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Topic : The Other Woman

Number of Replies: 2963
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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October 19, 2005, 1:15 pm CDT

Not the woman he married...

Quote From: lutt0031

I have spoken to this woman and she is the first person to tell you that she tolerates him. She has even told me that she raised those kids in spite of him...please, the nanny raised those kids. He will leave...so don't tell me that he won't, he will. You know part of me feels like he should be alone. I'd be happier if he wasn't with her at all. She is a spiteful witch and I hate her. I know many of the things I know not just from him but people who know her. She is not the woman he married. You are right that she thinks he's there for her and it kills me. I HATE IT. I cannot even tell you how mad this situation has made me. As long as she feels he's not with me, she wins. Well, the joke is on her because she is in a loveless marriage. I do not believe that he is with her for any other reason than because it's comfortable. I am not talking myself into loving him. I do love him. He has said nice things about her but there were very few things.
 The wife just tolerates him, and others even agree that she is "not the woman he married." That doesn't say much for his influence on her does it?

What about his influence on you? Have you introduced him to your family, friends, co-workers? Can you go anywhere with him, and are OK with people you both know seeing you out together? Can you claim that you are an honest person with an open attitude and a life that is characterized as "an open book"? Has this affair led you to make new friends and a happier, more serene lifestyle? Have you been able to make any long term plans for yourself since you started meeting him?

You seem to be an intelligent woman, why would you settle for this?
 
October 19, 2005, 1:23 pm CDT

Well yes she is a victim,

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not think he is a victim, at all. I know he is to blame for this. The point I was trying to make is that everytime you hear about infidelity the wife is the victim. That is not always the case. Many times women look the other way for a variety of reasons, either they don't want to alter their lifestle financially, or they don't want to have sex and are happy they don't have to give it up. The point is that many of the wives know there is trouble and DO NOTHING. It's more fun to be victimized and call their girlfiends and boohoo to them how they are taken for granted. Lack of action is just as bad as action . To neglect someone and ignore their needs is just as bad as acting out with another person. They are both at fault and each of them are accountable for their action or inaction. My feeling is that I was duped but I do not feel that he intentionally went into a relationship with me to hurt me. I think he realized that his wife held more of the cards than he thought. He also didn't count on the kids telling him that unless he stayed with their mother they'd never to speak to him again. She is playing this up something fierce, too. She has the power to tell the kids that the problem is between them but she has chosen to tell him that if he doesn't stay she'll tell the kids the affair details. Right now they only think he's befriended another woman. They do not know about the sex and the length of the relationship. This is the reason why I abhor this woman. I don't care how hurt you are...don't drag your children into it.
And so are you. Again, listen to what you are saying. You said "I know he is to blame for this." He did not try to do something about his bad marriage. They may have been going downhill for years, and yes, they are both at fault. But you DO NOT bring in an outsider (you) in a short term attempt to make yourself feel better.

This is what he did. He didn't get a divorce AND THEN start seeing you. He just went right out and started an affair with you, telling you he intended to leave her. You are both victims of his inexcusable selfishness and inablility to make a decision. I repeat, do you REALLY want this kind of spineless fool to dictate your happiness?

Take yourself out of his life until he cleans up his prior mess. If he never does, then you know that he never did intend to. Stop being the victim and be the hammer.
 
October 19, 2005, 4:10 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: ritehere

And so are you. Again, listen to what you are saying. You said "I know he is to blame for this." He did not try to do something about his bad marriage. They may have been going downhill for years, and yes, they are both at fault. But you DO NOT bring in an outsider (you) in a short term attempt to make yourself feel better.

This is what he did. He didn't get a divorce AND THEN start seeing you. He just went right out and started an affair with you, telling you he intended to leave her. You are both victims of his inexcusable selfishness and inablility to make a decision. I repeat, do you REALLY want this kind of spineless fool to dictate your happiness?

Take yourself out of his life until he cleans up his prior mess. If he never does, then you know that he never did intend to. Stop being the victim and be the hammer.
I appreciate what you're saying, I really do but I am so mad. I am hurt and discouraged and I cannot believe this is my life. Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I am in this situation. This is not who I am and it's very frustrating that I am now in the midst of such heartbreak. I am so angry that I just want to call her and tell her even more about the affair. I'm not sure what that would solve but I have moments of such anger towards both of them. I know I am the outsider but for over seven months the sun would rise and set on me in his eyes and now he just wants to go back to his other life. I am not a whore. It is not fair. I know some may say that this is my punishment for coveting another woman's man. I am suffering over this. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt. I've yelled at him. I've yelled at her and I cannot seem to get on with my life. It's been two days since I've spoken to him or e-mailed with him. He is getting on with his life and seeing if it'll work with her and the kids. I wonder if it'll work or if she'll just turn around once she realizes that I'm out of the picture and tell him to buzz off.
 
October 19, 2005, 4:15 pm CDT

Point Well Taken

Quote From: ritehere

 The wife just tolerates him, and others even agree that she is "not the woman he married." That doesn't say much for his influence on her does it?

What about his influence on you? Have you introduced him to your family, friends, co-workers? Can you go anywhere with him, and are OK with people you both know seeing you out together? Can you claim that you are an honest person with an open attitude and a life that is characterized as "an open book"? Has this affair led you to make new friends and a happier, more serene lifestyle? Have you been able to make any long term plans for yourself since you started meeting him?

You seem to be an intelligent woman, why would you settle for this?

Again, I hear what you are saying. I have not introduced him to anyone. No one but a couple of girlfriends even know of him. No one in my family knows and yes, it would be an embarassment to say I am the "other woman". It is not a respectable place to be and that is why I didn't want to be there. I do want him for myself. I have made no long term plans other than week to week and you are correct that I am intelligent. I guess you wouldn't tell that from my recent behavior. I have been obsessive about this relationship from the neglect of everything in my life other than him to the desperation in trying to hold onto him. It's funny that I didn't think of me as settling. I thought of her as having to settle for a man that is "stuck" with her because she had his children. I do feel confident that if he didn't have kids we'd be together. That is no consolation though because he obviously does have them and they're not backing down from their position that he needs to get back with their mother. Thank you for being firm but fair with me. I realize that you could have just called me a slut and berated me. That is why I like this message board.  

 
October 19, 2005, 4:33 pm CDT

Do You Think He Really "CARES"?

Quote From: lutt0031

I appreciate what you're saying, I really do but I am so mad. I am hurt and discouraged and I cannot believe this is my life. Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I am in this situation. This is not who I am and it's very frustrating that I am now in the midst of such heartbreak. I am so angry that I just want to call her and tell her even more about the affair. I'm not sure what that would solve but I have moments of such anger towards both of them. I know I am the outsider but for over seven months the sun would rise and set on me in his eyes and now he just wants to go back to his other life. I am not a whore. It is not fair. I know some may say that this is my punishment for coveting another woman's man. I am suffering over this. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt. I've yelled at him. I've yelled at her and I cannot seem to get on with my life. It's been two days since I've spoken to him or e-mailed with him. He is getting on with his life and seeing if it'll work with her and the kids. I wonder if it'll work or if she'll just turn around once she realizes that I'm out of the picture and tell him to buzz off.
You were being "played" to the max.   Do you think he really is sitting around giving a "Damn" about  how you feel.  Girl,,,,this is a lost cause before it ever started!~!!  Why do you waste your time on someone who is not even committed to the relationship he has formed thru marriage.  Do you really think he would drop everything to be with you?   Come on and Wake Up!!!!!  This guy wanted one thing and one thing only,  Somebody to make him feel superior!!!!!!  That is why he wanted you, He wanted to be found out, so he could confront his wife, to see if she would be jealous enough to do something about it.  Find someone who is free and can offer all of themselves to you, What is the point of being in a Doomed Relationship from the start????  Move On!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
October 19, 2005, 5:15 pm CDT

Don't think I was played

Quote From: inbetween

You were being "played" to the max.   Do you think he really is sitting around giving a "Damn" about  how you feel.  Girl,,,,this is a lost cause before it ever started!!!  Why do you waste your time on someone who is not even committed to the relationship he has formed thru marriage.  Do you really think he would drop everything to be with you?   Come on and Wake Up!!!!!  This guy wanted one thing and one thing only,  Somebody to make him feel superior!!!!!!  That is why he wanted you, He wanted to be found out, so he could confront his wife, to see if she would be jealous enough to do something about it.  Find someone who is free and can offer all of themselves to you, What is the point of being in a Doomed Relationship from the start????  Move On!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do not think I was played. I know how he was with me. We spent a lot of time together. This was not just sex. We were together a lot and when we weren't together we were on the phone or e-mailing. While I didn't think he'd drop everything to be with me I did think that faced with the choice he would pick me. What I didn't count on was his children coming down so hard on him. They are older...in their late teens. They still live home and are furious with him that he did this to their mother.
 
October 19, 2005, 6:36 pm CDT

Don't fall into those labels.

Quote From: lutt0031

Again, I hear what you are saying. I have not introduced him to anyone. No one but a couple of girlfriends even know of him. No one in my family knows and yes, it would be an embarassment to say I am the "other woman". It is not a respectable place to be and that is why I didn't want to be there. I do want him for myself. I have made no long term plans other than week to week and you are correct that I am intelligent. I guess you wouldn't tell that from my recent behavior. I have been obsessive about this relationship from the neglect of everything in my life other than him to the desperation in trying to hold onto him. It's funny that I didn't think of me as settling. I thought of her as having to settle for a man that is "stuck" with her because she had his children. I do feel confident that if he didn't have kids we'd be together. That is no consolation though because he obviously does have them and they're not backing down from their position that he needs to get back with their mother. Thank you for being firm but fair with me. I realize that you could have just called me a slut and berated me. That is why I like this message board.  

You are certainly not a whore or a slut. You are a loving, caring person who made a mistake. And we've all made mistakes in life. But I'm serious, the only way you'll ever know for sure how he REALLY feels about you, is if you cut him off. Tell him goodbye until he's a free man and make it stick.
Good luck to you.
 
October 20, 2005, 3:51 am CDT

Don't make youself miserable over this

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not think I was played. I know how he was with me. We spent a lot of time together. This was not just sex. We were together a lot and when we weren't together we were on the phone or e-mailing. While I didn't think he'd drop everything to be with me I did think that faced with the choice he would pick me. What I didn't count on was his children coming down so hard on him. They are older...in their late teens. They still live home and are furious with him that he did this to their mother.

Move on and find someone who is actually committed to you.  Like others have said, it he were truly committed to you in every sense of the word he would find a solid way to be with you 100%, but has that happened??  No, you are miserable.  Is this really what you want??  I doubt it.  The children in did not asked to be involved in all this.  I do feel sorry for them, because ultimately they lose either way and it's not fair to them to have to go through something like this.  This will affect them for the rest of their lives, directly or indirectly. 

  

Look, I am not trying to make you feel bad about yourself, quite the opposite in fact, this man is really NOT  worth your time.  As long as you pursue him, you will ALWAYS have problems to deal with and the problems that come up in this particular situation will probably never be easily resolved. There will always be conflict because of the type of  situation it is.  So move on with  a man who has no strings attached.  Go find a man with whom you can hold your head up high with and live with happily for the rest of your life and STOP making youself so miserable.  Let it go and move on.   

 
October 20, 2005, 6:05 am CDT

Bottom line..

Quote From: lutt0031

I am the other woman who posted and said that I have no obligation to her. I stand by what I said and here's why. When I met this man he told me that he was marriage was ending. The two of them were "together" for the children. He led me to believe that his wife had no interest in him either mentally or physically. This was entirely evident to me because he spent a lot of time with me either in person or on the phone. She does not work and the kids are in their late teens...they do not need a nanny. She shopped all day and bitched at him constantly. He let me listen to a few of the phone messages she left him. I've even heard the two of them speak on the telephone. She's horrible. I would NEVER allow another person to speak to me the way she did to him. While I realize that he should have ENDED the marriage before seeing me, I agree, but that's not reality. People stay together for all kinds of reasons. I do love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. Where was this woman when he spent all this time with me? Why did she not bother to inquire where he was or who he was speaking to for hours on end? Why did she wait until she found out about me to get a reality check? Why am I the "wake up call"? This is total BS. I understand that people take each other for granted but don't sit around and do nothing to work on your marriage and then play the victim. Yes, he cheated and he is wrong but it takes two people to make a bad marriage. He may have went out and cheated but she negelcted him.

So, he let  you 'listen' to a couple messages from her and that sums her whole attitude and life up for you?  You are sitting there, with her husband, listening to her messages.  I can't imagine why she might get a little agitated from time to time... 

  

The bottom line is, you only know ONE side of the story and that's the one he CHOOSES to give you.  He can claim all the crap he wants to about her, but it's only his word and at this point, he's betraying her, the kids and yes, even you.  So, why would you feel so comfortable in just taking his word?  Why doesn't he love you enough to make this right?  He's supposedly 'trapped' in a horrible marriage with a horrible person...yet, it's not bad enough to leave it for you.  Wake up. 

  

Also, you claim you have no responsibility in this.  Wrong.  You're an adult.  You had responsibility from the beginning, to make sure you are getting involved with someone who can be trusted, someone who is available.  YOU owed this to everyone involved, including yourself...far MORE than she owes you anything.  YOU walked into her life without her inviting you and you expect her to be cordial to you now and give you what you want?  Again, wake up. 

  

You are both adults, acting like spoiled children, blaming other kids for your poor behavior.  I think it's time to grow up...both of you...and do the right thing. 

 
October 20, 2005, 6:16 am CDT

anger

Quote From: lutt0031

I appreciate what you're saying, I really do but I am so mad. I am hurt and discouraged and I cannot believe this is my life. Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I am in this situation. This is not who I am and it's very frustrating that I am now in the midst of such heartbreak. I am so angry that I just want to call her and tell her even more about the affair. I'm not sure what that would solve but I have moments of such anger towards both of them. I know I am the outsider but for over seven months the sun would rise and set on me in his eyes and now he just wants to go back to his other life. I am not a whore. It is not fair. I know some may say that this is my punishment for coveting another woman's man. I am suffering over this. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt. I've yelled at him. I've yelled at her and I cannot seem to get on with my life. It's been two days since I've spoken to him or e-mailed with him. He is getting on with his life and seeing if it'll work with her and the kids. I wonder if it'll work or if she'll just turn around once she realizes that I'm out of the picture and tell him to buzz off.

 "I have moments of such anger towards both of them" 

 

Actually, you have no right to be angry with her.  You stepped into her life, uninvited.  It really doesn't matter if she is an ogre, or not.  You had no right to aid in destroying her or the kids life.  If ANYONE has any right to be angry about this, it is her and the kids.  If she is 'doing' things to you, it's probably out of survival mode and who could blame her? 

 

"It is not fair" 

 

Yes, it is.  If you didn't want to be treated like the other woman, you shouldn't have become one.  The only people in this that it's unfair to, is the wife and the children.  She may not be a good wife.  She may be horrible to live with.  But, it's still HER life and HER business that you walked in on.  Accept the consequences of being the other woman, because you are the other woman. 

 
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