Topic : 12/20 Marry Me or Else!

Been there, done that.

 

My (now) husband and I lived together for several years. I was fine with

the arrangement for a while. Year three came and went and I thought it was about time

we share more than the bills. We lived as man and wife, acted like man and

wife, and many people thought we were married. When a bill arrived one day

with his name as my last, I apologized. He said, and I quote..."I encourage you

to use my name."

 

But in the event he should pass, where does that leave me? Common law

doesn't count for squat in many cases. I may not even have a say in where

he was buried, nothing.

 

His ex wife's name was on the house along with his. In a bad situation, I'm out in the

cold with my two kids having to find a place to live. Thankfully he agreed to sell

the house, which at least relieved one concern.

 

Year four came and went. Year five and then six. Occasionally I would mention

concerns, but nothing major. Year seven came and went. Year eight, I said

that was it. Finally, with splotches of small discussions over what the holdup to marriage

was, I had enough. I asked for his patience and time to listen to what I had to say, and

I laid it all out there honestly. In brief, I said I was not giving him an ultimatium, I was merely

pointing out that I had to take care of myself and my kids. Playing roommates for life

was not in the plan, and I was moving on. Needless to say, the discussion ended with marriage.

 

I did not care at that point what his ex wife did. I didn't care what he'd been through.

Eight years of all I could give and yet he wasn't sure? Wasn't comfortable? Fine. But this

cow just closed for business.

 

 

Ladies, you're obviously very nurturing, since you'll obviously nurture even uninterested ungrateful men who refuse to get invested.  So stop leave those guys for good, walk away, and stop concentrating on getting married for awhile.  Here are my personal suggestions to how you might immediately start having a more rewarding life and ways to fulfil your need to love and be appreciated.

 

I don't know what either of your work situations is, but I hope you haven't been foolhardy enough to leave a career behind in order to fully execute the duties of domestic servant.  So here's some options. 

 

If you have a job and it pays well enough to support yourself, great.  Get yourself a house or apartment and move in and live with yourself for once.  Find yourself again.  Since you don't need a second job to survive, I highly recommend you use part of your spare time doing volunteer work, whether it be with animals or humans.  I guarantee you, you will go from "no appreciation" and being taken for granted to feeling very much appreciated and fulfilled and full of love immediately.  Not only will it satisfy your need to nurture and fill that void you're feeling, but it will also give you something to be proud of, something you can talk about to your friends and family which no one can possibly criticize.  Instead of them focusing on your "failed" relationship, they will be proud of you for sharing your love in an unselfish way and happy you are no longer wasting it on someone who doesn't care. 

 

If you have to have a second job to survive, as many of us do, I suggest that you look for a part-time second job that will be something new for you, preferably something you might like.  For example, if you love animals, maybe you work part-time at a vet office.  I have done such a wide range of second jobs that I know how to do a little bit of everything.  It really can come in handy.  Working that much takes a toll on you, so I advise that you hire a housekeeper to come in one every couple of months, if you're fairly neet in between, or as often as you need and can afford to take the stress off.  Then spend that time fitting in just a couple of hours of volunteer work on weekends if you want.  Or join a gym.  Or learn to play tennis.   Before long, you will have a full life and you will see that you can take care of yourself. 

 

Then once you have become happy with yourself and your life, maybe then you start letting men back in.  Play from a position of strength.  Every business man and athlete knows this.  Don't hook up out of desperation and lonliness.  Make your own life. 

 

If your childbearing years are over and you long for children, volunteer work is an ideal way to help children and to have them in your life.  If you feel secure enough in your careers and life and prove to yourself you can stand on your own two feet, maybe you should consider adoption and share your good life with someone who really needs your love.  Because you've already proven that you have endless patience!  No reason to let that go to waste.  Take you life back, ladies.  There is more than one way to have a fulfilling life, I promise.

 

And gentlemen:   If all you want is a servant who has sex, hire a maid and a prostitute.  Stop hurting people.   

If your bond is that strong then that piece of paper is meaningless anyway. Marriage IS just a piece of paper. Some people can be unmarried and have a stronger bond than someone else who IS married. A marriage certificate doesn't mean anything other than what it says.

You've said some lovely things, things that are very true, but (ya knew it was coming) the every woman comment is gonna get you in trouble.

 

a) Every woman, conscious of it or not (willing to admit it), has a couple of (calendar) dates in the back of their mind, regardless of they are aware of it or not:  some type of commitment to the relationship, whether it's dating exclusively, getting engaged, etc.

 

Women are not self aware and/or are lying?  I would tell you the calender comment is absolutely untrue in my case, but apparently there is a part of my brain I am unable to access.

 

Based on what you have written your wife is a lucky woman. Probably if you'd asked her she might have suggested different wording.

 this is in response to diane who left a message, that is fine diane if you and your bo have a wondeful unwed relationship. This was about people who do not agree  on getting married.

I think that the M word is really a scary thing to throw at some people.  The first time I used it on my fiance he almost swallowed his tongue.  It causes so many problems between people that love each other.  When It became an issue for us I just removed the dreaded M word.  "I love you, I want to spend my life with you, I want you to be my partner."  Is it true?  Then the question is, what is the difference between that sentance and this one:  "I want to marry you."  If the first sentance is true, then the second one is also.  My fiance wanted to be with me, he was just afraid to get married.  So we sat down and discussed why.  One of his biggest fears was caused by the financial issues he had in a previous relationship.  So before we talked anymore about a wedding we set up a household account and cleaned up any outstanding bills and credit card debt.  That made the 'M' word a lot less scary for him and it made me more open to the idea of a prenup when we started talking marriage again.  I think that if you cant sit down and discuss your fears openly, then marriage is just not an option.  Once we dealt with his fears openly he realized that we were already married in all but name and he suprised me with a proposal.  If we hadnt been able to make the decision together then we would never have been able to make a marriage work, a wedding is just a party afterall, its the rest of our lives that matters.

We have been together for over 20 years and I will not marry him. I do not need a piece of paper to say that I am committed to him. I have ensured that he has all the rights that marriage would give him, I wear a wedding band (my great, great grandmothers) but I just do not see any reason to pay money to the government. In the eyes of our familes and friends we are married and that is all that matters.

I am confused on the whole marriage issue. Why is it that relationships HAVE to go in the direction of marriage? I have always known that I did not ever want to be married. At an indecisive time in my life I did get married and looking back on it, I just do not understand why people do that. I really want some feedback on this. I have been asking people about this for years. dankolo@cox.net

Doctor Else Marry Me Or Phil/Robin. What are you talking about? I thought that getting marry was a away out. But I geust not. See you tomorrow Afternoon. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.----

I just have to give my own testament to what is happening. I did the SAME thing these women are doing. I gave the ultimatum. I had been with Sean for 3 years. We lived together  I told him either buy the cow or no more free milk. He proposed. Six months later I found out he was cheating on me. He felt pressured to marry me and wanted a way out. He found his way out. Needless to say, yeah I was hurt. But I moved on. I took my time, no more ultimatums, and now I am HAPPILY married with an 11 month old son. Way happier than Sean ever made me. I took it slow, and got someone who really loved me. It is worth the time, effort and even past heartaches. If you push a man into a corner, he may do what you want, but if it isn't right, he will  either break your heart later, or things will eventually just fall apart.