Topic : The Other Woman

hello, i am pretty much in the same place as you are. i did call the wife and she knew what was happening and is still happening with another woman. and i have been in that same hopeless place as you... and i am trying to find a passion once more as i rebuild my relationship with my self so today i practiced on my guitar after a few years...not quite like riding a bike since i had only just began playing 3 years ago and did not get very far.

i spoke to a male friend this morning after waking up feeling like crap.  i had been and probably will still find myself in emotional conflict over my MM.  my male friend said something to me that kicked me out of the blues this morning that i would like to share you with and others in this situation....he said men are all about sex and women are all about heart.  men will say  anything to get between your legs and you will let him out of pity, to comfort him. he said men don't care about women's emotional needs, and they will tell you whatever you want to hear to get their needs met.  he did not care enough about me to end his marriage even when he said it was over and had been long before he met me. if i had not gotten ill and had remained in the US and finished my degree and gotten a job there, i would still have been involved with him because i loved him deeply, i cared about him, and we had a great time together in every aspect of our relationship, he was everything i wanted in a man except free to be with me, faithful to me and dedicated to me.  when i became a liability to him he discarded me. as long as i remained independent and filling HIS needs he was there with flowers, gifts, breakfast, dinners, and oh yeah "love"

accept that he is using  you. 

on the issue of self worth, girlfriend i am right there with you...i grew up seeing men cheat on women, and i beleived that's just the way it is, and i was prepared to be cheated on and i was prepared to be the OW who took away the man, because i saw men leave their wives for the OW.  and at my age i felt the only way i could get a man in my life was if he had been on the way out of a previous marriage.  i did not want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage so i got involved only after he told me his marriage was over and that he decided to get divorced and would do it as soon as she came back from a 2mth stay abroad.  he and i made plans for the next year of our lives and because i was a foreign grad student  on scholarship with commitments to my home country which i intended to honor at first, that meant making some tough decisions,,,after 3 mths however, after telling his wife and announcing it to the kids and reaching the point of dividing assests he decided not to follow on with the divorce. he lied whne his wife asked if there was somenone else, and all the cells in my body wanted to leave at that point.  he is a millionair and he did not think the wife deserved as much as the law entitled her to because he worked in another country and brought her back with him along with all the money he made there but only invested after they were legally married inorder for her to get her green card in the us...

he chose money over my love, he cheated on his wife for sexual gratification which he was not getting from her for over a year beofer and as long as his relationship with her in their home was "STABLE"  he did want he wanted  to do....stable for men means that the wife is not quarelling with him everyday, that the house is functional and quiet.  he leaves early, returns late, and spend the weekend with the kids.  and he gives her sex maybe once a month and once in 2 or 3 mths.  to keep her on his side.  he came to me once or twice on a morning for a snuggle, an experience of quiet togetherness which has found only wiht me among all the women he had ever been with, and sex which was the best he had ever had, and we talked everymorning on the phone, he was my wake up call at 6am, and would see each other at school at least twice, dinner maybe once a week or so.....so he got love from me on his terms only....i got to love him on his terms only....it was meant to be only a few months before we would move in together and get married after their divorce...he had never felt the way he felt when he was with me, he wished his relationship with his wife was like ours, ...these were some of the lines he gave me and i am sure you are hearing the some of them too  ...

what i am learning is that this process is not a one step process and it does not happen over night.  the support you get here may help you to feel better when you read to messages, but after a while the empty feeling will comes back...don't get discouraged. cry, curse, do whatever you need, call someone and talk about it, most of all be PATIENT. once you start there will be alot of hurt to face,

ask your self why you don't believe you aren't worthy of having a faithful man to share your life and love with...and redefine your beliefs.....another great book to read for spiritual help, because believe me this is a spiritual dilema, is the bible, regardless of religion.  wayn dyer also has some books on the topic on manifesting your destiny....

as for me let me tell you that i am having to change beliefs that i have had all of my 35 years of life, from the belief that i do not have love in me, because i was a quarelsome child...mind you quarelling about keeping the home clean and being disciplined....because i saw a lazy man as my father and rebelled against laziness in all form and fashion...and that was one of the redeeming qualities of my MM. he had many great qualities, and when i think of them he deserves a great relationship and loving wife. but you know what, he is also stuck in poor self esteem.....all of us who find ourselves here are in that place at some point in time.

my MM hurt me a great deal, i gave him perfect love and he betrayed.  but guess what ... he betrayed his wife also. and i am angry with myself that i did not hold the line with him, i told him that i did not want to violate the bonds of marriage and that we should wait until after the divorce to explore any potential between us....but i gave in to sexual temptaion and to pity and the need to love someone....i was stupid and he hurt me. i was so deperate for love...and he for sex. ...

but you must beleive that you can and you will grow from this experience, there are lessons to learn about yourself and start by asking how did you end up here, what did you beleive, what fooled you...  

I bet his wife already knows she has a cheating husband if he has a background of cheating. Don't know that it would do much good for you to get involved with it all. Could it be you want her to know in hopes he may end his marriage with her? Also, why do you wish to remain in a relationship with him when you know he has a history of cheating? Heavens, you are worth way more than puting up with someone like this. Of course it hurts when you care for someone and, you know in your heart and soul, that he is not good for you and you must end it. But, it will hurt more in days, months, years to come if you continue with him. Please be good to yourself and get out right away - have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever. You are worth much more than to accept someone with such a character as his. You already know what you are getting yourself into. Start the healing of your heart today, get through the hurt and pain, as you must start that sometime and putting it off only makes it worse.

You certainly do have a future, but not one if you stay with him. And, don't look at your future as needing a man in your life, right now. Look at it as doing the things you have passion for, in life, enjoying each day and what it brings you - meeting new people - doing new things. Concentrate on you and once your heart is healed, you will be surprised that the man you always wanted will appear when you least expect it. Please read Self-Matters and get away from this man who is pulling you down. You don't need him in your life, he is not good for you or any woman.

Good luck - we will all be here for you while you heal and start  new chapter in your life.

Just want you to know that i have reread your response several times today and it is helping me tremendously.  Started to read Self Matters .. which i found i already had on my shelf ... and am trying to focus on what it offers. 

i have trouble believing i have a future .. so your words that i do have one .. but not if i stay with him ... are ringing so true in my mind.  i know that to be true .. this is a go no-where situation ... and one full of hurt for his wife.  i recognize that if it's not me - it will be someone else - and chances are it probably already is given his extensive travels.  The pain inside is so hard to take - but i know what you said is true - hurt now and get it over with rather than continuing for months and maybe years.  It has already been almost a year.   For someone who has always believed she is unlovable .. to be told she is a man's fantasy is one heck of a powerful draw.

i hate that intense sadness and fear that i feel right now ... feelings that almost propel me to connect with him and take back my words of ending things .. but i need to get past that .. get through this next little bit until i can feel some relief inside.

i don't think my wanting his wife to find out is because i want him to leave her .. i couldn't see he and i together even if that did happen .. but i do want him to be exposed for who he is .. and it is not the fine up-standing community member and manager at work that he is perceived to be.  However, i know that is best left to fate .. it is not my right to expose him.

Again .. just wanted to say thanks ... your message is my life line right now.

Your message has given me a glimpse of hope .. some steps I can take to do what I know is right and needs to be done .. support and understanding ... and some clarity.  Right now I don't believe I am worth much .... but maybe some of what you have said to me will help me to move in this direction. 

I would give anything to be able to see a future for myself .. to connect with something I am passionate about .. identifying it first would be helpful ... and to be able to heal the hurt and pain that I feel.  This roller coaster has taken its toll on me ... I have found the courage and strength to move through tragedy and pain before .. and I need to find the believe within that I can find that same strength and courage to get through this mess I allowed myself to get into. 

First step today .. go and buy the book Self-Matters.... add it to my collection of Dr. Phil's books .. and make it a priority to read and put into action.

You have no idea how much your words have helped me .. given me a little ray of hope .. thank you for that!

I know you can't understand this, but the connection one has with a person you have had children with, is never ever totally gone. Yes, you will have people that hate their ex's and don't want anything to do with them for many valid reasons, but the one thing that they have in common, is the love they have for their child. This is something not easy to deal with, but even in a bad marriage, there were good times, or they would never have gotten married. If all the talk was about good times, and had to do with a fond memory of their child, then you need to realize that there were good times between them at one time, and those times are gone.  

You talk about it being your boyfriend, and she has a boyfriend as well, well remember, your boyfriend chose you, and since no one is married, he could be with her if that was his choice, but it isn't. If you love this man, and your relationship is a good one, just realize that it is her loss, not yours. She may have some good memories of when they were a family, and it involves their child, but YOU have him, and accept the fact that you are HIS choice, not her.  I am sure you have a past as well, and I am sure you have fond memories of whomever is from your past. According to you, they were not reminiscing about their fond memories with just them, it was about their child, something you knew they had before you made whatever commitment you have with your boyfriend. Don't expect them to not have good memories about their child. I wonder if part of your jealously is because it is an area you can't share in, not being a parent yourself, more than him talking with his ex, that he chose to no longer be with. 

I hope this helps, and I hope you can be more secure in the fact that you are with him, because he chooses to be with you, just like you chose to be with him. Good luck