Topic : The Other Woman

You know, you guys give the best advise!!  I am so happy I found this message board.  It seems to really help writing all this down. Its like therepy for me.  The only reason I can see for me doing this is I must have gotten married too young.  I know that is no excuse for my behavior, but I've been married 19 years and I'm only 36!  We do have 4 wonderful kids (ages12 thru 4) , and they would hate me if I screwed up my family.  That is one thing I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for.  I don't think I would ever stop this affair if it was up to me, but you both are right about one thing, I should do it for my family.  My husband (who is the greatest guy) and my kids don't deserve for me to do this.  I've been in denial about what would happen is we ever got caught.  And the OM is married with 2 kids also.  So that is two families that would be torn apart.  So, I've decided not to take his calls, and not to call him.  I have to cut off all contact and hopefully in time, I will be able to get over him.   Thank you for all your wonderful advise and I will keep you posted on my progress!   

I have a crazy situation I am involved in and am at a loss as to what to do.  I am trying to follow Dr Phil's famous advice during this sitution but to follow my insticts as well. 

First of all, I am 22 and not addicted to gambling - this is just how I met the guy.  Anyways, my parents and I used to go to the casino.  When I was first there, I met someone that worked there.  We got to know each other and he told me he would teach me how to be a better player.  So he offered to go to go out with me one night.  So, he took my phone number and gave me his online name to look for him at a website we both played on also.  Well he never called me and it had been a week.  I found him online and started talking to him but he didn't know who I was.  Also, I found out that he had a 5 year live in girlfriend during that conversation.  Then he just signed offline, no goodbye or anything.  I saw him the next night at the casino, and he apologized but still said we would go out sometime to play.  So he called me the next weekend.   

One thing has led to another and we are seeing each other now.  He has split up with the girlfriend, he had said things were on the rocks as she cheated on him approximately two years ago and things had gone downhill since then.  We have only been seeing each other for two months now or so, but are both head over heels - then again it is still the beginning stages.  I live at home still and he lives on his own.  We had plans to move in together but he lives too far away, would have to move closer to my area, and his lease cannot be broken until August.  He split up with the girlfriend right when we first started seeing each other (September) but it took up until the end of October for her to actually leave.  I think she is hanging on to the relationship, and she used the excuse that she paid for her rent to stay.   

Well she was supposed to be gone at the end of October and was supposed to be moving two hours away.  He doesn't want to tell her about me because he is afraid she will attempt suicide or something like that and he wants to stay friends with her - he is just an all around nice guy and I think it is harmless that he stays friends with her, especially if she is two hours away.   

But now, she is back in town for two weekends to work (just on the weekends), and is supposed to be going to her new home during the week.  Should I be careful about her being back in town?  Maybe I shouldn't be speaking to him until she is gone?  It bother's me alot that she is back, it is as if he lets her walk all over him and take control.  What do I do? 

I just read some of the emails here on being a step parent. I to, just became a step parent. I just recently got married. My husband as 2 kids. A boy 12 and a girl 16. His son is the same age as my son. My son doesn't live with me though. My husband has his son live with him. His son as lived with him for well over a year now. Apparently his mom ponded him onto his dad. I guess she couldn't handle him. It's awful when divorces causes a lot of ugliness for both sides when parents are trying to move on and forget what happened before. I just wished that we all would grow up and pay attention to what's really going on.  

Well, anyway when I came into my husband life, the beginning was good but then when my son came into the picture it was a little different. You see my son as a slight learning disability but I believe and hope he grows out of it. When my husband asked me to marry him  after 2-3 months I was really surprised how things went. I accepted to marry him but after the marriage that's when things got kinda bad.  

He bought a house. Asked me if he should get the 3 or 4 bedrm and I said 3. I should've said 4 but a big difference on the prices gees on 3 to a 4 bdrm. His son was having problems dealing with his mom, dealing with his dad having me and my son around. I took so much from his son I had to leave. He started comparing me to his mom and his dad's ex girlfriends and then picked on my son because some of his dad's ex gfs had kids to and they picked on him so he thought he'd  get my son.  Finally dad put son in counseling to find out what's going on of why his son gets angry, mad and tempered so much. Found out his mom physically and mentally abused him in the past but I think his mom and dad apparently ruined him somehow. Mom went to his counseling but she doesn't remember what hppened back then. My husband said he had his son in counseling before but mom had it stopped but daughter said mom couldn't afford it but dad think it was because things were about to come out and mom stopped the counseling. I'm not with hubby now but we're trying to work things out but we'll see. 

I have been an a long term relationship for 5 yrs we were engaged and I gave back the ring one of the rerasons is becuase my boyfriend  has this friend he has none since he was little and she is a girl when I forst started going with him she was married and she wouldnt call that much but I didnt feel threatened at all so I befriended her and about a yr agao she got divorced and she started calling more no biggy cause I was friends with her then I started to get these funny feelings about the two tryed toso no the are just good friends well when one time I went out with my friends from work thinking he was home he and she walk in the door of the bar I was mad cause I had no idea and he was surprised i was there he said I thougth you wnet soemwhere else and I said I thought you were home well that is when it started for me she started hanging out with us every other weekend and then people would come up to me and say that it looks like those two are together instead of you they would sit close to each other so I confronted him and he denied it and denied she callled me and denied it also so I said ok i will stop thinging it but sometimes it still bugged me one night my boyfriend went out and called on of my other friends and he told her that I am crazy for feeling that way could she talk to me and say nothing is going on and she told me what he said but she really didnt believe it so the friend the one that is with us all the time calls my boyfriend evry single day and night about 8 times aday and night I have counted on the caller id so last weekend she came up to our hous efor the wekend she hurt her back and she needed me to help her out so i idid but I had a family thing going on so my boyfriend and her were at my house and when I came home they were walking out of my bedroom so when she left the following day I asked my boyfriend and he flipped out said he is sick of this they arent together so he called her to tell her that I am going crazy again think that they are together so she called my cell phone my son had it that night he is 13 and she told him to tell me not to call her ever again fine no problem I was mad cause she didnt have to talk to my son she could have just hang up or lied so that just proved to me that they were both guilty of something so the next day I am deleting he r number and in stead of delete I hit send and as fast as I realized it i hung me well them she calls me I see that it is her and didnt answer it I was in work I listen to the vm and I started to cry she was the nasty b she that she told my boyfriend to drop my crazy ass that I am crazy that nothing is going on and no wonder why my husband left me i left my ex and that maybe i can find a crzy man just like me to have to live him so he can get on with his life he is a great guy and said loose her number never call so I said fine let my boyfriend here the message he already nknew what she said because she had already to talk to about 5 times that day and he said nothing to me said he already knows that is it so I was crazy first of all I am in therapy for deprssion was in a mental ward in june for it I am much better on meds that are helping me but thisisnt helping me so I am on stronger meds my boyfriend and I are broken up cause I am crazy that is the reason he gave me but I dotn beleive that says he will help me move out and find an apt everything he said that we need time apart he has done this before it last one day  so what could I do so i freaked out so it took one day again to realize he loves me and wants to be with me that he and she are good friends best friends and I said well if you care anyhtign about me you will not answer the phoen when she calls when I am home he freaked said that I cant stop him from talking to her I said nobody is just when I am home she was nasty to me and told me not to call her but she can call my home so now since I have asked that I have caught him twice talking to her on the phone while I was in the living room I walkinto my bedroom and he was talking to her he will not tell her that i dont want her calling here while I am home he doesnt want to hurt her feelings  

Yeah but my feeling can be hurt I said both of you are disrespecting me and that hurts real bad he doesnt care4 he is doing it  

so I asked himif a guy called me all the time and we wer just friends that I have none for a very long time would he be jealous and he said no so I said fine we have this friend that I have none since high school and he has none him for a few years I said ok I am going to call so and so you know what he said well he has a girlfriend I said so what we are just friends he doesnt like when I talk to people on line eh thinks I talk about dates sex with them whichis not true not everybody is like that 

so tongiht it is stille arliy she has called 2 times caught him and now he thinks I have no reason to ask him that I said well it is done with you choise her over me her feeling mean more to you then me and I am done with him  

I know they are guilty of something why else would they be so upset that I feel this way  

Please let me know 

Ally 

Girl, why are you allowing this man to make you feel so bad about yourself? 

Why are you giving him your personal power? Why is it up to him to decide that he wants to be with you or not be with you? It is up to YOU to decide whether you are worth more then what this jerk is willing to give you!! 

You have your women's intuition for many reasons... you've got to listen to it. By the way this "friend" of his reacted over you thinking there was something going on between them, I would also be very suspicious. There isn't anything wrong with asking! But she over-reacted... a classic sign that there IS something going on. Another sign that something is going on, is that they both try to tell you that YOU are crazy. They want to twist things around, because they don't want you to ruin their little fling. Don't allow these people to control your emotions like this!! You deserve so much better, you really, really do!!  

You are only responsible for your own happiness. It is up to you to fulfill your dreams and life a happy, healthy life. It doesn't sound like this man can respect you, he can't be faithful to you, he can't even stick up for you to his 'friend'... Starting today, you need to put YOU first, okay? You deserve to be happy!