Topic : The Other Woman

I have spent the last 2 days reading this message board and it has helped me in so many ways.  I know I can expect some serious criticism, but I too was "the other woman".   I am married and have been involved with a married man for the last 16 months.  I am 36 and have been married almost 17 years...........he is a few years older and has been married almost 14.  We both have two children with our spouses.  We've tried to end it several times and keep the contact going.  Yes, both spouses know, because unfortunately, I ended-up pregnant.  My husband was extremely hurt, but decided to stand by me and accept the baby.  The OM told his wife and has been dealing with his own marriage and problems.  There is so much hurt, and now I have an innocent 5 month old baby that will forever be hurt if she ever discovers the truth.   

I have made a huge mess of things and go through so much depression at times.   I have apologized endlessly to my husband and told him how unworthy I am and don't deserve him, yet, he continues to stay.  I know he loves me even though I have disappointed him.  Don't get me wrong, we have our problems and have discussed divorce many times, however we feel that trying to make a happy life for the children is most important. 

To make matters worse, I have continued to talk to the OM, but mostly because it is hard to cut all ties when you have a child together.  I know it is horrible, but I do have feelings for him.   

Now, after reading these posts, I feel so stupid.  I am a classic case of the OW.  I believed all the sweet lies, I've listened to how much he "hates her with a passion", how he could "never leave his daughters", and my favorite "I know the baby will be raised in a good home with a good mom".  I think that I am slowly beginning to wake up and look beyond the fantasy. 

Yes, the wife absolutely hates me.  He has relayed some of the fights and all the hell that has happened.  I've had many hang-up phone calls from her and finally a phone call that she spoke to me.  She told me that "they have worked things out and the affair is over".  Of course, I didn't say anything because I really think it helped her to confront me.  The sad fact is, he continued to call me and even met with me several times after the phone call.  He continues to lie to her. 

I've been so caught up in the fantasy and been so selfish.  Reading these posts from wives has made me realize what a wh*%#  I have been.  I deserve the posts I guess I will receive, but I encourage anything to help me move on.  I want to move on and make my marriage work.  I can't stand the hurt it would cause my children if they ever found out what kind of person their mom has been.  Especially my sweet, new baby that was conceived out of something so wrong.  She is the only positive I have been given from this situation. 

I know it is crazy, but it is still hard to "give him up". 

You feel stupid and believed his sweet lies, but you still find it hard to "give him up"???? 

Meantime you have a man that loves you to the point of wanting to work through all of this, accept another man's baby, and yet the OM is still hard to give up?? 

That boggles my mind. It really does. Look, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. Why not try to do the right thing from here on out? 

I really feel for the innocent child in all this. The questions you'll have to face from her in 14-18 years are just too fearsome to even consider. :( 

Hold on a minute... 

This guy lied to his wife about you.  He lied to you.  He has waffled seemingly repeatedly about his "ex".  He blames YOU for finding out about HIS lies??  He is STILL shirking responsibility for his behavior.

Come on...

Wise up.  A liar is a liar is a liar.  Promises from a liar are CRAP.

He wasn't committed to his wife and, if the past is any guide, he won't be committed to you. 

He is more focused on HIM.  He feels guilty about cheating on her but what about feeling guilty about how he's treating YOU?  He sabotaged his last relationship and he's sabotaging this one.

I think giving him an ultimatum of stop seeing the Ex or I'm going to take away your child is, frankly, cruel to the child -- even if the baby isn't born yet.  He IS your child's father and the child deserves to have a relationship with BOTH parents.  Regardless of whether you commit to this man or not, the reality is... you will now be tied to the father of your child forever -- like it or not.  I think you made your bed and now you are having to live with it. 

I also want you to realize that you are ENTITLED to 100% of your feelings.  He is minimizing how you feel and that is unfair.  I tended to get "hormonal" during my pregnancies HOWEVER that does not mean that my feelings are simply invalid.  Tell him to stop discounting your feelings.

My two cents... Q

I have spent the last 2 days reading this message board and it has helped me in so many ways.  I know I can expect some serious criticism, but I too was "the other woman".   I am married and have been involved with a married man for the last 16 months.  I am 36 and have been married almost 17 years...........he is a few years older and has been married almost 14.  We both have two children with our spouses.  We've tried to end it several times and keep the contact going.  Yes, both spouses know, because unfortunately, I ended-up pregnant.  My husband was extremely hurt, but decided to stand by me and accept the baby.  The OM told his wife and has been dealing with his own marriage and problems.  There is so much hurt, and now I have an innocent 5 month old baby that will forever be hurt if she ever discovers the truth.   

I have made a huge mess of things and go through so much depression at times.   I have apologized endlessly to my husband and told him how unworthy I am and don't deserve him, yet, he continues to stay.  I know he loves me even though I have disappointed him.  Don't get me wrong, we have our problems and have discussed divorce many times, however we feel that trying to make a happy life for the children is most important. 

To make matters worse, I have continued to talk to the OM, but mostly because it is hard to cut all ties when you have a child together.  I know it is horrible, but I do have feelings for him.   

Now, after reading these posts, I feel so stupid.  I am a classic case of the OW.  I believed all the sweet lies, I've listened to how much he "hates her with a passion", how he could "never leave his daughters", and my favorite "I know the baby will be raised in a good home with a good mom".  I think that I am slowly beginning to wake up and look beyond the fantasy. 

Yes, the wife absolutely hates me.  He has relayed some of the fights and all the hell that has happened.  I've had many hang-up phone calls from her and finally a phone call that she spoke to me.  She told me that "they have worked things out and the affair is over".  Of course, I didn't say anything because I really think it helped her to confront me.  The sad fact is, he continued to call me and even met with me several times after the phone call.  He continues to lie to her. 

I've been so caught up in the fantasy and been so selfish.  Reading these posts from wives has made me realize what a wh*%#  I have been.  I deserve the posts I guess I will receive, but I encourage anything to help me move on.  I want to move on and make my marriage work.  I can't stand the hurt it would cause my children if they ever found out what kind of person their mom has been.  Especially my sweet, new baby that was conceived out of something so wrong.  She is the only positive I have been given from this situation. 

I know it is crazy, but it is still hard to "give him up". 

I have spent the last 2 days reading this message board and it has helped me in so many ways.  I know I can expect some serious criticism, but I too was "the other woman".   I am married and have been involved with a married man for the last 16 months.  I am 36 and have been married almost 17 years...........he is a few years older and has been married almost 14.  We both have two children with our spouses.  We've tried to end it several times and keep the contact going.  Yes, both spouses know, because unfortunately, I ended-up pregnant.  My husband was extremely hurt, but decided to stand by me and accept the baby.  The OM told his wife and has been dealing with his own marriage and problems.  There is so much hurt, and now I have an innocent 5 month old baby that will forever be hurt if she ever discovers the truth.   

I have made a huge mess of things and go through so much depression at times.   I have apologized endlessly to my husband and told him how unworthy I am and don't deserve him, yet, he continues to stay.  I know he loves me even though I have disappointed him.  Don't get me wrong, we have our problems and have discussed divorce many times, however we feel that trying to make a happy life for the children is most important. 

To make matters worse, I have continued to talk to the OM, but mostly because it is hard to cut all ties when you have a child together.  I know it is horrible, but I do have feelings for him.   

Now, after reading these posts, I feel so stupid.  I am a classic case of the OW.  I believed all the sweet lies, I've listened to how much he "hates her with a passion", how he could "never leave his daughters", and my favorite "I know the baby will be raised in a good home with a good mom".  I think that I am slowly beginning to wake up and look beyond the fantasy. 

Yes, the wife absolutely hates me.  He has relayed some of the fights and all the hell that has happened.  I've had many hang-up phone calls from her and finally a phone call that she spoke to me.  She told me that "they have worked things out and the affair is over".  Of course, I didn't say anything because I really think it helped her to confront me.  The sad fact is, he continued to call me and even met with me several times after the phone call.  He continues to lie to her. 

I've been so caught up in the fantasy and been so selfish.  Reading these posts from wives has made me realize what a wh*%#  I have been.  I deserve the posts I guess I will receive, but I encourage anything to help me move on.  I want to move on and make my marriage work.  I can't stand the hurt it would cause my children if they ever found out what kind of person their mom has been.  Especially my sweet, new baby that was conceived out of something so wrong.  She is the only positive I have been given from this situation. 

I know it is crazy, but it is still hard to "give him up". 

My friend, 

What you describe is very painful.  I am not here to judge you.  I made a similar mistake; however, there were no children involved and I was able to leave him.  You need to start by forgiving yourself.  Not until you do will you feel a little bit of peace and clarity to decide what to do.  It took me four years to leave the guy, but I did it.  It is still hurtful to think that I was the OW, but the pain is getting easier to handle as time goes by.  Please set goals for yourself and have a plan to leave him.  Start by not answering all of his calls - and little by little you will get stronger.  The fact that you have a child together makes it difficult, but you can't let that be an excuse to see him.  If he wants to be in your baby's life, you need to coordinate it so that you have as little contact as possible.  You have to understand that he is not for you.  You have two families hurting and that needs to stop.   

I understand completely how hard it is to give up on something you want to call yours, but just think in all the pain that is causing to a lot of people.  Please be strong and forgive yourself.  We all make wrong decisions that have terrible consequences, but we can also learn, recover, and move on.  Please be patient with yourself.  It will take some time.  What's important is that you do something everyday to distant yourself from him.   You will see the light again.  Have faith and pray for guidance. 

I hope this helps a little bit.  Your heart will take some time to heal.  Give it time and you will see things will get better eventually. 

Good luck! 

My friend, 

What you describe is very painful.  I am not here to judge you.  I made a similar mistake; however, there were no children involved and I was able to leave him.  You need to start by forgiving yourself.  Not until you do will you feel a little bit of peace and clarity to decide what to do.  It took me four years to leave the guy, but I did it.  It is still hurtful to think that I was the OW, but the pain is getting easier to handle as time goes by.  Please set goals for yourself and have a plan to leave him.  Start by not answering all of his calls - and little by little you will get stronger.  The fact that you have a child together makes it difficult, but you can't let that be an excuse to see him.  If he wants to be in your baby's life, you need to coordinate it so that you have as little contact as possible.  You have to understand that he is not for you.  You have two families hurting and that needs to stop.   

I understand completely how hard it is to give up on something you want to call yours, but just think in all the pain that is causing to a lot of people.  Please be strong and forgive yourself.  We all make wrong decisions that have terrible consequences, but we can also learn, recover, and move on.  Please be patient with yourself.  It will take some time.  What's important is that you do something everyday to distant yourself from him.   You will see the light again.  Have faith and pray for guidance. 

I hope this helps a little bit.  Your heart will take some time to heal.  Give it time and you will see things will get better eventually. 

Good luck! 

But seriously, how do you even think or feel you have a right to call him yours? I just don't get this at all. Most guys that cheat are just looking for some easy sex. Most women who cheat fall head-over-heels in love with the guy no matter how married she is, no matter how married he is. What causes one to, when it is first starting, to ignore all of the hurt and pain this is going to cause on all sides and move forward with it?  

Is it fair to your spouse? To his? To your kids? To his? To the extended families? This kind of thing is so destructive and painful to so many people. How can someone not think about that before hand and think twice, thrice, even four times before going through with it? 

It really confuses me. I just don't see how you can fall in love with someone that has such a seperate life, when it is your husband having a strong independence that caused you to even consider it in the first place. I don't get it. Can anyone explain any of that to me? 

.......woman A is married to man A. She is unhappy because man A is not fulfilling her needs in some way. Maybe he is selfish, unloving, withdrawn, whatever. Man B is married to woman B. Woman A meets man B. They both put their best foot forward. The whole time man B is thinking "it'd be great to have some meaningless sex". Meantime woman A is thinking "I am fall in love with him and he with me! How romantic!" (I believe movies, TV, and literature propagate this thinking in women, that the other guy is falling too when in reality he just wants a warm place to put IT.) 

Now, most of the woman I know are intelligent woman. Yet so many woman fall for man B's bologna. Why? They know if he is married, and he would do this to his wife that they probably aren't a very loving guy. Plus he has a whole other life he isn't willing to give up for them. So is she so blind by the "falling in love" to realize that statistically a) this guy just wants sex b) if he is willing to cheat with you he would be willing to cheat on you and c) he is embodying everything you are unhappy about in your own husband (selfish (just wants sex), unloving (how much capacity to love does he have if he is doing this to his wife whom he swore to love and honor), and withdrawn (he only shows up for woman A when he is had nothing else to do and wants a warm place to put IT))? 

How can woman see this happen all the time from the outside with other woman and think "that poor stupid woman", yet fall for the very same garbage themselves? I just do not understand it. I so want to understand it. Do most woman really lead with their emotions more than their brains? 

If they need this the courageous thing to do is to end it with your husband, then go find it with another single or divorced guy. Not to cheat on one husband while being the OW for another. 

Again, I am not trying to judge, I am trying to understand. My wife even asked her "friend" point-blank "are you just interested in sex?" LIKE HE WAS GOING TO SAY: "Yes, that is all I am after. You wanna??" My wife is a brilliant, educated woman. How could she fall for his lines, and miss what was really going on? How could she be so naive to think this guy was going to truthfully tell her that he was only out for one thing? 

It boggles my mind. It really does. I wish Dr. Phil would write a book on this because I am clueless as to how rational, intelligent, and normally committed woman fall for men's, especially married men's, line of garbage. And then allow themselves to get so emotional invested in all of it. How does that happened as often as these boards seem to suggest that it does?