Topic : The Other Woman

I answered your post on Authentic Self also.

First of all, understand that your dreams are a reflection of what is going on within you. They are yours and yours alone. Taking into account your concerns on the other board, I would guess that you are afraid your husband does not find you sexually appealing and your dreams are filling in your fears with pictures.

Has your husband done or said anything that indicates he is unhappy with you? How long has it been since you had your baby?

 

Hi again, thanks so much for always replying, you should be my sister or bestfriend, but I barely know you, infact I have no idea who you are..but your so much help to me..you give me answers that take alot of stress of my shoulders. As to your question about my husband, he never says anything about breaking up, divorce etc... never! Only mean things is when he calls me fat and useless which is usually when he's REALLY REALLY mad. (Keep in mind that I do say the same things back) But in result of this I felt nothing but fat.. Really low and no confidence in myself. My son is now 8 months..me and my husband have been married for 3 years.. but these dreams just won't go away! you have to understand what I went through when I was dating him.. One time, my husbands sister had her 21st, my husband said he'd run up to the shops and get few things..I waited at his place, all of a sudden his ex turns up and HIS WHOLE FAMILY was sooooo happy to see her.. they kiss and hug her and welcome her into the family..as for me they never did that, I waited outside the house in the rain for him to come back and he was so mad at the way they treated me...If you would understand..it takes ALOT to try feel accepted by their family.. I can't help but feel hate for his family, even today, even though its been 3 years but I still hate them. You have to understand I went through hell, running away from home just to go help his parents, cook for them, take them places only to feel a little ACCEPTED by the family... his family never liked me...they used me and only wanted his ex because she was rich..this is why i am still hurt...I guess I'm very insecure, I get jealous easily, I hate him not being with me and I'm always thinking hes with someone else...but deep down in my heart I DEFINATELY KNOW HE'S NOT LIKE THAT..i know for a fact he loves me because hes with me 24-7 he cooks cleans works his butt off for my family, gives me and my son anything, and spends all his time with us.He's given up his boys and now hes against his family because of everything thats happened, but still..how do i get rid of these hurtful feelings and dreams?

I couldn't help but scratch my head at the "open and honest" relationship comment. I know you cared for this man deeply, and no doubt you feel safe in opening up t him and telling him things. He probably divulged things to you also that maybe no other boy or man has, so you felt that it was open and honest.  And maybe it was. Maybe you just didn't "hear" the parts where he was being noncommittal?

We sometimes gloss over or delude ourselves when it comes to things we don't want to believe. Now that you have been through this sort of thing, beware and keep your eyes and ears open to the truth. The lesson is painful and there are too many people out there only too willing to teach it to us.

First of all, I suspect that I'm old enough to be your mother, so sister is probably not a good comparison, although friend is OK.

Next, as far as his family not liking you....I feel there must be a reason you chose the other woman board to come to. Since it doesn't appear that your husband has another woman, I'm guessing that you and he met while he was married to his now ex-wife?

If this is so, it takes time, effort, and the right attitude to win over the family.

Maybe we should move back to Authentic Self as the moderator's like to keep the posts on topic. I feel that your deepest concerns pertain to your self-esteem anyway, it may be best to go there.

Ok right now it is 5am and I cannot sleep, writting this is making me cry even more. Please help me as I feel very stressed out and sad. Last night my husband admitted me something that he had kept from me for 3 whole years for this time being married to eachother. My best friend...he admitted that him and her had sex BUT BEFORE we met... his excuse is keeping it from me to not hurt me. I cannot sleep. I am very hurt and I feel like killing myself. To think back on every memory we've had together and especially when my best friend was around????? He didn't tell me anything??? I can't stop crying... This seriously hurts and I don't know what to do next. Please help.

Well i thought things was gettting better, but it seems like we can't seem eye to eye. He's still caught up on that other guy from 3 years ago, and keeps saying he's tring to figure out whats the best for me, and i just told him it wasn't up to him to deside that.  I asked him last night if he wants me to be his, and he never answered, this morning i asked him again, and he said if i'm needing an answer now and pressing him then the answer is no. That when someone pressures him into something then he just goes the oppisite way.  I'm wanting to cry and run away but i can't i'm working and have kids i can't go away. what do i do cause i can't get over him i'm so in love

 

You love him and need him way more then he loves you and/or needs you- that means there is an imbalance of power in this relationship. As long as you have more love for him, he will always hold power over you; this will never be an equal relationship. It won’t be the kind of relationship that is healthy for both of you.
When he says he has to “figure out what is best for you,” what in the world does that mean? and, why would HE have to figure that out? Also, in the meantime, while he is ‘trying to figure that out,’ he is sleeping with you…so it is as though he is saying, ‘let me have what I want, you just wait for any answers- I’ll tell you what I want to tell you, when I want to tell you, and you’ll take it.’ He knows that you will take disrespect because you ‘love’ him. Meanwhile, if you have the ‘nerve’ to press for answers, he can threaten to leave you. Again, this isn’t a healthy love! You deserve so much more- be kind to yourself.

It is totally understandable that you are this hurt. Being lied to is painful, and especially to hear this HUGE news. Did he apologize, did he truly seem to regret his actions? Or, did he seem “justified” in his actions and think that you shouldn’t make such a big deal? If he tries to minimize your reaction, please consider what is best for yourself. Love shouldn’t hurt like this; not a healthy kind of love, anyway. Three years is a really long time to be lied to. My advice to you is to seek professional help to deal with this pain, because having an unbiased, third person listen to your thoughts and feelings can be very helpful. It will help you learn how to heal and move forward, something that you really need help doing. I wish you the best, take care of YOU.

I don't want to see anyone. Please just understand. I'm so hurt and have been for the past week. I can't seem to move on no matter how hard I try. I'll tell you how it happened. I lied to him and told him that my friend admitted it to me. He lied to me for the next hour before telling me the truth. When he decided to tell me the truth he held me really tight and he cried. He wispered in my ear 'I'm sorry' Straight away I knew what the truth was. That he had slept with my bestfriend before we met. I'm not mad that it happened. I'm more sad/mad that he kept it from me for this long. He didn't act careless he was really holding me and apologising and that he really didn't want me to leave him. I've never been this sad before in my life.

He was acting like he had alot of regret for what had happened and he says that when she comes around he doesn't think about it. In the last few days he has punched me and I have spat on his face, we have been into such bad fights! I know it isn't healthy. I just don't know whether to just get over it and move on or to just leave him. He told me that he understands that I will be hurt for a quite some time, he says that he's relieved that he's finally told me, he says no matter how bad are fights and arguments are he would never leave. He says he will stick by my side and be there for me until I heal from this pain and then we can be able to move on and live life. Is he right? I find it so much harder to believe him in just about ANYTHING.