Topic : Sex

Dr  Phil I have been married for almost 10 years, I am more stressed than happy, my husband drinks approx 4-6 beers a night, sometimes more, I get so disgusted when he drinks.  I have such 

resentment towards him because he drinks.  I don't want him touching me, I refuse to have sex when he drinks.  I have told him that I will not have sex with him when he is drinking and he just 

replies "whatever" and drinks anyway.  I feel like he is choosing his alcohol over being intimate with me.  We never kiss during sex and he refuses oral sex on me.  He is a great father and hard worker 

otherwise, and we don't fight (except over above problem).  We don't have anything in common.  He refuses counceling so that is out of the question.  When I tell him how I feel or what I need he takes it as a insult on his lovemaking.  I am starving emotionally and spiritually.  Do I stay like this forever or leave now, I am only 31 years old.  Can it get better.  I know you'll say if he works with me on this problem it can get better, but he won't work with me.  Not sure if I can go forever without kissing or oral sex.  Help me. 

I met my husband when I was just 16 he was turning 21and we hit if off right away....however 6months later I was pregnant, he was over the moon and I was in the middle, I had feelings of happiness and feelings of dissapointment in my self.. 

But we both have loving and supportive parents and we got through it with their help. it has been a long hard road but 2 and a half yrs down the track (yes I am only 19) we are married. 

We done it in our own time because we were in love NOT because we have a baby together.  

Our little Girl was our flower girl and 19th of march this year was the happiest day of our lives...we have been in love since we first layed eyes on one another...he is my best friend and sole mate and even though I put on a few pounds through my pregnancy (by a few I mean 60 but have lost around 20 kgs with only 10 to go) he still finds me beautiful and healthy and doesnt even comment about other women or make nasty comments about my body, I guess because of this the SEX IS GREAT!!! when our toddler is having a nap we have out special time and he trys so hard to please me that it usually ends in 1 hour of forplay and great sex after that..... 

I am truly blessed to have such an understanding and gorgeous husband that does all he can to please me and make me feel beautiful. 

Im turning 20 next month and hes going on 25..we have been together for almost 4 yrs and every day feels like the first day we met, I still get butterflys in my tummy hearing the car pull in the drive way when he gets home from work.....hes my ANGEL xox 

We are now trying for baby number 2...no luck as yet but its only the first month but hes so supportive and hey, isnt trying half the fun!!! 

Rose85, thank you for your encouraging story. Sometimes this place can be a real downer with the litany of awful stories. It is good to hear that it is possible to keep that special feeling alive well into a marriage. 

My wife knows I read and post this board, but she refuses to come out here because she gets so depressed reading the downer stories. I have quit sharing them with her as well. Anyway, you can read my story in the pages proceeding this, but in a nut shell I was a jerk, she withdrew emotionally, and now we are working at trying to find that emotional, physical and sexual reconnection. I am reading Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil, and am almost done. She started it a year and a half ago and is only about 1/2 way through with no real motivation to finish. I guess that is just another indicator of her current emotional state. 

She did get up and make me breakfast this morning so there are signs of life! :) I love her immensely and would die without her. I now get those butterfly feelings in my stomach when I see her after being apart. Unfortunately that is not there for her right now. I pray to God everyday for patience and understanding. 

Thanks again and congrats on achieving the ultimate in a marriage! 

I'm not Dr Phil, but I will give you my take on your situation. First of all he is choosing alcohol over you, and if alcohol is causing problems in your personal life, you have an alcohol problem. He probably gets what you are telling him, but if he can take the focus off his drinking and place it on something else, his love making, then he feels better about himself. 

Any sexual  act shared should be of consent from both. If he is getting lazy, as many men will do if you allow it, let him know you are not going to take care of his needs if he can't take your  feelings/needs into consideration as well. I would never advocate withholding sex for punishment, but the wonderful thing about making love SHOULD be pleasing your partner. Getting your own needs taken care of is only icing on the cake. 

Communications are the cornerstone of any relationship, and you need to find a time when he is sober, and sit down and talk to him about how the situations are in your eyes, and don't sound condescending or placing blame. When asking questions, don't ask things where he can give short yes and no answers. Make your questions open ended. When I am discussing anything with a friend, I personally, go over what I think the conversation  will sound like and try to think of responses would be and know how I would reply. This gives me an edge to not later think wow I wished I had thought to say this or that. 

I can understand your last comment. I would not want to go the rest of my life without the same things, and if you can't reach an agreement with him, and want to decide to move on. There are plenty of men out there that would love to please you, love you, and respect you.  

I hope this helps. Good luck, and great sex! 

I just want to point out that generalizations are not a good way to approach some of these things. True lots of men have fragile egos, but not all men. I wanted to know all of my wife's past experiences, because like she explained, that taught me about her and who she was. I agree that in this case her husband sounds like he has a fragile ego. However, he also seems to have problems communicating and expressing himself. I think she nailed it when she said he was uptight about sex. I wonder if he has something in his past that is causing this. Maybe he was molested as a child, or a young adult. He may have more underlying issues that he is trying to hide. 

Just another perspective. 

I just think you are right, there is nothing wrong with discussing past relationships, as long as you can use open communication, and remember it is all in the past. I feel like my husband and I have resolved the issue now. He came clean with the truth, and told me what I needed to know. He was embarrassed about this girl, she searched him out, and he was'nt really interrested, other than sex. But anyway, after a week, of  pondering about the whole lie thing, I  got more and more upset. I was able to bring the topic up again, and discuss about the things that were said during the heated argument. I was told during the heated argument, that it was'nt my business, in which made my heat index rise about 75%, with the lie being 35%, which made the whole thing much bigger to me. Anyway, I told him that we had talked about honest, trust, and committment in our pre-marital months, and I  thought being "whole, and being one". was all about being honest with eachother. He agreed with me, and said he was very sorry that he lied about this, and it would never happpen again. He believed by bringing up the past, that it would only hurt our relationship. I told him, we had talked about the past in alot of different ways, his x, my x. So why the lie now? It really all did'nt ever make any since to me, cause he left out alot of details, and lied about the sex. I told him I did'nt want the horey gorey details, but it made me understand why he lied, by when he said he was embarrassed about telling me. It is over now, thank God! But I fear, I will get mad at him again, when we go to this place, and she tries to flirt or whatever she will do, I don't know. I trust him, that's all that matters, but I can see her doing something when I am not around.  Should I be nice to her, or just be rude, if she tries something. Should i say something to her,  or just let him take care of  it. He is too nice, to tell her off, I believe. But me on the other hand, will say exactly what I think, but I am a nice person, until someone steps on me. Some women simply don't care if a guy is married or not. This desturbs me. I know some guys are the same way. But my husband and me do not mess around, and would never. I just don't know how to act around her, nice, ignore her, what? I know one thing for sure, My EYES are Wide OPen. Any suggestions?  

I usually never respond to people's criticisms of my advice that I was not writing to, because it is only advice, and one can take it or not.  

If you reread my post I started it off "Most" men, not all men, and I gave advice how she could attempt to communicate with her husband to ease into things. Yes molestation can cause problems, but many other things can as well such as ED, which men can find too embarrassed to admit to. Low libido due to low testosterone levels, which medication can help, and hundreds of other things as far as that goes. 

Hmmm, can't really answer that. I can't say that if my wife had done what you did that I would react in the same way because I would have had Playstation put away faster than you can say boo. 

I have the opposite problem however. My wife has recently informed me that she doesn't think she can ever do that again. It's been several years so I think I can handle going without that specific act for the rest of my life, but I do reminisce about when we did those kinds of things. 

Ironically, my wife doesn't want to discuss relationship issues right now. I put that on the same level as a man not wanting sex (in any variety). Most women would kill for a guy that is crazy about them and wants to discuss how to make their relationship better. 

So I guess our dilemmas are similar.