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Topic : The Other Woman

Number of Replies: 2963
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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September 18, 2008, 10:32 am CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: ritehere

BG, like the previous poster said, no (verbal) answer is still an answer.

I think at this point, you need to stop listening to what he says or doesn't say, and begin evaluating his actions.

You have been projecting YOUR thoughts and beliefs on him, saying that TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING you two were never about the sex. That you thought there was more to it.

Now, he is showing you, by his actions, WHAT HE BELIEVES. He is showing you that from his side of things, SEX IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

Without the sex, you are getting pretty anxious aren't you?

So now what?

I don't know! Am i going crazy i don't know what to say or do anymore
 
September 18, 2008, 2:06 pm CDT

Blown by any wind

Quote From: bamagirl13

I don't know! Am i going crazy i don't know what to say or do anymore

Yes, that is your problem isn't it?

You have given him all your power, your happiness resides in what he wants. So if he were to end the relationship, you would be devastated correct?

How do you take back your power and control? Well, I asked you earlier what do you want. You said to be loved and be happy. I then asked you what sort of a person you would have to be to be loved and be happy. You side-stepped that question.

Why?

I think it's because you are afraid. This affair gives you a little of what you want so badly. It helps you to get through the days in between seeing this guy right? You are afraid that it will end and you will have nothing correct? It's like an addiction that you keep feeding because thinking about life without it is too unbearable at the moment.

But what if you were single and free? Would you still pursue this man even though he is already married and not likely to leave his wife? Or would you expand your horizons and begin dating other men that have the same qualities as this man, except that they would be free to spend all of their free time with you?

Don't you deserve to know the answer to this question? Don't you deserve to know what this man really thinks of you by making yourself as available to him as you possibly can? Don't you deserve to live without the lies and deception? Don't you deserve to be loved and happy?

In order to have those things, you must first learn how to give them to yourself. If you don't love and honor your life, why would anybody else?

 

 
September 18, 2008, 4:06 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: ritehere

Yes, that is your problem isn't it?

You have given him all your power, your happiness resides in what he wants. So if he were to end the relationship, you would be devastated correct?

How do you take back your power and control? Well, I asked you earlier what do you want. You said to be loved and be happy. I then asked you what sort of a person you would have to be to be loved and be happy. You side-stepped that question.

Why?

I think it's because you are afraid. This affair gives you a little of what you want so badly. It helps you to get through the days in between seeing this guy right? You are afraid that it will end and you will have nothing correct? It's like an addiction that you keep feeding because thinking about life without it is too unbearable at the moment.

But what if you were single and free? Would you still pursue this man even though he is already married and not likely to leave his wife? Or would you expand your horizons and begin dating other men that have the same qualities as this man, except that they would be free to spend all of their free time with you?

Don't you deserve to know the answer to this question? Don't you deserve to know what this man really thinks of you by making yourself as available to him as you possibly can? Don't you deserve to live without the lies and deception? Don't you deserve to be loved and happy?

In order to have those things, you must first learn how to give them to yourself. If you don't love and honor your life, why would anybody else?

 

YOU know i have thought about that before if i was single would i still want him, and i keep answering that the same way Yes, i know this sounds sill, But I love this guy, I love him so much and i'm so happy when we are together and everything is right. I could have never guessed that i could be so in love with someone this way,

And yes i think i do deserve to know my questions. Thats why i ask him them

 
September 18, 2008, 4:57 pm CDT

It doesn't sound silly to me

Quote From: bamagirl13

YOU know i have thought about that before if i was single would i still want him, and i keep answering that the same way Yes, i know this sounds sill, But I love this guy, I love him so much and i'm so happy when we are together and everything is right. I could have never guessed that i could be so in love with someone this way,

And yes i think i do deserve to know my questions. Thats why i ask him them

But you see, asking HIM all these questions is giving all your power away to him. Do you see that your whole life is hanging on what he says or doesn't say? He is choosing to keep you unbalanced and confused.

 Take back your power by getting control of your ship that is heading for the waterfall. If you leave all your decisions, and the fate of your happiness, up to others, you will continue to feel unloved and unhappy.

Dr Phil says that we create our own experience, and I have to agree with him.

ASK yourself, are you willing to get a divorce so that you will be free? Are you willing to get a divorce and be free even if this mm doesn't do the same? (He might not, you know.)

Are you willing to take the hard but necessary steps to straighten out the mess in your life?

As I see it, this is your first step in becoming somebody that is worthy of true love, and can give it freely in return.

If you are not willing to divorce, why?

 

 
September 22, 2008, 7:29 am CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: ritehere

But you see, asking HIM all these questions is giving all your power away to him. Do you see that your whole life is hanging on what he says or doesn't say? He is choosing to keep you unbalanced and confused.

 Take back your power by getting control of your ship that is heading for the waterfall. If you leave all your decisions, and the fate of your happiness, up to others, you will continue to feel unloved and unhappy.

Dr Phil says that we create our own experience, and I have to agree with him.

ASK yourself, are you willing to get a divorce so that you will be free? Are you willing to get a divorce and be free even if this mm doesn't do the same? (He might not, you know.)

Are you willing to take the hard but necessary steps to straighten out the mess in your life?

As I see it, this is your first step in becoming somebody that is worthy of true love, and can give it freely in return.

If you are not willing to divorce, why?

 

I am willing to get a divorce even if he's not, I'm in the process of saving up money right now, to pay for everything and not having to be in finacale need later with my two kids.....

I don't know how to take power. I want this man in my life

 
September 22, 2008, 9:52 am CDT

The beginnings

Quote From: bamagirl13

I am willing to get a divorce even if he's not, I'm in the process of saving up money right now, to pay for everything and not having to be in finacale need later with my two kids.....

I don't know how to take power. I want this man in my life

BG, you are already beginning to take your power back if you have decided what you want, have a course of action laid out, and have started action to get there.

My only question is why aren't you talking to your husband about divorce? Why do you think you have to pay for it all by yourself? He is in the marriage too  you know. He may be just as willing to divorce as you, but was as afraid to bring it up as you.

Why haven't you mentioned it to him?

 

And by the way, does it feel better to have a plan?

 
September 22, 2008, 7:08 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: ritehere

BG, you are already beginning to take your power back if you have decided what you want, have a course of action laid out, and have started action to get there.

My only question is why aren't you talking to your husband about divorce? Why do you think you have to pay for it all by yourself? He is in the marriage too  you know. He may be just as willing to divorce as you, but was as afraid to bring it up as you.

Why haven't you mentioned it to him?

 

And by the way, does it feel better to have a plan?

Me and my husband has talked about divorce. Only reason we haven't is our child together he will fight for him big time.... I have been thru a divorce before when i was 18 and i know how expensive it will be i paid for my lawyer he paid for his, and my husband now will fight harder then my ex did for his child.....He's done told me when we divorce he is getting him, but i will fight him, i know how much it takes....

I've had this plan for awhile i call it my 5 year plan, i just opened up my own office 2 years ago, which was in my plan also.... Now i just have to save up money.....

 

But i want this mm in my life weather i'm married or not...

 
September 23, 2008, 6:07 am CDT

Seems to me....

Quote From: bamagirl13

Me and my husband has talked about divorce. Only reason we haven't is our child together he will fight for him big time.... I have been thru a divorce before when i was 18 and i know how expensive it will be i paid for my lawyer he paid for his, and my husband now will fight harder then my ex did for his child.....He's done told me when we divorce he is getting him, but i will fight him, i know how much it takes....

I've had this plan for awhile i call it my 5 year plan, i just opened up my own office 2 years ago, which was in my plan also.... Now i just have to save up money.....

 

But i want this mm in my life weather i'm married or not...

This mm will see you as and when it's convenient to HIM provided it doesn't  overtly impinge on his marriage and provided you don't bother him with making commitments for the future.  Personally I wouldn't settle for that.
 
September 23, 2008, 9:12 am CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: a_n_other

This mm will see you as and when it's convenient to HIM provided it doesn't  overtly impinge on his marriage and provided you don't bother him with making commitments for the future.  Personally I wouldn't settle for that.
Thats what i'm trying to fix i'm tired of getting to see him when he wants to ..... on his time... I don't know how to fix that though, cause i do want to see him.
 
September 23, 2008, 9:24 am CDT

consider all angles

Quote From: bamagirl13

Thats what i'm trying to fix i'm tired of getting to see him when he wants to ..... on his time... I don't know how to fix that though, cause i do want to see him.

BG, what you have to be strictly aware of though is that you cannot control your mm. He will continue to do what he wants to do. If he wants to stay married and only keep you on the side, that is what he will do.

I would stay your course though. Resolving the mess with your husband is the first and vital step you have to take to be in control of your destiny again.

Don't think that this divorce will be like the last. Like the people in them, divorces are all different. If there is a way to settle things in a friendly manner, wouldn't that be better than a huge court battle with your child in the middle?

And what is wrong with giving your husband part custody or generous visitation? A child needs and deserves all the love he/she can get. The child should not be part of the animosity and legal battles. I urge you to find a way to talk with your husband and negotiate a friendly split. Every minute you spend doing this is worth it in the long run.

I wish the best for you. Don't expect too much from the mm, in most cases they just don't deliver.

 
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