Topic : Sex

HI,  

I am married to a wonderful man, he is my best friend.  He told me when we were first married sex was over rated... that hit me like a blow in the head.  I knew his dad was warped (had him in a threesome with his girl friend and  him, guess to make a "man" out of him, he was not even 15) and your dad is usually your role model, but he is not like that, not at all.  He is the kindest man, he would not hurt a flea or be cruel to anyone.  

We have been married 7 years and I have been very patient with him.  I try to wait until he is in the mood, but I don't think he ever really is.  I think the only reason he has sex with me is out of duty.  We are able to please each other almost every time and I think we are very fortunate for that.    

This year we have had sex 6 times, less than once a month.  I would be happy with once a week, I would really be happy with twice a week but would take twice a month and be very happy.  Really, I wouldn't mind it not being so often if I felt like he truly wanted me.  Truly wanted to make that union with me.  

I try to get him to talk about it, he finally said he had things in his head but he just couldn't get them out.  I have been patient and listening (instead of talking) but he does not want to talk about it.    

He did make the statement that our relationship couldn't just be about sex.  I agree 110%.  The ceiling fan was on in our room, I said, "Do  you see that fan"?  He said, "yes".  I told him if that fan got out of balance just a little but we continue to run it after a while that fan would wobble more and more, not because it started off so off balance but because we continued to use it that way".    

Still nothing, he works very hard and is always tired.  He is over weight and so am I, he gets very little exercise puts in extra time at work and comes home and does marketing for home based bushiness he is trying to get started.  He has time for what he puts first, I just don't happen to be it.  I have told him that but try to be kind in what I say.  

We enjoy hobbies together and spend most of our time together... we love to be together.  I feel like a dog waiting for a pat on the head.  I feel like he looks at me and thinks.... "good wifey, good wifey, now lay down and be a good girl and go to sleep".  I keep a clean house and work full time out of the house.  This is not a new problem... and the fan blade is really wobbling.  I feel it is just a matter of time until we are just room mates trying to live out our lives the best we can without hurting each other, and that is very sad.  

It sounds like you are married to a wonderful man, and I am sure he has some hidden pain that is not willing to share with you, not because he doesn't care, but because he is a male, and our egos are bigger than we would ever admit to being.  

   

If his father did what you are saying, you don't know what else may have gone on, that he keeps hidden to himself. There could be some deep dark secrets that you would be the last person he would ever want to share with,  because you are the one he wants to look up to him for support.  

   

Instead of him telling you, maybe you should try to talk to him about talking to someone else. You need to do this in a non-threatening way, where he does not feel judgment is being made of him in any way. This needs to not be brought up when sex may be an option of happening. Maybe at a dinner table or while sitting and listening to music or some time where he would not feel he is being under the gun, so to speak.  

   

Again, our egos are big, and we have been trained in our society to be without feelings, and crying is for women, and such. We have socialized our males to hold things inside, and not discuss such things. This, little by little is changing, but for many, it is  the ONLY way of life.   

   

His problems could be physical as well as emotional. Has he ever had problems with erectile dysfunction (ED)? If men have problems in that area, discussing it with the one they are making love with would not be easy. He could have a low testosterone level, which diminishes the sex drive as well.  

   

Talk to him,  again when there is no pressure, and ask him about going in for a check-up and get his testosterone levels checked, and talk to him about talking to his doctor about  how things are going in this area. If it is due to some sexual trauma, see if you could get him to go and at least talk to a therapist. Sometimes it is easier for men to tell a complete stranger, that they are not going to have to look in the face every day, if they think it may help, than it is to tell the one we trust and love with all our hearts.  

   

I hope this helps, and I hope it gives you some ideas. Good luck, and great sex!  

Hi everyone,  

   

This is my first time posting, and I'm seeking advice on a few issues.  I've been married for 2 years, together w/ my husband for 8 years.  I'm 26, he's 27.  Since I started dating (15 yrs old), I've had one consecutive boyfriend after another.  When one relationship ended, I was in another one right after.  So...I've never been alone, or at least not for long.  In addition to the fear of being alone, I can say that I've cheated on every person I've been w/.  I'm not sure why I do it.  Is it the excitement,  am I looking for something different?  I don't know.  I am currently in a relationship right now w/ a married man, it has been going on for almost a year now.  A few years back, I was in another relationship (for about 2 years)  at that point I was engaged, broke off the wedding, moved out, reconciled things w/ my husband-to-be and thought I learned my lesson and wouldn't stray again.  Well, I have.  My husband does not deserve "this".  To top things off, I am not sexually attracted to my husband.  I haven't been for years.  I have NO desire to have sex w/ him, and when I do, I can't wait for it to be over.  I am so disinterested in it.  He knows it.  It's something we've fought about for years.  At one point he wanted it every other day, and if we didn't, it would be a HUGE fight.  Then we came up w/ this "agreement" to once a week.  If we didn't do it on our scheduled day, he wouldn't fail to remind me, or remind me how long it's been since the last time we had intercourse.  He's made comments like "You're the wife, that's your responsibility" etc.  He's gotten better in the last 2 months, after a huge blow out fight and I said "wouldn't you rather have meaningful sex every few weeks, rather than sucky sex 1x a week"  he's been much much better since that comment.   But I still don't want to be intimate w/ him, I pretty much said it to get him off my back.  Every time he tries I pull away, I don't like it when he tries to get me in the mood.  It's been like this forever, it's not because I'm in the other relationship.  He says that I need to "try", I'm sorry, but either you're sexually attracted to someone or you're not.  I don't think it's fair for either of us to be in a marriage w/ the sexual issues we have.  The kicker is that he is extremely extremely attractive and I'm reminded of that everytime we're together and people comment on what a beautiful couple we are.  I really don't know what to do.  I'm sorry this is so long!  I've recently started seeing a counselor and I hope some of these ?'s can be answered.  I know if I ended things w/ my "boyfriend", someone else would probably come along.  I don't understand why I keep doing this and why I can't be sexually attracted to my husband.  I feel very empty w/ him and all he wants to do is make me happy and spend time together and he thinks everything is wonderful w/ us.  I should be grateful to have him in my life, but instead I'm confused about how I feel for him.    

Your husband deserves to be loved and wanted.  He married you!  He assumed you would be having sex with him, like normal married couples do.  You say he is attractive, well maybe you need to let him go if you don't love him?  BUT don't let him go based on you not being attracted to him.  You may have some deep issues within yourself.  But by all means, don't bring someone else into this problem that you have.  You have a responsbilty to you H, that is to love, respect and be intimate with him as well.  You can't marry him, say you are each others one and only's and then take it all away by telling him you don't want sex with him anymore.  That is just cruel, how do you think it makes him feel as person, he too had feelings.  You have issues to work out within each other. but mainly within yourself.   

----I am not sure if it is the excitement or not.  And if it is, don't play games with you husband.  He needs someone who needs him!  

This is my first time posting. I am suppose to be getting married in less than three weeks and I am so angry with my fiance, I don't want to have sex or even be close to him. He left for a weekend getaway bachelor party. I didn't like the idea but didn't put up a fight about it. When he came back two days later I told him not to tell me anything about the trip because I didn't want to hear anything I knew I wouldn't like. But of course he tells me anyway. They went to a strip club. Ok I expected that. He got a lap dance. Ok, thanks for being honest, but I wish you didn't tell me that. I think it is discusting and disrespectful, I start crying but tell him I will get over it. Then he tells me that they tried to get the strippers back to the cabin they rented. Oh my lord, are you kidding me!!! I am so furious! I don't know how to let this go. But now he is mad at me because I have negative feelings about the whole thing. Now I am really angry that he got a lap dance, oh but he says he didn't enjoy it. Whatever. How do I let this go and soon?

Did you tell him before he went that strippers were off limits? It sounds as if you didn't and you should have. I told my husband before we even got engaged that if he wanted to marry me, there would be no pornography and no strip clubs in his future and that included at his bachelor party. He still proposed and there was no bachelor party, probably because he knew his friends would plan one with strippers. It's a disgusting tradition and one that women need to start standing up to. It IS cheating to have another woman in your lap toucing you and rubbing up against you. I'm curious, were there married men at this party, men with wives at home? I'd be tempted to tell all their wives what these men were up to, especially the part about them trying to get the strippers to come home with them. Nothing good would have come of that and these wives need to know how their husbands behave when they're off together as a bunch of guys. As for you, unless you told him he couldn't have strippers at his bachelor party ahead of time, I think you're going to have to forgive him. You should however make it clear that he is never allowed to be anywhere near a strip club again and this includes at bachelor parties of friends. And if he can't agree to this, you'd be a fool to marry him. At any rate, I think you're letting him off too easy. He needs to see how serious this is and he needs to know that you're actually considering not marrying him over this. Otherwise, he'll just do it again. 

I told him I did not want him to be around strippers. He said that he couldn't prevent everyone wanting to go to a strip club and that is just what guys to on bachelor parties. So I tried to compromise. I said if they go there is to be no touching either way. No lap dances no getting on stage. If he has to go then he needs to respect me. Well, somebody else bought him the dance so he says what was I suppose to do about it. But to try and get them back to the cabin??? For what every man there was either married or engaged. He knew how I felt about it before he went. But that is just how bachelor parties are.

I can only tell you how I would respond. I wouldn't marry him because I would know that I would never be able to get past this and I would spend my life punishing him for it. So marrying him wouldn't be fair to me or him. I just can't believe you told him no strippers and he did it anyway. And this crap about "how could I refuse?" is just that . . . crap. There is a little tiny word that would have done the trick. NO! So what's to keep him now from frequenting strip clubs in the future or even cheating. He now knows that he can get away with it. He can even get away with breaking promises to you. Doesn't sound like much of a foundation for marriage. I would say that possibly the only thing that would be a big enough gesture for me under the circumstances would be for him to immediately cut off all contact with all of these guys who accompanied on his adulterous adventure. If that means uninviting them to the wedding, so be it. He would have to do something really big right now for me to be able to believe that he's willing to change and getting rid of his trashy friends would be a start.

You make a lot of sense. I do have to do something and now. Thank you for the advice.

1My husband and I have been married for 17 years.  About 10 years ago we tried the "swinging" and I got involved with someone that almost ruined my marriage.  Luckily we moved away and things got back to normal.  When we, being military for 12 years, finally moved home for good, we decided to try it again, but our marriage was not stable due to an affair that my husband had had.  First mistake I know.  We did it for awhile and I began to hate myself for it and got nothing out of it.  Now my husband wants to go to a club for swingers only and I don't want to.  He says if I loved him I would just try it once.  He also has "fantasies" he wants to have fulfilled.  I don't want to do it anymore but since I won't do the things he wants he wants to leave.  I love him with all my heart but I don't want to hate myself for doing something just to make him happy.  Am I wrong for this?  I need to talk to someone about this since I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends since they don't know anything about this other lifestyle.