Quote From: firebomb
I was not sure where to put this and i am new to the boards so forgive me...but I had to write somewhere...my hubby and I were having a "discussion" last night and some things came up...and he was complaining about me not wanting to have sex with him very often and so he came in and told me to take all our toys and throw them away!! there is more that happened in the conversation before this was ever said....but he said that he thought that bringing the toys into the relationship would make sex better between the two of us and would make me want it more.....so I came and out and ripped him a new one and told him that if we had the toys because he wanted to make it better that was not going to happen...and then I finally came out and told him that it is not like that for people have been raped....we have been married for going on 6 years and he never knew anything about all that...I thought that it was in my past and just needed to stay there...I was afraid even after I said something to him that he would see me as damaged goods and be done with it...but I know in my heart that is not true....
he has what I think is an addiction to porn and we talked about that but did not get very far...I just told him that I would appreciate it if he would not do it right under my nose...that at least he could do it when I was not around...he made the comment that at least is not out getting it somewhere else and that is true...I told him that he was too good of a man to do that to me.....
I just wonder if I did the right thing in telling him bc that is just one more thing that he has to deal with...i would love to have a good sex life with him but it is just something that i am not interested in and i do not know why....just not a priority of mine...
can someone give me some insight????
Hi Fire...
First of all I am flattered that you thought enough of my reply to another person to ask my opinion. I promise to not be cavalier with your feelings and the problems in your relationship...although my vernacular might not always seem that way.
Recently my car was having trouble with the transmition. Is the transmition what makes the car run? Is it the most important part of the car? Is it more important than the engine? ...Well none of those answers really matter because regardless, the car won't function without all of its nessarary compnents.
Much is the same with Sex and marriage. You can argue until you are blue in the face about its "importance" in relation to other components ....but nevertheless no marriage can function in a healthy, loving way without it. So in that regard, it is as important as anything else in your marriage. So this is an important issue that needs to be straightened out NOW.
(Remember, this is the world according to Richard, not gospel)
You and he need to begin with a dialouge about your rape. He is your husband, and hopefully your confidant. An *INTERDEPENDANT* marriage is one that exist to support each other, and address everything as a TEAM. This is no longer just your issue. It is now both of your issue, and before you can move on in a sexual loving relationship, you have to meet this head on, together. After all, the sexual relationship you want involves both of you, right? This is priority, and everything else is predicated on how the two of you weather this storm.
Once that is at a point where you feel comfortable as a team...(it may be a while, dont rush this)......
No one is wrong for having feelings. Not you, not him. You only become at fault when you try to IMPOSE your feelings unwillingly on each other. You are way ahead of the game in that you have already started (what seems to be an honest) dialouge about sex. That is great. Now you have to do it without fighting. You need to see if the two of you can find where you can both exist sexually and comfortably with each other. Most people fear the reaction from their spouse and never have the courage to begin this dialouge. It is ecsential though. Try to tremember that he has a right to his feelings as well, and he has sexual needs that are important.
Hopefully the two of you can find the right balance to have great, loving sex. It is as important as anything else. best of luck.
