when I will have an off day. Plus a mother.  I am laking in the energy department.  Then I get the cold shoulder from my husband at the same time.  So to be honest a lot of the times I just don't feel like it.  But when I do want it it hurts...