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Topic : The Other Woman

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

 
ritehere
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October 19, 2005, 12:02 pm PDT

You said it again...

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not believe this is a "human" issue. This man chose to spend time with me. He decided everytime he came to me that I was who he wanted to be, not her. He is the one who should have thought of her and his children. Don't put the burden on me as this is what is wrong with women, in general. We tear each other down. A guy who cheats is referred to as "boys being boys" and "oh, he's a dog". Women who cheat are homewreckers and whores...this is such a double standard. Dr. Phil says I have no business being in on another woman's turf. The fact remains that I am not stealing anyone. You cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life.
 Sometimes the truisms we write are the truisms we need to hear. You said, "you cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life."

Obviously, his life is not horrible enough to want to end it and start fresh with you. You are the architect of your own misery until you realize that this guy is NOT going to do one thing he says he is. He just keeps you hanging on with his pity party. Think about this awhile. Knowing what you do about him and his marriage, do you really want that for yourself? Do you really want someone whose only resort in solving problems is to get someone else to pity him? You deserve more than this milktoast and his drama queen wife. They deserve each other.
 
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latingirl
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October 19, 2005, 12:18 pm PDT

her

Quote From: lutt0031

I think he was lonely and befriended me. Neither one of us planned on it getting this intimate. We certainly didn't think we'd fall in love. I think he was in some kind of coma or something because he just thought it would all work out. He was not planning on his wife not throwing him out. She seemed like she didn't want him either. I hate the idea that I may have brought them together. Do you know how much that sucks? I love him for many reasons. I don't like that he cheated on her. I do feel bad that HE betrayed her but I still do not believe that I should have thought of her for one second. If he called me today I'd be there for him. I am still in the very hurt stage where he still has power over me. I am hoping that each day I'll get stronger and hold him more accountable for all these. I am angry at her for many reasons, (1) she still wants him. I would never tolerate this level of betrayal and yes, I know, I'll be told that if he does it with me, he'll do it to me but I don't buy into once a cheater, always a cheater. I do think there are always special circumstances where people make bad decisions, (2) Why didn't she acknowledge the fact that for 7 to 8 months he was gone. I mean gone in every sense of the word. He was traveling to see me and when he was home he was speaking to me on the phone or e-mailing me. She never asked once why he was so distant. She just let his paychecks keep rolling in and went shopping. She has a nanny, a housekeeper and doesn't work outside the home. i'm not sure what this woman does that takes so much time away from paying attenion to him.

You seem to keep bringing up her faults in this.  You dont know who it truly is in that house.  Either way, he is putting up with it.  He is not leaving, he made his choice and I am sure it sucks for you.  He has played everyone against each other, dont you see that.  Of course he never said anything nice about her.  Therefore you know her faults and only her faults.  Don't talk about someone you don't know, it's not fair.  His behavior is sick and unforgiveable.  I would have kicked him to the curb by now.  But she is naive enough to think that just because he is there, he is there for her.  Apparently he is not sure what he wants in life and can't stand up for anything.  You, her, kids, marriage, happiness?  So why talk yourself into staying in love with someone like this, when you should distance yourself from the man you thought you knew and realize who he really is.   
 
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lutt0031
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October 19, 2005, 12:29 pm PDT

I have spoken with this woman...

Quote From: latingirl

You seem to keep bringing up her faults in this.  You dont know who it truly is in that house.  Either way, he is putting up with it.  He is not leaving, he made his choice and I am sure it sucks for you.  He has played everyone against each other, dont you see that.  Of course he never said anything nice about her.  Therefore you know her faults and only her faults.  Don't talk about someone you don't know, it's not fair.  His behavior is sick and unforgiveable.  I would have kicked him to the curb by now.  But she is naive enough to think that just because he is there, he is there for her.  Apparently he is not sure what he wants in life and can't stand up for anything.  You, her, kids, marriage, happiness?  So why talk yourself into staying in love with someone like this, when you should distance yourself from the man you thought you knew and realize who he really is.   

I have spoken to this woman and she is the first person to tell you that she tolerates him. She has even told me that she raised those kids in spite of him...please, the nanny raised those kids. He will leave...so don't tell me that he won't, he will. You know part of me feels like he should be alone. I'd be happier if he wasn't with her at all. She is a spiteful witch and I hate her. I know many of the things I know not just from him but people who know her. She is not the woman he married. You are right that she thinks he's there for her and it kills me. I HATE IT. I cannot even tell you how mad this situation has made me. As long as she feels he's not with me, she wins. Well, the joke is on her because she is in a loveless marriage. I do not believe that he is with her for any other reason than because it's comfortable. I am not talking myself into loving him. I do love him. He has said nice things about her but there were very few things.
 
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lutt0031
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October 19, 2005, 12:42 pm PDT

He's not a victim

Quote From: ritehere

I think what a n other and mls2005 were trying to point out is right here in your own post. They were trying to get you to realize that your lover's wife is NOT the one responsible for your misery. You and she are locked into this "duel" where you bad-mouth and try to hurt each other.

You said it all when you wrote "I accept responsibility for being duped into this as I was led to believe that he was leaving." Did his wife tell you he was leaving her? NO. HE told you that. You have accepted your role in your misery, but what about your lover? You seem to think he is some kind of victim here, and bears no responsibility  in any of this. Step outside of your situation and look at it objectively. He is the one who is in a prior committed relationship. He told you that he was leaving her, but never did. And still hasn't, even after the wife found out about you. What would he need to tell you to keep you hanging in there? Hasn't he been doing exactly that?
I do not think he is a victim, at all. I know he is to blame for this. The point I was trying to make is that everytime you hear about infidelity the wife is the victim. That is not always the case. Many times women look the other way for a variety of reasons, either they don't want to alter their lifestle financially, or they don't want to have sex and are happy they don't have to give it up. The point is that many of the wives know there is trouble and DO NOTHING. It's more fun to be victimized and call their girlfiends and boohoo to them how they are taken for granted. Lack of action is just as bad as action . To neglect someone and ignore their needs is just as bad as acting out with another person. They are both at fault and each of them are accountable for their action or inaction. My feeling is that I was duped but I do not feel that he intentionally went into a relationship with me to hurt me. I think he realized that his wife held more of the cards than he thought. He also didn't count on the kids telling him that unless he stayed with their mother they'd never to speak to him again. She is playing this up something fierce, too. She has the power to tell the kids that the problem is between them but she has chosen to tell him that if he doesn't stay she'll tell the kids the affair details. Right now they only think he's befriended another woman. They do not know about the sex and the length of the relationship. This is the reason why I abhor this woman. I don't care how hurt you are...don't drag your children into it.
 
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ritehere
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October 19, 2005, 1:15 pm PDT

Not the woman he married...

Quote From: lutt0031

I have spoken to this woman and she is the first person to tell you that she tolerates him. She has even told me that she raised those kids in spite of him...please, the nanny raised those kids. He will leave...so don't tell me that he won't, he will. You know part of me feels like he should be alone. I'd be happier if he wasn't with her at all. She is a spiteful witch and I hate her. I know many of the things I know not just from him but people who know her. She is not the woman he married. You are right that she thinks he's there for her and it kills me. I HATE IT. I cannot even tell you how mad this situation has made me. As long as she feels he's not with me, she wins. Well, the joke is on her because she is in a loveless marriage. I do not believe that he is with her for any other reason than because it's comfortable. I am not talking myself into loving him. I do love him. He has said nice things about her but there were very few things.
 The wife just tolerates him, and others even agree that she is "not the woman he married." That doesn't say much for his influence on her does it?

What about his influence on you? Have you introduced him to your family, friends, co-workers? Can you go anywhere with him, and are OK with people you both know seeing you out together? Can you claim that you are an honest person with an open attitude and a life that is characterized as "an open book"? Has this affair led you to make new friends and a happier, more serene lifestyle? Have you been able to make any long term plans for yourself since you started meeting him?

You seem to be an intelligent woman, why would you settle for this?
 
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ritehere
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October 19, 2005, 1:23 pm PDT

Well yes she is a victim,

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not think he is a victim, at all. I know he is to blame for this. The point I was trying to make is that everytime you hear about infidelity the wife is the victim. That is not always the case. Many times women look the other way for a variety of reasons, either they don't want to alter their lifestle financially, or they don't want to have sex and are happy they don't have to give it up. The point is that many of the wives know there is trouble and DO NOTHING. It's more fun to be victimized and call their girlfiends and boohoo to them how they are taken for granted. Lack of action is just as bad as action . To neglect someone and ignore their needs is just as bad as acting out with another person. They are both at fault and each of them are accountable for their action or inaction. My feeling is that I was duped but I do not feel that he intentionally went into a relationship with me to hurt me. I think he realized that his wife held more of the cards than he thought. He also didn't count on the kids telling him that unless he stayed with their mother they'd never to speak to him again. She is playing this up something fierce, too. She has the power to tell the kids that the problem is between them but she has chosen to tell him that if he doesn't stay she'll tell the kids the affair details. Right now they only think he's befriended another woman. They do not know about the sex and the length of the relationship. This is the reason why I abhor this woman. I don't care how hurt you are...don't drag your children into it.
And so are you. Again, listen to what you are saying. You said "I know he is to blame for this." He did not try to do something about his bad marriage. They may have been going downhill for years, and yes, they are both at fault. But you DO NOT bring in an outsider (you) in a short term attempt to make yourself feel better.

This is what he did. He didn't get a divorce AND THEN start seeing you. He just went right out and started an affair with you, telling you he intended to leave her. You are both victims of his inexcusable selfishness and inablility to make a decision. I repeat, do you REALLY want this kind of spineless fool to dictate your happiness?

Take yourself out of his life until he cleans up his prior mess. If he never does, then you know that he never did intend to. Stop being the victim and be the hammer.
 
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lutt0031
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October 19, 2005, 4:10 pm PDT

Thank you

Quote From: ritehere

And so are you. Again, listen to what you are saying. You said "I know he is to blame for this." He did not try to do something about his bad marriage. They may have been going downhill for years, and yes, they are both at fault. But you DO NOT bring in an outsider (you) in a short term attempt to make yourself feel better.

This is what he did. He didn't get a divorce AND THEN start seeing you. He just went right out and started an affair with you, telling you he intended to leave her. You are both victims of his inexcusable selfishness and inablility to make a decision. I repeat, do you REALLY want this kind of spineless fool to dictate your happiness?

Take yourself out of his life until he cleans up his prior mess. If he never does, then you know that he never did intend to. Stop being the victim and be the hammer.
I appreciate what you're saying, I really do but I am so mad. I am hurt and discouraged and I cannot believe this is my life. Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I am in this situation. This is not who I am and it's very frustrating that I am now in the midst of such heartbreak. I am so angry that I just want to call her and tell her even more about the affair. I'm not sure what that would solve but I have moments of such anger towards both of them. I know I am the outsider but for over seven months the sun would rise and set on me in his eyes and now he just wants to go back to his other life. I am not a whore. It is not fair. I know some may say that this is my punishment for coveting another woman's man. I am suffering over this. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt. I've yelled at him. I've yelled at her and I cannot seem to get on with my life. It's been two days since I've spoken to him or e-mailed with him. He is getting on with his life and seeing if it'll work with her and the kids. I wonder if it'll work or if she'll just turn around once she realizes that I'm out of the picture and tell him to buzz off.
 
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lutt0031
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October 19, 2005, 4:15 pm PDT

Point Well Taken

Quote From: ritehere

 The wife just tolerates him, and others even agree that she is "not the woman he married." That doesn't say much for his influence on her does it?

What about his influence on you? Have you introduced him to your family, friends, co-workers? Can you go anywhere with him, and are OK with people you both know seeing you out together? Can you claim that you are an honest person with an open attitude and a life that is characterized as "an open book"? Has this affair led you to make new friends and a happier, more serene lifestyle? Have you been able to make any long term plans for yourself since you started meeting him?

You seem to be an intelligent woman, why would you settle for this?

Again, I hear what you are saying. I have not introduced him to anyone. No one but a couple of girlfriends even know of him. No one in my family knows and yes, it would be an embarassment to say I am the "other woman". It is not a respectable place to be and that is why I didn't want to be there. I do want him for myself. I have made no long term plans other than week to week and you are correct that I am intelligent. I guess you wouldn't tell that from my recent behavior. I have been obsessive about this relationship from the neglect of everything in my life other than him to the desperation in trying to hold onto him. It's funny that I didn't think of me as settling. I thought of her as having to settle for a man that is "stuck" with her because she had his children. I do feel confident that if he didn't have kids we'd be together. That is no consolation though because he obviously does have them and they're not backing down from their position that he needs to get back with their mother. Thank you for being firm but fair with me. I realize that you could have just called me a slut and berated me. That is why I like this message board.  
 
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inbetween
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October 19, 2005, 4:33 pm PDT

Do You Think He Really "CARES"?

Quote From: lutt0031

I appreciate what you're saying, I really do but I am so mad. I am hurt and discouraged and I cannot believe this is my life. Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I am in this situation. This is not who I am and it's very frustrating that I am now in the midst of such heartbreak. I am so angry that I just want to call her and tell her even more about the affair. I'm not sure what that would solve but I have moments of such anger towards both of them. I know I am the outsider but for over seven months the sun would rise and set on me in his eyes and now he just wants to go back to his other life. I am not a whore. It is not fair. I know some may say that this is my punishment for coveting another woman's man. I am suffering over this. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt. I've yelled at him. I've yelled at her and I cannot seem to get on with my life. It's been two days since I've spoken to him or e-mailed with him. He is getting on with his life and seeing if it'll work with her and the kids. I wonder if it'll work or if she'll just turn around once she realizes that I'm out of the picture and tell him to buzz off.
You were being "played" to the max.   Do you think he really is sitting around giving a "Damn" about  how you feel.  Girl,,,,this is a lost cause before it ever started!~!!  Why do you waste your time on someone who is not even committed to the relationship he has formed thru marriage.  Do you really think he would drop everything to be with you?   Come on and Wake Up!!!!!  This guy wanted one thing and one thing only,  Somebody to make him feel superior!!!!!!  That is why he wanted you, He wanted to be found out, so he could confront his wife, to see if she would be jealous enough to do something about it.  Find someone who is free and can offer all of themselves to you, What is the point of being in a Doomed Relationship from the start????  Move On!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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lutt0031
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October 19, 2005, 5:15 pm PDT

Don't think I was played

Quote From: inbetween

You were being "played" to the max.   Do you think he really is sitting around giving a "Damn" about  how you feel.  Girl,,,,this is a lost cause before it ever started!!!  Why do you waste your time on someone who is not even committed to the relationship he has formed thru marriage.  Do you really think he would drop everything to be with you?   Come on and Wake Up!!!!!  This guy wanted one thing and one thing only,  Somebody to make him feel superior!!!!!!  That is why he wanted you, He wanted to be found out, so he could confront his wife, to see if she would be jealous enough to do something about it.  Find someone who is free and can offer all of themselves to you, What is the point of being in a Doomed Relationship from the start????  Move On!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do not think I was played. I know how he was with me. We spent a lot of time together. This was not just sex. We were together a lot and when we weren't together we were on the phone or e-mailing. While I didn't think he'd drop everything to be with me I did think that faced with the choice he would pick me. What I didn't count on was his children coming down so hard on him. They are older...in their late teens. They still live home and are furious with him that he did this to their mother.
 
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