Topic : Sex

I'm interested about your last paragraph. How did RR convince you that you probably won't be able to have a healthy, loving relationship again? 

As I read your post one thing that Dr. Phil says in RR stands out to me. He says in one of the chapters (I don't have the book handy) that one of the things that hurts relationships is people dwelling on the negatives, on the problems. You sound like you have a solid foundation with a few things that you need to work through. So why dwell on the negatives so much? Why not relish the positives in your marriage and use those as a launching pad to see if the negatives lessen or go away over time. Obviously there is no guarantees but the point of RR is that you can only change YOU! By changing you then it may be possible to transform your relationship. 

Well it has been nearly 4 weeks since I had my big realization about how my wife was no longer in love with me and that I had to institute some big changes. We have been working through a lot of things and I am still reading and going through Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. Some major things have taken place in the course of the last 4 weeks. 

1st - I found out that she was chatting online with a guy she went to high school with. Most of the conversation was innocent but there was some inappropriate banter between them. He is married and has kids, but how happy he is in his marriage is questionable to. This really scared me bad and it makes me wonder if she has/had fallen for this guy. It has been nearly two weeks since this discovery and she immediately ended all communication with this person. 

2nd - Right before I found about #1, my wife and I had a discussion about her "lack of sexual attraction" to me. She let me know that she is not comfortable with passionate kissing with me right now. We hug, we hold hands, we give peck kisses, but there is no sexual energy. She says she believes that will come back in time as I continue to improve my treatment of her and I become plugged back into the relationship. 

3rd - Going back over some old correspondence we had when we were dating I realized that from very early on I was afraid that this would happen (her losing her feelings for me). She assured me that she felt more strongly about me than anybody else in her history. I guess it kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more I feared it happening the worst my behavior became and it brought about the very thing that I was afraid of. :( 

4th - Sometimes she seems to be making progress, like reaching over and taking my hand, or lying against me in bed. She says that it may take weeks, or months, before she gets back to the place she once was. Figuritout scared me in an earlier post when she talked about the point of no return. Is there such a thing and is my wife past it? 

So you see where we are. I have really tried to back off of the relationship discussions as she has grown weary of them. I am constantly seeking reassurance and answers to the myriad of questions that I have. She is not in a place to offer that reassurance or those answers right now. She has admitted to missing chatting with this "other" guy, and even said that she feels some resentment towards me because she "can't" communicate with him. I never forbid her from contacting him, but I voice my desire for her to end those conversations. I told her the choice was hers. She said that our marriage is important to her and she did it for the good of the marriage. 

I love her deeply. She is the most important thing in the world to me. Unfortunately over the last few years my actions haven't shown that. I have been at times very mean to her with grouchiness and short responses and looks of "why are you interrupting my TV watching/computer using/videogame playing/book reading/-insert activity here-". She felt unimportant because I would barely talk to her but would spend ours on the phone to friends and family. I know I've been a jerk and I have changed. This past month I have been on my best behavior and she has told me that it has been wonderful. However, I see no signs of her falling back in love with me, or her developing a sexual attraction to me again. She says she is still attracted to me, and finds me attractive, but her actions don't show it. 

I hope and I pray that one day she will fall back in love with me. She loves me and I know that but there is a difference in caring about someone and being in love with them. I really can't imagine my life without her and don't even want to consider life without her. She is everything to me and I don't want to lose her. 

it was very insensitive of your husband to do what he did. im sorry you had to go through that.  i hear the same reasoning from my husband of "i didnt mean it that way"; perhaps your husband cant express himself properly or appropriately.  It is understandable after this thoughtless comment you do not "feel in the mood".  

As far as forgiving goes, this is what worked for me; early in our marriage after a "problem", although he was sad he had hurt me and was tiptoeing around, i decided what i needed to "forgive", and made it know to my husband..... once he took the steps to show his remorse, I forgave him and let it go.   

Good luck to you and take care 

   Hi, Me and my husband have been together 6 years and married for 4. I don't seem to know what the problem is. We go through these phases of a lot of sex and then none for awhile. Sometimes I look at him and he is the sexiest man I know but sometimes I think what the hell! Is this normal? we have had our problems in the past and I think we are getting over them. I guess my question i, how do you get the spark back when you have 2 small children, jobs, a house, and not enough money for a sitter. Any advice? 

Hello,  

I have been married going on 9 years.  Whenever my husband and I have sex it for the most part is good.  My problem is..... He never initiates.  He almost always falls asleep on the couch after eating and watching tv.  I go to bed alone.  He sleeps deep and has to get up in the morning early for work.  I of course am an eveing person , he is a morning as far as sex.  He never tries to stay awake and come upstairs to engage in foreplay or just holding each other.  I try to keep myself attractive and still not much interest shown.  I understand that part of the problem is due to work, and the kids but when I confronted him about it he laid all the blame on me.  He is making jokes to his friends that I never "give it up" and told me that he is always ready and it is up to me when I want it.  Am I just nuts or don't women need to feel wanted ?  Need some foreplay sometimes?  I told him it takes two, he said nope, the way he sees it , that it is all in my court . I am frustrated and it is not making me want to try harder , just makes me feel bad. 

Talking about the ball being in your court....well tell him there are no balls to be Seen! hee hee bad joke!  Anyhow, you are right, you need him to show he is interested.   Talk to him again, and let him know that you need his love to show through physically as much as mentally.  You too need to take some extra measures as well.  Wake HIM up when he falls asleeps on the couch and tell him hey come to bed and I will make it worth it....and take his hand and lead him in there.  What about him excerising at nights so he can have more energy?  Talk this out because it can become a bigger issue in the marriage and it's very repairable. But you too have to contribute more even if it means you have to give more than you get in return.  Sorry but good luck.