Topic : The Other Woman

Hi girls..I just wanted to say hello its been a while.  I have news of me and my husband.

We are trying to work on our marriage again..my sister finally moved out and I think my husband is buying me a jeep tomm.... we are painting my sons room and finishing his tree house this weekend.  I have to take a test for verizon on line and go in for an interview..

 

Finally good things are happening.

 

the other woman is a bad memory..hopefully she keeps her distance and he keeps his.

 

tsl..

I have been with my husband now for 8 years . Just been married for 1 1/2 years now.. He has an ex wife that has been coming between us the whole 8 years.. He says he is paying her mortage for the 8 years also cause he says his daughter is in college, He says in may of 2008 she will be out..I can understand him paying for his daughter schooling but not by his self.Anyway making a long story short ,I seen her phone number on his cell phone the other day and ask him why she call..He always tells me no of my bussiness or he dont have time to talk to me about it ..Cause he has to explain it to me..I think i have been more patience then anyone I know.. I am just lost and confuss ..He says he will never go backwards. But I feel like I am always in last place,,any word what I should do...? thanks

 First of all, I realize you posted to juballl, but he left the boards some time ago due to health reasons. I hope you don't mind if I answer?
May I ask why your husband divorced his first wife? Do you think he feels guilty and that is perhaps why he supports her so well?
As far as his daughter's college costs, that's totally up to him. He may be paying the lion's share of it, but are you sure that the ex-wife isn't pitching in with the everyday allowance and things that enables her daughter to get by while in school?
His answer to your question of why he talked to his ex-wife the other day sounds defensive. Does he think you suspect him of something? Do you have any reason to suspect him of something other than the fact that he takes care of the ex with support, pays the daughter's college costs, and talks to ex on the phone?

 OK, now that your husband is on board, I recommend you scroll down to Relationships/Sex at the bottom. See what Dr Phil recommends as actions to take to get your marriage back.  If he's just telling you he won't see the other woman again, it's not enough.

Although I have been a person who has had her head on straight and made good decisions my whole life, I made a bad one and became the other woman.  I had been married for ten years and had a three month affair with a man my husband and I had known for a long time.  This man was also married, his wife caught on, and he ended things.  I never wanted to leave my husband and I didn't want him to leave his wife, but I was very attached emotionally and did not want this affair to end.  This was four years ago. 

 

My problem is although I have tried hard, I can't get over it.  I can't forgive myself for what I have done and I can't get over this man.  We have mutual friends so I hear about what he is doing and it makes me miss him.  It sounds so pathetic, and truthfully it is.  I have two children and I'd like to move on and make a happy life for myself.  It's just that there is this void.  My husband and I have no emotional connection at all.  I'm not sure if my husband is even capable of that.  I'm unable to talk to him about my feelings at all.  The only emotion I've ever seen from my husband is anger.  However divorce is not an option for me and so I want to get this other man out of my head once and for all and move on.

 

My husband knows all about the affair and has forgiven me.  I no longer keep in contact with the other man although truthfully I would if I had the chance.  Any advice for my pathetic self?

 Have you and your husband had any kind of counseling for this at all? If you haven't, would you consider it?
There's a reason you two got married in the first place. Remember how you used to be together? None of us gets married with the idea that it's temperary.
There is a reason why you were vulnerable to an affair, and if you don't understand why and how that came about, you are in the category of those that earn the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater." You will be vulnerable again and may do it again because you don't have the tools to recognize the signs and take steps to prevent it. Ditto for your husband.
Counseling can help your husband with his anger, it can help you two with communication as well as many other things.
We are not offered courses in school on how to be married, and sometimes the examples we grow up with are not the best. It pays dividends to admit that we don't know it all and might need some help. What have you got to lose?

Yes, my husband and I have been to counseling many times in the past.  I've gone on my own, he's gone on his own, and we've gone together.  When he went to counseling on his own to deal with his anger, the counselor told him (or at least what my husband got from it) was that I "infuriate'" him.  So instead of helping him find ways to deal with the anger more constructively, they seemed to have just found the cause of it which was me.  In our case counseling did not help all that much.  Maybe we didn't try long enough.  We always think we are doing so much better, but it always comes back to this.

 

I do understand why I cheated.  It scares me because it could happen again because none of our issues have been resolved.  I don't want to always be a cheater.  I couldn't respect myself.  I feel horrible enough for the mess that came out of this situation. 

 

Anyway, I don't know if I can fix my marriage or not.  I will probably just survive in my marriage the way I did before the affair.  I just kept anything that was bothering me to myself to avoid dealing with my husband's anger.  I wasn't  happy, but it kept the peace.  No matter what, I  want to fix is myself emotionally because I'm raising two children.  I know that when their mom is an emotional wreck than I'm not being the best mother that I could be.  I just feel like the first step is getting the other man out of my head.  I don't want to think about him.  I don't want to be wondering what he's doing.  I'm just so far haven't been very successful.

Perhaps your husband had the wrong counselor. If the counselor said that you infuriate your husband, did he find out why and, if so, did the counselor give him any tools to deal with his anger? How long ago was your affair? Is this the main issue that is not getting resolved? Also, if you want the marriage to work, it does take time but you must first make the committment to do whatever it takes to rebuild your relationship with your husband. There is no easy answer or cure. You were emotionally and physically attached to this OM and you are going through a 'breakup' with him and that takes time to get over, also. Your husband is going through the healing from the pain inflicted upon him, also. Do you know that infidelity is the worst pain anyone will ever go through? So, your husband is not going to get over it right away. But......both of you must look inward, at your own actions and interactions in your relationship to see why it happened in the first place. You and he should be showing the other partner love, support, loyalty and devotion. Get back to the place when you first got together and realize what you loved about the other person. Do everything you can do to be the type of wife he would want to stay with, as he should be the type of man you wish to be with.

 

Do you have contact with the other man? If so, you must never, ever see him again or talk to him or correspond with him. If your husband has anger issues he must deal with them. You are not the 'cause' of his anger if he would react to you, in the past with such rage and such that it kept you from confiding in him. He must first find a way to overcome the way he reacts to unpleasant situations. Think whoever he went to for counseling did not do a very good job. It is not about blame, it is about looking into yourself and finding the root of any problem and resolving what causes it. I suggest you read some of Dr. Phils books, as should your husband and work on this as a team. Also, see www.marriagebuilders.com and they have an excellent plan to rebuild your relationship and for you to get over this other man. You are comparing your husband to him.

 

If you do get to the point that you find it is you;; that you do not wish to be in the marriage, then at least you will have the truth. Do not give up and, I do know this, if you and your husband cannot communicate your innermost thoughts and feelings to each other without emotional outburst, it will never work. And.....it will come back to the affair many times. Your husband is replaying it in his mind. Think how you would feel should the shoe be on the other foot. If he can just forgive you and look into your eyes and see the love you have for him and the family, then vow to start anew each day and look to the future, not the past, it would help. You also must quit replaying the past; it is over and done with. You two can have such a wonderful marriage if you both wish to; it is all up to you and he. Do some reading that is helpful; not counseling that did not good or find a much better counselor and go togetherl  mmarie

Thank you so much for your response.  The things you said really make sense to me.  You are right, I am comparing my husband to the other man.  I know that is not helping anything at all.

 

The affair has been over for four years.  That is why I feel like I am so messed up.  Four years is plenty of time to move on and forget about a three month affair.  I don't know why I keep hanging onto this in my head.  Part of it is I have trouble forgiving myself.  I have never been intimate with any other man other than my husband so it meant something to me.  I don't know.  I feel like some sort of obsessed nutcase.

 

I haven't spoken to the other man in two years and that was just a brief phone call which I stupidly initiated.  He makes it easy because he wants nothing to do with me and hasn't in four years.  You are right, I have to quit replaying the past.  I'm not sure how to get this guy out of my head once and for all, but it does need to happen.  I remember when I was a good, loving person and I want to get back to that somehow.

 

I will try marriage builders and also dig out the Dr. Phil books.  I have them, just never read them.  Thank you again for taking the time to respond.  It means a lot.

I had the opportunity to meet a very nice man. We went out on a few dates, and yet still I found myself not being able to enjoy being with him, and stopped seeing him.

 

I find myself still so very attached to the MM emotionally. I have a hard time at this point even letting in friends anymore. I’ve gotten to the point, where when I have to be around others socially, it drains me completely, and I end up isolating myself for days, weeks on end, just to recoup.

 

I’ve tried church, I’ve tried throwing myself into new things, I’ve tried burying myself at work at the office for 15 hours a day, and still at the end of the day, I regret walking away from him. I’ve wanted so desperately to contact him lately, and yet the only thing keeping me from doing so is knowing that I could never handle it if he told me he didn’t want me back. I can honestly say even if he told me that he was still trying to work up to the actual filing of the divorce, I’d be with him in a heartbeat. At least this way there’s hope, a reason to go through the motions when I don’t’ feel like it, a reason to keep on keeping on, so to speak.

 

Is this normal to go back and forth so much? To feel like you are moving on, only to realize a month later that you are back to square one?

 

Befuddled,

 

Victoria