Topic : The Other Woman

If you recall i've talked about being with my mm and he use to talk about the first affair i had serval years back, well i use to think that if that guy i dated ever got maried that he wouldn't be talking about that guy and things about me and him that things could still work out boy was i wrong, my mm found out yesterday that that guy did get married he called me yesterday and asked when it happened and i had no ideal, so i told him i don't know didn't know he did. Today my mm is talking about how sorry he is for ruining my life with that other guy, and i told him he didn't it was my choice and i'm where i want to be, and he said no that guy was my choice before him, and he's been thinking about what if 's for me and how things could be different for me..... I said i'm not worried about it why are you.... What can i do or say to make him understand that i love him and want to be with him,

There's nothing you can say to him.

BG, the force of your wishing that he is going to love only you is never going to make it so.

He gets attacks of guilt every now and then, and that is why he says the things he does, and why he cools it with you every now and then. He feels guilty because he does not intend to leave his wife, and he does not intend to stop seeing you either.

It has always been up to you to either put up with it or leave. So, you will either keep on playing by his rules and putting up with his attacks of guilt and riding out his moods, or you will one day get tired of it and move on.

I'm sure if his wife finds about you he will blame it all on you. It's an old old story.

BG, you've been coming here since March, and everybody keeps telling you the same thing. Dr Phil says that people will only take in what they understand, so obviously you don't understand what we're saying, or you don't believe it. So, I'm going to stop telling you what I think this guy is thinking and doing

.

You have definitely decided that this guy is the one for you, and you keep asking, "what do I say?" and "what do I do?" to get him to stop pushing you away.

 

You need to look at yourself and be brutally honest with yourself.

 

What sort of person do you have to be to make him leave his wife and live with, or marry you? Obviously, you are not that person yet, because all he wants is a bit on the side while keeping you a secret from everybody including his wife, who he doesn't intend to divorce.

 

In his book, you are not worth the trouble of divorcing his wife and telling the world that he loves you and wants only you.  And why do you suppose that is? Could it be because he caught you in an affair with another man prior to your affair with him? Do you think he believes that you are seeing only him, while still being married? Do you think he trusts you?  What sort of woman is his wife? What is it about her that keeps him married to her, even though he is not truthful or faithful to her?

 

These are the questions you have to ask of yourself. In order to "get" somebody else, you have to "be" the kind of person they want. People will treat you exactly the way you think you deserve to be treated.

 I am the married woman. I am here because I am trying to understand why men cheat. I was marrieds for 26 and 1/2 years. I still in love with my husband. He was the l.ast person anyone thought would leave me for another woman. I can't seem to let it go. I have no real answers. He won't speak to me and I have no closure. I am not a hateful person. I don't hate Casey , the other woman. She won't talk to me and I really don't understand why. I have been really kind in my two letters to her. I still want my husband to come home and work it out with me but I know its never going to happen. I need answers and I feel that its only fair to be honest with me. Why won't he or she at least give me that much?

Speaking to the other woman would not help. They are in a fantasy land right now and thinking only

of themselves and what their needs and wants are.

I hate to say it but was your marriage strong all along ? Not to blame you but most men and

women cheat because there is something wrong in the marriage. As humans instead of working

it out with our partners we go somewhere else for love and attention. Its not right but its the way it is.

I bet he is telling her all sort of bad things about you and why he left you.

You need counseling and support. You need family and friends.  You need tons of things for you.

You cant control him or her. All you can do is help yourself and maybe  your husband comes to his

senses. If he does and wants to come back there is alot of work and tough road ahead for you but

you have to be both willing to work on the marriage not just you.

If you want closure then sue him for divorce and move on. Talk is cheap and its the actions that count.

On another note my sister was seeing a married man and his wife found out. The wife harassed

and threatened my sister for a year. my sis and the guy broke up but the wife wants revenge on my sis

and its still going on. I am not sure that my sis has ended it. She says she has but I dont know.

Why is the wife still harassing and calling her . In my opinion and what I have learned in therapy is that

you could be lowering yourself to your husband's and his so called gfriends level by trying to talk to them and make sense of the whole darn thing. There is no sense to it and if you try to figure it out

you will make yourself crazy.

 

I have to disagree with lifeisajourney, people don't cheat because there is a problem, or problems, in the marriage. They cheat because there is something wrong within themselves and instead fo confronting it, they look for answers and ego-boosts in those that are willing to provide it. They con themselves that their spouses are to blame, and this gives them an excuse to feel OK about what they do. Once they see that this "works" for them, they usually go on to tell all sorts of negative things about the spouse to the lover, in the process convincing themselves that what they are doing is justified.

 

You are accountable for your role in the demise of your marriage, maybe you took him for granted or ignored signs that he was restive or anxious, but you are in no way to blame for his infidelity. That was a choice he made, and one that bears consequences.

 

It appears to me that you must have had a pretty strong marriage for it to have lasted for 26 1/2 years.

Sometimes men feel they have missed out on something as they mature, I can't say what the case is for your husband. And since he has shut you out entirely, you can't know either.

 

Going to the other woman won't help you, you are the absolute last person she wants to talk to because you make her feel guilty. And besides, this is really between you and your husband.  In fact, I would hazard a guess that your husband feels guilty too, and that's why he won't talk to you. No matter what he says, he knows it will sound shallow and self-serving, because that's what infidelity is. It is the act of avoiding your problems by using another to make you feel better, instead of turning to the person you are involved with already.

 

Don't look to either of them for fair play, there's nothing fair about infidelity. Your focus needs to be on you now, what you are going to do about this situation that was thrust upon you and how to go through with it.

  There is this man that I got involved with who said things were over with him and his partner (a partner I didn't know about from the start), that he really wanted me, that there was no choice to be made, that he was leaving with or without me in his life. He eventually chose to work things out with her after a year of our spending time together. Where they live together, they are considered common-law husband and wife; and as he words it: "His Bank Account Does The Talking." He will never say to me that he really loves her, that he wants to work things out with her and that "LOVE" does the talking, only that the bank account does.   We live in Canada, and when you live with someone for at least a year, you are considered Common-law husband and wife.  They have been together for at least 7 or 8 years now.  Before I got the truth out of him, he told me that he had sought legal advice; and there was no way around having to give her half of everything that he has.  He was always concerned about his financial well-being, when we were spending time together, should he leave her and give up half of everything to her.

He has no problem, though, telling me that he still thinks about me, and misses me. When I run into him in the building that we both work in, he is very pleasant and polite, wants to know how I am doing and compliments me on how I look and on what I am wearing. At the start of some conversations, he will say, "Hello Georgeous or Hello Beautiful, or Hello Cutie."

It has been well over a year since we have stopped seeing each other romantically, and even though I know that I am better off without him; there is this part of me that still misses him.

We have always been able to talk to each other so easily and still can. He even remarked over a month ago about all of the conversations that we had. He also told me that he still thinks about me....that there is no harm in that, and that he still misses me. We both know that we can't be together again, but it is still hard sometimes. For the most part, I am really strong and don't mind it somedays when I don't see him; but when I do and we start talking; it brings everything back. I remember how good it felt knowing how much he wanted me in his life, and how he would light up when he saw me, him telling me that he loves me; and having to realize now how much everything has changed; although talking to each other comes very easily still.

I did something really stupid, though.  A few days ago I called his office, and he answered the phone in a very strange way by saying, "Are you calling me to tell me it was good for you too?" After that I couldn't even say anything. I don't know why he would answer the phone that way, as he never did before. His phone doesn't have call display, that could have been anybody on the other end. I guess he was curious as to who was on the other end, but he eventually hung up. I was just going to say, "Hi, how are you?", but after that opening; I didn't know what to say.  He really made a fool out of himself my answering the phone that way.

Why would he answer the phone that way when he was still on the job?

I guess I am looking for advice on how to totally get him out of my head and forget him completely; and not even want to talk to him no matter how nice he is.

Where he isn't mean or insensitive when he sees me, he doesn't make it easy for me to hate him, or not want to talk to him.

What would you do if you were me?

Also, I still have letters and poetry that he gave me when we were spending time together; and I was just wondering whether I should keep them or get rid of them. I am having a hard time making up my mind on that one.

Thanks, and I am looking forward to hearing from you very soon with your opinions and advice on what I just wrote.

Jasmine

He answered the phone that way because he either has caller ID now and knew it was you, or he is having an affair with somebody else. Take your pick.

What would I do if I were you?

 

I've answered this question before. You've been coming to the boards for several months asking the same questions, making it appear that you have given him the big good-bye and that he keeps pursuing you.

 

So why is it that you are calling him? Are you so insecure that you are flattered by his attention? Guys have a name for women that give mixed signals, "come on, go away" like you are giving.

 

He can't be any clearer if he wrote it on the wall in capitals, YOU, AND HIS "WIFE", ARE JUST PAWNS FOR HIS PLEASURE AND AMUSEMENT. YOU BOTH TAKE A BACK SEAT TO HIS BANK ACCOUNT!

Now ask yourself, do you really want to keep playing these headgames with someone so shallow, or do you want to get over him and find somebody that is worth your time and energy?

To get him out of your head, STOP calling him, stop talking to him, and pursue someone else.

Several years ago I had an affair for a couple months with a man I worked with. We ended it and tried to be just friends and colleagues. After I left that job, I accepted Christ and I realized the seriousness and stupidity of what I had done, the real reasons why I had fallen into that mistake (my low, low self esteem and naivite), and that trying to be "friends" was dangerous. So I asked him to not even contact me as a friend again. After that we had contact about two or three times a year, but strictly for business related matters, he tried to be very friendly but I would politely cut him off. 

But finally last week I realized that for this kind of guy any type of contact opens a window for trying new things. The week before he called me supposedly for a business question and he started to ask about my holidays and told me how his family was away on vacation. Then last week he called to invite for me coffee. I was immediately PISSED OFF at his attitude since I had already asked not to be contacted as a "friend" or tobe asked out, so I sarcastically asked "where, at your place?" (since I already knew his family was not home) to which he excitedly replied "sure, if you want to!".  I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT. I hung up and SMS him saying that he was the worst kind of man, a two-faced liar, that I was stupid to think he could have understood the graveness of the situation, that I hoped his daughter would never run into a guy like him, that he should never again contact me for any reason at all.

This is where it gets interesting, so this morning he calls me to tell me that he (the dumbass!!) did not erase the messages and his wife, who never checks his phone but did last nigth, found the messages and is freaking out. He asked me that if she calls I should tell her it was a mistake, that the message was intended for someone else. After all, he says,  "I have no idea why you sent me that message, I did not do anything wrong". After hearing him say that I just hung up, he makes me SICK!

My question is:  what should I tell her if she calls? I am TERRIBLE at lying to someone's face, I am afraid I will mess up if I try to lie for him. But on the other hand I don't want to cause her any worries at this point. I am so freaked out each time the phone rings! Please help!

I'm going to apologize ahead of time for answering your question with a question, but it will help you to understand your situation.

What are you MOST afraid of about a possible call from this cheater's wife?