Topic : The Other Woman

Sad to say that I got myself into this. But I did.

I met Keith on Valentine's Day, 2004. We became friends gradually, although it was hard because he wanted more than just friendship, and I was having major problems in my life. I was 17, he was 25. I was just out of a 3 year relationship with a guy who screwed me over because he was married, and go figure, Keith was married to. He spent months convincing me that his marriage was a mistake, he was very unhappy, and that he was looking for the girl he should have married. I was VERY reluctant, but 11 months after we met, I began to date him in January of 2005. We were VERY irrisponsible about sex, because that was Keith's main problem with his wife, she wouldn't have sex with him. So literally in the first month of being together, and sleeping together, I got pregnant with his baby. That is basically when our problems started, because he started feeling guilty about what he did to his wife. At this point, after walking all over him for a few years, she decided that she wanted him afterall, and he was reluctant to leave her. He went back and forth for a few months before he finally moved out of their house for good. He and I stayed together, bought a house, began preparing for our daughter. We are soooo happy together I swear. He really is a GREAT guy underneath all those walls he has put up around his heart. He says that he loves me and his daughter, and I believe him.

Now my main problem with our relationship is I am like 10 weeks away from delivering our daughter. He has been promising the whole time I have been pregnant to have his divorce finalized before our baby was born. However, he has screwed around and stalled, and now there is no way he will be divorced before I have her. I am very upset about this, but am even more upset that he is still on good terms with his wife. Good terms I mean they call each other and have casual conversations, he takes her places and lies to me about where he is going, and he REFUSES to talk to her on the phone in front of me. I am VERY defensive when it comes to her being in his life because he has lied to me so much about her.....so I really don't trust him anymore when it comes to her. He says this is my fault that I don't trust him, I say it's his for lying to me in the first place. I guess he doesn't understand that if he hadn't lied to me in the first place, I wouldn't have a problem trusting him. He says that if I had never found out about any of the lies, then our relationship would be no different, and once again, it is my fault for finding out. I say that he has no reason to have a friendship with her, they have no kids, and I think that he should just let the divorce papers do the talking. He insists that cannot happen, and a friendship with her is a must. I am to the point where I feel so threatened by her and his lies that I want to leave and take the baby unless he can completely cut her off. And he says that what I am asking for is soooo ridiculous that I should just go.....telling me that our relationship is not important enough to him to give up a relationship with his ex-wife....well soon to be ex-wife. I don't want her calling him anymore, but more importantly I don't want him to answer the phone. He keeps telling me that he just cannot bring himself to be an asshole to her, but yet he doesn't think he is being an asshole to me when he ignores my wishes when it comes to her. Honestly I would have no problem leaving if he wasn't such a good guy outside of all this drama. But I just don't want to walk away from him, I really do love him, and I want to be a family with him and our daughter.

So am I completely irrational to ask for him to COMPLETELY cut her off? He says I am just being naive, immature, and hormonal due to my pregnancy. Who is right, and what do I do? Stay and be miserable just so my daughter has us both, or do I go?

Hold on a minute... 

This guy lied to his wife about you.  He lied to you.  He has waffled seemingly repeatedly about his "ex".  He blames YOU for finding out about HIS lies??  He is STILL shirking responsibility for his behavior.

Come on...

Wise up.  A liar is a liar is a liar.  Promises from a liar are CRAP.

He wasn't committed to his wife and, if the past is any guide, he won't be committed to you. 

He is more focused on HIM.  He feels guilty about cheating on her but what about feeling guilty about how he's treating YOU?  He sabotaged his last relationship and he's sabotaging this one.

I think giving him an ultimatum of stop seeing the Ex or I'm going to take away your child is, frankly, cruel to the child -- even if the baby isn't born yet.  He IS your child's father and the child deserves to have a relationship with BOTH parents.  Regardless of whether you commit to this man or not, the reality is... you will now be tied to the father of your child forever -- like it or not.  I think you made your bed and now you are having to live with it. 

I also want you to realize that you are ENTITLED to 100% of your feelings.  He is minimizing how you feel and that is unfair.  I tended to get "hormonal" during my pregnancies HOWEVER that does not mean that my feelings are simply invalid.  Tell him to stop discounting your feelings.

My two cents... Q

I truly got a headache reading your up/down, back/forth, good guy/bad guy mess !  All I can think right now is how sorry I feel for your child.   Excuse me, but you sound like your 17(?) going on 7, and "Keith" sounds like he's 25 going on 5.

You HAVE made your bed, and sympathy you won't get here, nor do I believe it will come too easy from other sources as well.  You're not being irrational to want him to completely cut her off......but, do you honestly believe he will ?  After all, he screwed her over with YOU.......now, it looks like he's screwing you over with HER !  Did you truly expect him not to ?  If it wasn't with his soon-to-be ex ( time will tell if THAT will ever become a reality ) , it would've been with someone else.

He's an a-hole......shake him loose while you're still young, move on and find yourself a decent guy.....this time use your brains and not your libido.   You should've seen the finalized divorce decree BEFORE sleeping with him. Consider this a lesson learned = the statement that his wife never slept with him was truly just ANOTHER one of his lies...........it worked on you..... didn't it ????

It's time for you to go...he's playing you AND his wife for fools, and you're both letting him. Even if he divorced her tomorrow, what would your level of trust be in the relationship? He's already let you know that he's going to lie, sneak around, etc., and that if you find out and get hurt, it's going to be your fault for finding out, not his fault for lying, sneaking, etc. Is that REALLY how you want to live your life, or teach your daughter life should be? Get out now, before he has a chance to ruin her life.

When you were at her home and they were reminising, what was it that was so bad that made you get up and leave? When a child goes off to college, its kind of emotional, and its nice for his son that the two of them can look at the past and pick out the good times to reflect on. There isn't anything that you can do to erase his past, especially when it comes to raising a child, which is something they did together, before you were ever in his life. They have been divorced for quite some time, and you are the woman that he lives with and wants to spend the rest of his life with. Do you have a hard time believing him when he says that he would never get back together with his exwife? One thing that will make you more secure is time. You didn't say that you've experienced any holidays with the ex yet, only the graduation, and you pulled that off with grace, which is a good thing! I'm wondering why do you have to hang out with the ex on holidays, why not start new traditions since he isn't a 'family' with his ex anylonger? You and your boyfriend can have relatives over and his son to celebrate holidays, or go to other relatives and bring his son along, things like that. Is this his idea to spend holidays with the ex? That I do find a bit odd, I can't imagine spending the rest of your life hanging out with his ex every holiday. It is good to be kind and handle all situations with grace, but having to spend every holiday with the ex? That is asking a bit too much!  

Of course his ex is going to know him more then you do at this point, but you are the one who wants to know more, you are the one he is living with, she is the one he divorced. For the sake of his son, hold your head high and keep handling your meetings with grace. Over time, you will come to feel more secure in the situation. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you will. Good luck! 

Your boyfriend and his ex will always have a connection.  They have a child together.  If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man you will have to get used to the fact that he is on good terms with his ex.  If this is not something you can live with you should probably end the relationship now.   

It really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about.  (My parents were the same way and still are.) 

Good luck! 

I know you can't understand this, but the connection one has with a person you have had children with, is never ever totally gone. Yes, you will have people that hate their ex's and don't want anything to do with them for many valid reasons, but the one thing that they have in common, is the love they have for their child. This is something not easy to deal with, but even in a bad marriage, there were good times, or they would never have gotten married. If all the talk was about good times, and had to do with a fond memory of their child, then you need to realize that there were good times between them at one time, and those times are gone.  

You talk about it being your boyfriend, and she has a boyfriend as well, well remember, your boyfriend chose you, and since no one is married, he could be with her if that was his choice, but it isn't. If you love this man, and your relationship is a good one, just realize that it is her loss, not yours. She may have some good memories of when they were a family, and it involves their child, but YOU have him, and accept the fact that you are HIS choice, not her.  I am sure you have a past as well, and I am sure you have fond memories of whomever is from your past. According to you, they were not reminiscing about their fond memories with just them, it was about their child, something you knew they had before you made whatever commitment you have with your boyfriend. Don't expect them to not have good memories about their child. I wonder if part of your jealously is because it is an area you can't share in, not being a parent yourself, more than him talking with his ex, that he chose to no longer be with. 

I hope this helps, and I hope you can be more secure in the fact that you are with him, because he chooses to be with you, just like you chose to be with him. Good luck 

I didn't think of myself as the other women until just recently.  I met a wonderful man about a year ago.  We just moved in together.  He moved to my state 2 years ago with the military and his wife chose to stay in her state and move her boyfriend in with her.  He didn't file for divorce when it happened.  He was insecure and didn't think he would ever find anyone else.  When he found me he said he decided to file.  May I remind you this was a year ago.  She has been fighting him on the divorce supposedly.  He did however get a Legal separation.  I see him moving in with me as a commitment but am I wrong to want more of a commitment?  I want to be engaged to him, I know I know he is still married but to me that would be a bigger commitment than just moving in with me.  I feel he has the best of both worlds and is in no hurry to get the divorce done with.   I don't want to push him into it but on the other hand I have 2 small children that totally love him.  He is amazing with them.  Much better than their own dad.  Do I give it more time or pack up and move on with my life?  I do love him but I was played in my first marriage and am terrified to get played in this relationship.  Any advise would be grateful.  Thank you!!