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Topic : 12/20 Marry Me or Else!

Number of Replies: 684
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Created on : Friday, September 22, 2006, 12:20:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/26/06) It’s do or die for the men today, as their partners tell them to either walk down the aisle or walk the highway! Tony and Mary have dated for 12 years, and have been engaged for eight. Mary wants to set a wedding date, but Tony says even after all these years, he’s not ready and still feels pressured to tie the knot. Does Tony fear getting married or getting married to Mary? Then, Rosanna has been dating her boyfriend, Dennis, for almost five years and says she’s tired of “playing house.” Dennis maintains that he told Rosanna from the start he didn’t want to get married. Should they just throw in the towel and move on? Plus, Robin shares some relationship tips, and the women finally take a stand and issue ultimatums for their men! Join the discussion.

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September 25, 2006, 7:27 am CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

Admittedly, I have not read all the posts here nor have I seen today's show as it has not air here yet. I do want to address one point that has been somewhat touched on here; Honesty.

 

If one does not want to marry, be honest about that. Give the other person the respect to be able to handle & heal from the possible ending of the relationship. And give the other person the opportunity to make a decision with full knowledge of what the two of you have or don't have.

 

Like wise, the person who wants the commitment & security marriage brings with it needs to be honest & open about that & follow through with it. No more begging & so forth. If the person says they don't not want to wed, accept that.

 

Unfortunately, the one who doesn't want to marry may try to "save the person's feelings" or "save them pain". IMO, that person is being dishonest & is actually worried more about being the "bad guy" & about appearing bad or mean than they are worried about the one who wants a marriage. The need to look like a "good guy/gal" whose just not sure can even bring about defensive behavior that causes the other person to feel responsible. Allegations of paranoia, being "wrong" & not trusting enough are a painful way to do this & one I've experienced.

 

I married a man who lied to me from the beginning about his feelings for me. We have 3 boys together & the one son I brought to the relationship. Now that all the truths have been admitted to & I can no longer/will no longer make excuses for him & myself, we are in a world of trouble.Counseling for the past year hasn't really helped even though I honestly believe we both gave it a real effort.

 

If one can save themselves such pain & hurt not only for themselves but for any children that may result, it should be done! And those years will never come back to you. Life happens so quick. Just think of how quick your child grow to remind yourself of that.

 
September 25, 2006, 7:34 am CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

Quote From: janessaluv

How long do you wait?

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

If I were you & he was as honest with me as he has apparently been with you, I would accept it!  He's given you the respect to be honest enough with you. Respect that, appreciate that & accept that. Otherwise you're being dishonest about your feelings with both him and yourself.

 

It's great that he's worth it. He can still be worth all the good things you want for him without being you spouse.

 
September 25, 2006, 7:40 am CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

I also want to say that if the one who refuses marriage finally "gives in", that does not mean they will behave or become a different person. They will likely still not follow through with their commitments. They will still be who they are & were before they married.

 

Likewise, they may have certain expectations of the marriage themselves that may make the marriage an even bigger mistake than all that waiting!

 
September 25, 2006, 7:54 am CDT

Ok i tryed that

Hello

Im 51 and have been married twice, Bipolar and two grown kids. I met a man about four years ago. Ohh he promised me . Boy did he. He promised he would marry me and show me how right the world is. Well the day his divorce was done to his wife of five years who had him in banckruptcy in that little amount of time. He called me to meet him at the bar. So I took my girlfriend to the bar with me to see why he wanted me there. In front of everyone, Mind you ,I dont drink. He said"Im never going to marry you , Hell no not ever, I would rather marry this woman i dont know instead of marring you!"Im never getting married again , unless this woman next to me wants to shes kinda cute." I was awwh struck , up till then i was the light of his life. Well I had not been diagnoised with bipolar till that week. I drove myself to the doctor and feel apart, I was humilated in public. Dont think theres much more of a bad thing you can do to a woman than that. .So I got help finally they found out what problems i was having. hell of a way to do it in my thoughts. So thinking that i could make a better go of it ,I tryed to get over that pain, not so good at it it kinda haunts me. I was able to find him a house he could afford , because he asked me too. I made sure he got all the deals i could find. I did pretty darn good at it . then i fixed the place up with my things. Looks pretty nice, Yet i still get nope im not ever going to marry you . I dont want to marry you things are fine the way they are. That means im on the streets the day he dies cause nothing he has Im allowed to have any part of and iif i leave him? well the car is his the truck is his and im waiting for disablity to go through so at least i can get a car. Every thing he told me was a lie, Ill get you a nice car to drive, Humm he got him a nice car to drive. He stole all my dreams and made them his, I have no were to go and no way to get there. Trust a man again, Not real soon.

 
September 25, 2006, 8:00 am CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

Quote From: our4sons

If I were you & he was as honest with me as he has apparently been with you, I would accept it!  He's given you the respect to be honest enough with you. Respect that, appreciate that & accept that. Otherwise you're being dishonest about your feelings with both him and yourself.

 

It's great that he's worth it. He can still be worth all the good things you want for him without being you spouse.

We are both very open and honest, that's one great thing about our relationship - our ability to communicate well. So, I should wait for him, even though he may never get to that point?
 
September 25, 2006, 9:09 am CDT

I am a women

 Well I am a women, that has been dating  a man since April,of this year. Yes, We did meet on the internet and see hit it off. I did live in the Midwest and flew out to Cali. to meet him. I had stayed for 3 weeks the 1st time and we talked constantly on the phone and by internet.  I had went back home what was to be for 3 weeks then to come back to see if we still had the same connection.He flew me back earlier it was crazy, most to the time we do great, yes we have both been married before I have been 2x , my 1st husband I divorced because of infidelity and my 2nd tried to kill me and put me in a coma... so yes I am very causious know. I feel I have reason to be and don't want to be preasured. I am also am a disabled womed due to nerve damage so the more he pressures me on this issues and argues with me which usually is at least every other day it effects my body.

 I do love him and many qaulities that he does show and have...

Now he has also has been married 2x and we do have to deal with his ex wife since his childen we have every week and she makes it hard... for him not me.

The thing I deal with is he wants to Marry Now and I would like to wait for at least a yr.. Yes there are some issues with in our relationship and yes we do have some arguments and he does not argue fair... oh would I love Dr. Phil to hear it...LOL 

when the marry  issues comes up he always says to me oh since I don't want to do it know I am a liar and I have done nothing but, sold him a bill of goods... which does not make me feel very good on the inside.  Not a bill of goods, we have not even known each other a yr or dated a yr and if we can't even work thru this issue without out name calling and him getting angry it makes me causious is all...

I have never once said I would not marry him, I do love him and his children I consider them my own...

My children are grown 20 and soon to be 30.

I do believe that men  or women that have been dating for years and don't want to step up to the plate though need to move on and except the truth. and find someone to love them and share with them the needs and wants of there dreams and desires.

 

any advice would be nice

 

 
September 25, 2006, 9:15 am CDT

Don't Push the Marriage Issue

  I don't think that anyone should push the marriage issue.  I know from experience with my second husband.  We were together five years before we set a wedding date.  When I tried to push the issue, he would clam up and refuse to talk about it.  I decided it was best to not talk about it until he was ready.  Well we have been married for two years now and we couldn't be happier.  I knew that when he was ready, it would be wonderful.  I wouldn't have wanted him to marry me just because I was pressuring him to marry me.  Hang in there.....sometimes they will surprise you....

 
September 25, 2006, 12:06 pm CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

Quote From: janessaluv

We are both very open and honest, that's one great thing about our relationship - our ability to communicate well. So, I should wait for him, even though he may never get to that point?

If you want children, if you do not know for an absolute that you will never want children (adopted or not), do you think it's wise to "wait" when you could go & find someone who is more than willing & able to do those things?

 

If you two are honest with each other & he has made it clear he wants no more children (hence, the surgery) or another marriage than there's nothing to wait for... except for you to accept him & his choices.

 

You know the answer. I would accept it now before I lost another second of my life.

 
September 25, 2006, 12:10 pm CDT

if you accept, there's no more waiting.

Quote From: janessaluv

We are both very open and honest, that's one great thing about our relationship - our ability to communicate well. So, I should wait for him, even though he may never get to that point?

 

 
September 25, 2006, 12:11 pm CDT

09/26 Marry Me or Else!

Quote From: marylou2

 Well I am a women, that has been dating  a man since April,of this year. Yes, We did meet on the internet and see hit it off. I did live in the Midwest and flew out to Cali. to meet him. I had stayed for 3 weeks the 1st time and we talked constantly on the phone and by internet.  I had went back home what was to be for 3 weeks then to come back to see if we still had the same connection.He flew me back earlier it was crazy, most to the time we do great, yes we have both been married before I have been 2x , my 1st husband I divorced because of infidelity and my 2nd tried to kill me and put me in a coma... so yes I am very causious know. I feel I have reason to be and don't want to be preasured. I am also am a disabled womed due to nerve damage so the more he pressures me on this issues and argues with me which usually is at least every other day it effects my body.

 I do love him and many qaulities that he does show and have...

Now he has also has been married 2x and we do have to deal with his ex wife since his childen we have every week and she makes it hard... for him not me.

The thing I deal with is he wants to Marry Now and I would like to wait for at least a yr.. Yes there are some issues with in our relationship and yes we do have some arguments and he does not argue fair... oh would I love Dr. Phil to hear it...LOL 

when the marry  issues comes up he always says to me oh since I don't want to do it know I am a liar and I have done nothing but, sold him a bill of goods... which does not make me feel very good on the inside.  Not a bill of goods, we have not even known each other a yr or dated a yr and if we can't even work thru this issue without out name calling and him getting angry it makes me causious is all...

I have never once said I would not marry him, I do love him and his children I consider them my own...

My children are grown 20 and soon to be 30.

I do believe that men  or women that have been dating for years and don't want to step up to the plate though need to move on and except the truth. and find someone to love them and share with them the needs and wants of there dreams and desires.

 

any advice would be nice

 

"...I have been 2x , my 1st husband I divorced because of infidelity and my 2nd tried to kill me and put me in a coma... so yes I am very causious know. I feel I have reason to be and don't want to be preasured."

 

If you have made your position clear - no hints, suggestions or "thoughts but actually stated it - he should respect your decision. I would not see him anymore.

 
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