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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:03:20 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you getting enough? Maintaining the sizzle? Or just too tired to even think about it?


 
jettav
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September 26, 2005, 11:28 pm PDT

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Quote From: jrmaro

Bear w/ me, as this is my first time on this site.  I'm hoping someone out there has some solid advice and maybe even been in this situation.  I am currently seperated w/ my husband and living w/ a man that I am 'seeing'.  I have been married for 5 years and have been w/ my husband for a total of six years.  The man I'm living w/ I have been w/ for a month longer than my husband and...they are related.  The man I am living w/ was always in a relationship and that is why we had an affair.  There was a total of 2 years when I did not speak to this man, but always thought of him.  I believed he was my 'true love' but married my husband because I knew he would never leave his girlfriend of 20 some years.  Well, over the summer he finally left his girlfriend.  My husband has known all along about the affair.  I always told him it would not continue, but I just couldnt control my impulses.  Outside of sex, I love my marriage w/ my husband.  However, there is absolutely no passion between us and never has been since day 1.  That is what drives me to the other man.  We have such chemistry.  I feel guilty about what I have done to my husband.  I want to know how to have a marriage where there is no passion.  I just have no sexual attraction to him.  I also dont know how to get over my feelings for the man I am seeing.  However, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to not see him anymore.  That I can handle, but I cant handle not having sexual desires for my husband.  Please note that it is not just that the passion faded, it was never there to begin w/.  I want to finally stop being so immature by having an affair and want to be the wife my husband deserves.  Is there anyone out there that can relate?   

I  

Maybe if you would quit running to the other guy and actually start working on your marriage then maybe the passion would come. If you feel guilty and really want your marriage to be loving, good and lasting, then you have to do something about it. How does your husabnd feel and have you ever discussed these things with him? And if there has never been any passion between you from the start, why in the heck did you marry him? And if you are willing to do whatever it takes to not to see this other man, then, why haven't you done it? How badly do you want your marriage? There are good marriage counselors and resources out there to help in these situations but you have to want it bad enough to get the help that you need. It isn't easy to maintain a good loving marriage but it is possible. It takes two to make a strong marriage but sometimes it only takes one to get the ball rolling and it may need to start with you, and the first thing you need to do is get rid of the other man and seek out the help and if you are not willing/able to do this, then take the easy way out, get a divorce and quit having affairs. You said this man has always been in a relationship so in other words, he has cheated as well, and remember what goes around comes around. Chances are if he cheated then he will do it again and the same goes with you, unless you actually get the help that you need to overcome it. Marriage is a committment etween two people, not three, so you have to make a decission, your husabnd or the other man. In my opinion, if you honestly and truly loved your husband, you wouldn't have an affair. I believe the passion could get there if you tried hard enough but again, you have to want it and work for it...................
 
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krisknotts
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September 30, 2005, 6:21 pm PDT

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Quote From: jrmaro

Bear w/ me, as this is my first time on this site.  I'm hoping someone out there has some solid advice and maybe even been in this situation.  I am currently seperated w/ my husband and living w/ a man that I am 'seeing'.  I have been married for 5 years and have been w/ my husband for a total of six years.  The man I'm living w/ I have been w/ for a month longer than my husband and...they are related.  The man I am living w/ was always in a relationship and that is why we had an affair.  There was a total of 2 years when I did not speak to this man, but always thought of him.  I believed he was my 'true love' but married my husband because I knew he would never leave his girlfriend of 20 some years.  Well, over the summer he finally left his girlfriend.  My husband has known all along about the affair.  I always told him it would not continue, but I just couldnt control my impulses.  Outside of sex, I love my marriage w/ my husband.  However, there is absolutely no passion between us and never has been since day 1.  That is what drives me to the other man.  We have such chemistry.  I feel guilty about what I have done to my husband.  I want to know how to have a marriage where there is no passion.  I just have no sexual attraction to him.  I also dont know how to get over my feelings for the man I am seeing.  However, I would be willing to do whatever it takes to not see him anymore.  That I can handle, but I cant handle not having sexual desires for my husband.  Please note that it is not just that the passion faded, it was never there to begin w/.  I want to finally stop being so immature by having an affair and want to be the wife my husband deserves.  Is there anyone out there that can relate?   

I  

I can truly relate to your experience in the sense that I married to a man whom I love, but am not in love with.  He is truly a great guy and loves me, and doesn't want to be apart from me.  We have been married for 9 months, just had a new baby two weeks ago.  We only have sex about once per month, maybe, because there is no passion there whatsoever.  I am now considering leaving him and moving on.  But now we have a new baby and it would mean making drastic changes in my life.  I now don't have to work, can stay at home with my son, have no bills, he supports me totally.  But is it worth it without the passion and romance?  I am 34 and don't want to grow old without passion.
 
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h8myhubby
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October 2, 2005, 11:53 pm PDT

I'm not attracted to him anymore!

I really am not a shallow person but ....... 

  

I just don't find my husband attractive anymore!  I know that physical intimacy can be adversely affected by underlying "issues" in a marriage however, despite some of the problems we experienced during the early part of our marriage, I was still physically attracted to him.  Now, I find him rather repulsive.  He is clumsy and no longer has the strength to hold himself up during the actual act, so I usually have to be on top or else resign myself to being smothered; he has developed "man boobs" as well as a "love handles" since he no longer puts forth the effort to excercise and/or eat right; and he now has an odor (no, he is not passing gas - he actually smells oily and stale) and the odor permiates our entire master wing, therefore I frequently sleep elsewhere in our home.  Basically, right now I feel very frustrated physically, as well as emotionaly - thus my new user name.  
 
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starflower
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October 3, 2005, 9:26 am PDT

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Quote From: h8myhubby

I really am not a shallow person but ....... 

  

I just don't find my husband attractive anymore!  I know that physical intimacy can be adversely affected by underlying "issues" in a marriage however, despite some of the problems we experienced during the early part of our marriage, I was still physically attracted to him.  Now, I find him rather repulsive.  He is clumsy and no longer has the strength to hold himself up during the actual act, so I usually have to be on top or else resign myself to being smothered; he has developed "man boobs" as well as a "love handles" since he no longer puts forth the effort to excercise and/or eat right; and he now has an odor (no, he is not passing gas - he actually smells oily and stale) and the odor permiates our entire master wing, therefore I frequently sleep elsewhere in our home.  Basically, right now I feel very frustrated physically, as well as emotionaly - thus my new user name.  

have you thought about how your husband feels? what is going inside his heart and mind? it sounds like he is not happy either and for some reason has allowed himself to become lazy. i think the only right thing to do is for you two to have a thorough conversation, to tell each other what you think and how you feel and what kind of changes you would like to make. all that without judgement and criticism.  

i believe the attraction comes within your hearts, so finally the physical appearance has nothing to do with it -it is just the attention focuses there as you arent connected to your hearts. whether we are slim or fat, tall or short, or whatever ...we can be attractive:) and, as we all know, physical attraction very naturally can fade in years of shared daily life -so we must really be connected in hearts and share everything, and find things to keep attraction fresh :) 

  

i hope your unpleasant situation will find positive solution soon. communication is the key :) 
 
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gubinski1
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October 7, 2005, 2:36 pm PDT

TORN FROM BRENDA

I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED SINCE MAY AND WAS MARRIED FOR 6TS. WE KNW EACHOTHER FOR 10. 9 YEARS AGO I FOUND THAT HE HAD A BIG ADDICTION TO "PLAYBOY".  WHEN I FOUND OUT, I CONFRONTED HIM AND HE GOT RID OF THEM. FOR MANY YEARS AFTER THAT, I LOST MY TRUST AND FELT INSECURE AND JEALOUS. WE FOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. IN THE LAST 2 YEARS HE DEVELOPED IMPOTENCE AND HAS HAD NO SEXUAL DESIRES. I ACCEPTED IT DURING OUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER AND REMAINED FAITHFUL. WE ARE JUST APART OVER A MONTH BECAUSE WE STAYED TOGETHER UNTIL WE SOLD OUR HOME. I FOUND OUT LAST WEEK HE RAN OUT TO BUY "FHM MAGAZINE" AND "STUFF". I CONFRONTED HIM WITH IT AND WANTED TO KNOW IF HE HAS NO DESIRE OR DRIVE WHY HE WOULD PURCHASE THIS. HIS REPLY TO ME WAS" THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH LOOKING". I HAD CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WOULD GET BACK TOGETHER IF WE COULD WORK ON SOME OF THE ISSUES BUT RIGHT NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS SOMETHING THAT WILL EVER CHANGE. HE HAS NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO ME. THE OTHER PROBLEM IS HE CAN'T BE CONFRONTED ABOUT ANYTHING AND WON'T COMMUNICATE. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM HANGING ON TO A MARRIAGE THAT OFFERS NOTHING. EVERYTIME I TELL HIM I DONT THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACHOTHER AGAIN, HE CALLS ME UP LIKE NOTHING. WE HAVE NOT BROKEN THE TIES AND SPEND EVERYDAY TOGETHER. SHOULD ONE OF US BE STRONG TO DO THIS? I DON'T KNOW WHY HE IS HANGING ON. HE CAN'T HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.   

  
 
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fat_kitty
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October 8, 2005, 12:36 pm PDT

no sex in 2 years-

Hi, maybe you all can help me. Who knows?

Okay, here's my situation. I have known my husband for 12 years and we've been married for 6 of those 12 years. We used to have a happy and healthy sex life. Now? We haven't had sex in 2 years.

A little background:
We are both in our mid-thirties and don't have kids. We get along great and believe we are each others soul mates. Yes, there have been problems in the past. I'm not sure, but here are some things that may contribute to why we aren't having sex:

-My husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for almost 10 months now. He used to hide the fact he drank and would go to great lengths to hide it from me. I felt betrayed and lied to, so this hasn't helped the situation. I understand it's a disease and he is very sorry he hurt me. He is doing great now and I believe we are stronger for going through this. Even though I feel better about us, there is still a small part of me that doesn't trust him. Could this be my problem?

-I lost 25 pounds. I feel great!! But there was a time when I felt fat and ugly and didn't want to be touched. Even though I lost the weight and feel so much better about my body, I still kinda feel that way. How can I get over it?

-The no-kid thing. We both do not want children. I have been on birth control pills and they all reak havoc on my body. I've been on 7 different kinds. We used to use condoms and a lot of the time, we didn't use anything. This would make me very, VERY nervous... almost to the point of where I couldn't relax. To me, I equal having sex to getting pregnant and that terrifies me! It terrifies me to the point of not wanting sex at all.

I love my husband very much. Other aspects in our relationship are great... but I know this one is a biggie, so I am hoping someone can give me some insight... any help at all is greatly appreciated. Thankyou.
 
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shyhappy
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October 8, 2005, 9:08 pm PDT

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Quote From: fat_kitty

Hi, maybe you all can help me. Who knows?

Okay, here's my situation. I have known my husband for 12 years and we've been married for 6 of those 12 years. We used to have a happy and healthy sex life. Now? We haven't had sex in 2 years.

A little background:
We are both in our mid-thirties and don't have kids. We get along great and believe we are each others soul mates. Yes, there have been problems in the past. I'm not sure, but here are some things that may contribute to why we aren't having sex:

-My husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for almost 10 months now. He used to hide the fact he drank and would go to great lengths to hide it from me. I felt betrayed and lied to, so this hasn't helped the situation. I understand it's a disease and he is very sorry he hurt me. He is doing great now and I believe we are stronger for going through this. Even though I feel better about us, there is still a small part of me that doesn't trust him. Could this be my problem?

-I lost 25 pounds. I feel great!! But there was a time when I felt fat and ugly and didn't want to be touched. Even though I lost the weight and feel so much better about my body, I still kinda feel that way. How can I get over it?

-The no-kid thing. We both do not want children. I have been on birth control pills and they all reak havoc on my body. I've been on 7 different kinds. We used to use condoms and a lot of the time, we didn't use anything. This would make me very, VERY nervous... almost to the point of where I couldn't relax. To me, I equal having sex to getting pregnant and that terrifies me! It terrifies me to the point of not wanting sex at all.

I love my husband very much. Other aspects in our relationship are great... but I know this one is a biggie, so I am hoping someone can give me some insight... any help at all is greatly appreciated. Thankyou.
 if you know your reasons for not having sex- then there's half of it. There are other bc options- as i am sure you know- a UTI can be installed and then you never have to think about it. . .for example. but if you both don't want kids, why doesn't he get a vasectomy? I am from Canada, and my husband hasn't had one- so forgive me if there is a HUGE cost associated with the procedure in the US- I don't even know what it costs here.

For help on your body image- you need some postive self talk- right? your husband can't fix that.
Sex isn't just about making babies- it's about being a healthy couple- so it's worth getting back on track. Your husband may assume  you don' t want it b/c of your past and is sick of getting turned down....you may need to do the initiating. then you could do it your way-- low lighting or something that might make you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

AND congrats on the weightloss- that is a true accomplishment!
 
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ibelive
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October 9, 2005, 12:28 am PDT

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Quote From: gubinski1

I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED SINCE MAY AND WAS MARRIED FOR 6TS. WE KNW EACHOTHER FOR 10. 9 YEARS AGO I FOUND THAT HE HAD A BIG ADDICTION TO "PLAYBOY".  WHEN I FOUND OUT, I CONFRONTED HIM AND HE GOT RID OF THEM. FOR MANY YEARS AFTER THAT, I LOST MY TRUST AND FELT INSECURE AND JEALOUS. WE FOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. IN THE LAST 2 YEARS HE DEVELOPED IMPOTENCE AND HAS HAD NO SEXUAL DESIRES. I ACCEPTED IT DURING OUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER AND REMAINED FAITHFUL. WE ARE JUST APART OVER A MONTH BECAUSE WE STAYED TOGETHER UNTIL WE SOLD OUR HOME. I FOUND OUT LAST WEEK HE RAN OUT TO BUY "FHM MAGAZINE" AND "STUFF". I CONFRONTED HIM WITH IT AND WANTED TO KNOW IF HE HAS NO DESIRE OR DRIVE WHY HE WOULD PURCHASE THIS. HIS REPLY TO ME WAS" THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH LOOKING". I HAD CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WOULD GET BACK TOGETHER IF WE COULD WORK ON SOME OF THE ISSUES BUT RIGHT NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS SOMETHING THAT WILL EVER CHANGE. HE HAS NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO ME. THE OTHER PROBLEM IS HE CAN'T BE CONFRONTED ABOUT ANYTHING AND WON'T COMMUNICATE. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM HANGING ON TO A MARRIAGE THAT OFFERS NOTHING. EVERYTIME I TELL HIM I DONT THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACHOTHER AGAIN, HE CALLS ME UP LIKE NOTHING. WE HAVE NOT BROKEN THE TIES AND SPEND EVERYDAY TOGETHER. SHOULD ONE OF US BE STRONG TO DO THIS? I DON'T KNOW WHY HE IS HANGING ON. HE CAN'T HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.   

  

Forgive me, I don't quite know how to respond to each individual message. I seem to be responding to the wrong messsage when I do. They don't seem to make much sense. Can someone enlighten me? Thanks!
 
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ibelive
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October 9, 2005, 12:38 am PDT

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Quote From: step36

I have been married for two years and my husband at first could'nt get enough of me( not just sex), he liked talking to me,holding me, etc...Now he comes home late cause he stays after work to drink with his buddies or play soccer..Never mind if I need something..Then when he gets home, he rarely even says boo to me..There is always something more interesting on tv, or he says he is tired and sleeps all day when he is off.  We used to go out, and now he rarely takes me anywhere. I also noticed that he is always critical of anything I so or say...Well never mind.
Figureitout, It might help if you'd tell us old broads what age group youre in. I wish they had emeticons to show emotion here. Oh well. Hon, it sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis. Been there, done that and a couple more things that happend down the line. If you demonstrate what it is that you want...sometimes DEMAND it, you'll get back what you put out. I've been married for over 38 years. I've taken care of anyone and everyone under the sun. I LOVE to cook. I took care of my nex t door neighbor. Fed him after his wife dies. My husband's seen what I do. I demonstate what it is to care for others. My husband came from MONEY, I didn't. There was money in his hous, but not much else. I came from NOTHING, but had a wonderful upbringing. Understanding where our spouses came from makes a BIG differance. IF/when God decides to take me, I can HONESTLY say that I've given as much as I can. After almost 38 years, I can honestly say that my DH's FINALLY started to open up with his FEELINGS. My affair lasted 10 years, is lasted 2 days...tell you anything? I'm still able to work it out. He's actually started to "care". We'll see. Hang in there. There's more to this book.
 
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jenkamac
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October 12, 2005, 3:00 pm PDT

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Quote From: lilacmess

I can only tell you how I would respond. I wouldn't marry him because I would know that I would never be able to get past this and I would spend my life punishing him for it. So marrying him wouldn't be fair to me or him. I just can't believe you told him no strippers and he did it anyway. And this crap about "how could I refuse?" is just that . . . crap. There is a little tiny word that would have done the trick. NO! So what's to keep him now from frequenting strip clubs in the future or even cheating. He now knows that he can get away with it. He can even get away with breaking promises to you. Doesn't sound like much of a foundation for marriage. I would say that possibly the only thing that would be a big enough gesture for me under the circumstances would be for him to immediately cut off all contact with all of these guys who accompanied on his adulterous adventure. If that means uninviting them to the wedding, so be it. He would have to do something really big right now for me to be able to believe that he's willing to change and getting rid of his trashy friends would be a start.
I think that that is a bit of an overreaction!!  He went to Vegas with his friends---VEGAS!! If you didn't want him to participate in that sort of thing than you should have said that you didn't want him to go to Vegas!  I think your first sign that it is not as bad as you think is that he told you what he did!! Think about it:  Why would he tell you that they tried to get the girls to come back to the cabin if it was a bad thing and he had something to feel guilty about?  Second, as dumb as it is, bachelor parties are generally like this.  If you have met his friends and his friends have met you then you should already know that they respect your relationship and would not put their friend in a position to potentially cheat on his soon-to-be wife.  I think that not marrying him is way overdone.  However, it seems that with your last response to the person who told you not to marry him you agree with this.  If that is the case, then this was not a strong enough relationship to begin with.  I have only been married 3 months and if this had happened before our marriage and it bugged me (which I don't think it would have because I completely trust my husband and know that he would never cheat on me), then I would have had a talk with him about why it bugged me and tried to clear that up.  Relationships are a work in progress and there are always things that are going to come up that really upsets the other person.  He obviously did not know to the extent of how much it would bug you otherwise he would not have done it and would have especially not told you about it after the fact!  At this point I'm curious to see if you did marry him. 
 
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