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Topic : The Other Woman

Number of Replies: 2963
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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October 20, 2005, 9:47 am CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: lutt0031

I have spoken with her and she's the first person to badmouth him about everything...not just the affair. She said he was a horrible husband, he was a bad father, she raised the kids in spite of him, she hasn't been happy for years, blah, blah, blah. Why stay with thim then? If he is soooo bad, why would you want to be with him? I'll tell you why...he makes a great living, he is a very high profile man with a lot of connections which allow them invites all over the place. This is the trade off she has accepted. It is obvious to everyone around him why she stays. It's also pretty obvious that she cannot be bothered with him. She should get off her ass and make her own way...then complain about how hard "her" life is. I do blame her for her role in this. I do not blame her for my situation but don't see around being the victim. He has since told me that his marriage is not going to work. He doesn't want to live this lie anymore with her. He's out now. I will be with him and I will have what I want. There is no way she is standing in my way anymore.

There is no way she is standing in my way anymore. 

 

Yes, there is.  It's called reality. 

 
October 20, 2005, 9:50 am CDT

Help me understand

Quote From: lutt0031

There is no way I am responsible for his extramarital affair. If it wasn't me it would have been someone else. He took the vows. He married her...I didn't.

Because you were the other part of THIS extramartial affair, remember, it takes two,  whether you like it or not you are partly resposible.  It doesn't matter if he made the first move and started this affair or not, If you knew he was married or once you found out he was married, you should have done the adult, mature and responsible thing and gotten away from him instead of tangling yourself in this web.  Had you done that you would not be dealing with so much bitterness in your life right now in trying to claim someone who was not yours to claim in the first place.  Now you are simply dealing with the consequences of your actions.  It doesn't sound like he forced you to be with him, and if you went into this affair knowing full well he was married, then you are now just simply living the reality of the affair and aftermath that you helped create not the fantasy you wish you had.   

  

There is no doubt about, this is a horrible situation for all parties involved.   

 
October 20, 2005, 10:53 am CDT

Her issues now

Quote From: smitty0099

I hear what you are saying, I really do but I do not feel that I should be held responsible for his affair. 

 

You were a part of it.  So, how can you NOT be partially responsible? 

 

I have no problem with her being in the picture as long as she knows her place. 

 

OMG!  Now I think we are being played by YOU.   You DIDN'T just say that, did you?  As long as SHE knows HER place??  Sweety, HER place was with her family, still is. 

 

The only thing you are right about, is that their problems are THEIRS.  But, how do you think you are helping the situation by being involved?  It's THEIR problems, THEIR marriage, THEIR business.  I hate to say this, but you seem incredibly naive, or are just playing us here.  I hope you are just playing games with us here, because if you ARE this naive, we'll eventually be seeing you on the 'cheated on' board. 

You are so upset about my reactions. What is your situation that you don't get what I am saying? She should know her place. If you don't care of what you have you run the risk of losing it. Marriage is a two way street. He tried for years trying to deal with her mood swings and her selfishness. Then he decided he wanted a life, too. Why should I feel badly for her? She should know her place. He is going to be with me. She will, very soon, be the exwife. She had her chance to have her say...she blew it. As far as his kids are concerned...time will heal them and they will eventually accept me or NOT. I am very good for their father so unless the shrew wife continues to try and brainwash them into thinking she is the perpetual victim we have a good chance at a relationship, the kids, that is. I have no question about my relationship with HIM.
 
October 20, 2005, 10:56 am CDT

There is nothing to claim

Quote From: mls2005

Because you were the other part of THIS extramartial affair, remember, it takes two,  whether you like it or not you are partly resposible.  It doesn't matter if he made the first move and started this affair or not, If you knew he was married or once you found out he was married, you should have done the adult, mature and responsible thing and gotten away from him instead of tangling yourself in this web.  Had you done that you would not be dealing with so much bitterness in your life right now in trying to claim someone who was not yours to claim in the first place.  Now you are simply dealing with the consequences of your actions.  It doesn't sound like he forced you to be with him, and if you went into this affair knowing full well he was married, then you are now just simply living the reality of the affair and aftermath that you helped create not the fantasy you wish you had.   

  

There is no doubt about, this is a horrible situation for all parties involved.   

I don't have to try and claim him. I had no doubt I would have him. I don't have a problem with my actions either. I do not feel badly about my role in this situation. As I said in other posts, if you do not care for what you have, you will lose it.
 
October 20, 2005, 11:00 am CDT

FROM THE WIFE........

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THE OTHER WOMAN COULD PLACE HERSELF IN THE ROLE OF THE WIFE, AND EXPECT TO REAP ALL THE BENEFITS OF MARRAIGE.  FACE IT, HE IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND DESPITE PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE.  NO MATTER WHERE HE LAYS HIS HEAD, HIS CONVENANT IS A ACTIVE AND IN PLACE.  GRANTED THE WIFE MAY HAVE HER ISSUES BUT SO DOES HE.  IF YOU ARE PLAYING THE FOOL THEN YOU ARE IN DENAIL ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT FROM A RELATIONSHIP.  THERE IS NO FUTURE WITH A MARRIED MAN.  BESIDES YOU WILL ALWAYS WATCH YOU BACK EVEN AFTER HIS DIVORCE. 
 
October 20, 2005, 12:14 pm CDT

You are Not Getting IT!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not think I was played. I know how he was with me. We spent a lot of time together. This was not just sex. We were together a lot and when we weren't together we were on the phone or e-mailing. While I didn't think he'd drop everything to be with me I did think that faced with the choice he would pick me. What I didn't count on was his children coming down so hard on him. They are older...in their late teens. They still live home and are furious with him that he did this to their mother.
Any relationship born from deceit will not last!!!!!!!  You are putting much more on your plate than you will be able to handle.  Even if you end up with him, is it worth all the pain and torment that has been born from your relationship with him?>  Do you honestly think that he will be faithful to you, when he was unfaithful in his present relationship?  You are not listening to all the other posts here, warning you of all the heartache and pain you are bringing to yourself and him in this relationship......If he really cared for you, your relationship could wait until he is DIVORCED!!!!!!!  You are opening a can of worms here, and setting yourself up for a world full of heartache!!!!!!   But it is YOUR DECISION, nobody can make it for you, we are just trying to get you to see the FACTS and the REALITY of your situation.
 
October 20, 2005, 1:20 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: lutt0031

You are so upset about my reactions. What is your situation that you don't get what I am saying? She should know her place. If you don't care of what you have you run the risk of losing it. Marriage is a two way street. He tried for years trying to deal with her mood swings and her selfishness. Then he decided he wanted a life, too. Why should I feel badly for her? She should know her place. He is going to be with me. She will, very soon, be the exwife. She had her chance to have her say...she blew it. As far as his kids are concerned...time will heal them and they will eventually accept me or NOT. I am very good for their father so unless the shrew wife continues to try and brainwash them into thinking she is the perpetual victim we have a good chance at a relationship, the kids, that is. I have no question about my relationship with HIM.

What is your situation that you don't get what I am saying? 

 

I think it's the other way around.  You don't seem to have a grasp on reality, at all.  You don't get the fact that unless you are living directly within the marriage, you can only go by hearsay.  Hearsay is not allowed in a court of law.  Know why?  It's not reliable.  Yet, you seem to be basing major life decisions on it.  I KNOW my husband had told the other woman things about me that were untrue.  Was he lying?  No, I don't believe he was.  He just didn't see things as they were, because he was too busy turning away himself.  He was amazed when we went to counseling and literally started LISTENING to not only me, but HIMSELF.  Just yesterday, the other woman (who is still hoping that he will leave 'a bad situation' to come to 'the one he loves') approached him.  It's been almost 2 years.  See what's in your future?  Either that, or if you are one of the 'fortunate' ones who ends up with the guy, you will doubt what he's doing when he comes home late.  You will wonder why he doesn't include you when he's with the kids, or certain friends.  You will question and doubt things if he goes through a quiet time.  You will wonder what he's thinking when he looks at another woman.  You will get a sick feeling in your stomach when you see a different number on his cell phone.  Those things WILL happen, not because he's a cad, but because that's what happens in life.  But, when you have been on the receiving end of some of this 'suspicious' stuff, you will doubt, and doubt will grow to anger, because you KNOW what some of things COULD mean.   

 

You say the wife is a 'shrew'.  Can you really BLAME her?  How would YOU react if this was YOUR husband and he was turning to another woman, rather spending his time and efforts where and when he promised he would?  Just a hint, but I sincerely doubt you would be considered 'nice' by the other woman. 

 

It is SUCH a common fallacy of the other woman when they think that if only the wife had 'taken care of her man', then he wouldn't be running to me.  But, you will most likely learn that someday. 

 

I hope you print out all you words here that you have posted...then re-read them some day when the tables have turned, because there is more than a 95% chance it will.  And with your eyes being so focused on what's best for YOU, rather than what's best for EVERYONE, those odds are even worse for your situation.  I'm sure you have heard 'you reap what you sow'... 

 
October 20, 2005, 3:05 pm CDT

What comes around goes around!

Quote From: lutt0031

I don't have to try and claim him. I had no doubt I would have him. I don't have a problem with my actions either. I do not feel badly about my role in this situation. As I said in other posts, if you do not care for what you have, you will lose it.
I have to agree with smitty0099, that really hits the nail on the head.  You reap what you sew.  You are very much at risk for going through the very same thing that you are putting this wife through right now whether you believe that or not.  You get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach one day when he's bored with you and wants a life...... again.  You've made it abundantly clear that you would have him, so you have to take what you get, the good, the bad and ugly.  You honestly don't sound all that happy.  Has all this really been worth it, just to say you stole another woman's man, you did say it felt like a competition. 
 
October 20, 2005, 7:03 pm CDT

from someone who knows

Quote From: lutt0031

I have spoken to this woman and she is the first person to tell you that she tolerates him. She has even told me that she raised those kids in spite of him...please, the nanny raised those kids. He will leave...so don't tell me that he won't, he will. You know part of me feels like he should be alone. I'd be happier if he wasn't with her at all. She is a spiteful witch and I hate her. I know many of the things I know not just from him but people who know her. She is not the woman he married. You are right that she thinks he's there for her and it kills me. I HATE IT. I cannot even tell you how mad this situation has made me. As long as she feels he's not with me, she wins. Well, the joke is on her because she is in a loveless marriage. I do not believe that he is with her for any other reason than because it's comfortable. I am not talking myself into loving him. I do love him. He has said nice things about her but there were very few things.

Several years ago I too was involved with a married man - no children - thank god - it was a disaster - for everyone involved - it took me years (I am now happily married) to forgive myself - nobody wins - why would you put yourself in this posistion - what ever she has done or will do is NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT - and trust me - at some point you will feel incredibly guilty - and - believe me the therapy to deal with how you feel is not pleasant and it can be expensive - give him up now - leave it for at least 2 years and then maybe revisit it. 

 
October 21, 2005, 2:01 pm CDT

Why did it end?

Quote From: billymay

Several years ago I too was involved with a married man - no children - thank god - it was a disaster - for everyone involved - it took me years (I am now happily married) to forgive myself - nobody wins - why would you put yourself in this posistion - what ever she has done or will do is NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT - and trust me - at some point you will feel incredibly guilty - and - believe me the therapy to deal with how you feel is not pleasant and it can be expensive - give him up now - leave it for at least 2 years and then maybe revisit it. 

Why did it end? Why was it a disaster? Were you expecting him to leave his wife? Is he still with her?
 
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