Message Boards

Topic : Sex

Number of Replies: 1104
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 13, 2005, 7:30 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: srbluvslab

Can I ask why you never requested this information prior to marriage? This is not an unreasonable thing to want to know especially in today's day and age. Why you wouldn't have wondered about this prior to committing your life to this man is a bit troubling. 

  

I'd suggest a sitdown, heart-to-heart with him. Know this though, he may not open up to you. He may tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Or he may spill his heart about all of his past experiences. The important thing is not what you get from him, but what you give to him: how you feel. At the very least he needs to know how not knowing this information is affecting you. 

  

If you are wondering about this during and after sex, is the sex really satisfying to you and him? My guess would be no, that there is a lot lacking from your intimacy. That needs to be discussed. Maybe that will be enough to nudge him into opening up. Don't expect this but it couldn't hurt. Opening up about your feelings is important, even if he doesn't reciprocate. 

None of what we're dealing with has to do with sex, just like rape. It's people who're dealing with feelings, ours and theirs. When we married, we both came into this marriage with baggage. He with his, and me with mine. We HOPED that each other could "fix" our problems. Instead, we hung on for ove 30 years, thinking we could fix "something". Well, something doesn't work. We've had counseling. That didn't work. We both had women. On heavy-set woman, one who seemed "butch". I'm sorry if I offended anyone. Anyway, WE all have problems. Find someone YOU find comfortable with. If you don't, get rid of them. If your spouse wants to stay, so be it, you move one. Just like we should have yearrs ago. This was less than 10 years ago. I've almost given up. Finding the right person to help you....beliveing in God, doing the right thing....it jjust doesn't seem to matter. People are so selfish. Sorry, I'm kind of jaded tonight.
 
October 14, 2005, 6:40 am CDT

Is it over?

In the middle of making love, my husband stopped and said, "I don't like it". Since then I haven't had sex with him and I'm thinking of divorce.  He said he didn't mean it that way and he just wasn't in the mood.  He has since tried to have sex with me, but I refuse.  How can I forgive and forget such a terrible statement like that and move on with him or not!
 
October 14, 2005, 7:41 am CDT

Relationship Rescue

Quote From: helppls

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have two great children, 12 and 10. Compared to a lot of other husbands, my husband is wonderful and our marriage has hope but I feel as if I can't go on for another day.  

  

  I have a lot of emotional baggage from the earlier part of our marriage:  

  

  1. I found out that a mutual female friend was an ex-girlfriend by reading his diary. When I had asked about her while we were dating, he had claimed that she was just a friend. But it turns out, everyone knew except for me. I found out by reading his diary.   

   

  2. We also had to live with his parents for financial reasons in the first five years of our marriage. Initially, the promise was six months but we ended up staying there for a very long time before moving out. In some ways, it wasn't his fault but I still felt that he had let me down.  

  

  3. He doesn't provide me with a sense of security, both financial and emotional. He doesn't seem very responsible and seems to make decisions that threaten our well being like quitting a job without a financially viable option. Although I worked, I still felt burdened and insecure about our future. 

   

  4. I resent him because he has put me in a position where I had to shoulder financial responsibility for our family. I believe this has made me more aggressive and concerned about money which I dislike.  

  

  5. We've had problems with sex in the past and he has refused to seek help. The problem recurrs often and it looks like it will continue to plague our marriage in the future.   

   

 But despite all this, he is a wonderful person and very caring. He also listens and tries to make me happy but I find it hard to be happy because of these underlying issues. I really don't think it's a matter of letting go of emotional baggage but I have given up trying to work out the problems because when we try to talk, I end up hurting him and making him feel like a loser. So I have decided it's better not to deal with our  problems. And even if we do talk it over and feel better, the same issues come up again and again.
 
  I have tried to work things out on my own and read Relationship Rescue twice but it only convinces me that we probably won't be able to have a healthy, loving relationship again.  

Where do I go from here?
 

I'm interested about your last paragraph. How did RR convince you that you probably won't be able to have a healthy, loving relationship again? 

  

As I read your post one thing that Dr. Phil says in RR stands out to me. He says in one of the chapters (I don't have the book handy) that one of the things that hurts relationships is people dwelling on the negatives, on the problems. You sound like you have a solid foundation with a few things that you need to work through. So why dwell on the negatives so much? Why not relish the positives in your marriage and use those as a launching pad to see if the negatives lessen or go away over time. Obviously there is no guarantees but the point of RR is that you can only change YOU! By changing you then it may be possible to transform your relationship. 

 
October 14, 2005, 3:28 pm CDT

oh no

Quote From: lucky35

In the middle of making love, my husband stopped and said, "I don't like it". Since then I haven't had sex with him and I'm thinking of divorce.  He said he didn't mean it that way and he just wasn't in the mood.  He has since tried to have sex with me, but I refuse.  How can I forgive and forget such a terrible statement like that and move on with him or not!
Yeah I would be a little frustrated myself if that happened to me too!!!!!  His only response is that he just didn't want it right then?  So being so inconsiderate to you in that manner is ok in his eyes.  I am not sure about divorce talk at this point,  unless there is more to this than you have lead on.  BUT you need to let him know how OUT of line that was and why on Earth does he think  he has a right to behave in such a manner?  I would be heart breaken at first, then just simply Pissed off.  Sit down, talk about it, is there something else?   Good luck!
 
October 17, 2005, 7:59 am CDT

Update on my situation

Quote From: srbluvslab

Wow, this is right on the money. I recently realized that my wife had withdrawn her heart from me because I had been emotionally distant from her for a longtime. I am now on the path of trying to make amends and get our relationship back on track. She loves me deeply but is not in love with me. We are working through it and are reading Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue right now. The man is on the money in that book. 


For me it was an epithany. I sat bolt up right in bed one night, near paniced, that my wife was no longer in love with me. I could tell she had withdrawn but it became clear that night. She was still up working on the PC doing business stuff and I went and talked to her immediately. I am glad I came to the realization that I had driven her away by not supplying her needs before it was too late. Dr. Phil's book RR is a must read. 

Well it has been nearly 4 weeks since I had my big realization about how my wife was no longer in love with me and that I had to institute some big changes. We have been working through a lot of things and I am still reading and going through Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. Some major things have taken place in the course of the last 4 weeks. 

  

1st - I found out that she was chatting online with a guy she went to high school with. Most of the conversation was innocent but there was some inappropriate banter between them. He is married and has kids, but how happy he is in his marriage is questionable to. This really scared me bad and it makes me wonder if she has/had fallen for this guy. It has been nearly two weeks since this discovery and she immediately ended all communication with this person. 

  

2nd - Right before I found about #1, my wife and I had a discussion about her "lack of sexual attraction" to me. She let me know that she is not comfortable with passionate kissing with me right now. We hug, we hold hands, we give peck kisses, but there is no sexual energy. She says she believes that will come back in time as I continue to improve my treatment of her and I become plugged back into the relationship. 

  

3rd - Going back over some old correspondence we had when we were dating I realized that from very early on I was afraid that this would happen (her losing her feelings for me). She assured me that she felt more strongly about me than anybody else in her history. I guess it kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more I feared it happening the worst my behavior became and it brought about the very thing that I was afraid of. :( 

  

4th - Sometimes she seems to be making progress, like reaching over and taking my hand, or lying against me in bed. She says that it may take weeks, or months, before she gets back to the place she once was. Figuritout scared me in an earlier post when she talked about the point of no return. Is there such a thing and is my wife past it? 

  

So you see where we are. I have really tried to back off of the relationship discussions as she has grown weary of them. I am constantly seeking reassurance and answers to the myriad of questions that I have. She is not in a place to offer that reassurance or those answers right now. She has admitted to missing chatting with this "other" guy, and even said that she feels some resentment towards me because she "can't" communicate with him. I never forbid her from contacting him, but I voice my desire for her to end those conversations. I told her the choice was hers. She said that our marriage is important to her and she did it for the good of the marriage. 

  

I love her deeply. She is the most important thing in the world to me. Unfortunately over the last few years my actions haven't shown that. I have been at times very mean to her with grouchiness and short responses and looks of "why are you interrupting my TV watching/computer using/videogame playing/book reading/-insert activity here-". She felt unimportant because I would barely talk to her but would spend ours on the phone to friends and family. I know I've been a jerk and I have changed. This past month I have been on my best behavior and she has told me that it has been wonderful. However, I see no signs of her falling back in love with me, or her developing a sexual attraction to me again. She says she is still attracted to me, and finds me attractive, but her actions don't show it. 

  

I hope and I pray that one day she will fall back in love with me. She loves me and I know that but there is a difference in caring about someone and being in love with them. I really can't imagine my life without her and don't even want to consider life without her. She is everything to me and I don't want to lose her. 

 
October 17, 2005, 10:02 am CDT

oops

Quote From: lucky35

In the middle of making love, my husband stopped and said, "I don't like it". Since then I haven't had sex with him and I'm thinking of divorce.  He said he didn't mean it that way and he just wasn't in the mood.  He has since tried to have sex with me, but I refuse.  How can I forgive and forget such a terrible statement like that and move on with him or not!

it was very insensitive of your husband to do what he did. im sorry you had to go through that.  i hear the same reasoning from my husband of "i didnt mean it that way"; perhaps your husband cant express himself properly or appropriately.  It is understandable after this thoughtless comment you do not "feel in the mood".  

  

As far as forgiving goes, this is what worked for me; early in our marriage after a "problem", although he was sad he had hurt me and was tiptoeing around, i decided what i needed to "forgive", and made it know to my husband..... once he took the steps to show his remorse, I forgave him and let it go.   

  

Good luck to you and take care 

 
October 17, 2005, 7:15 pm CDT

Lost

  

   Hi, Me and my husband have been together 6 years and married for 4. I don't seem to know what the problem is. We go through these phases of a lot of sex and then none for awhile. Sometimes I look at him and he is the sexiest man I know but sometimes I think what the hell! Is this normal? we have had our problems in the past and I think we are getting over them. I guess my question i, how do you get the spark back when you have 2 small children, jobs, a house, and not enough money for a sitter. Any advice? 

 
October 17, 2005, 7:35 pm CDT

Frustrated

Hello,  

I have been married going on 9 years.  Whenever my husband and I have sex it for the most part is good.  My problem is..... He never initiates.  He almost always falls asleep on the couch after eating and watching tv.  I go to bed alone.  He sleeps deep and has to get up in the morning early for work.  I of course am an eveing person , he is a morning as far as sex.  He never tries to stay awake and come upstairs to engage in foreplay or just holding each other.  I try to keep myself attractive and still not much interest shown.  I understand that part of the problem is due to work, and the kids but when I confronted him about it he laid all the blame on me.  He is making jokes to his friends that I never "give it up" and told me that he is always ready and it is up to me when I want it.  Am I just nuts or don't women need to feel wanted ?  Need some foreplay sometimes?  I told him it takes two, he said nope, the way he sees it , that it is all in my court . I am frustrated and it is not making me want to try harder , just makes me feel bad. 

 
October 18, 2005, 10:23 am CDT

ball?

Quote From: jean36

Hello,  

I have been married going on 9 years.  Whenever my husband and I have sex it for the most part is good.  My problem is..... He never initiates.  He almost always falls asleep on the couch after eating and watching tv.  I go to bed alone.  He sleeps deep and has to get up in the morning early for work.  I of course am an eveing person , he is a morning as far as sex.  He never tries to stay awake and come upstairs to engage in foreplay or just holding each other.  I try to keep myself attractive and still not much interest shown.  I understand that part of the problem is due to work, and the kids but when I confronted him about it he laid all the blame on me.  He is making jokes to his friends that I never "give it up" and told me that he is always ready and it is up to me when I want it.  Am I just nuts or don't women need to feel wanted ?  Need some foreplay sometimes?  I told him it takes two, he said nope, the way he sees it , that it is all in my court . I am frustrated and it is not making me want to try harder , just makes me feel bad. 

Talking about the ball being in your court....well tell him there are no balls to be Seen! hee hee bad joke!  Anyhow, you are right, you need him to show he is interested.   Talk to him again, and let him know that you need his love to show through physically as much as mentally.  You too need to take some extra measures as well.  Wake HIM up when he falls asleeps on the couch and tell him hey come to bed and I will make it worth it....and take his hand and lead him in there.  What about him excerising at nights so he can have more energy?  Talk this out because it can become a bigger issue in the marriage and it's very repairable. But you too have to contribute more even if it means you have to give more than you get in return.  Sorry but good luck. 

 
October 18, 2005, 10:23 am CDT

put the kids to bed?

Quote From: serene

  

   Hi, Me and my husband have been together 6 years and married for 4. I don't seem to know what the problem is. We go through these phases of a lot of sex and then none for awhile. Sometimes I look at him and he is the sexiest man I know but sometimes I think what the hell! Is this normal? we have had our problems in the past and I think we are getting over them. I guess my question i, how do you get the spark back when you have 2 small children, jobs, a house, and not enough money for a sitter. Any advice? 

How old are the children?  The kids not matter what age can be put to bed at a decent time , so the two of you can work on being husband and wife rather than mom and dad all the time.  A healthy family doesn't work if there is not a healthy marriage behind it.  You too need to have some fun together.  Buy something sexy to wear, light some candles and put those darn kiddies to bed.  Take advantage of the night time.  I would rather be tired in the morning, knowing I had A geat evening with the love of my life the night before.  That enough will get me through the day! 
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | Next | Last