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Topic : The Other Woman

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

 
aurora
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October 13, 2005, 3:28 pm PDT

Thankyou for advise

Quote From: ritehere

 Imagine that your daughter were in this predicament, or if you don't have a daughter, your best friend, or your mother. What would you say to her?

Now, think about how common-law #3 sounds as your new title?

Remember Dr Phil's truism: past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, AND we teach people how to treat us. Have you asked #1 and #2 how they got into this mess and how they feel about it? Or are you just listening to what romeo is telling you?

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you know all of this already and are just posting to validate what you feel inside but are unwilling to accept. Am I right?
 I have spoken to each common-law ex. I know the situation about each of them. I posted here because I do NOT want to be common-law #3. I did want to be wife #1. I have since told him to make up his mind about what he wants. I am moving away from where I live now. I told him to let me know what his intentions were before I leave. If he is really serious about me then he can marry me. I won't settle for less. If he decides marriage is not for him then I will NOT see him anymore. You weren't harsh, either. I knew I HAD to do SOMETHING,  but was really torn and confused. Thankyou for posting a reply to me. It really helped.
 
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mls2005
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October 16, 2005, 5:45 am PDT

Look at your title, "other woman"

Quote From: lutt0031

Thanks for your response. I do not doubt that he loves her but is he in love with her. They have had two children together and a life together. There is a history there. I know he is scared to walk away. I do not doubt that he is in love with me. I'm not sure that that is enough though. His kids and wife are pulling him back in and the longer he doesn't see me the more likely it will be that he stays. The thing is that she is on best behavior for now but she'll slide back to her old ways and he'll be left feeling unimportant again. Why would he allow this to happen again?  

  

I also am left feeling very competitive. It almost feels like I lost and she won. I know I shouldn't think of it in those terms but I do and it's a horrible feeling. It makes me want to call her and tell her all the things he told me about her. Why he was with me...how much better I was than her. The bottom line is that he is home with her and not me and that just SUCKS.  

I am very disturbed by your thinking in this situation.  What right do you have as the other woman to stick your nose where it doesn't belong.  First and foremost this marriage and the things that go on in it are none of your business.  This is not a competition.  This is a real life situation where the children will wind up a heavy price for your selfishness.  Why would you even want to be with a man who lies, cheats and manipulated to be with you.  If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you!  His wife and children are pulling him back for good reason.  You make the wife out to sound selifish, but all you know is what he's told you and that may not necessarily be the truth.  She may not have been the perfect wife, but I can assure you he was probably not the perfect husband either and that may have had a big influence on her negative feelings about him and the marriage.  There again, it is not your call, you really don't know what went on in their marriage, all you know  is what he told you and that may just be a big crock of lies!  Most men will do whatever, whenever and however to "get some" and is that the position you really want to be in??  How can you even begin to build a relationship that was started under lies and cheating?
 
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lutt0031
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October 16, 2005, 4:36 pm PDT

Not sure why you're upset...

Quote From: mls2005

I am very disturbed by your thinking in this situation.  What right do you have as the other woman to stick your nose where it doesn't belong.  First and foremost this marriage and the things that go on in it are none of your business.  This is not a competition.  This is a real life situation where the children will wind up a heavy price for your selfishness.  Why would you even want to be with a man who lies, cheats and manipulated to be with you.  If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you!  His wife and children are pulling him back for good reason.  You make the wife out to sound selifish, but all you know is what he's told you and that may not necessarily be the truth.  She may not have been the perfect wife, but I can assure you he was probably not the perfect husband either and that may have had a big influence on her negative feelings about him and the marriage.  There again, it is not your call, you really don't know what went on in their marriage, all you know  is what he told you and that may just be a big crock of lies!  Most men will do whatever, whenever and however to "get some" and is that the position you really want to be in??  How can you even begin to build a relationship that was started under lies and cheating?

First of all, I did not put my nose where it didn't belong. He put his nose where he shouldn't have been. This is not my problem. I was led to believe that his marriage was over and he was half way out the door. I do not feel badly for this woman. If half of what he told me is true then she's lucky she kept any man for as long as she did. I honestly do not feel sorry for her. I hate her, truly. She is the reason I am not with him. She is using her children to keep a man that she knows does not want to be with her. She has threatened that she will tell the kids all the affair details if he doesn't stay with her. How pathetic is that?  

  

I also don't buy into the mentality that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think that people make mistakes and sometimes marry the wrong person. I am confident that I would last with him. I do not think he would cheat on me. The problem with his marriage is that she wouldn't stop shopping long enough to give him any attention. She gets what she deserves. If there was a way I could break them up quicker, I would. His marriage is doomed. There is no way this woman is getting over his affair with me. She is already busting his chops at every turn. This will not improve.  
 
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a_n_other
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October 16, 2005, 6:38 pm PDT

Half way out the door

Quote From: lutt0031

First of all, I did not put my nose where it didn't belong. He put his nose where he shouldn't have been. This is not my problem. I was led to believe that his marriage was over and he was half way out the door. I do not feel badly for this woman. If half of what he told me is true then she's lucky she kept any man for as long as she did. I honestly do not feel sorry for her. I hate her, truly. She is the reason I am not with him. She is using her children to keep a man that she knows does not want to be with her. She has threatened that she will tell the kids all the affair details if he doesn't stay with her. How pathetic is that?  

  

I also don't buy into the mentality that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think that people make mistakes and sometimes marry the wrong person. I am confident that I would last with him. I do not think he would cheat on me. The problem with his marriage is that she wouldn't stop shopping long enough to give him any attention. She gets what she deserves. If there was a way I could break them up quicker, I would. His marriage is doomed. There is no way this woman is getting over his affair with me. She is already busting his chops at every turn. This will not improve.  

You jumped into bed with a man who wasn't ready to leave his marriage.  He may be one day but in the meantime his wife is not to blame for your misery. 
 
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lutt0031
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October 16, 2005, 9:48 pm PDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: a_n_other

You jumped into bed with a man who wasn't ready to leave his marriage.  He may be one day but in the meantime his wife is not to blame for your misery. 

You are way off on this one. His wife is very much to blame for this situation. He has been asking her to go to marriage counseling for years and she refused to go. He told her all the things that needed to change in the relationship and she made no attemtp to change. Not that he's had the affair all of a sudden she has no accountability. Give me a break. There are two people in a marriage and two people destroy it. He is trying to get out of the marriage with the least amount of pain for the children but she is making it worse by dragging them in. She doesn't want to be with him, she just doesn't want me to be with him. She's more afraid that her loser friends will see her husband leaving her for a younger, better looking and more accomplished woman.
 
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a_n_other
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October 17, 2005, 3:11 am PDT

A refusal to attend counselling.....

Quote From: lutt0031

You are way off on this one. His wife is very much to blame for this situation. He has been asking her to go to marriage counseling for years and she refused to go. He told her all the things that needed to change in the relationship and she made no attemtp to change. Not that he's had the affair all of a sudden she has no accountability. Give me a break. There are two people in a marriage and two people destroy it. He is trying to get out of the marriage with the least amount of pain for the children but she is making it worse by dragging them in. She doesn't want to be with him, she just doesn't want me to be with him. She's more afraid that her loser friends will see her husband leaving her for a younger, better looking and more accomplished woman.

OK they have problems.  She won't do as he wants or says.  Rather than just leave he has an affair.  She finds out and tells him to come back.  He does as he's told because he hasn't the courage to walk and defy her. 

  

That still makes you and he responsible for your misery.   She has no responsibility for your feelings.  Why should she?  You've made it abundantly clear you don't like her and it's hubby who ****ed and left you.  

  

Getting down to brass tacks: how do you feel about alimony, child support, visitation and dealing with the ex-wife until the children leave college unless you and he do a runner? 
 
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lutt0031
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October 17, 2005, 3:00 pm PDT

I Beg to Differ

Quote From: a_n_other

You jumped into bed with a man who wasn't ready to leave his marriage.  He may be one day but in the meantime his wife is not to blame for your misery. 

I do hold her responsible for my unhappiness at this point. She is only asking him to stay so he won't be with me. In between her ball busting and blackmailing using the children she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me around "her" children ever. He is their father afterall. It's not like it was an immaculate conception. I accept responsibility for being duped into this as I was led to believe that he was leaving. I should have seen the writing on the wall but the bottom line is this woman will do ANYTHING to keep him from me. If she wanted him so bad she had 20+ years to do something about it.  I have no regrets except that for him, that he married such a nutjob.
 
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lutt0031
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October 17, 2005, 3:03 pm PDT

I Have No Problem with That

Quote From: a_n_other

OK they have problems.  She won't do as he wants or says.  Rather than just leave he has an affair.  She finds out and tells him to come back.  He does as he's told because he hasn't the courage to walk and defy her. 

  

That still makes you and he responsible for your misery.   She has no responsibility for your feelings.  Why should she?  You've made it abundantly clear you don't like her and it's hubby who ****ed and left you.  

  

Getting down to brass tacks: how do you feel about alimony, child support, visitation and dealing with the ex-wife until the children leave college unless you and he do a runner? 

You know I have no problem with his responsibility to his children or to her. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. The problem I have is with a woman who claims to be a good mother and uses her children to hurt her spouse. That is not a good mother...it is a desperate woman who just wants to ruin her husband's life in retaliation for his infidelity. I understand why she's upset but don't spend the rest of your life crucifying him. If you hate him, let him go and go find happiness elsewhere. How do you benefit anyone by being a bitter hateful person?
 
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mls2005
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October 18, 2005, 3:52 am PDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: lutt0031

You know I have no problem with his responsibility to his children or to her. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. The problem I have is with a woman who claims to be a good mother and uses her children to hurt her spouse. That is not a good mother...it is a desperate woman who just wants to ruin her husband's life in retaliation for his infidelity. I understand why she's upset but don't spend the rest of your life crucifying him. If you hate him, let him go and go find happiness elsewhere. How do you benefit anyone by being a bitter hateful person?
Bottom line here, no matter how you feel about her, you still have no right to be interfering in this relationship.  They are still married.  And, afterall, we've only heard you rant and rave and attack her character, there are two sides to every story and I would love to hear her side. 
 
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rebeccwi
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October 18, 2005, 8:22 am PDT

Getting married on Sat

I am getting married on Saturday.  It will be a 2nd marriage for him, but 3rd for me.   The problem I am experiencing is that he and his family keeps up with his ex-wife and it bothers me.  They do not have any children and don't talk directly with each other.  Occasional emails that completed the divorce agreements.  She initiated the divorce and moved across the country - that was 5 years ago.  However he has kept up with her and tells me about any 'new' news that is passed along by his family.  He has stated that because she was a part of this life for 10 years that he is interested in her and what she is doing with her life.  I don't understand this and it really hurts.  Several of his family members let him know that she is getting married this weekend and so are we and now it's a big discussion on how odd it is that they are getting married on the same weekend.  Am I wrong to want him to let it go.  He states that by me asking that - that I am asking him to forget his past, but I am asking for him to let go of her present and future.  I did have issues in the past hearing about them and their life together, but it was only because he said that if she came into town he would want to meet her for dinner - just to catch up and see what was going on with her.      I have children from my 1st marriage - and we both communicate with their father.  However, my second marriage is not a subject.  I do not have any communication with him.  My family does not ask about him nor do I seek any information.  Am I expecting too much?  Am I wrong to feel this way.  I just don't understand why he feels it is necessary for him to keep up with her.
 
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