Topic : The Other Woman

He punched you? 

Has he ever gotten physical like this before?

This is a whole other issue that needs to be addressed.

Never, ever can physical contact like that be tolerated in any marriage!

 

M

No he has never gotten physical like this before. This was his first time and he prommised me he wouldn't do it ever again. I am healing slowly tho, just from trying my best to not argue and trying to do things to make us happier. I just don't know if this is the right move?

I am 60 years old, married for four years to my third husband.  My first passed away after 33 years of marriage, jumped into a brief marriage for what?, married my current husband and even though I love him I am so angry at all the pain I have been through with him.  He was "seperated" for five years prior to our meeting.  He filed for divorce and we married.  He has three boys #1 doesnt' speak to, #2 came into his business and now has it all,(husband now retired), #3 has been on drugs for 14 years, in and out of prison twice because of it .  Ex wife (there were married 30 years) still calls on a regular basis over one thing or another.  She ends all conversations with "I love you, Bob".This is my problem.  There is no need for these calls unless it's an emergency, I feel.  He doesn't tell her not to say I love you, but it hurts me and for the life of me I don't understand why this continues after fives years.  He tells me to get over it. Hummm. This is our main problem.  I am jealous of these phone calls and it is driving a huge wedge between us.  I do not speak with my short-timed ex and don't want to. Why does he feel he has to talk to her?  My husband has an anger problem and I have been the butt of these outburst.  Sometimes I can't take it and I respond with yelling and bringing up the fact that he and his EX are Exes and that there is no need to talk (120times in three months?)  He'll put her on "no ring" but why?  He stil answers her calls after a week of it. I asked him why he let's her or allows her calls, 17 so far this month, and he says he doesn't know.  I am ready to leave him and he says go, as if he could care less.  I asked him how he would like it if my ex called me?  He said I dont know. He's depressed.  His one son and wife embesseled, his second son (according to son's brother was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a gold one up his ass) this son never liked me , guessing he was afraid I was taking his inheritance, just a very selfish person, and the third son keeps being enabled by his parents and is not facing another prison time for burglery and of course this all stems from the drug use.  My advice as the outsider has never been considered by my husband.  STOP the enabling, stop giving him money,while on the pretense of working for you, giving him a truck, makes it easier to get to the drugs, paying for rehab that he did for one day before mommie bought him a bus ticket home, on and on and on...I know it must be hard to stop the enabling, but watching the show and hearing from a former addict at church, hasn't helped him at all.  I am at the end of my rope.  I have such anger for my husband and all the hell he has put me through with his anger and destroying my things taking away things because I bought it", just so many things I can't say. Not enough time.  I don't know what else to do but leave and he acts as if he could care less.  He is remorseful after words and apologizes but it seems like a repeat pattern .. I dont want to start over again. I have worked so hard at work and everywhere else. I am becoming an angry woman...so am I the other woman?  His Ex has always said, "I love you, Bob" and has told him that she wants him back, but he's married to me and even though at times there are good times, I wonder why I put up with this?  My late husband and I have raised four very great kids who are self sufficient, honest, hard working, loving parents to their children and independent.  I am so proud. Now I'm in this and I am ready emotionally to leave but don't want to.. His son #3 is on the front page of the small local city paper....I am sick at how he must feel but sick that I am in this mess...Just wanted to get this off my chest.  I pray and will be going to seek counselling again. My husband began seeing a professional as of last week but is it to help get out of the  trouble he's gotten into due to anger issues with the city?   I am in a ditch and my husband is in the other ditch. Dr Phil, what is going on?  It used to be so much fun. Now all I do is work and come home.  Yes, I check the phone bill each month and there they are....the phone calls with each other.  I'm over it most of the time...don't want to leave but want to leave at the same time.  Tired of the garbage in and out but still hoping that things will improve....am I a hopless believer in marriage? 

Please see the Marriage/abuse board and ask the ladies over there what their opinion is.  You may be surprised at the wealth of information they have on this topic.

 

You not arguing or upsetting him will not 'right' the issue, he will only gain more power and control over you. 

 

Wishing you the best.

 

 

This post isn't really in the appropriate section,but I can see that you put it here because you started off feeling like your husband's ex is the other woman in your marriage.

I'm curious, as you wrote, did you gain an understanding of what your reall poblems are?

Your husband seems to be a very passive sort of person, never taking positive action or a stand on anything. He seems to drift along, letting others take actions and avoiding any kind of controversy. His advice for you "to just get over it' is exactly what he does. If he never actually does anything, he can't be considered a bad guy and/or never does anything wrong. But things go wrong all around him anyway. One wonders what his children would be like today if he took more of a hand with them? Or his marriage? My bet would be that he would still be drifting along in separation limbo if you hadn't floated into his life and started things rolling in your directions.

He is old enough to know better, and so are you. I think you can stop feeling any sort of embarrassement or shame over this mistake though. It sounds like your first marriage was a good one, so you naturally trusted that this one would be too. My opinion is that you should "float" on out of his life (legally, on your terms) and let his ex take him back. I think they deserve each other.

Once you are free of this deadbeat you will be available to find somebody that is willing to "make" a life together, not live on the fringes in order to be "safe", but ineffectual. You are not a hopeless believer, it happened to you once so you know it's possible. You just had rose colored glasses when it came to this guy. Maybe he said all the right things? Beware next time, and good luck.

...but I happen to be married and have another woman, with your similiar attitude toward ME...in my life.  My husband started cheating on me shortly after we were separated in the midst of what I thought was "working on things".  He lied to her a LOT to get her involved with him.  So the first thing you need to realize is that unless you were around them as a couple prior to dating him and saw what their marriage was like and who did what....you shouldn't assume that his complaints about her were all truthful.  Second, I must say I am jealous of your lovers wife.  Her husband cares enough about his marriage to stop talking to you to give his marriage a real chance.  And the way YOU should feel about that is GREAT!  If he continued talking to you while he was half ass attempting to work on his marriage, you would never know if their relationship was truly over or not.  Thru their counseling, I am willing to bet that either they will work things out, or they will realize it is over.  If they don't go through that process, it is more likely that somewhere down the line, one or both will miss the other and forget where things went wrong and you will be even more hurt than you are now.  And last, but certainly not least, I can imagine you have great feelings of dislike for his wife, but keep in mind that whether you understand or not, this is HER HUSBAND we're talking about.  You have NO idea what it's like to have your husband cheat on you and want to do everything in your power to make him want you still and how much pain SHE has and is going through.  Try putting her shoes on for a minute, and you might just feel a little less sorry for yourself. 

Well its been a very long time since ive written and of course alot has happend. Im still with my husband and we are still not happy. Just like I have always said we are getting divorced but it has not happend yet.

We are actually almost out of our debt thanks to my making the arrangements with the credit card companies and doing the legwork and to mostly his money. Which he constantly reminds me of.

 

After that then I will have to be the one to file which is fine with me. Its just to waiting is wearing on me and my sanity. I really just cant wait to be free to be me again. I geuss I came here to see if any of the same people were still here and wanted to chat and ask me direct questions before I do any filling in what has been going on.

 

Hope all is well in your worlds..

TSL

I was gone for awhile, but back too.

Sometimes it takes a good long while for the decision to sink in doesn't it? It's good to hear from you again.

Don't let your husband lay a guilt trip on you about his being the major portion of money going to pay off the debt.  You and I know that any decent lawyer would have stuck it to him in a divorce plus made him pay the lawyer's fees to boot, so your husband is getting off damned lightly and he knows it.  It's little enough after all the hell he's put you through, so don't pay any attention to his whining, the big baby!

And as to the divorce, why wait?  If you're going insane, go ahead and get it over with. Debt or no debt isn't going to change it that much is it?

a smile curved my lips to see it was you who wrote me back. Its nice to know that you are there

I have changed inside. I know you cant see it but I could make it appear onto this screen..if i wanted to

be so open... I am so alive at times and at others i am a dark girl who thinks some horrid thoughts.

 

My son is amazing. He holds such power over me, us.  

My husband and  I are acting like we dont know each other. Its strange.

 

i barely breath when hes there...he renders me speechless...meanwhile my mind races....

I remember how i changed,I remembered i was afriad to cry.  all the bottled words left inside.

 

one day a man is going to come into my life and try to solve me....like a puzzle.....

I may or may not let him but I know hes in for a hell of a ride it i do.

 ciao for now

 

 

This man that I stopped seeing romantically last fall, works in the same building that I do.

This is how I am feeling right now:

When it comes to where I am emotionally, I am pretty good most days. I am still determined to avoid having conversations with him; but I still have those moments when I start thinking about him to the point where I feel a little resentment towards him, and wish that I had my time back where he never had a chance with me at all once I found out the truth.

****The truth being that he had a partner that he was supposedly leaving and that I was the one that he wanted. I was doubtful alot and very conflicted as to what I should do, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. About a year later, he told me that his partner was talking about them getting back together and that he would think about it.

He told me that he has to think about it, because if he leaves he will need to give up half of whatever he has to her. Anyway, we stopped seeing each other romantically, and speak to each other every now and again when we run into each other.****

In a conversation that we had a couple of months ago, he told me that he still loves me, he said why wouldn't I still love you? But when it came to leaving, the cost was just too high. He also told me that he is NOT a needy man, and that if a woman didn't want to be with him in a relationship; he is not the type to say, "If I can't have her, nobody will." He said that is just stupid. In other words (my interpretation), a woman has to make things easy for him as he WILL NOT fight for her. He also told me that he is a man, and if he sees a woman with a good-looking ass, he is going to take notice. What a guy, huh?

Knowing that there are men out there who will "Go Crazy" and even become violent when a woman leaves them or rejects them, that kind of behaviour he will not have any part of. So if a woman doesn't want to be in a relationship with him, so be it. He is not the type of man to let on to a woman that he needs her.

When it came to "US", he romanticized everything. He even said to me that it is amazing what you write when you are in love.

About a month ago, was the first time that I looked at the letters and the poetry in over a year; and I found it hard to believe that it was the same man who wrote them to me.

When I run into him in the building that we work in, I don't even feel comfortable around him anymore. It is like I am looking at and talking to a stranger. He will still greet me with a "Hello Beautiful" every now and again.

Can you believe that in the last letter that he wrote me, which was last year; he said that no matter what happens ( as no one knows what the future will hold ), he will always remember me as the woman that he was lucky enough to meet who taught him that love with the right person can last a lifetime.

What does this man really know about true love??

There is this part of me that regrets allowing him into my life and giving him the benefit of the doubt. And then there is this part of me that misses him a little when I see him. There are times when I think about him that I turn to junk food and could care less about working hard to lose weight.

With all of that said, I don't want him back in my life as I know that he is a no good, absolutely selfish, self-absorbed jerk. I just still have alot of mixed emotions.

****What I would like to know is if I should get rid of the letters and poetry that he wrote me? I know that he "believed" that he was in love with me at the time that he wrote them and for the many months that followed, but is there any reason why I should hold onto them? What meaning would they have now? What would you do if you were me?****

Are all of these feelings normal?

 

 

ADDED INFORMATION:

 

****I just wanted to let you know, though, that this is a man married common-law; who came into my life keeping the truth from me.  He first gave me a note in September '06 stating that he would love to get to know me if possible.  It wasn't until December '06 that I caught him a lie and got the truth out of him.

 

By that time I had feelings for him.  And with the way that he explained everything to me, I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt to prove to me that he could be sincere.

 

Although, he was always upfront about how worried he was as to how he would survive financially should he actually leave her (as he is the one with the investments, and would have to give up half of everything that he has to her); I still find he wasn't honest with me in regards to his feelings for me. In spite of everything, he still tried to convince me that I was the one he wanted to be with.  But yet, he wasn't willing to cut his losses to be with me, inspite of his declaration of his feelings for me plus the letters and poetry.

 

Although he has no problem telling me that he still loves me, in the odd conversation that we have; I still think/believe that he was trying to have his cake and eat it too for as long as he could get away with it.****

Lots of opinions would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Thanks,

 

 

KELLYANN