Message Boards

Topic : 12/20 Marry Me or Else!

Number of Replies: 684
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 22, 2006, 12:20:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/26/06) It’s do or die for the men today, as their partners tell them to either walk down the aisle or walk the highway! Tony and Mary have dated for 12 years, and have been engaged for eight. Mary wants to set a wedding date, but Tony says even after all these years, he’s not ready and still feels pressured to tie the knot. Does Tony fear getting married or getting married to Mary? Then, Rosanna has been dating her boyfriend, Dennis, for almost five years and says she’s tired of “playing house.” Dennis maintains that he told Rosanna from the start he didn’t want to get married. Should they just throw in the towel and move on? Plus, Robin shares some relationship tips, and the women finally take a stand and issue ultimatums for their men! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

More December 2006 Show Boards.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

September 24, 2006, 8:28 am CDT

I am concerned

My daughter will be 33-years-old on her next birthday.  She has been dating this clown for 8 plus years.  He is 37-years-old and live alone, thank you Lord.  I feel my daughter has wasted at least 6 years of her life on him.  He will be able to move on and have children while my daughter will be getting close to an age that might affect her health and her unborn child. As a concern mother what can I do to stop this madness?  I have another daughter who is 20-years-old and in college and hopefully will meet someone and get married, but not date for years. Of course I would like to be a grandmother one day, but it looks like it will be my 20-year-old who will be the one who makes me one. When and if you get an answer please let me know so I can pass this on to my daughter.

 

Signed, sealed and sick inside Ms. smith

 
September 24, 2006, 8:45 am CDT

where is your heart anyway???????

my husband and i have been happily married for 14 yrs and have 2 beautiful daughters. the only reason we made our relationship "official" was because our oldest daughter is from my first marriage to a monster. we married so my current husband would be able to be her legal dad complete with our last name. in the event something happened to me my ex would have a horrendous legal battle on his hands instead of just swooping in and taking her. he IS a violent alcoholic who is capable of playing a good game of deception. if it had not been for this we probably would have never married. we are both products of a divorced family and i have already been thru my own divorce. if the relationship is good why is that piece of paper needed? love and eternal commitment is in your heart not on a piece of paper. not to mention, how many relationships change BECAUSE of that piece of paper. some think that paper is ownership. if you are truly happy with that person then quit rocking the boat. there's plenty of ways to "take care" of your partner without getting married. there are common law states as well. i have friends and relatives who have been married for 30 + yrs and do not live in the same house and some who have been together for 30 + yrs and never married and it works for them just fine. happiness and contentment should be the goal, not just a piece of paper to validate the relationship!
 
September 24, 2006, 11:56 am CDT

No No No, Never

I've seen too many people push someone into a marriage with sour results. A friend of mine is bound by religious belief that to have a relationship with another person requires marriage; therefore they married then separated then got back together then separated again and my friend filed for divorce but my friend's spouse died before the divorce was final all within the last 8 or 9 years. This is not a young couple; my friend had lost 3 other spouses by death and 1 former spouse by divorce having only 1 son before the last marriage. My friend's spouse had never been married nor acknowledged having any children but had had a previous long term relationship but was a philanderer and bi-polar with a multiple personality disorder. My friend's sane spouse was very sweet and loving but the other personalities were very abusive and toxic to the relationship. I watched my friend's health deteriorate severely when with the spouse then improve when separated from the spouse. Now the spouse is dead and my friend's health has gone down so much that living alone is not an option. This was only the most recent of such couples that I've known who paid the consequences of forcing someone into a marriage. Assuming that most couples in relationships are basically adults, I favor strongly that if the other party does not want to make that commitment for whatever reason and the "marry or else" party can't retain the relationship without a legal commitment, then the "marry or else" party needs to bow out of the relationship and seek fulfillment elsewhere.

 

 
September 24, 2006, 12:15 pm CDT

Marry Me Or Else

I have dated a man for 20 years in New York.  He had been married one time before in his country and has three kids(all grown and married).  When I finally gave him an ultimatum marry me or I am leaving you for good.  He flatly told me to my face that he will never marry me, live with me or put an engagement ring on my finger. He said that if we did marry, chances are we would land up killing eachother because of our different cultures.  That was not what he told me for all those years; he kept saying next year we'll get married, but next year never happened.  He only told this to me because he knew I was very much in love with him and gullible to all his words. All my friends told me he will never marry me but I was too blinded with love to believe anyone. One day I woke up and took stock of my life or lack of it and decided to do something about it once and for all.  I had no choice but to move to another state to get away from him otherwise I would still be dating him yet.  Two years after I left New York, I found out that he married someone from his own country. Ladies don't do what I did and let it linger on and believe all those lies, if they don't marry you in 2 years, chances are they will never marry you.
 
September 24, 2006, 12:22 pm CDT

Get Real

 It's only a problem when one partner decides they want to get married. I too was in a relationship with someone for seven years and I wanted to get married, but he never proposed. I supported him financially while he went to college for "our" future, and emotionally when he went to Iraq and came home. Even with the thought that he might not come home from war, he never proposed. So six months after he came home I just asked him to move out. War matured him, but didn't change him. I didn't give him any ultimatums because I felt like an ultimatum would be making him do something he didn't really want to do if he agreed to it. He still doesn't understand to this day why I asked him to move out, and probably never will, but we are friends today. If marriage is something you want but you are not getting, quit waiting and move on. The best predictor of his future actions is his past behaviour.
 
September 24, 2006, 1:07 pm CDT

Marry me or Else?

I am a woman in her forties and unmarried. If I was ever with a man and he told me he doesn't want to get married while that was my desire, I would take that to mean that he doesn't want to marry me. I would terminate the relationship in a kind way and move on.  When a ma says he doesn't want to get married it means he wants to be free to chose another partner because he feels you are not the one.
 
September 24, 2006, 2:40 pm CDT

And your point is?.....

Quote From: captivating50

My daughter will be 33-years-old on her next birthday.  She has been dating this clown for 8 plus years.  He is 37-years-old and live alone, thank you Lord.  I feel my daughter has wasted at least 6 years of her life on him.  He will be able to move on and have children while my daughter will be getting close to an age that might affect her health and her unborn child. As a concern mother what can I do to stop this madness?  I have another daughter who is 20-years-old and in college and hopefully will meet someone and get married, but not date for years. Of course I would like to be a grandmother one day, but it looks like it will be my 20-year-old who will be the one who makes me one. When and if you get an answer please let me know so I can pass this on to my daughter.

 

Signed, sealed and sick inside Ms. smith

Butt out Mom.  Both your girls are of legal age and you can't tell them what to do with their lives or who to marry.  If the 33 year old chooses to "waste her life" with this guy, that's her problem--not yours.  As for being a grandmother, neither of them are "required" to make you a grandmother.  Get a life outside of your kids
 
September 24, 2006, 4:33 pm CDT

How long do you wait?

How long do you wait?

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

 
September 24, 2006, 6:20 pm CDT

Marry Me Or Else

Quote From: wanjikus

I am a woman in her forties and unmarried. If I was ever with a man and he told me he doesn't want to get married while that was my desire, I would take that to mean that he doesn't want to marry me. I would terminate the relationship in a kind way and move on.  When a ma says he doesn't want to get married it means he wants to be free to chose another partner because he feels you are not the one.

You have a good point.  However, some guys may actually not want to get married. No one will be the one.

 

I  do not intend to be judgemental in my comments below.  If someone wants to live-in and not marry, they should go ahead.  I know people who are live-ins where they are as happy as any couple can be.

 

Women who want to be married should not date men who do not and vice versa.  Yes, I understand about the overwhelming feelings of love and desire.  As you get older, you learn how to delay reaching for satisfaction if there is a more important issue at hand.  You wait to marry to find the man who is really the one, someone you can relax and be yourself around..  You delay satisfaction of having a new car while you save up to aviod high debt.  Have you really, really wanted something and got it and felt disappointed that it didn't make you feel the way you secretly expected to feel after you bought it?  Have you ever not gotten something you couldn't bear to live without and noticed that after a short while, the desire was gone?

 

It is hard enough to change a man by expecting him to put the cap on the toothpaste (I know someone who divorced over issues like this).  How can you expect to change his maind about getting married or having children?  Save yourself grief.

 

And, if you want to get married and the guy won't set a date...you can either take it and be happy or leave.  He's told you what is really in his heart.  Give him a break.

 
September 24, 2006, 7:20 pm CDT

Why buy the cow...

"Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free." 
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Next | Last