Topic : The Other Woman

No, you don't sound crazy. Desperate maybe, but not crazy.

What if your mm IS just in it for the sex? What if he's keeping mum because he doesn't want to tell you a lie, but the truth would cause you to stop having sex with him?

Or what if it's something so lame that he feels ashamed of himself and can't think of it much less say it to you? Like...he's staying married because he's afraid his wife will take him to the cleaners if he divorces her.

How long do you figure it will take you and hubby to get out of debt? Do you have kids together?

My plan is to have my business debts paid off in 6 months or less. Yes we have one child together....

this mm has done told me that he'd lose everything if he divorces his wife... But i'm not asking for him to do that i'm asking for him to tell how he feels thats all ......

 

This man is feeling pressured by you, you are asking him for something that he does not want to do. You are asking him to be honest. It also sounds like this man is looking for a easy way to get out of this affair, whith out it blowin up in his face. The reason that he changes the subject and can not talk about "US" is because to him there is no "US". The is him and you, and it seems to me that no matter how you want to dice it or slice it, the truth of the matter is it really is just sex. He does not feel about you like a love, wife, soul mate, what ever you want to call it, if he did, his marriage would have been ended and he would not be treating you like a call girl, that he can call when he gets the urge, and there are no strings attached.

The writing on the wall... this man wants out, and in a very short time he is going to be more and more distant with you and calling you less and less.

for him it is simply trying the best way to end it with you...since you have nothing to lose and have lost it all anyway, while he still has much to lose...

It is sad to me that he plays all the same games, like trying to make this about you, and not him. for instance, he says you got mad at me, and I dont want to make you mad.  so you are the bad girl and he is the victim, laughable, but thats the truth of the matter. He is graspijng at straws and no matter how short it may be he is going to use it if it gives him an opportunity to end this with the least amount of pain for him.

that is the plain and simple truth, honestly, if you told him it was over, he would be sighing in relief, but you already know that don't you? I'm sorry for you, because deep down i think you already know the truth and are hoping that some one will have the answer you are desperatly looking for, unfortuantly, most people willing to share their time, thoughts, perceptions, and experiences, will tell you the truth. The truth is this is over, and he is simply trying to soften his fall, it is not about you at all.

Tammy

About a year and a half ago I almost left my husband.  We have since worked things out and he and I both have gone to counseling.  I have felt better about my marriage and been the happiest I have ever been in 16 years this last year.  We were having many problems, one of them being his female friends.  I believe that he did have an affair, which, he swears that he did not.  The story goes; he works in a hospital and he met a woman there ( that he worked with) and over the years he became very good friends.  It got to the point that she was calling him at night wanting to know if he would meet her out with her friends at bars.  Also, he would call her at her home when he was working the late shift to meet him for dinner.  I along with everyone else thought he was having an affair.  He claims he was absolutely not.  He had no feelings for her other than friendship.  Know remember he was also taking his breaks hanging out in her office.  When I finally told him that I was not going to put up with him and her anymore he said he would stop.  He claims that he did not realize that it was inappropriate for a married man to call a single woman at home to meet him for dinner regardless of whether he is at work or not.  Anyway, we talked, got help, he stayed away from her, and everything has been great.

New story, We live in an area that a hurricane just demolished and people are working together that normally do not work together.  I have noticed that for the last month and a half he talks about a girl (she is 25) every single night.  He couldn't go one night without mentioning her.  I finally tell him I really do not want to hear about her anymore and he says I am right and he is sorry.  I tell him that I think he should be careful and not let this friendship get out of hand like the last one.  He says that he wont.  He then confesses that she asked him to go play tennis after work.  He says he does not want to tell her that it is inappropriate for the two of them to be hanging out after work.  He just will not go.  I asked why didn't you mention this before?  His response was I didn't feel that it was significant because I was not going to go anyway.  He also tells me that the reason he has been playing poker online so much here lately is because he is playing with her.  The part I do not like about this is that I asked him a week ago:  What is the sudden interest in poker and his response was, I do not know.  She called him the other night while they were playing poker and I am thinking why are you calling him.  Well come to find out he is texting her to play poker. 

My question is am I making a mountain out of a mole hill. Am I just upset because I do not want to go through what I went through before, or am I just being wrong.  I do not think that if a woman asks a married man to spend time with her after work that he should be having any contact with her after work (ie. poker).  To me that is just encouraging her that that is okay.  Although their only contact is about online poker.  I just wished he had told me immediately when she asked him to go play tennis and I wish he had just said he was playing poker with her when I asked what his sudden interest with poker was.  Because she has asked him to go somewhere after work with him, should he have nothing to do with outside of work (ie. calling each other to ask if they want to play poker)?  Or is this okay, because he did not go with her?

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, his last relationship WAS an affair. This one is becoming one too.

I'm glad that your husband was upfront with you when you confronted him, he has at least learned that much. He still has to learn to tell other women, hey, I'm flattered but married, no thanks.

There will always be others that will go as far as you let them. It is up to each of us to put the brakes on it if we honor and value our spouses, marriages, and commitments.

You must impress upon your husband that HE needs to stop encouraging other women, or it is YOU that will be discouraged and unhappy. This is a weakness on his part. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you that was being paid attention to by other men,  it was you that was encouraging them to continue?

there is no good reason for your husband to be fraternizing with other women, married or single it matters not. He is married to one woman, you, and you are the woman in his life. If he is feeling the need to have his ego strocked by other women, or feels the need to emotianlay conect with other women, then he needs to be talking to you about it, not meeting those needs through other women. you and he need to get to the bottom of why he feles the need to connect to other woman, and not you.

In my opinion it is not okay for him to be setting up play dates with this woman.

This needs to stop, the fact that he claims he did not realizeit was inappropriate for a married man to be going on dates with another woman, seems ludicrous to me, but maybe he genuinley feels it was ok, now he knows it is not. How does he think he would feel if you developed a freindship with another man, especially one that was single and available? did you ask him?If he was being totally honest with you and himself, he would not feel good about it at all, just like you do not feel respected, loved, cherished, and honoured, when he makes dates with other women.

One thing that I really have to commend you for is putting the responsability on him! Good for you!

He is the married man, he is the one that made the commitments and took the vows, he is the one that has a vested interest in this marriage, therefore he is the one that needs to make things right. you did not sign up for a "Open" marriage, and he has to realize that this BS has to stop now, today, that it is not right, it is not fair, it is hurtful, demoralizing, and insensative. Put your feelings forward, and let him know you are not playing games, this is not rights, and he needs to really start getting honest and working on his issues. I really hope things work out for the best for you, keep in touch.

Tammy

 

This past year I noticed a big change in my husband, suddnely he has started to "oggle" with his eyes bugging out  over other women in front of me. I was so shocked the first time i noticed this, that I did not say anything right away. Of course it has gotten so bad that i have told him, and he always says he is not doing anything wrong. Yesterday while shopping he was so bad doing this he was falling over his own feet, he now makes sure he walks behind me "every where we go" so I won't see what he is doing. I could not wait to get back home so I would not see his behavior. Once again he says he is not doing anything wrong, or that I am imaging this. Can you tell me why all of a sudden he started doing this as we have always had a good relationship in our marriage, at least I thought so.

First of all, I understand why you posted on this board, but it's not really a subject for this board. You would have been better posting it on the "Infideltiy", "Cheated On", or "Relationship Myths" boards. I tell you this because sometimes posts will be deleted if they stray off topic. The topic of this one is reserved for those that are currently, or have been, the other women in affairs with married men.

That said, you need to stop seeing this as "right" or "wrong" behavior. You are getting mired in the question of "why", so you are missing the point.

The point is, he IS doing it, and he is doing it in your presense. You are hurt, and he is intentionally hurting you. Stop wondering WHY, and face the fact that he wants to hurt you. You can wonder about it all day, but if he is not going to be honest with you and explain his behavior- like, I'm feeling neglected, or taken for granted, or I'm feeling like I missed out on something in life, or whatever- then you will forever be in the dark. Instead of lamenting the fact that you are in the dark, do something about the way he's making you feel.

Confront him and say something like, "Look, I have no idea why you are acting like a 17 year old boy all of a sudden, but you are. I have been embarrassed and ashamed to be around you when you are acting this way. It's come to my attention that others see you acting this way also, and they give me pitying looks. I don't want their pity, I want you to grow up and be the man I married. If you can't do that, and respect me as the wife you've been married to all these years, we're in big trouble!"

I wouldn't give him any ultimatums, like "I'll divorce you if you don't do what I want." Ultimatums have a way of backfiring, and making us either put up or shut up, so you don't want to do that. You want to be truthful, but point out that his behavior is hurtful and you don't like it, and that others see it also (which they do!)

If he asks you what you mean by "big trouble" explain to him that  you don't know the extent of it yet, as you don't know what is prompting his behavior. The goal is to get him talking to you honestly about what is going on with him.

I wish you luck, come back and let us know how it goes, but maybe choose a different board?

I've been reading the posts on this topic dating back to October 2005, and so I just wanted to put in my two cents worth.

 

We met through a personal ad, many years ago, emailing eachother and chatting online at first.  About a year into it we finally met, offline.  I was just looking for someone to fill the void I was feeling in my own marriage.  Just someone to talk with, bounce ideas off of and who would offer understanding.  He was just looking for an affair.....wanting 'the best of both worlds." 

 

I gave him my friendship, my affectiion and my love.....This year I decided to see if what he had been telling me was really true, he said I was "very special" and held a special place in his heart.  I was everything his wife wasn't.  Well I came to realize he was just a player and I was played like a fool.  I discovered on my own that he was posting his profile on various dating websites AS WELL AS soliciting prostitutes online.  SO this year I had finally had enough and "saw the light" AND dumped him!!! 

 

The lesson learned here is, you cannot go outside of your marriage to seek fulfillment elsewhere.  That is a fantasy.  And any married man who ventures outside of his marriage for any reason, is NOT to be trusted!  If he can disrespect his wife, he can disrespect you as well.  

 

I had been holding this person on a pedestal for many years, not realizing what he was REALLY about.  All these years I have been neglecting my own marriage, hoping for something with this person.  THANK GOD I was able to see him for who he really is.  NOW, I see the good man that I am married to and will do my best to get us back on track.  I will never go back to being "the other woman."

 

 

 

Thank your lucky stars that you didn't get a more harsh lesson than you did! You don't have to read very far on these boards to find those that have been the recipients of STD's due to relations with others that like to play the field.

 

Have you learned the pitfalls to avoid? The vulnerabilities that make us  susceptible to affairs?

We all long to be loved and accepted, and fear rejection.