Topic : Sex

Hi everyone.  This is my first post.  I've read so many of yours that I don't feel like I'm alone in saying I am tired of being sexually deprived and having my sexual advances toward my husband turned down time after time.  I am 22 years old, my husband is 24 and  we have have been married for 4 years now.  We have had ALOT of problems and I mean ALOT!!!  I have left him several times and it seems like he just doesn't get the message.  However please don't think me shallow, the reasons I left him before were for the lack of sex only because it seemed he could give more attention to other women than he could me.  I know me going back probably told him that he could do what ever he wanted and was probably a mistake but I didn't want to give up on my marriage.  There have been so many problems that it would be virtually impossible to name them all so I will just get down to the past year or so.

January 2007 we decided to try harder to make things work... Then February he went behind my back and joined the military and I had no idea he was going to do so until a recruiting officer called me and asked for my personal information.  I wanted him to do what he had to do to make himself happy and not hold him back even though I was very upset as we had both agreed from the beginning of our marriage the military would never be a problem.  I tried to talk him out of it before he signed all the paper work but my mother in law would not relent in pushing him toward a career in the Navy.  We had a nice home and a comfortable income but I think he felt inferior that I made more money than he did. But the next four months that followed except for the stress produced by his upcoming departure for the military were the best our marriage has ever know.  For once he was helping around the house and our sex life was the best it ever had been.  He left in May, two weeks later no word from him in boot camp.  I was starting to get concerned.  A few more days go by I get a phone call and he has to read this disturbingly graphic letter he'd wrote to a female recruit that he was in boot camp with.  I was furious!!! 

At that point I had told him I wanted a divorce... Though nothing had physically happened it may as well have from what he'd written in that letter.  But after months of him begging while he was in A school and him telling me that it was all because of mental pressure in boot camp and blah blah blah.... I just decided he was immature and that I would try to work it out.  November he finally came home and things between us were great but in December we moved to our first duty station by January his ex from 6 years before we got married started calling again and had been a nagging part of many of our marital problems. He stopped calling her but not until I happened to find her phone number in his phone when I went to call my mom because my phone was dead. But even before this our sex life was starting to deteriorate.  We only have sex on weekends if I'm luck and I'm just tired of initiating all the time.  He always says he's too tired but I work a full time job, do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and everything else!!!  This has been going on so long now that I'm starting to resent him and am getting to the point where I don't care if he's here or not.  I dread coming home and seeing him knowing I have to avoid him so not get aroused then have my attempts to seduce him smashed like an unwanted pest. When we do have sex its more like he's doing a chore than enjoying it.  I simply can't understand how his sex drive vanished so quickly and I don't believe the crap about being too tired and all that because I used to work 80 + hours a week and was still able to preform.  I don't believe he's cheating because I can't find any evidence, he doesn't have any physical disorder to prevent him from preforming, so I'm just at wits end.

My question is simply this, is it just me or is it time to pack my bags, cut my losses and go back home and move on?  I feel just as alone with him as without him and every day I die a little more inside from feeling undesired, unappreciated, and mostly undersexed.  Every day my love for him is fading more and more... What can I do?

It's time to pack your bags. You are 22...you are 22!!! You are ONLY 22. Please...stop wasting your time with this guy.  Is the only "cheating" you really care about physical? I wish I could inject into your brain how I feel. I'm not that much older than you...I'm only 29, but I will tell you something.

And please listen.

The next several years of your life you are going to learn a hell of a lot about yourself. Don't let these words turn you off, I am NOT trying to talk down to you. But you are still so young...too young for this much baggage...get out. Live your life as an adult woman on your own. Make money, save it, have a little responsible fun. Take trips...seriously...this marriage that you've described in this post is not going to go anywhere...not like this.

Get out...and stay out...you say you've left several times and he doesn't get the message? He IS getting the message, your message so far is "I will always come back to you no matter what you do to me."

Go find yourself a guy who really digs the woman you are.

Hi everyone,

I'd love to hear any and all input here. Nine years ago, I married a man that I was never physically/sexually attracted to. And I mean NEVER. We always had great sex....he's a good lover. We also had a good relationship in terms of communication, etc. However, the only guys I've ever been physically/sexually attracted to are NOTHING like my husband. They are all thin, dark hair, beautiful eyes, etc. My husband is heavy, broad, light hair and beady eyes. I'm having so much trouble lately with sex because I can no longer ignore the fact that I find my husband unattractive. I don't like the way he looks, the way he smells, NOTHING appeals to my senses. I don't like the sound of his voice, his attitude, his opinions, his humor, etc. It's really bumming me out. My question is, can a marriage survive this?!!

What you are saying is much more than LOOKS...his opinions? His humor? His attitude? Those have nothing to do with not having beautiful eyes.

Honestly...there is much more going on here. If you'd rather talk through email feel free to email me...but there is more to this story...there has to be.

My husband has gained a lot of weight over the years, we too have been married 9 years. He's not what he looked like when we met...however the love we share transcends this. I look at him and his beauty is the memories we share, what a wonderful father he is, what a hard worker he is, the things he says, his brilliant mind, his humor, his attitude and his opinions.

What DO you love about him?

You're right. There is more to the story. I met my husband after we both suffered emotionally wrenching break ups. We commiserated and one thing led to another. Long story short, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, knowing that he wasn't the right one for me. I still don't know why I did it...loneliness, feeling so bad for him because he was so sad, or maybe because he was the complete and utter opposite of the guy who left me (and, subconsciously, less likely to leave me?)

 

He looks pretty much the same as when I met him, so this isn't a situation where he's gotten "worse" with age. I've just never felt that "connection" with him (mentally/spiritually) and certainly no physical "spark" whatsoever. We don't share any views, from politics to social issues to child rearing, etc. We raised his two daughters, and we have a five year old son together, and we fought loudly and angrily about how to raise them, etc. He's always been an angry, selfish, loud, aggressive, and boorish person.

 

This lack of "connection" with him led me down a destructive path. Years of anger and resentment and fights culminated in me leaving him last March. I told him I wanted a divorce, and I started talking to and meeting up with a man that I always thought was "the one" for me. Sure enough, after 22 years of separation, this man and I fell into each other's arms and cried like little kids when we saw each other again. My heart had never felt so full. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

But my husband had other plans. After divorcing me, he tortured us. He followed us. He went after this guy. He threatened his life, his mother's life, etc. He threatened me. He told my son horrible things about us. He told my family horrible things about us (they took his side). He told everyone in our small town horrible things about us. I had to call the police a number of times. After about a year of this, I told this man that I couldn't take what was happening to my son. He couldn't either. I told him I was going back to my ex, that I owed it to my son to do everything I could to restore his home and his happiness. He admitted that he was emotionally drained too, tired of watching his back, wondering when my ex would appear around the corner and "do him in".

 

We cried and cried. We debated. And we cried some more. And finally, we let each other go. I still think about him every day. And I still cry.

 

So I went back. To my ex's credit, he has turned things around. He is attentive with me and our son. We went to family counseling for a while. I told him I would never marry him again, but that I would be willing to try and rebuild a relationship for my son's sake. He is helping around the house. His anger is under control. He really seems to understand what he did wrong and is trying to fix it.

 

But obviously it can't change who he is. As for me, I am honest with my ex about how I feel. He knows that I was never attracted to him. He knows that I am still not. He knows that I still have feelings for the other man. He is waiting patiently for me to "get it out of my system". He knows that I only came back because I couldn't stand what he was doing to our son. He says it bothers him that I didn't come back because I love him. I love him because he's my son's father. He's a hard worker and a good provider. He's trying hard. Sometimes I like him. But most of the time, I don't like the way he thinks, the things he says, his humor, his attitude, or his opinions. I just ignore it and resign myself to the fact that I am an adult, and that sometimes, as adults, we have to sacrifice what we want for the health and well being of our kids.

 

 

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.

I wish I knew what to say! I think that this is a story Dr. Phil would like on his show honestly! But in all seriousness...do you really think this is best for your kids? I dunno...I wish I knew what to say.

I don't know. I don't know if this is what's best for my son. I'm trying to figure out who I am and whether I should still be trying to save this relationship. I'm trying to do the "Self Matters" stuff, but I am so honestly confused that it's just making things worse. I actually contacted the show about all of this, and they wanted me to come on, but my ex refused. They didn't seem interested in just having me. Oh well. The journey continues. Thanks so much for listening and responding, PennyLane. Maybe I'll try to convince the show to take me on!

ok where did it go? My sex drive....I cant find it any where....39 yrs old married 1 1/2 yrs living together 5 1/2.I can remember when he could wake me up in the morning and well you know. During the day I would pace the floors waiting for him to come home and we could start over. This went on for 2 yrs. The only breaks we got was during my time of the month. Now....Well lets see...we didnt even make love the day or night we got married. I was sick with the flu. I was in bed while my new husband was watching TV, and making me dinner.Its was 22 days later. And theres only been 3 other times since then.This is driving me crazy.When the mood does hit me, dont let me sneeze because its gone.And I cant get it back.My husband is 10 yrs younger than me and that scares me. He says he would never step out on me and I really do believe him. And trust him. I just know he has to be fustrated. I am......And he has made comments like "something has to give'" what does that mean. Please dont make me go there. That place where you wonder if he his doing something. And could I blame him? Could I understand and forgive. what do you do?See, just thinking about it hurts. I have to find my drive. It has to be here some where. It cant be gone forever. I really enjoyed what my man did for me. never a complaint and never a moment when you go is that all. No, I get a taste of the highest form of bliss and then its gone. I'm going to stop whinning now and just hope for the best

whats the point of  getting married. And how can you say he's a great lover when you are not physically or sexually attracted ti him.   I dont understand that.  And from what I understand you pretty much cant stand the sound of him breathing. Then you need to let this man go so some other women might get lucky enough to meet him. I understand every one needs to feel wanted. But what you are doing is wrong. Get a place of your own and get a pet. All they need is a little attention, food and water. They dont care that you think they are ugly.

Just sitting back and hoping for he best is not the way to handle an issue, that is having such an impact on your life. Go to your doctor and get a full check up and tel your doc what is happening to you in regards to your sex drive. It could be a really simple fix or it could be a indicator of something else health wise, either way better safe than sorry.

there is a lot of diferent reasons why your sex drive has plumented into oblivion, find you what your reason is, if i was you i would start with a chck up and talk with my doctor.

I wish you much success if finding the solution to your problem.

Tammy