Topic : Sex

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we are in our late 40's (47 & 46)  and for the most part have been happy.  When we first dated he liked me to wear pantyhose with the pantie cut out for intercourse.  I did not think too much of it but when I suggest having sex "normally" without anything fake he just clams up.  It has been that way for the entire length of our marriage.  I do not mind putting on clothes and stockings once in a while to heat things up, but EVERY time we have sex???!!!    Is this normal??  I know that it is some kind of fetish, but how do I get him to understand that I feel degraded to have to put on pantyhose every time we have sex.  So much for spontaneity.  Because of the prerequisite we have not had sex for periods of up to 6 months at a time.  We are now in our umtempth drought of about 4 months.  I have needs and desires, but I just am tired of having to put on pantyhose for sex. 

I would like to get other opinions from both guys and gals. 

Thanks

Hi Dancer...

No, it is not "normal" (damn I hate that word)...but moreover you are justified in your feelings. "throwing in a little kink" now and then is fine...even often...but every time? No. Everything that a couple brings into the bedroom MUST be consentual..

Now, take it from a guy...we are pathetically fragile when it comes to our egos and how we are perceived by the world. Sad but true. There is a possibility that he might be feeling his years, and he is grasping at his virility. He probabl;y is having trouble connecting these feelings  with the more rational part of his brain, and it manifests itself like this.

This is just a hypothesis...I dont know either of you, I am just going by the little information I have...

Now...You can try a few things, and I think you have come to the realization that NOT having sex isn't the answer. What turns *YOU* on. what would YOU like to do (other than just friday night in the missionary position with the lights out boring as hell romp in the hay)....Take control of your bedroom. You tell *HIM* what you want...he wants you to wear pantyhose? Well...whatever gets YOU turned on, implement THAT instead...

There is a good chance that what is more important than the panty hose to him, is the fact that you are still capables of this sort of thing. He probably wants to feel alive, and not like he is 47 and his sexual life is over. The best answer? Be Honest sexually, and be YOU...and never apologize for your feelings. The panty hose thing is just a really bad way of him letting you know that he wants more from you...Men can be pathetic....lol

is it about the ego?? or is it about knowing some one you truly love just doesn't love you enough?? enough to put their own egos aside to make us happy??  that isn't ego. it's part of marriage.  knowing marriage is team work. working together and putting the damn ego to the side. ego is one, means self. i got up this morning and thought, how did Dana reeve do it?? stayed married to a man who could not hold her, could not perform in the traditional sexual way.  but he, Christopher must have satisfied her some way.  and i thought i wish i could have that, be like that.  how does one reach that plane in a relationship???  stay married where there is no sex at all??? especially when the desire is there but there is one crucial element missing, a partner who wants to share the experience of the connection with you.  i won't have an affair, that goes against my belief system. divorce is not an option now.  i truly love this man with heart and soul.  to think i would find this love again is fairy tale stuff, and Cinderella i am not.  i guess the difficulty in this situation is knowing their ego, the partner who doesn't want, who can care less about your needs creates the rhythm of the relationship.  and you, the one who wants to have sex, to have the connection to another human being, gets nada.  so is it ego:?? you bet!!!!!  my issue is the ego that is being fulfilled is not mine, but his.  how do i deal with that??  in a heart beat, i could pick who i want to have an affair with, but it's not what i want.  i want to have an affair with him, my partner, the one i have grown up with, that went from an 18 year old sexy momma to a 50 year old sexy mom.  where do i grow from here without sex in the equation of marriage??  and please, don't tell me to get a hobby.  and finding the spiritual side of me, where sex no longer is an important component, I'll get there eventually.  bottom line, i am so pissed off, i just want him out of our bed.  the frustration of knowing this person who lies next to you has no desire for sex, has no desire to kiss or hold you, to have you near their body is a nuclear bomb, smashing your ego into minute particles of dust.  and the bad part, it happens night after night.  so you go to the bed anticipating the 'connection will happen, that connection that created your couple hood, that made no one else matter but this one person.  and you go to bed, newly shaved, freshly bathed, no sox, no flannels, cup your hand, check your breath.  all the things new couples do to bait that person who turns you on.  we all do that.  and the minute you get in the bed, you feel that glacier wall, that blueness of ice between you start to envelop you.  and the tension starts to grow, you feel the muscles strain but for all the wrong reasons.  and the ego of the person who doesn't want, wins yet again.  because they have no desire but to comfort their own ego.  and you sink into the pillow, put your own hand somewhere on your body, to feel some human contact anywhere at all.  go to sleep, frustration blocking dreams.  and the worse part, is you get up the next morning, to do it all over again.  because the ego of the one who has no room for you on their agenda, doesn't realize their ego is sucking the air out of your own.  damn it, i hate it, detest it, abhor that i am in this place.  a lightning bug stuck in a jar, thats how i feel. 

thanks, I know that it is not "normal", but when I suggest to have sex "my" way, natural and spontaneous he states that "you have put on a few pounds.  Sure I have, two children, working full time and transporting them leave little time for exercise.  I try, but he never acknowledges any accomplishments.  He is very selfish and apparently does not want to change.  I am at a loss right now.  I flirt and rub,but he shays away, unless I put on pantyhose.   He needed pantyhose 13 year ago, so age is not a factor for him.  I was always under the impression that when you love someone you love them for how they are.  I am not FAT, just gained 20 pounds over the years.    Then he wonders why we don't have a good sex life.

Why doesn't she want sex with you ( I am guessing you are a man?)  (By the way-you read alot of classics-I saw your email) Anyhoo-  Did something happen?   Did you do something to make her not want to have sex with her hubby-you?    Do you TRULY respect her?  Do you abuse her in any way?    Do you have good healthy hygiene?   Nothing is more sick or unattractive than being 'forced' to have sex with a hubsand ( or wife-I guess) who does not bathe daily brushes his teeth and generally cares about his overall appearance-   Know what I am saying?  

The ego-  Well....

I do not think it is a good idea for a man to tell or ask his wife to have sex with him to boost his insecure inflated ego-  ( I do not mean you )  But alot of men think women are only on this planet for sex and for him to 'relieve'himself-  

Have you asked your wife these questions?  Are there health problems?    Please do not be mad or yell at me-I was just asking and kinda sharing somethings with all who read this-

You may have to get really really real and  hope therapy helps y'all-  

You have said the same things that I am experiencing.   I really don't think that my husband really truly loves me enough to put asise his ego or selfishness.  I too just want to be held, kissed and told I am the best part of his life.  Recently I broke my arm and had to rely on my family to help.  Not once did he wash my back or help without some snide comment.  Of course my children pitched in best they could (11 & 10).  I would have just loved it if he would have expressed some kind of concern about my welfare.

I have thought about divorce, but I do not want to break up the home for the children and I really don't think that I can handle raising them by myself.  I am just chicken.  I am an only child without any family left and feeling very alone.  I am very so very close to an affair that I want for the physical aspects, but know that it will not solve the problem.

Like the song - so much for my happy ending.

and what makes you think hygiene creates arousal?? wouldn't it be cool if just because we had colgate fresh breath and pantene washed hair, our partners would become sexually aroused.  do you mean to tell me that all these years of keeping myself in good shape, all it takes to arouse sexual desire lies in the toothbrush??? know what ' ego' stands for??? EVERYTHING GOING OKAY.  for the partner who doesn't want to have sex, who no longer has the desire to 'go all the way', that's the world they live in, their ego.  and despite all those body mists, perfumes, whitening toothpaste and all the other gook on the market, that isn't gonna bring woody back to life.  i don't think most men use women to relieve themselves.  what i do think is that men forget how they caught the attention of a woman in the first place.  it was with flowers, and compliments. smiles and attention.  but then, they forget. forget that a woman doesn't carry that button to push start arousal.  and unfortunately for us women, the ones who lies next to that colgate fresh, pantene washed, gillette trac 2 shaved man, we just get to smell them from afar. and wish that they would make love to us.  and by the way, what's wrong with reading the classics?? seems to me if more men would, they could learn a thing or two.