Topic : The Other Woman
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August 1, 2006, 2:04 pm PDT
 Quote From: kman66 Hey saesq2 (I'm curious as to what that moniker means!). You are pretty much right about my happiness - very little to be happy about. That doesn't necessarily mean I am unhappy, it's more a somewhere in between thing. I have my good moments and I have my bad but mostly I'm just kind of comfortably numb (thanks Pink Floyd). I have pretty much felt this way since i found out for sure about 5 years ago that my wife came back to me because her OM dumped her. Her actual affair was 14 years ago. I always suspected and I was pretty sure this was the case, but I finally got the nerve to talk about the situation with my wife and she confirmed my suspicions. She was not mean about it and seem to express genuine remorse but that still doesn't diminish the fact that she is with me now because he didn't want her. If he had, she would be with him right now - or at least she wouldn't be with me because she had already looked into starting divorce proceedings from what she told me. She didn't come back to me because she wanted to, she came back because she literally had no where else to go. It's difficult to accept the fact my wife may love me out of necessity for survival. There is so much more to the story I would like to tell you but it would take forever so the Reader's Digest condensed version goes something like this. I was stationed over seas. She met this guy in a support group. The first time she told me about him I knew I was in trouble - she was pretty excited about knowing him. Then she calls and says she doesn't want to be married. Then she floods me with a continuous stream of calls basically berating me as the worst human being ever to garnish the face of the Earth. Then she calls and admits to the affair, says she's pregnant and she wants a divorce. The next day she calls and wants to reconcile after having a long, soul-searching talk with "a friend" The "friend" was the OM and the talk was her telling him she loved him and him kicking her to the curb. For years she refused to tell me the contents of this conversation. So even though he tells her he doesn't want to be with her, she continues to have sex with him. I'm still overseas at this point. During this time she calls me and tells me how great this guy was in bed, how much she loves having sex with him and how i was worthless as husband, worthless in bed and couldn't even come close to "measuring up" to this guy - if you get my meaning. I finally came home and at that point I believe she stopped having sex with him but she was still talking to him and even introduced us!! Hey - I got a new friend!! (sarcasm) I even watched her kiss him goodbye one time and now those pictures are forever etched in my brain. I can easily imagine them going at it because i saw what they looked like together when she kissed him. Anyway, he married the other girl soon after and we haven't heard from him since. Thank God it turned out my wife wasn't pregnant so there was no reason for them to stay in contact. That is basically the jest of the whole thing. I never really recovered but I survive. I have three wonderful kids that need me at home...and I need them. My wife has had tons of therapy and is doing well but she has told me so many lies through the years that I don't and will probably never again trust her. Sorry for rambling, but I stay in the marriage because it is actually a decent marriage now and I don't want to be away from kids. At this point my overall happiness is inconsequential. I need to be a good father and husband, if nothing else for the health and well being of my kids. We have a great time together and when I am with them, I am happy. Thanks for your kind words and response. I seem to relate more to all the ladies here then the people on the infidelity boards. I guess pain is pain, and betrayal is betrayal, no matter what the situation or how it originates. Take care and stay strong. Kman Wow - you suffered a devastating betrayal. I bet you could have cut your heartbroken feelings with a knife. It's bad enough that your W fell for somebody else. Why in the world would she say such horrible things to you? Was she trying to justify her actions to herself? Was she enraged at you for some reason that arose before the affair? What strikes me is that you don't seemed to have ever worked through this trauma with her. It's good that she's been in therapy and is doing better, but it's not enough. Look, maybe it's true that she wouldn't be with you today if the OM hadn't rejected her. She would have been with him and whatever would have developed down that path. But, that doesn't mean that's the reason she's with you today. It could be, but you can't know & it sounds to me like something very important to know. What is the accurate description of you marriage today? You believe the worst, which might be true, but it also might not be true. How will you ever know if you're unable to talk it all out with your W? That's difficult to do with an explosive history like your's, which is why I'm wondering why you and your W have not had some joint counseling. I'm not saying anyone's crazy, but help with such delicate communication is a very sensible idea. I don't know many people who could handle it by themselves. Your wife needs to know your perception of the nature of your marriage and the reasons you perceive it the way you do. Don't assume that she must know because she was there. People can deny and rationalize the most self-evident things. You need to know her response to your perception. Will she acknowledge that you are correct? Will she say that she never could have stayed with you for 14 years after the affair if the only incentive was security. I don't know if her feelings today are the same as they were 14 years and 3 kids ago & it seems that you don't know either. Until you learn the real state of your marriage, I don't see how your hurt can ever heal, how you can get the most out of life, or how you can be a good role model for the kids, even though you love them and take care of them. Children might not know the details, but they do know it when things aren't right between mom & dad. It may be that your self-image as a second class citizen reflects your own lack of self esteem, triggered by what happened 14 years ago, rather than your wife's opinion of you. Perhaps not, but don't you want to find out? What lies has your W told you through the years apart from stuff relating to her affair? you went on to have 3 kids. How has your sex life been? If it's been good, why are old words more convincing than actual behavior? If it's been bad, might it be because she took away your self confidence with those awful words? The main thing you communicate to me is that your stuck. You have some good things - like your kids, but you're basically stuck in a failed marriage in which you are deemed unsatisfactory. But, you're not necessarily stuck and it seems that you're not even sure of your wife's real feelings. I think your wife needs to hear the words that you wrote in this post. She needs to confront the impact on you of her affair. Not to punish her, but to understand you and to work on improving things, if that is her sincere wish. 14 years is a long time. Don't waste the rest of your life in the role of the one not wanted. First, confirm your views. If you're wrong, here's an opportunity for you to find out that no matter what happened before, your wife chooses you. If you're right, you need to think about having a better life. That doesn't mean abandoning your kids. It means living in a better emotional state of mind, which is beneficial to children. I'll be looking for your response & more info. Karen PS: forget the moniker. It's gibberish. |
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August 2, 2006, 10:35 am PDT
Quote From: kman66 hey SC - Good questions. I honestly don't know if she realizes I feel like the default man but I believe I have told her more than once that is how the whole episode made me feel. She doesn't like to talk about it. It makes me feel like she's hiding something. I know there are things she won't talk about. She'll talk about how she felt about me at the time, but never talks about how she felt about him, then or now. So i honestly don't know what she is thinkin. She tells me she loves me and is glad she is with me, but those are all things she said to me before she met this other guy and took off with him. So is she telling me these things to keep me around until her next "soulmate and best friend" shows up or does she really mean it? Who knows. I appreciate your kind words and support. It really does help. I hope all is great with you and yours. Take care - Kman Why are we so afraid to rock the boat when it's already been capsized? That is how I lived for way too long. When we put our own feelings aside and simply settle and live on with the false sense of security that we build up in our heads to justify why we settle....... somethings gotta' give. For years I knew that my husband felt the way you did and I said nothing, did nothing, felt alienated from him. It only made it harder for me to connect with him and it pushed me away to be vulnerable for when the phone rang and it was the other man....... I had no will power. I reasoned that my husband didn't care anyway. I felt that my husband would probably be better off with out me in the end. We know.... we can feel your vibes just like you can feel ours. Those feelings hang in the air over us and we disregard them and build up walls so we can pretend they are not there. I can remember knowing the exact questions that my husband would want to ask and he wouldn't...... it was like I could see the white balloon over his head with the words written there that were in his head and I knew. I didn't want to rock the boat, but it was already sinking. Just a word of caution.... maybe if you don't ask the questions again and again and keep the communication open and honest you can be content and keep the kids comfortable..... for you. But your wife needs you to connect with her on the level that you are talking to us in here so she can feel you and know you.... and when that phone call comes, or the next guy who throws out the bait to her happens...... she can spit it back at them..... those little boy men who have the nerve to mess with a vulnerable married lady! By helping yourself and learning the truth about your marriage, Kman, you will be helping her to be strong....... I've lived it..... I know..... Sue |
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August 2, 2006, 1:53 pm PDT
Quote From: bftsnshine After 20 months of waiting for him to leave his wife, David finally told Jan he has been unhappy for a long time and that he had been thinking about leaving. When asked if there was someone else, he told her the truth. For 5 weeks after, they continued to live together with neither seeing an attorney, nor talking to each other about a divorce or much of anything else for that matter. Last Monday, he told me that he had not changed his mind about wanting to leave, and he did not want to end our relationship. But by Friday, he apparently had changed his mind because he told me he wanted " to do the right thing" and try to work things out with his wife, if that is what she wants. I am so angry because I feel as if I've been lied to during the entire relationship. I waited 21 months just to be told he wasn't going to leave her. And to think we had talked about growing old together, vacationing in Capri and St. Lucia, going scuba diving in Honduras with my sister and her husband in January, etc. It just goes to show you that very rarely does a married man leave his wife. But in some cases they do. Such as the case of his older brother who was married to Jan's older sister. But it took 2 years. It's a heartbreak & I know it well. At least you found out the truth after only 20 months. This guy is never going to be there for you. He talks the talk, but he doesn't walk the walk. You must never believe, trust or rely on the lies he tells you. He says whatever he believes will work to keep you in a relationship in which his own needs and pleasures are all that matters. It will take you a bit of time to heal. You'll be angry - after all you've been misled for almost 2 years. 2 years that you'll never get back. BUT, please don't make the mistake of allowing the damage to go on any more than it already has. Once his wife is placated, he may well come back to you with more lies. He can't act any other way, unless he gets some counseling about the reasons for his selfishness. That's who he is. He's all those bad things, plus he's a man who can make you forget your doubts & resentments. He can charm the pants off of you and will if you ever allow him another try. Say goodbye to bad rubbish. Never let him back in your life again. And never forget that when a married man tells you any romantic stuff, look at his actions. If he isn't acting the way he's talking, ditch him ASAP! You'll hurt for a while. Your pain is real. You loved and got shafted in return. But, it hasn't been that long and you're still young. You'll recover from the pain if you let go of him now. You can't prevent the hurt,but you can limit it and not give him any more opportunities to cause you more harm. Tell him to drop dead and turn your back on him. He's bad news. |
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August 2, 2006, 4:20 pm PDT
Quote From: kman66 You're right shine - they don't. Even the one's that aren't married. When my wife had her affair 13 years ago and left me for her OM, as soon as he found out that her intentions were to be with him, he bailed. Said he was marrying another woman he was seeing! So wife asks me to come back (I didn't know that story at the time) and I end up being her conciliation package. Little did I know at the time I was actually consoling her about her loss!! She cried on my shoulder but I thought she was crying because she was sorry for what she had done, when in reality she was upset that her OM had rejected her. My point is (and I'll try to say this in the most tactful way I can) 9.9 times out of 10, your other man is a user! He has no intentions of leaving his wife and family. Not only is he in a comfort zone with them, it's too expensive!! He wants his cake and he's eating it too. He will tell you what you want to hear, and he may actually mean it at that time; that's what makes it so convincing. He will be romantic. That's what my wife told me when she confessed (well more like bragged) her affair and that she was leaving me - he was so romantic and said all the things she wanted to hear (even though he was lying to her just to get down her pants). He'll guarantee that he can fulfill your every dream; until he gets his rocks off; and then it's running back to momma until the next time. I like to talk to the ladies on this board because even though my wife was the other woman for another man, I still realize that most of you ladies (if not all) are being taken advantage of because you are vulnerable and wanting. Maybe it's my personal crusade against the kind of man that had a sexual festival with my wife by doing all the things that I bet your OM is doing and saying to you and then tossed her back to me when he was done with her so I could pick up the pieces and spend the rest of my life knowing I'm a second choice - the back up plan. If I can give any of you ladies a clue on how to spot these users, then maybe my betrayal and sadness will have served some purpose. I'm not tall, dark or handsome. I'm not rich and I'm just not much of a smooth talker. But I'm hard working, a great father and an excellent companion to someone who will treat me with the same respect I treat them...in other words I am boring. Ladies - don't let Lotharios ruin your life. There are good men out there who are available - it just takes work to find them. If you're married you may have a good man right under your nose if you just talk to him honestly - then again, maybe some of you aren't married to a good man and that's what led to your situation. Every situation is unique, but don't let some smooth talking lover use you as his personal concubine - you are better than that!! That's my two cents and that's about what it's worth. - Kman You are so right about so many things...Your wife was a fool to treat you with such disdain. Its a shame that sometimes we cant see what is right in front of us..You are a good man and obviously heartbroken..but not beyond repair...I too have consoled my husband because of his inner turmoil..Its really not fair for them to seek kindness from the one they hurt..My husband and i still live together and actually been getting along good lately..weve opened up the communication and its been better..as you know it comes and goes.
Thank you on behalf of all us ladies who are vulnerable and being taken advantage of.. For the record: We dont all want a rich,devastatingly handsome and smooth talking man. I am certain it just seems that way..as I get older and wiser I am finding that those qualities are a recipie for disaster..And you are right we are better than that thanks for noticing..You are too!
So sorry for all you pain..I too have pictures forever etched in my mind..sometimes it literally drives me mad...I have horrible,violent dreams and images that keep me awake at night..I usually can keep them from haunting me but when they return I turn into a sobbing,throbbing mess.
Its hard to overcome when you are priviledged to actual visuals from them as I was too..My heart goes out to you..I have went to therapy and when i can afford it i plan on getting more..If you can bring yourself to go I think you would find some answers...
Keep posting...If you dont we will miss you:)
Tammy TSL |
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August 2, 2006, 4:59 pm PDT
A new chapter is starting and maybe we will be able to become friends after all is said and done.
I thought about you all over the weekend..wish you well.. I see we have some new posters..some sad stories.. Ive got to get my sons bookbag ready and pick his clothes out..this is the fun part of being a mom.. we are going to read together and snuggle down for bed.. BTW- Looks like we are going to have our first hurricane. Chris. Remember I'm in Florida.. Hope its not an andrew,charley or katrina. TTFN TAMMY |
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Well my son goes back to school tomm. Ive enjoyed him at home but boy am I glad hes going back.LOL. My husband and I are getting along but we also had a pretty heated argument on Sunday. My moms birthday. my son and I went to stay at my sisters on saturday.so we could get to my moms early we made ham,scalloped potatoes great appetizers..My sisters and I love to cook..I even danced with my father..but I hate to leave him because I dont know what he is really doing. or what he does when im gone..and I worry that he was with the ow..he says they are done but the trust just isnt there anymore..I got very intoxicated( I know rosemary..I should not drink.) Drunk dialing has always been a bad thing for me..I say things I wish I could take back and cant...he is being more affectionate and Im just kinda going with the flow..I do have a solution for transportation finally..My husband is getting a new truck soon(about a month)he is going to transfer title to my sister and she is going to transfer the title of her car to me..so I dont have to drive the truck that holds some bad memories for me..knowing they have been driving in the truck together as a couple and had sex in it..Im grateful to her for the exchange..both are paid for.|
August 2, 2006, 7:05 pm PDT
Quote From: tsl5478
A new chapter is starting and maybe we will be able to become friends after all is said and done.
I thought about you all over the weekend..wish you well.. I see we have some new posters..some sad stories.. Ive got to get my sons bookbag ready and pick his clothes out..this is the fun part of being a mom.. we are going to read together and snuggle down for bed.. BTW- Looks like we are going to have our first hurricane. Chris. Remember I'm in Florida.. Hope its not an andrew,charley or katrina. TTFN TAMMY Tammy you know I have to get my jab in on you. See you got in trouble getting drunk. Most of your husbands problems have taken place in a bar as the result of drinking. All of your problems have increased tenfold because of drinking. You are still paying for these problems years later. Your son is what you are. He thinks drinking is acceptable because you got drunk at his grandmothers Bday party. What kind of example is that. He has a dad that stays out all night or until late hours because of drinking. I will assure you of one thing and you can take it to the bank you and your husband will never have a life as long as you drink. If life is so bad you have to get slobbering drunk to enjoy it then you need a new environment, new friends and a new attitude. I have been in the medical field for 45yrs and nothing is sadder than a 40,50 or 60 yr old alcoholic. You age ten fold.you get liver problems because you pickle your liver. The sadest part is that it completely destroys families. Children have to deal with all you side effects from alcohol the ones who arent alcoholics. If you cant handle life without alcohol then its time to get help. You and your husband could probably get together and live a fairly happy life if it werent for alcohol. Now my speeches are getting longer!!!!!!! But are you listening. You know I would not be taking my time writing you if I didnt love you and think so much of you. I look on this board first when I come to the boards because I want to see what is going on with you. You are to young and have too much on the ball for a good future to let alcohol take over your life. Rose Mary |
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August 2, 2006, 8:41 pm PDT
Quote From: saesq2 Hi - I'd like to get a little more information from you before offering any advice. I doubt you would be bothered too much if all that is happening is your MIL telling everything to your husband and being so dependent upon him. That's a description of her behavior. I assume that there's something in the way your husband responds to her dependence that disturbs you. Perhaps he pays her so much attention he has little left for you. Perhaps she is critical of you and he doesn't defend you. Perhaps you feel that he is closer to his mother than to you & that leaves you feeling unloved. I can't tell from your post what else is going on apart from your MIL's behavior. What is the impact on your H that leads to a problem in your eyes? One thing seems apparent: your MIL isn't going to change at this point. The only way things can get better is for you to identify what you would like your H to do differently, while recognizing he's not going to turn her behavior around or stop her dependency at this point. It's what they're both accustomed to and expect. Try to zero in on your relationship with your husband and what specifically goes on there that is troubling. Hi. Basically over the years many specific instances occurred that makes me feel the way I do. I realize my MIL is not going to change at this point. My SIL and I have had numerous conversations and she's told me my MIL has been needy and clingy forever. I do want to learn how I can make my husband see that his actions hurt my feelings. He doesn't see it, because he thinks his mother is perfect and I am the one who causes trouble. I'll give you a few examples. My MIL lived in TX and wanted to move back to FL. When I lost a pregnancy after being 6 months along, she moved her moving date up so she could be close to comfort her son. She actually asked him to fly to TX to drive her stuff to Fl. She needed to find a place to live, so she also needed to stay with us for a while. We just went through the most devastated experience of our life. I NEEDED my husband at that point, so I put my foot down and said no. She had to find a moving company. She was going to move only 2 months later, but she insisted on sticking her nose into our affairs RIGHT AWAY. Of course my husband didn't tell her to stay where she was until her closing date. While she was here.... weeks later she bursts into tears and just says all sorts of things about losing the baby and how depressed she feels. She is always trying to get her sons attention. Now, currently I have another moving story. We just moved from FL to NC recently and again... she's pushing her way here. I asked her to please wait until we find a home, but NO.... she won't do that. She wants to come NOW. I have been through a terrible ordeal. My home was hit by 3 hurricanes in the last 2 years, we had to have damage repaired, we had to put it on the market, we had to find jobs, we had to arrange the move, etc... . I had to keep my FT job during all this and keep my head on straight to deal with our 2 toddlers. I honestly can't take on her moving challenges too right now, because she is completely helpless. I've asked my husband to tell her to stay there until we get settled in our home... But of course, he just supports her decisions instead of mine. He can't say no to her. Whenever there is the smallest dispute, he always makes excuses for her and tries to make me see all the positives in her. He will never just say... Honey, I know my Mom is a big pain in the ass... but I have to put up with it because she's my mother. He can't validate my feelings. He just makes me feel stupid. Have you ever watched Everyone Loves Raymond? Have you ever seen the character Debra (his wife) try to prove her MIL's evil ways to her husband, but he never sees it.... that's my life!Ok... I've rambled. I'm truly sorry. I have lots of other stories... but I'm not going to bore you. Thanks for responding. R |
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August 3, 2006, 9:24 am PDT
Quote From: rothomel Hi. Basically over the years many specific instances occurred that makes me feel the way I do. I realize my MIL is not going to change at this point. My SIL and I have had numerous conversations and she's told me my MIL has been needy and clingy forever. I do want to learn how I can make my husband see that his actions hurt my feelings. He doesn't see it, because he thinks his mother is perfect and I am the one who causes trouble. I'll give you a few examples. My MIL lived in TX and wanted to move back to FL. When I lost a pregnancy after being 6 months along, she moved her moving date up so she could be close to comfort her son. She actually asked him to fly to TX to drive her stuff to Fl. She needed to find a place to live, so she also needed to stay with us for a while. We just went through the most devastated experience of our life. I NEEDED my husband at that point, so I put my foot down and said no. She had to find a moving company. She was going to move only 2 months later, but she insisted on sticking her nose into our affairs RIGHT AWAY. Of course my husband didn't tell her to stay where she was until her closing date. While she was here.... weeks later she bursts into tears and just says all sorts of things about losing the baby and how depressed she feels. She is always trying to get her sons attention. Now, currently I have another moving story. We just moved from FL to NC recently and again... she's pushing her way here. I asked her to please wait until we find a home, but NO.... she won't do that. She wants to come NOW. I have been through a terrible ordeal. My home was hit by 3 hurricanes in the last 2 years, we had to have damage repaired, we had to put it on the market, we had to find jobs, we had to arrange the move, etc... . I had to keep my FT job during all this and keep my head on straight to deal with our 2 toddlers. I honestly can't take on her moving challenges too right now, because she is completely helpless. I've asked my husband to tell her to stay there until we get settled in our home... But of course, he just supports her decisions instead of mine. He can't say no to her. Whenever there is the smallest dispute, he always makes excuses for her and tries to make me see all the positives in her. He will never just say... Honey, I know my Mom is a big pain in the ass... but I have to put up with it because she's my mother. He can't validate my feelings. He just makes me feel stupid. Have you ever watched Everyone Loves Raymond? Have you ever seen the character Debra (his wife) try to prove her MIL's evil ways to her husband, but he never sees it.... that's my life!Ok... I've rambled. I'm truly sorry. I have lots of other stories... but I'm not going to bore you. Thanks for responding. R Wow.... those are some extreme situations you have been put in. Sorry for your loss of the baby. I know how that feels. I've lost two, been blessed with three. I remember the Dr. Phil show about the MIL's who try to live their lives through their adult children's lives..... In the case where the husband would not support his wife and said nothing to his mother to protect his marriage, Dr. Phil came down hard on the husband. He told the husband that it's his responsibility to protect and support his WIFE, not his mother. He reminded the husband that when he married his wife, he was leaving his mother and his father and he was making a new family with his wife as the priority in his life. Even in small petty matters, Dr. Phil encouraged the husband to support the wife, if it was reasonable. In your case, however, these are extreme life decisions and situations that he is letting his mother invade............ I so relate to the "Everyone Loves Raymond" show.... my MIL would always tell me that I reminded her of Debra....LOL ....ugh! I know you've already talked to your husband about how you feel.... whatever words you are using are not working.... You need to find the right way and the right words to reach him so he can see the seriousness of his weakness and priorities where his mother is concerned. Maybe you can purchase the Dr. Phil taping of the show I was talking about and have him watch it with you. That is what I would do....if what I was saying was not reaching him. Sometimes we need to see ourselves through other situations....... And remember, you and your MIL have something very much in common.... you both love the same man..... he just needs to tell her in a loving way to BACK OFF..... Sue |
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August 3, 2006, 12:40 pm PDT
Quote From: rothomel Hi. Basically over the years many specific instances occurred that makes me feel the way I do. I realize my MIL is not going to change at this point. My SIL and I have had numerous conversations and she's told me my MIL has been needy and clingy forever. I do want to learn how I can make my husband see that his actions hurt my feelings. He doesn't see it, because he thinks his mother is perfect and I am the one who causes trouble. I'll give you a few examples. My MIL lived in TX and wanted to move back to FL. When I lost a pregnancy after being 6 months along, she moved her moving date up so she could be close to comfort her son. She actually asked him to fly to TX to drive her stuff to Fl. She needed to find a place to live, so she also needed to stay with us for a while. We just went through the most devastated experience of our life. I NEEDED my husband at that point, so I put my foot down and said no. She had to find a moving company. She was going to move only 2 months later, but she insisted on sticking her nose into our affairs RIGHT AWAY. Of course my husband didn't tell her to stay where she was until her closing date. While she was here.... weeks later she bursts into tears and just says all sorts of things about losing the baby and how depressed she feels. She is always trying to get her sons attention. Now, currently I have another moving story. We just moved from FL to NC recently and again... she's pushing her way here. I asked her to please wait until we find a home, but NO.... she won't do that. She wants to come NOW. I have been through a terrible ordeal. My home was hit by 3 hurricanes in the last 2 years, we had to have damage repaired, we had to put it on the market, we had to find jobs, we had to arrange the move, etc... . I had to keep my FT job during all this and keep my head on straight to deal with our 2 toddlers. I honestly can't take on her moving challenges too right now, because she is completely helpless. I've asked my husband to tell her to stay there until we get settled in our home... But of course, he just supports her decisions instead of mine. He can't say no to her. Whenever there is the smallest dispute, he always makes excuses for her and tries to make me see all the positives in her. He will never just say... Honey, I know my Mom is a big pain in the ass... but I have to put up with it because she's my mother. He can't validate my feelings. He just makes me feel stupid. Have you ever watched Everyone Loves Raymond? Have you ever seen the character Debra (his wife) try to prove her MIL's evil ways to her husband, but he never sees it.... that's my life!Ok... I've rambled. I'm truly sorry. I have lots of other stories... but I'm not going to bore you. Thanks for responding. R You've clarified a lot. You could stand your MIL's dependency if your H would show a little emotional solidarity with you: " Honey, I know my Mom is a big pain in the ass... but I have to put up with it because she's my mother."
Instead of trying to discuss your MIL with your H, why don't you sit him down and talk ONLY about your feelings? Why don't you tell him you could stand practically anything his mother does if only he showed some solidarity with you? Why don't you tell him what you would like to hear him say, as you told me? Why don't you demand marital counseling with him, NOT to change your MIL, but to work on the feelings provoked in you by HIS attitude towards you MIL?
Otherwise, he perceives it as just an attack on his mother, whom he feels duty-bound to defend. It's not about her. It's about you. Try to limit any reference to your MIL when you speak with him about the problem. Use it only as a lead in to telling him how his attitude makes you feel. If he responds with a comment about his mother, dismiss it. You don't want to go there. You want to focus on the problem in your relationship. It's not MIL who bothers you so much. It's H's not being with you emotionally. |
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August 3, 2006, 6:49 pm PDT
Quote From: poetmom It's time for you to go...he's playing you AND his wife for fools, and you're both letting him. Even if he divorced her tomorrow, what would your level of trust be in the relationship? He's already let you know that he's going to lie, sneak around, etc., and that if you find out and get hurt, it's going to be your fault for finding out, not his fault for lying, sneaking, etc. Is that REALLY how you want to live your life, or teach your daughter life should be? Get out now, before he has a chance to ruin her life. I agree with the others-you made a stupid mistake, he's a liar and a loser and not worth it, and ultimatums are probably not your best bet. You are already aware that you made stupid mistake for getting involved with a married man. Now that you are in a very serious situation you need to be aware of some things. You say he is telling you his wife is evil and she is stalling the divorce. If he's telling you all these bad things about her you can be sure they are most likely not true AND he is most likely telling her lies about you. I'm guessing he tells her you're evil and threatening him so he can't leave you but he really loves her and wants to be with her, not you. The secrecy pretty much should spell that out for you. I'm sure you already knew that but maybe didn't want to believe it. He's not going to marry you. If he respected marriage he would have tried to work things out with his wife before going the divorce route and he would have waited until the divorce was finalized before he started dating anyone. He manipulated you until he had the best of both worlds-a wife and a mistress. No respectable man does that. Despite the fact that you made a stupid mistake you should still have enough respect for yourself and your child to ditch this guy. Let him be a part of his child's life if he wants to be but to be on the safe side go to your local Dept. of Social Services. They will help you set up a child support agreement/court order and guide you towards many services that can help you. Food Stamps, Medical Care for you and the baby, and counseling are only some of the services they provide. They can help you in soooooooooooooo many ways! There is even a program for free daycare that you can use so that you can go to school or get a job. And college can be paid for with grants if you use FAFSA. Be the best mom you can be and keep pushing yourself to go farther. You made a mistake but you still have the rest of your life. Be a good role model for your daughter so that she won't end up in the same situation. You CAN make a good life for yourself and your daughter! You don't need this loser!
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