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Topic : The Other Woman

Number of Replies: 2963
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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October 7, 2005, 3:33 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: mrs_affair

Hi.  I've been the "other woman" for 1 1/2 years.  We don't see each other very often, maybe once every month or so.  He feels real guilty because we are both married with kids, but he keeps coming around.  I never have felt guilty, I know that sounds bad, but I can't help how I feel.  To me, this is something I do just for me, no one knows about it.  We are very discreet.  And neither of us would ever admit to it.  I know there are lots of women in this situation.  Most of us get slammed for it.  And I can see why.  But it still dosen't change anything.  My feeling for this other man are very strong, and yet I'm happily married and wouldn't want to change that.  I guess I want my cake and eat it too!  Are there other women out there that get me?
Well, I get what you are saying.  But I'm afraid that your story might not end up having a happy ending. I was sort of in a situation like that not too long ago.  I was the other woman and he was married. I am also married and my husband is actually related to my affair partner.  The affair started between me and this man in March and ended in a very disasterous way in June.  It's very easy to get caught up in the "good" feelings.  I felt like I had everything I had ever wanted with this guy.  My husband and I had BIG problems way before the affair and once the affair begun... I wasn't even considering breaking it off (the affair) because it was an outlet for my frustration and stress.  And eventually I fell totally head over heels for this other person and he kept trying to persuade me to actally be with him.  At that point I realized I was absolutely totally out of control.  My life was spiraling and I had no idea what I should do.  My situation at home with my husband was escalating and I ended up telling him that we needed to separate for a short time.  He moved to his dad's and in the meantime I told the other guy we needed distance as well so I could figure out what in the world I was going to do.  While this was all taking place... our secret leaked out.  His wife had become more and more suspicious over the few months even though my husband was absolutely clueless and totally unsuspecting.  She found out and brought it all to light and pretty soon the whole family knew.  To say the least, our "relationship" was ended promptly and left many unsettling and unresolved feelings between the two of us.  So back to your situation:  You may feel that it's harmless or try to tell yourself that it is... but be careful because you will get burned.  And your heart will end up broken into pieces and you will hurt others as a result of your secret fun.  I get what you are saying though I really do.  I was there not too long ago.  I miss the other guy everyday.  I think about him every single day even though my husband and I got back together.  I believe that I did love and still do love the other man, but wrong place wrong time wrong people under our circumstances we were in.  We absolutely were being totally careless and irresponsible in the worst possible way.  Not only did we hurt everyone else but we set ourselves up for the most awful heart wrenching disappointment we could've imagined.
 
October 8, 2005, 3:02 pm CDT

Need Advise, PLEASE!!!

 Hi, I'm in dire need of some advise. I'm 45  and have been divorced for 3 years.  My  problem is with a relationship I'm in now.  The guy I'm with was never legaly married but has lived common-law with two other women. He has 12 kids with #1 and two kids with #2. I get along with the kids ok. I have two kids from my former marriage also. All the kids are grown up . The majority of his kids all work for him and are living in housing and have everything all paid by him. #1 and #2 also live in housing and do absolutely nothing as he pays everything for them too. #1 has definite mental problems and lives in a fantasy where she thinks that he's going to come back to her, it's been over twenty years, he's since lived with #2 and he hasn't gone back. She's still here.  She's caused a lot of problems for me besides.  He allows her to get away with it too . #2 used to be a book keeper  for him but he found out she was embezzling funds. .He pays her a wage still even though she no longer does the books. About 5 years ago, he moved out to prvide care to his 90 something mother. he told me that it was a good excuse to get away from #2 in the hopes she'd move away. She didn't. In the last five years I helped look after his mom as well as taken care of his needs . I thought that things were over between him and #2 but when his mom past away, I was told that I wasn't to go to the funeral as I'd cause trouble. I thought he meant amonst his brother's, but later found out on the day of the funeral that it was because of #2. She never even went to visit his mom, nor has she even been around in all that time, she just showed up out of the blue. It was left up to me to drive all the way to where he was working to tell him his mom had passed away. Now his daughter is getting married. I was told I could go, but I didn't because he's still claiming #2 as a wife. I wasn't formally invited to the weding but the daughter had told me verbally to come.  I must be totally insane, becvause in spite of all this, I still love the man. He wants me to marry him, leagaly even,  so he says, but I can't help but feel that he's just stringing me along, I don't know what to do anymore, am i just a sucker for abusive relationships or what. Please if anyone anywhere has any advise, please post it here, thanks in advance.
 
October 8, 2005, 8:54 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: aurora

 Hi, I'm in dire need of some advise. I'm 45  and have been divorced for 3 years.  My  problem is with a relationship I'm in now.  The guy I'm with was never legaly married but has lived common-law with two other women. He has 12 kids with #1 and two kids with #2. I get along with the kids ok. I have two kids from my former marriage also. All the kids are grown up . The majority of his kids all work for him and are living in housing and have everything all paid by him. #1 and #2 also live in housing and do absolutely nothing as he pays everything for them too. #1 has definite mental problems and lives in a fantasy where she thinks that he's going to come back to her, it's been over twenty years, he's since lived with #2 and he hasn't gone back. She's still here.  She's caused a lot of problems for me besides.  He allows her to get away with it too . #2 used to be a book keeper  for him but he found out she was embezzling funds. .He pays her a wage still even though she no longer does the books. About 5 years ago, he moved out to prvide care to his 90 something mother. he told me that it was a good excuse to get away from #2 in the hopes she'd move away. She didn't. In the last five years I helped look after his mom as well as taken care of his needs . I thought that things were over between him and #2 but when his mom past away, I was told that I wasn't to go to the funeral as I'd cause trouble. I thought he meant amonst his brother's, but later found out on the day of the funeral that it was because of #2. She never even went to visit his mom, nor has she even been around in all that time, she just showed up out of the blue. It was left up to me to drive all the way to where he was working to tell him his mom had passed away. Now his daughter is getting married. I was told I could go, but I didn't because he's still claiming #2 as a wife. I wasn't formally invited to the weding but the daughter had told me verbally to come.  I must be totally insane, becvause in spite of all this, I still love the man. He wants me to marry him, leagaly even,  so he says, but I can't help but feel that he's just stringing me along, I don't know what to do anymore, am i just a sucker for abusive relationships or what. Please if anyone anywhere has any advise, please post it here, thanks in advance.
 I am sure you know deep down that this is not working well for you. I don't know you- and don't have all the facts but in my view- generally speaking- when a man wants something, he gets it. By that I mean, although he says he wants to marry you- if he wanted to he would marry you- not talk about it. The talking about it seems to me like a good way to keep you interested and hanging on.

You can plainly see that he is stringing the other women along just that he sees you- and you are all falling for the same ploy.

After divorce it probably feels good to have someone just pay attention to you- and at 45 you're probably thinking this "promise" of marriage could save  you from being all alone for ever- but do you want this guy? Do you want to be always wondering if he has yet another girlfriend?

And why are you not even worth a real invitation to the wedding? Are you not even worth the paper it's printed on- and the postage??

I am sure you know what's right.
 
October 8, 2005, 9:45 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: ritehere

 What does it matter if anybody out here "gets" you? How is your husband going to take it if he finds out? Will he "get" you? That's what matters.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble. I don't know how young/old you are, but your cheating WILL come back to haunt you. You say you're in a good marriage? I doubt that, otherwise you wouldn't nt be tippy-toeing around. I KNOW, I've been there and it's come back to haunt me, some 20 years later. If you don't do whats "right", it doesn't matter. I believe in God, have done things to make myself feel "good", but it's now hurting my husband when I need him the most. I won't get into details, but for your kids sake and your DH's, get out of this relationship now. I guaranee you, you will not benefit from it. If you need to talk to someone, you need to start with DH or a counselor. My problems were MINE, not his. I needed to work on me. I did, but again, I'm suffering the consequences of MY actions.
 
October 8, 2005, 9:47 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: ladywisdom

The truth ALWAYS comes to light.... 

One other thing I wanted to mention... wonder how many "other" women he's seeing. Sounds like he's making the rounds. You say he "comes around". Just an afterthought. If you don't think about anyone other than yourself, you at least, owe your kids a better like than a lie. Sorry if I've offended you. I'm an old broad who's been around the block more times than I'd like to remember. Just don't want ot see any more children hurt by their partents not dealing with their own issues. I'm a product of that.
 
October 9, 2005, 9:35 am CDT

Step outside of your situation,

Quote From: mrrobe

Well, I get what you are saying.  But I'm afraid that your story might not end up having a happy ending. I was sort of in a situation like that not too long ago.  I was the other woman and he was married. I am also married and my husband is actually related to my affair partner.  The affair started between me and this man in March and ended in a very disasterous way in June.  It's very easy to get caught up in the "good" feelings.  I felt like I had everything I had ever wanted with this guy.  My husband and I had BIG problems way before the affair and once the affair begun... I wasn't even considering breaking it off (the affair) because it was an outlet for my frustration and stress.  And eventually I fell totally head over heels for this other person and he kept trying to persuade me to actally be with him.  At that point I realized I was absolutely totally out of control.  My life was spiraling and I had no idea what I should do.  My situation at home with my husband was escalating and I ended up telling him that we needed to separate for a short time.  He moved to his dad's and in the meantime I told the other guy we needed distance as well so I could figure out what in the world I was going to do.  While this was all taking place... our secret leaked out.  His wife had become more and more suspicious over the few months even though my husband was absolutely clueless and totally unsuspecting.  She found out and brought it all to light and pretty soon the whole family knew.  To say the least, our "relationship" was ended promptly and left many unsettling and unresolved feelings between the two of us.  So back to your situation:  You may feel that it's harmless or try to tell yourself that it is... but be careful because you will get burned.  And your heart will end up broken into pieces and you will hurt others as a result of your secret fun.  I get what you are saying though I really do.  I was there not too long ago.  I miss the other guy everyday.  I think about him every single day even though my husband and I got back together.  I believe that I did love and still do love the other man, but wrong place wrong time wrong people under our circumstances we were in.  We absolutely were being totally careless and irresponsible in the worst possible way.  Not only did we hurt everyone else but we set ourselves up for the most awful heart wrenching disappointment we could've imagined.
 Imagine that your daughter were in this predicament, or if you don't have a daughter, your best friend, or your mother. What would you say to her?

Now, think about how common-law #3 sounds as your new title?

Remember Dr Phil's truism: past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, AND we teach people how to treat us. Have you asked #1 and #2 how they got into this mess and how they feel about it? Or are you just listening to what romeo is telling you?

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you know all of this already and are just posting to validate what you feel inside but are unwilling to accept. Am I right?
 
October 9, 2005, 9:25 pm CDT

I'm the other woman...

I had been seeing a married man for over seven months when his wife found out. He decided that he would work on the marriage and stay with her. They are going to marriage counseling but he has not stopped contacting me. This went on for about two months. Just recently he has decided that he really cannot continue to have contact with me if he is to really give his wife a chance. I am heartbroken. He's been married for over twenty years. God, she's had a chance to be a good wife to him. What the hell? She had to have suspected that he was messing around and did nothing. When she found out about me then she stepped it up. She all of a sudden wanted sex and now she wants to be this amazing wife. Why is it that she wants to do this after she finds out about me. I am crazy jealous right now and all I want is her to be out of the picture. I don't understand how he can be fooled by her.
 
October 10, 2005, 6:59 am CDT

It just may be over

Quote From: mrrobe

Well, I get what you are saying.  But I'm afraid that your story might not end up having a happy ending. I was sort of in a situation like that not too long ago.  I was the other woman and he was married. I am also married and my husband is actually related to my affair partner.  The affair started between me and this man in March and ended in a very disasterous way in June.  It's very easy to get caught up in the "good" feelings.  I felt like I had everything I had ever wanted with this guy.  My husband and I had BIG problems way before the affair and once the affair begun... I wasn't even considering breaking it off (the affair) because it was an outlet for my frustration and stress.  And eventually I fell totally head over heels for this other person and he kept trying to persuade me to actally be with him.  At that point I realized I was absolutely totally out of control.  My life was spiraling and I had no idea what I should do.  My situation at home with my husband was escalating and I ended up telling him that we needed to separate for a short time.  He moved to his dad's and in the meantime I told the other guy we needed distance as well so I could figure out what in the world I was going to do.  While this was all taking place... our secret leaked out.  His wife had become more and more suspicious over the few months even though my husband was absolutely clueless and totally unsuspecting.  She found out and brought it all to light and pretty soon the whole family knew.  To say the least, our "relationship" was ended promptly and left many unsettling and unresolved feelings between the two of us.  So back to your situation:  You may feel that it's harmless or try to tell yourself that it is... but be careful because you will get burned.  And your heart will end up broken into pieces and you will hurt others as a result of your secret fun.  I get what you are saying though I really do.  I was there not too long ago.  I miss the other guy everyday.  I think about him every single day even though my husband and I got back together.  I believe that I did love and still do love the other man, but wrong place wrong time wrong people under our circumstances we were in.  We absolutely were being totally careless and irresponsible in the worst possible way.  Not only did we hurt everyone else but we set ourselves up for the most awful heart wrenching disappointment we could've imagined.
Thank you for your advise.  I'm finding out how right everyone is!  Me and the OM got together a few days ago.  Afterwards, he got really ugly to me because he got a sudden case of guilt.  I've finally had enough.  I've seen him several times since (our kids go to the same school) but have had the will not to speak to him.  I'm still really sad and angry at him, but I know he is right.  He asked me "what if your husband finds out?  What if my wife found out?"  What made me angry is why have sex with me and then get the guilt trip?  He shouldn't be seeing me if he feels that way.  He keeps coming over to me, smiling at me etc, but I've just ignored him.  I'm really proud of myself for that, but not proud of what has happened.  I guess what I need to know now is, is it possible to get on with my life like nothing has happened.  I am very happily married no matter what anyone says.  My husband dosen't suspect a thing.   I know it was just something selfish I was doing for myself.  I think I've had that "bored housewife syndrome".  No one knows about the affair, but like you, I still think about him all the time.  Maybe as more time passes, it will get easier to be without him.   Is there other women out there who have had an affair, ended it and no one ever found out?  I hope if neither of our spouses find out, no one else has to get hurt. 
 
October 10, 2005, 7:09 am CDT

It would never work

Quote From: lutt0031

I had been seeing a married man for over seven months when his wife found out. He decided that he would work on the marriage and stay with her. They are going to marriage counseling but he has not stopped contacting me. This went on for about two months. Just recently he has decided that he really cannot continue to have contact with me if he is to really give his wife a chance. I am heartbroken. He's been married for over twenty years. God, she's had a chance to be a good wife to him. What the hell? She had to have suspected that he was messing around and did nothing. When she found out about me then she stepped it up. She all of a sudden wanted sex and now she wants to be this amazing wife. Why is it that she wants to do this after she finds out about me. I am crazy jealous right now and all I want is her to be out of the picture. I don't understand how he can be fooled by her.

Honey, your MM loves his wife.  There are always two sides to every story and I bet you haven't heard her side.  My MM was always honest with me about his wife.  I knew he loved her and I also loved my husband.  Neither of us wanted to be "found out".  Why we fooled around is still a mystery to me!  One thing I've learned is, it is very painful for everybody, especially the other woman.  I've lost alot of my self esteem and it sounds like you have too.  I hope we both can get it back.  My advise to you is to forget him, find someone who loves you, not just loves having sex with you.   

 
October 10, 2005, 8:08 am CDT

I know he loves her....

Quote From: mrs_affair

Honey, your MM loves his wife.  There are always two sides to every story and I bet you haven't heard her side.  My MM was always honest with me about his wife.  I knew he loved her and I also loved my husband.  Neither of us wanted to be "found out".  Why we fooled around is still a mystery to me!  One thing I've learned is, it is very painful for everybody, especially the other woman.  I've lost alot of my self esteem and it sounds like you have too.  I hope we both can get it back.  My advise to you is to forget him, find someone who loves you, not just loves having sex with you.   

Thanks for your response. I do not doubt that he loves her but is he in love with her. They have had two children together and a life together. There is a history there. I know he is scared to walk away. I do not doubt that he is in love with me. I'm not sure that that is enough though. His kids and wife are pulling him back in and the longer he doesn't see me the more likely it will be that he stays. The thing is that she is on best behavior for now but she'll slide back to her old ways and he'll be left feeling unimportant again. Why would he allow this to happen again?  

  

I also am left feeling very competitive. It almost feels like I lost and she won. I know I shouldn't think of it in those terms but I do and it's a horrible feeling. It makes me want to call her and tell her all the things he told me about her. Why he was with me...how much better I was than her. The bottom line is that he is home with her and not me and that just SUCKS.  

 
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