Topic : Sex

My hhusband and I have been married for 30 years.  Three weeks ago he told me he didn't think he was in love with me any more and he thought he was in love with my sister.  He said he didn't have an affair with her and she has done nothing to make him feel this way and that she might not know his feelings for her.    

My sister and I have been very very close. She lives next door so we do everything together we even plan our meals together, her and her husband and me and my husband would have dinner together 4 or 5 nights a week.  

I went to my sister about what my husband had told me.  she then informed me that she was in love with him too, and always has been.    

Nether one of them think I should act any different about it.  But It just about killed me. I feel so betrayed by both of them, hurt, angry, confused, and an emotional wreck for these past few weeks. and I am trying to get on with my life with him but I'm finding it hard to trust him with my soul again.    

This is what he told me the problem was:  I didn't come to him for sex he always had to come to me. That he thought I just wanted a companion and not a husband.  And we stopped talking.  

For me:  He didn't give me enough attention, and that he didn't talk to me anymore.  I told him this many many times, and told him how he could show me more attention. But it seemed he didn't care about it or it was not important to him.  So it started feeling like he only wanted me for sex. So I started sleeping in the den sometimes, and not going to bed at the same time, avoiding sex, I use to turn him down but I knew that hurt him so I stooped, and I just excepted the way it was.  

We have talked things though and he says he wants to try to make things work.  

I've been doing my part in all of this, but it seems that he is not willing to work on his part of the deal.  He does kiss and hug  me before he leaves and comes home from work, and tells me he loves me,  but thats about it until we go to bed. And I can feel him pulling away at times because he doesn't want to deal with the painful stuff. or any of it. It just feels like he wants me to do all the work here and him do nothing.   

He just doesn't get what I need from him.  He never complements me, or helps me around the house. His options are important to me.   

For instance: I told him that I was thinking about cutting my hair, and ask him if that would be alright with him.  He said you know I like your hair long but you can cut it if you want to.  I said no I didn't know if he still liked it long any more because you haven't told me that in 15 years or more.  He said why do I have to tell you, you should know.   

We had a good marriage I am in love with my husband we've known each other since we were little kids and had crushes on each other.  

How do I get my husband to open up to me more?  Am I suppose to act like nothing is wrong?  am I driving him away by talking to much about our problems? I still love my sister allot and want her in my life, Is that the right thing to do?   should I leave, should I stay ?  

Hi! 

I don't think you said really what the problem with your spouse is? Is there abuse? Physical or mental? You said he is jelous, and won't let you have friends. There is certainly a problem there. Dr. Phil always says, if there is physical or mental abuse, that is a deal breaker. That means, if you are going through any physical or mental abuse, you need to leave your home. You and your husband must get into counseling to save your marriage. I was in this same circumstance with my last marriage. I stayed with him for many years. I finally got my head on straight. I went back to school so I could support myself and my kids. You are going to have to go back to school, and get an education, if you want to make it in this world. It is so hard. My heart goes out to you. I know how you must feel. I was depressed, lonely, and co-dependent for many years. I am no longer that way. I can support myself. But i got remarred last year, and I married a wonderful man. I did'nt know i could ever have a partner in life, that would be by myside through it all. You can be happy. It takes alot of changes. It takes changing yourself. You are going to have to find something you like to do, and go back to school. I did'nt have the money either. I had to apply for grants, scholarships, money from family, whatever. You have to do it for you! Me and my x would split up for days, weeks, months, and always wind back up together. What a big mistake. It hurt. I loved him, wanted to change him. I got really comfortable, in being alone, and very unhappy. I talked to God daily, in what I should do. He showed me that life could be better, if I was willing. You can think of all the excuses in the world, and you come back to knowing how unhappy you are. I walked, I walked like forest Gump. I walked and talked to myself and God. I found I really like to walk alot. I walked until I figured out all of my problems. Did'nt mean I could change my partner, I could'nt . He was hooked on drugs, friends, everything but me. Don't know if drugs are involved in your situation, but whatever it is , you need help. I am reaching out my hand to you...............grab it.......... and listen. You are a special person. God created you. He did not want you to live unhappy. God wants us to be happy. There is a way, if you look around. Things can look pretty dark and grey sometimes.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel. You need to talk to a counselor. Have you? Is your marriage worth saving? Maybe it is, maybe not. What makes you happy. You sound co-dependent. Do you count on your husband to make you happy? Do you isolate yourself from the world, because of your husband and your depression? I think that answer is yes. You need to get away from him if there is abuse. Ask yourself, what do you want? Maybe you guys just need counseling. I don't know everything or if you are going through abuse. The past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. YOu just can't change people. Remember you can only change yourself. If there is abuse, and you do leave him. Yes, you will be depressed, lonely. But you get busy. You get busy helping yourself. Keep a diary, write in it. Write your feelings down in it daily. This will help you. I kept a diary for years. When I divorced my husband stold my diary. He read all of the horrible feelings I had. Did'nt matter, because it helped me to heal, by writing in it. You need to talk to people. Your counselor, pastor. Get involved with something. Like church. People can help you, but most of help during this time of people listening to you, you are healing. It took along time for me to heal. But I did it. It is possible. Apply for assistance. Go to a low income housing area, and apply for some housing. Can you get Welfare? It is there to help you until you get on your feet. Can you go live with a family member. I know it is hard, it will be for awhile, but in the end it is worth it. I talked for years to people, family about my problems....but I lived it. Do something, do something today, that will help you. Don't wait 20 years, like I did. I wasted alot of years. But I am so much better now. There is help, just reach out for it and it will come. It is possible. In your head, you may be building your own walls. Telling yourself you are doomed. That you have to live this way. I am telling you, you change change your own destiny. It takes action!!!!!! You won't regret it. I know you like your son to come and stay with you. But is it in his best interest, when you are so depressed. Can he stay with his dad until you get better emotionally. It may be better for him to stay where he is right now. If you don't have the money to support him. Sometimes, you do what is best for you, and by doing this, it is best for your kids too. Good Luck to you. I hope you write back. I won't be able to write back today, but I will check this tomorrow. I have to go to work. I work 2 jobs, my choice. I want to get ahead in this world. I am a nurse. I had alot of help getting to where I am. I love my job, I take care of people. It's not easy. It's what God put me here to do. I get discouraged, with all the regulations. Sometimes I feel like I am taking care of charts, rather than people. But I know if I can help one person, I am doing what I was put on this earth to do. I started out, taking care of people in their homes, before I became a nurse. It's not for everyone. You have to be caring, have alot of patience. It's not always good, but most of it is. I earned my degree by dedication, alot of hard work. God's help. Take care! djewel 

I'm so sorry!  That must be horrible for you.  I hope that the doctors will be able to give you more specifics on this and I  hope your husband will lighten up a little.  Your husband doesn't sound very compasionate.  I understand about being tired, I have two little ones, and I don't think it would help me if my husband was like that.  Have you talked to him about it?  I really don't know what else to say, except that I hope that your cancer is not back and that you are healthy and happy.  I know it's easier for me to say this because I am not in your position, but I do hope that everything will be alright with you.  Your health comes first, that's more important right now, don't you think?   

Elffie 

I HAD A RESPONSE ALL WRITTEN OUT AND SOMEHOW LOST IT SO HERE'S THE SHORT OF IT   

THIS IS MY 3RD MARRIAGE. THE 1ST (KIDS FATHER) WE MUTUALLY SPLIT, WERE GOING IN 2 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. A FEW YEARS LATER HE REVEALED HE WAS GAY- OK NOT A PROBLEM, I WASN'T PUT HERE TO JUDGE, WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT!!   

MY 2ND HUSBAND, WAS THE BEST PERSON I HAD EVER MET, BUT WE WERE ALCOHOLICS. DRANK EVERYDAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW I MADE IT TO WORK THE NEXT DAY SOMETIMES. I HAD PRAYED TO NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC ANYMORE. WE WERE TOGETHER FOR A TOTAL OF 6 YEARS, MARRIED ABOUT 2 OF IT. WE WERE HAVING PROBLEMS AND KNEW IT WASN'T GOING TO WORK. I MET MY CURRENT HUSBAND, HE DIDN'T DRINK AND SEEMED TO DO A LOT OF ACTIVITIES. HE LIVED IN ANOTHER STATE AND WE STARTED TALKING ON HIS ROUTE AND EVENTUALLY HOOKED UP AFTER ABOUT 8 MONTHS. I TRANSFERRED MY JOB TO HIS HOME STATE AND WE STARTED "PLAYING HOUSE" WE BOUGHT A HOUSE AND THINGS WERE GOOD TIL HE QUITE HIS GREAT PAYING JOB (WHICH HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED ANYWAY(NOT BECAUSE HE WAS DOING ANYTHING WRONG BUT BECAUSE OF STANDING UP FOR A CAUSE) HE WENT TO A LOWER PAYING JOB AND WE WERE BARELY MAKING ENDS MEAT. HE STARTED WORKING 2 JOBS, GETTING 4 HOURS SLEEP AND THAT'S WHEN HE CLAIMS THE BEDROOM STARTED SUFFERING, I THOUGHT HE NEEDED HIS SLEEP, HE SAYS HE NEEDED THE SEX!!! GO FIGURE. HE STARTED GETTING MEANER AND MEANER, WHICH HOW CAN YOU FIND ANYONE ATTRACTIVE WHEN THEY ACT LIKE AN ASS!  EVENTUALLY I LEFT AND MOVED BACK IN WITH MY FAMILY IN ANOTHER STATE( WHICH TRULY SUCKED, SEEING HOW I DON'T REALLY LIKE MY MOM- WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY) ANYWAY HE CONTACTED ME, WE TALKED HE APOLOGIZED AND SAID HE WOULD CHANGE, LOVED ME SO MUCH HE WOULD MOVE TO WHERE I WAS- AND DID. HE STARTED HIS OWN TRUCKING BUSINESS- DID GOOD, BUT MY FAMILY WAS CONSTANTLY INTERFERRING AND MY HUSBAND DIDN'T LIKE MY DAD BECAUSE HE DRANK ALOT. DURING THIS TIME WE GOT MARRIED. ALMOST A YEAR LATER HE LEFT BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TAKE THE DRAMA ANYMORE AND OF COURSE LIKE A LITTLE PUPPYDOG I FOLLOWED A MONTH LATER. MY DAUGHTER STAYED  WITH MY FAMILY TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND MY SON WENT TO HIS DAD'S ( THE FIRST TIME EVER MY SON HAD BEEN AWAY FROM ME). WE MOVED BACK TO HIS HOME STATE WITH NO KIDS, JUST HIM AND I. FOR A WHILE WAS GOOD UNTIL HE STARTED ACCUSING ME OF HAVING A CRUSH IN HIS FATHER, BECAUSE WHENEVER I SAW HIS DAD I GAVE HIM A HUG, AT CHURCH, FAMILY FUNCTIONS, ETC.....MY ONLY FATHER FIGURE, MINE LIVED IN ANOTHER STATE!!!   

WE JUST STARTED FIGHTING MORE AND MORE AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE HE HAD ACCUSED ME OF HAVING A CRUSH ON HIS FATHER.  IN JANUARY I RENTED A ROOM FROM A FRIEND OF MINE AND RENTED IT THROUGH APRIL. I MOVED INTO IT FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS IN JAN. AND I FELT SO MUCH PEACE AND I KNEW IT, BUT HE CONTACTED ME, WE TALKED AND I CAME BACK HOME(STILL KEEPING THE ROOM)  IN FEB. I LEFT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, WE TALKED, I CAME BACK HOME. IN APRIL I LEFT FOR ABOUT A WEEK, HIM AND I TALKED, I CAME BACK HOME, A FEW DAYS LATER MY DAUGHTER SHOWED UP, BOOTED BY MY MOTHER. MY HUSBAND WAS JEALOUS OF HER BECAUSE I STAYED UP WITH HER ONE NIGHT INSTEAD OF GOING TO BED WHEN HE DID. HE APOLOGIZED FOR OVER REACTING THE NEXT DAY, BUT WAS TOO LATE BECAUSE IT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENEND TO BEGIN WITH. MY DAUGHTER AND I MOVED INTO A FRIENDS TRAILER IN MID MAY AFTER A WEEK OF BEING THERE AND THE REALITY OF WHAT IT WAS GOING TO COST I PANICED AND MY HUSBAND AND I TALKED AND WE MOVED BACK TO THE HOUSE, I MOVED OUT ON MY FRIEND WITH NO NOTICE, BUT THANK GOD HE IS STILL MY FRIEND, JUST TIRED OF THE BULLSHIT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. THIS ON AND OFF AGAIN CRAP. WELL HERE WE ARE FIGHTING AGAIN OVER ME, MY DAUGHTER, MY FRIEND AND  HER 2 KIDS GOING TO HER FATHER IN LAWS TO GO SWIMMING AND HER FATHER IN LAW SHOWING UP (GOD FORBID AT HIS OWN HOUSE) AND HELPING US TO CLEAN OUT THE POOL. MY FRIENDS FATHER IN LAW AND THE OWNER OF THE TRAILER IS THE SAME PERSON AND MY HUSBAND IS VERY JEALOUS OF HIM, BUT HE IS JEALOUS OVER EVERYONE SO THAT'S NOT REALLY ANYTHING NEW.  WE GOT HOME ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER THAN I THOUGHT WE WOULD AND SO ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE AGAIN.    

I THINK MY FRIEND WOULD LET ME MOVE BACK INTO THE TRAILER ONE MORE TIME, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY HIM 300 FOR THIS MONTH AND I'M BACK TO THE "SCARED I CAN'T FEED MY KIDS AND PAY MY BILLS"  STUFF AGAIN. I KNOW DEEP DOWN I WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.    

I ASKED MY AUNTS TO LOAN ME 3000 SO I COULD BUY A TRAILER OF MY OWN  AND IT NOT COST ME AS MUCH TO LIVE ON MY OWN, BUT NO ONE HAD IT AND THAT'S FINE.    

I AM IN COUNSELLING, BEING TREATED FOR DEPRESSION, ON WELLBUTRIN(MAX AMOUNT) BUT STILL FIND THAT LIFE SUCKS AND I AM SICK OF LIVING THIS WAY, BUT DON'T KNOW HOW TO ESCAPE.   

My hhusband and I have been married for 30 years.  Three weeks ago he told me he didn't think he was in love with me any more and he thought he was in love with my sister.  He said he didn't have an affair with her and she has done nothing to make him feel this way and that she might not know his feelings for her.    

My sister and I have been very very close. She lives next door so we do everything together we even plan our meals together, her and her husband and me and my husband would have dinner together 4 or 5 nights a week.  

I went to my sister about what my husband had told me.  she then informed me that she was in love with him too, and always has been.    

Nether one of them think I should act any different about it.  But It just about killed me. I feel so betrayed by both of them, hurt, angry, confused, and an emotional wreck for these past few weeks. and I am trying to get on with my life with him but I'm finding it hard to trust him with my soul again.    

This is what he told me the problem was:  I didn't come to him for sex he always had to come to me. That he thought I just wanted a companion and not a husband.  And we stopped talking.  

For me:  He didn't give me enough attention, and that he didn't talk to me anymore.  I told him this many many times, and told him how he could show me more attention. But it seemed he didn't care about it or it was not important to him.  So it started feeling like he only wanted me for sex. So I started sleeping in the den sometimes, and not going to bed at the same time, avoiding sex, I use to turn him down but I knew that hurt him so I stooped, and I just excepted the way it was.  

We have talked things though and he says he wants to try to make things work.  

I've been doing my part in all of this, but it seems that he is not willing to work on his part of the deal.  He does kiss and hug  me before he leaves and comes home from work, and tells me he loves me,  but thats about it until we go to bed. And I can feel him pulling away at times because he doesn't want to deal with the painful stuff. or any of it. It just feels like he wants me to do all the work here and him do nothing.   

He just doesn't get what I need from him.  He never complements me, or helps me around the house. His options are important to me.   

For instance: I told him that I was thinking about cutting my hair, and ask him if that would be alright with him.  He said you know I like your hair long but you can cut it if you want to.  I said no I didn't know if he still liked it long any more because you haven't told me that in 15 years or more.  He said why do I have to tell you, you should know.   

We had a good marriage I am in love with my husband we've known each other since we were little kids and had crushes on each other.  

How do I get my husband to open up to me more?  Am I suppose to act like nothing is wrong?  am I driving him away by talking to much about our problems? I still love my sister allot and want her in my life, Is that the right thing to do?   should I leave, should I stay ?  

I having been reading the post and I do not have an answer for anyone because I am having some of same issues with H. I am 50 and he is 45, we have been married for almost 5 years. I know the pain of rejection. the rejection is not coming to bed, never wanting to have sex, enjoying his friends more than me. I really do not know if I can be pleased sexually, Now. I am mad becasue we talked about this before we got married. That is making love at least 4X a week. I thought our lack of making love was because we had roomates. Now it proves not to be the case, we do not have children in the home.  In 1983 to almost 1993 I had an awesome relationship, my lover always satisfied me and I loved making love to him. I sometimes could kick myself for ending up in an almost sexless marriage. I feel as if with our roomates. I find it hard to be turned on when he does try to get some. I know it will only last about two minutes, I could scream. I was use to have sex at least twice in a night. Lets not mention when its raining, the windows up listening to nice music, he would rather play online chess with his buddy! I know how it feels to not get a kiss in months, just a brotherly hug. He could care less when I leave to visit my children, because it means that he does not have to try to pay attention to me. He called me while I was away for two weeks.....thought he might have missed me.  Called to ask about our tax return. 

I want to leave him, because he has really made my life miseriable. It is almost killing, my self esteem, so , much that I have started working out, at least when I leave I will be in shape.  I do not feel as if I can stay in the marriage for life.  He is as exciting as a rag doll, I hate it when he tries. Example.. come into the bedroom at 10pm and lay down with me , I asked him why because I have not been spending time with you (wife) and stay 30 minutes I ask where you going...basketball game coming on. We went on a cruise and he never onced made love to me.  Even on another trip in a foriegn country he went out with the boys and left me to myself until 3am. He never goes out in the states, if he does he will be in by 9.  I have been told to find a lover, because he has a low sex drive. He says he had his fun in his younger years and have nothing left.  Heck he only 45. I try to keep a smile on my face whenever (Jan.) we do go out.  

One day I was fipping through the TV and just so happen to see a X rated movie, I asked him if he had purchased the movie, he said yes, it was pretty good. UGGGG you would rather look at a fake woman he cannot give you anything, then to come to bed with a wanton wife. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH 

You sound like me, except you finally left.   I've been married 22 years, he had affairs after our 10th anniversary that I know about,  who knows what before that.   I haven't gotten past it either, and he of course doesn't understand.  Did your husband admit it or lie like mine?  I found him at one of his girlfriends at 3 a.m. and he still denied everything.  I, too, should have left then, but was so depressed nothing mattered.   I want out but don't have a way.  Now he's disabled and I'm really stuck.  We haven't had sex in years (literally, even before he was disabled)  because I quit giving in.   He said the same thing as your husband,  just stay and we don't have to have sex.  Yeah, right, until he was in the mood.  Then the mean came out of him.   My advice to you is if you're out, stay out.  I wish I had the guts to do it but I can't yet.   I understand your wanting a sexual relationship with someone else.  Mine thinks I hate men too.  He doesn't seem to get that it's not men in general, just him.   And I don't know if I hate him, I just don't love or even like him anymore.  It's a horrible place to be and you know it.  Why would you consider going back?   If nothing else, do it for all of us who can't do it for ourselves.  I would feel better knowing somebody made it out of this mess.  It might even give me hope that someday I can too.  You said you're 44.  I'm 40 so maybe in a few more years. haha     

Good luck and keep your head up and keep moving FORWARD.