Topic : Sex

I, too, am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse...it certainly is the abuse affecting every aspect of your attitude toward sex as an adult...

 

I would suggest counseling, so you can put your past behind you, and live in the present...you are bringing the past into the bedroom with you.  Because you were abused as a child, it is natural to feel "used" when you have sex with your husband...you learned from an early age that people just want to "take" from you...but you CAN recover and have a normal sex life...and it doesn't have to cost you your marriage.

 

Does your husband know about the abuse?  If not, you should have a talk with him, and tell him what happened...this could be done with the help of a counselor, if you don't feel comfortable doing it by yourself.

 

There is a book called "Love Is A Choice", for women survivors of sexual abuse...be a survivor...dont' allow yourself to continue to be a "victim", constantly feeling used and angry...healing is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight...there is a companion book to the book I mentioned above...it is for your husband to read...all about how a spouse should respond to your feelings and attitudes...I can't remember the name of it offhand, but both books were very helpful to both me and my husband...I married at age 19, and we have been married for 27 years. 

 

I've been through years of counseling...it was really helpful in my own healing process...

thankyou imustbecrazy for your reply, i really have to get my hands on those books you mentioned. and yes i have told my husband about the things that happened. told him before we got married as i didn't want to marry someone who might reject me afterwards if they knew. he knows and he definitely doesn't understand - he asked me on our wedding night when we were finally alone if i enjoyed being raped by my uncle... so you can see he abosolutely has no comprehension of the pain of being used by those who were supposed to love you. i have tried to explain to him how it  affects me but he doesn't get it, he thinks women and girls enjoy being forced, but he is a good man, he just doesn't understand. i don't know why he thinks this but it is just the way it is.

anyway, thank you so much for replying, i thought i must be crazy to be feeling this way, and yes i will try to track down those books, as i do want to solve this problem,

again thank you,

 

shellygins

I told my husband before we got married about the abuse, but he, too, failed to recognize the damage that it did...as did I, until I was about 30.  As young as you are, to be recognizing the problem is more than half the battle...and it is a battle...with yourself...your ingrained attitudes...I think it is hard for a man to understand that a girl/woman would NOT enjoy sex, in whatever form it comes...sex means something completely different to women than it does to a man...

 

To a woman, sex is an expression of love...sharing of oneself...a time to be intimate and share private moments with the man that she loves...To a man, it is a physical "need"...their brains are controlled by what's behind their zipper...that's not to say that a man doesn't express love through sex...but I don't think they take it as personally as women do...it's all about physical stimulation...not about the brain...so it would be hard for a man to understand why a woman wouldn't enjoy it "however it comes"...because they are wired so differently than women are...

 

Husbands need to be "trained" to please their wives...to see the value in intimacy in addition to the sexual act itself...

 

If you look at the statistics, the majority of rapists are MEN...the majority of sexual abusers are MEN...why is that??   And, little girls...little kids in general are the most vulnerable to the abuse...in many cases, it happens before the child has the ability to understand what is happening to them, before the child has a voice of her own...while the child's mind can be manipulated to believe what the abuser is telling them...

 

And, psych wards are full of sexual abuse victims...and it is the job of the mental health professionals to turn those victims into SURVIVORS...it took several years of counseling for me to accomplish that feat...to become a survivor, no longer a victim...to stop letting people walk all over me...no longer will I stand by and let things happen to me...I make my own decisions about how to feel and react...I will no longer let the past shape my attitudes today...I am valuable...I was wonderfully made...I can shake the guilt...

 

I think that the guilt is the biggest issue...I had the attitude that "I let this happen to me"...and I think that's how outsiders look at it too...but it's not that simple...If I could have just yelled "NO", do you think those things would have happened to me?? Probably...abusers some how exercise psychological control over the ones they are abusing...the child can't control their situation...they are trapped...outsiders just can't understand...

 

You're definitely NOT crazy for having the feelings that you have...and your husband needs some education to come around to the right way of thinking...to understand that you were NOT a willing participant in what happened...

 

And the guilt over the physical pleasure that you might have felt...that's part of the control that the abuser has...it doesn't mean that you "enjoyed" being abused...

 

I could go on all day about it...start with the books, and look into getting counseling...both for yourself, and together with your husband...it is very important that he understand just how much the abuse has impacted your whole life...

 

Becky

I just wanted to check and see how you are doing.  Were you able to find the books that I mentioned?  I hope that you can find a good counselor...I would recommend a female counselor...I am much more comfortable with a female counselor than a male...I think they understand better, listen better, and have better advice...most of my health care providers are women...

 

Becky

 Hello everyone,

                             I would first like to say thanks for letting me register and post in this forum. Next I would like to say there are always two sides to every story and I will be as honest and complete as possible in my story.

   I have been married for 9 years. Im 37 years old and my wife is 38. We have two children ages 8 and 11. My wife hurt her back getting out of the bath tub about 5 years ago, 4 years into our marriage. Turned out it was an injury that stemmed from a car accident she was in when she was a teenager. It just showed up that night she got out of the tub. We tried non surgical procedures along with everything else but nothing worked. We opted for a surgery 3 years ago. It did not help. She has been diagnosed with a "bad back" and is in chronic pain and will be for the rest of her life. The injury went too long without recieving medical treatment. She was placed on permanent disability. She has been on narcotics from day 1. They have gradually increased as time has gone on. It  made her very non responsive towards sex or affection in general. She is very limited in what she can and cannot do. She is capable of going to the store or light shopping during peak times, which come may be once a week or so. She can drive but not far. Very limited cooking,cleaning dealing with kids etc. I do 75% of all the household work also.ie wash and dry clothes and bring them upstairs where she can sort them out from the sofa.

  Well around Thanksgiving of 2007 the doctors upped her medications again to a high powered pain patch called Fentanyl. During the Holidays she started doing some shopping. I was thrilled and thought we had found the magic bullet. Well during these shopping days and feel good days ,if you will ,she ran into an old HS flame. They started an affair. I caught on quick, like a week in to the affair. To her credit she did end it right there on the phone in front of me and then blamed the medication and being caught up in a whirlwind of good feelings etc. I agreed to work through it and give her one chance. She did live up to her end and was a role model wife for the next few months, minus the sex and affection which was, and still is absent.

  She has progressively gotten worse. Doctors have upped her medications again. She is now in a depressed state and has lost alot of weight. She is only concerend with getting her medicine.She doesnt get off the couch, mostly sleeps all the time and will only take a bath like twice a week. I know she is in pain, it has been diagnosed and proven through mri's etc. as she informs me everytime I say something about her taking too much. But I think she is abusing her meds and its taken a toll on me. I cant make a grown person do something, ie. go to rehab, if they dont want to go.I am working a job, cooking,cleaning,getting kids bathed,washing clothes,dishes, taking care of bills, and taking care of her, getting medicine etc. going to doctors. Im at wits end and losing it. Getting very depressed my self.

   I have remained loyal, faitfull , dependable and honest in my marriage. I said the vows and signed up for better or worse and intend to live by that. Through thick and thin. I would want it if it were me on the other side. I have sold just about all of my personal items that were considered luxery ie. golf clubs fishing equiptment  etc. in order to pay for medicine in which insurance wouldnt cover. My kids have done without the daily.50 cents for juice at school, have missed field trips and all. Not to mention not being able to go to the movies or participate in things most kids do. Small things like school pictures etc. They have been incredibly understanding through all of this and will make super adults one day.

  I guess my main gripe right now and the reason for posting my problems is lack of attention, affection and sex. None in the last 5 months.I have talked with her repeatedly about this. I have sat down beside her during peak times when she was feeling good and have explained my feelings in detail. That I need some sort of sexual gratification. It doesnt have to be full blown sex, there are other things she can do and Im more than willing to meet her at whatever level she feels confortable.Nothing, no reponse. Says " I know"  "you think I want to be like this? "   stuff like that. Well about a week ago I said to my self Im going to try and communicate with her one more time, well she got a little miffed and seemed angry and stated   "do whatever you need to do, I just dont want to know anything about it"    I said " I have been faithfull to you from day one and will continue as long as Im married to you so I just will have to live with it"   So thats what im doing now..

   I have masturbated and that helps somewhat. But nothing will replace a warm body and love and affection that im missing. I do not have porn in the house but im thinking about it very seriously. I have never thought about leaving because,well, I would feel guilty about leaving someone while there down. I would rather be of help. And I know she may even be homeless without me. Well her mother and father are still living so I guess she could go stay with them if it came down to it. And plus im scared of the kids rebellioning if I took them with me because nothing replaces a mother. But im getting to a desperate stage right now. Ive talked all that I can talk. Ive done and im doing all I can do. She is currently taking

 100 mcg fentanyl every other day

  60 1 mg  kolonipin tablets per month

  fenegrin  daily

 180  10 mg vicoden tablets per month

plus others that im to stressed right now to think of

 Over 1k in meds a month and insurance only covers about half

 

what the hell do I do? I know everybody has problems and most are worst than mine and im sorry for rambeling on and on about them.

 

 I really appreciate anybody that takes there valuable time to read this  and even more so for the ones that take the time to respond.. And and all advice is welcome reguardless of point of view..

  Thanks again,

 Scott

It sounds like you’ve been a very supportive, caring husband and father. You are right- everybody has problems in some form or another. However, don’t apologize for posting here, seeking advice/opinions, because that is what this space is for. You need and deserve a place where you can vent your thoughts/feelings/frustrations and receive some constructive words of advice.
You can’t force a grown woman to get help for her issues, all you can do is try to gently encourage her to help herself. I can’t imagine the personal pain that you suffer, the loneliness- because of your wife’s situation. Does she seem to acknowledge or understand that you need her companionship? Or, does she go straight into defense mode?
Think about your children. They are blank slates that become ‘written’ on by the role models in their lives- the main role models being mom and dad. What kind of role model do you want to be for them? Of course, you want them to see that their father is a kind, loving and loyal person, and you want them to exhibit those traits, too; but do you want them to continue to go without things- some of them being basic necessities in life- because mom won’t even think about making changes?
Your wife has pain, there is no doubt. The way that she deals with her pain is what the problem is. You said that all she does is worry about her medications- what do you mean by that, exactly? Because if she has them- her Dr. writes her prescriptions, etc., then why does she ‘worry’ about them? Is it because she wants more or something? Also, I’m wondering if she has regular check ups with a pain specialist?
Have you considered therapy? It could be very helpful for you- because you need and deserve that ‘soft place to fall.’ Take care of yourself, make YOU a priority- it is so important!

 Thanks jaimie for your reply,

                                                     she worries about running out of her medicine. Thats because she takes to much.. As for her reaction when I confront her about it, its either two ways she reacts, sometimes she gets very defensive and even agressive saying things like  'IF YOU WERE IN THE PAIN IM IN YOU WOULD FEEL DIFFERENT"  or she gets somber like she knows  things are bad and is looking for even more sympathy by crying and such, its hard for me to get more vocal or even more forcefull with her crying and I think she knows that.

Hoping for some serious feedback with this type of situation. I need help and this is my first time writing online after doing an online search for information on “men with friends that are women” while in a relationship with significant other. I am seriously concerned about my 27 year old daughter (lives 3 hours away), never married and four months pregnant. She recently moved in with the father of her child and on and off boyfriend of 2 years. He is also 27. My daughter has serious issues concerning trust and the other women (just friends per future father) in her relationships and that is because of her past with her father and I, and the relationships with her boyfriends since leaving home. Her father and I separated several times in 28 years due to his infidelity and have been separated going on 1 year now (not legally).

 

I will try to keep unbiased. My daughter has a heart of gold, insecure, and her boyfriend cares for her but can’t stand her not trusting him. He has several women friends that he went to college with along with several others of whom he talks to several times a week and feels that there is nothing wrong with meeting up for lunch, inviting to stop by poker game, etc. while my daughter is working (7pm-7am). He never makes or receives any calls from them when by daughter and him are together on days off. He is not open about the communication or invitation activities with my daughter concerning these friends, she finds out later by snooping. This week it involved my daughter snooping into his cell phone and computer and the recent friend is someone that he went to college with and was a sexual partner. They have been calling each other throughout this past week after my daughter leaves for work and he invited friend to come to the poker game at the house where daughter and he reside, without daughter’s knowledge (she was working). During the explosive event that followed a day later when he found out that she snooped and my daughter called a bluff, he told her that ex-girlfriend came to the house and that he is sick and tired of my daughter’s mistrust and that he would never screw around on her and the only reason he does not relay what he does is because she is screwed up and she would think he is screwing around. This is not the first time this has occurred in their relationship, it has been many. So too many that I don’t know how much more I can take when she calls me crying, so distraught, so hurt. It breaks my heart.

 

Daughter has been very open and honest with boyfriend (they were friends in high school and met up 7 years later) from the beginning about her past and her insecurities. Every time this happens she completely breaks down and can’t stop crying for a couple of days and takes off work. It is even worse now with her being pregnant, she keeps crying and talking about how all she wanted was for them to be a family and her daughter could have the opportunity to really bond with her father (daughter relationship not good with her father in her teens and never really recovered). She is close to getting fired but I asked her check with HR and invoke her rights under FMLA, although it wasn’t put into place for this type of event.

 

My thoughts and conclusions:

I try to give her advice as best as I can along with that I want her to move in with me and we can work together.  After ever episode, the first day she gets put into place verbally by boyfriend after event and she is so ready to make changes and then day 2 (boyfriend still relaying he can’t take it anymore) comes (she’s still crying) and she starts to relay a different side to me where she thinks that if it wasn’t for her “snooping” and if she would just be able to trust him and “maybe I have a serious problem” like boyfriend said.  My daughter relayed that he said “my friends told me that I should have gotten rid of you along time ago.” And yet for some reason, boyfriend won’t let her go (even before getting pregnant) and she won't let him go. Day 3 comes....this could take up to a week depending upon what her boyfriend has on personal agenda and his willingness to talk to daughter.  2 days after this last event on May 20, 2008, he has a poker game with friends in the garage while my daughter is in the house, and she stayed in the bedroom to avoid all of them, because the only communication with boyfriend was negative with him and his relaying he can't stand her not trusting him, but boyfriend never changed venue for the poker game and went on as if my daughter wasn't even in the house.  I hope that he wants her out of his life, but again this will be another manipulation tactic.  

 

So I will end this saying what I feel. I think what he is doing is dead wrong. He knows her past, he knows her insecurities, he knows her heart and yet he still continues to hurt her. She is not that far gone that she questions him on day to day activities with other women that he works with or contacts that he might have. On the other hand, she is so accommodating that she doesn’t look at things the way they really are until a big episode occurs. I think boyfriend uses her insecurities and vulnerability to his benefit, therefore allowing for his dishonesty to accommodate his own agenda. 

 

Do you think it is alright to have a "no sex" friend of the opposite sex while married or are you one of the few that think it could hurt even the strongest of marriages?  Do you think that "private friends" should also be important enough to be introduced into your family?  Would you have a problem with the "no sex" friend and someone you have no contact with, going out alone with your spouse?  Would you have a problem with the "no sex" friend calling your spouse after you leave for work and knows your schedule to accommodate that call but that schedule wasn't relayed by you?

 

Where does one draw the line?  I think that line is different for every individual, but when you are in a serious relationship your line might have to be adjusted greatly to facilitate a long lasting relationship where it is no longer about you but more about the us.

I don't know if this is the right topic i need to be on or not.....But i have issues with my husband... We have been married for y9 years now. we have one kid together and i had one from a previous marriage.  after our son was born 7 ye ars ago my husband and i changed but thats not the issue...... He saids things to me or the past 8 years i guess very mean things, and i guess after the years i have grown unattractive to him, i don't like him touching me. and we hardly ever have sex..... but i don't want to because of the mental things he saids to me, for the past couple of years we are more just like roommates then married. But now he's in this mood if i don't give it to him he acts like a little kid, picks fights with me telling me if id do my wifely duties he would stop, he's even told me he would make me...... Can anyone help me

My husband only thinks of pleasing himself.