Topic : Sex

The more a user "uses" pornography the more they "need" it. I would really try to intervene with your husband and get him to accept some addiction help. Make a deal with him, if he can go a week without pornography then you will back off. If he can't do that, or won't do that, then you know he has a problem. An everyday porn thing is NOT normal. It is normal for a guy to be curious about porn, but having to view it everyday sounds like and addiction.

I thought the same exact thing and he is in total denial of that fact.  I have tried to get him to stop but he just lies about it...like oh no honey i havent today or i stopped doing that.....but then I catch him.  It has to be embarrasing for him but god! Do you think this could be like a gateway thing? Like he could possibly go out and be unfaithful?

I don't think just because he uses porn automatically means that the next step is unfaithfulness. It could be but people who have never viewed porn before have affairs, so I don't see a correlation. Further, some would argue, including myself, that his behavior is already unfaithful to you, even without the actual physical act of sex. 

  

Usually when a guy looks for outlets like these it is either a) they feel lonely or loved, b) they aren't getting something from their relationship marriage, or c) they are just a womanizer. 

  

My guess is that c is not the case of your husband. When my wife was pregnant with our daughter sex was non-existent. I started getting a bit of a wandering eye wondering what various women would be like. Would they find me attractive? Would we have the physical chemistry I lacked and craved with my wife? I never cheated but if the right situation had presented itself who knows? 

  

So is there anything that you aren't providing that he might be needing? Is his turn to porn at all possibly the result of something you could be doing better in the marriage? Only you can answer that. Unfortunately now he has discovered this outlet and it sounds like he has developed an addiction.  

  

#1 I would try to convince him to get help. #2 I would get and read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. #3 I would start implementing the changes to yourself that Dr. Phil outlines in order to see if just by those changes you can get things back on the right course. 

  

Good luck. Remember, you won't change your husband by brow-beating him, he has to come to a realization that what he is doing is unhealthy and want to change. You can possible encourage that by being the best spouse that you can be. 

  

That is the realization I made a few weeks ago. I had gone about my life and marriage blaming my wife for our relationship ills. Finally I looked in the mirror and saw the problem staring back at me. I can't change her, only she can change her. I can only change myself for the better and hope that my changes inspire changes in her. 

I just got married a couple months back after dating my husband for 2 yrs. During this time of dating, we had a lot of issues with his ex. We got over it, but now everytime during and after sex or even when i'm just sitting I keep wondering how many partners he's had and he refuses to tell me when i ask him. do i need to know or should i let it go. I had never had sex with anyone until we got married, so is really fair that he doesnt want to open up?

I just found out that my husband have been looking at porn on the Internet and I have no idea for how long. I am mad as hell and can not think. I am disgusted and can not even think about him touching me. We have been married for a long long time and he is not starved for sex by any means. I am a very beautiful woman (I have been told), in a great shape, very successful and up to now a great wife. I have never been unfaithful to him and never even allowed myself to think about another man sexually. I have flicked off men  off my back all my life and have had many many opportunity to do many things but in my head I am married and only have one man in my life.I am totally against porn and even if I can, I won't. My question is that why am I so angry and can not shake it off and why would my husband have the need to look at porn.  And for someone like him is it me that he is making love to or the one that he was drewling over on the porn? should I not be offended? He says he is sorry and won't do it again but I think he is sorry that he was caught. I am not going to spend my time to monitor him. In my opinion he cheated on me with his eyes and mind.

Can I ask why you never requested this information prior to marriage? This is not an unreasonable thing to want to know especially in today's day and age. Why you wouldn't have wondered about this prior to committing your life to this man is a bit troubling. 

  

I'd suggest a sitdown, heart-to-heart with him. Know this though, he may not open up to you. He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Or he may spill his heart about all of his past experiences. The important thing is not what you get from him, but what you give to him: how you feel. At the very least he needs to know how not knowing this information is affecting you. 

  

If you are wondering about this during and after sex, is the sex really satisfying to you and him? My guess would be no, that there is a lot lacking from your intimacy. That needs to be discussed. Maybe that will be enough to nudge him into opening up. Don't expect this but it couldn't hurt. Opening up about your feelings is important, even if he doesn't reciprocate. 

This is a natural reaction. Anytime a spouse "cheats" mentally and emotionally it can hurt just as much as if they had done the physical act. Your questions are valid. 

  

I have a confession to make, my wife once found porn sites in the history of my internet browsing. This was several years ago. I had been curious as to porn because her step-dad was working for the FBI and porn cases were the biggest investigations that the FBI conducted. He would check out porn sites to make sure the "models" were of age so that he could report any site suspected of child pornography. 

  

Anyway, my wife was obviously upset by this. I explained my reasoing but I am sure she was going through just as many of the issues you are currently going through. Maybe he is angry he got caught, or maybe he is really sorry her hurt you. I will say this, your relationship sounds solid and one transgression by him shouldn't completely bring it down. 

  

I hope sharing my story with you helps. Just to let you know I am very religious and am anti-porn myself, but sometimes the devil gets his mits into us and we give in to the temptation. Cool off before making any rash decisions, but don't beat yourself up over it either. 

I want my husband to be turned on by me not by a whore in a porn. He always knew how I feel about porn and I guess he didn't think I can accidentally catch him.  I just can't look at him the same way. I have lost my trust and respect for him and that was the main thing in our marriage. He is sorry because his action has made me so upset but he still thinks that it is not a big deal. I told him that just turn the table and see how it feels if I was looking at the naked body of other men and sharing disgusting stuff with my friends? He says that I am right and he never looked at it this way. But my point is that I don't want him to change for me, I want him to be a good man naturally and have high standards and dignity. I was so worried about my children, now I know it wasn't my children that I have to worry about!!!!! How can you tell your children not to do something when you are doing it yourself? 

Just to add the final note that in his case it wasn't just to be curious. I understand and can accept a once in a while checking for fun. He has been to these sites a lot more that what you think. He has made me feel very small and unimportant and I used to think  and proud of the exact opposite. 

I guess I am angry that he has messed up my perfect world. 

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have two great children, 12 and 10. Compared to a lot of other husbands, my husband is wonderful and our marriage has hope but I feel as if I can't go on for another day.  

  

  I have a lot of emotional baggage from the earlier part of our marriage:  

  

  1. I found out that a mutual female friend was an ex-girlfriend by reading his diary. When I had asked about her while we were dating, he had claimed that she was just a friend. But it turns out, everyone knew except for me. I found out by reading his diary.   

   

  2. We also had to live with his parents for financial reasons in the first five years of our marriage. Initially, the promise was six months but we ended up staying there for a very long time before moving out. In some ways, it wasn't his fault but I still felt that he had let me down.  

  

  3. He doesn't provide me with a sense of security, both financial and emotional. He doesn't seem very responsible and seems to make decisions that threaten our well being like quitting a job without a financially viable option. Although I worked, I still felt burdened and insecure about our future. 

   

  4. I resent him because he has put me in a position where I had to shoulder financial responsibility for our family. I believe this has made me more aggressive and concerned about money which I dislike.  

  

  5. We've had problems with sex in the past and he has refused to seek help. The problem recurrs often and it looks like it will continue to plague our marriage in the future.   

   

 But despite all this, he is a wonderful person and very caring. He also listens and tries to make me happy but I find it hard to be happy because of these underlying issues. I really don't think it's a matter of letting go of emotional baggage but I have given up trying to work out the problems because when we try to talk, I end up hurting him and making him feel like a loser. So I have decided it's better not to deal with our  problems. And even if we do talk it over and feel better, the same issues come up again and again.
 
  I have tried to work things out on my own and read Relationship Rescue twice but it only convinces me that we probably won't be able to have a healthy, loving relationship again.  

Where do I go from here?