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Topic : The Other Woman

Number of Replies: 2963
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:04:06 pm
Author : dataimport
If you've been the other woman, find support here. General talk and debate about infidelity can be found in our Infidelity discussion.

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October 18, 2005, 3:11 pm CDT

better believe it

Quote From: jspot2005

Finally someone who has the courage to stand up for the moral fiber of family.  I am a wife and at the present time there is another woman in my marriage.  Granted my husband made his decision however he did not make it alone.  Women who feel they have no obligation to another womans marraige is one lying to herself and to that man.  Both are for what is within their best interst, at that time therefore to make a comment that "I have no obligations to her" is insane.  Maybe you don't but its obvious you want intimacy, love, and commitment so why settle for her marriage instead of possibly waiting for your own?  Sure no strings attached appears to be fun however time brings about a change and both will reap what they sew.  It is natural for a wife to fight for her family whether it be physical or otherwise.  The most effective is through scripture but how many of us have that kind of patience?  Being a wife is both rewarding and hard work and quite frankly I don't intend to fight sitting down, however those of you who  enjoy being the other woman need to take a hard look at reality and see the big picture.  You all assist that man in destroying his family only to say I had nothing to do with it.  This is real life, real souls,  with very real consequences. Think about it.

The cheater is ALWAYS to blame.  AND the other woman\man involved in this always seem to blame to innocent wife \ husband at home.  That is something I don't understand.  Of course the cheating spouse is not going to tell you how much they love their spouse and how precious they are, nope they are going to tell you what you want to hear.  How it's ALL their fault for the failure of the marriage.  But the person who falls for the B.S. is not seeing the big picture at all.  WHO wants to be with someone that doesn't have respect for his or her own family and likes to blame it on the innocent one.  If the marriage is not working, get OUT and then proceed.  Not the other way around.  

  

I am sorry to hear that you are in the mist of a troubled marriage.  But DO something about it! Don't sit back and let someone rob you from your life.  Life is too short to wait for someone to change!  

 
October 18, 2005, 5:10 pm CDT

Still don't agree

Quote From: jspot2005

Finally someone who has the courage to stand up for the moral fiber of family.  I am a wife and at the present time there is another woman in my marriage.  Granted my husband made his decision however he did not make it alone.  Women who feel they have no obligation to another womans marraige is one lying to herself and to that man.  Both are for what is within their best interst, at that time therefore to make a comment that "I have no obligations to her" is insane.  Maybe you don't but its obvious you want intimacy, love, and commitment so why settle for her marriage instead of possibly waiting for your own?  Sure no strings attached appears to be fun however time brings about a change and both will reap what they sew.  It is natural for a wife to fight for her family whether it be physical or otherwise.  The most effective is through scripture but how many of us have that kind of patience?  Being a wife is both rewarding and hard work and quite frankly I don't intend to fight sitting down, however those of you who  enjoy being the other woman need to take a hard look at reality and see the big picture.  You all assist that man in destroying his family only to say I had nothing to do with it.  This is real life, real souls,  with very real consequences. Think about it.
I am the other woman who posted and said that I have no obligation to her. I stand by what I said and here's why. When I met this man he told me that he was marriage was ending. The two of them were "together" for the children. He led me to believe that his wife had no interest in him either mentally or physically. This was entirely evident to me because he spent a lot of time with me either in person or on the phone. She does not work and the kids are in their late teens...they do not need a nanny. She shopped all day and bitched at him constantly. He let me listen to a few of the phone messages she left him. I've even heard the two of them speak on the telephone. She's horrible. I would NEVER allow another person to speak to me the way she did to him. While I realize that he should have ENDED the marriage before seeing me, I agree, but that's not reality. People stay together for all kinds of reasons. I do love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. Where was this woman when he spent all this time with me? Why did she not bother to inquire where he was or who he was speaking to for hours on end? Why did she wait until she found out about me to get a reality check? Why am I the "wake up call"? This is total BS. I understand that people take each other for granted but don't sit around and do nothing to work on your marriage and then play the victim. Yes, he cheated and he is wrong but it takes two people to make a bad marriage. He may have went out and cheated but she negelcted him.
 
October 18, 2005, 5:14 pm CDT

No Loyalty to Her

Quote From: latingirl

You are 100% correct in SOME on your comments.  He is too blame for his lack of respect for his family and his wife.  He choose to believe that the grass could be greener (most of the time, it's not!) and he is the one that took the vows.  But you as a human being also should have morals and you dare sit here and say you have no problem with what you did and no regrets.  Well I would have a reality check here Miss, because if the tables were turned....you would be smacked in the face with hard core reality.  He is the unfaithful one...YES BUT you too know it was wrong to be with a married man who has a family and children and having no regrets does say a lot about your character.  She does have every right to hate you and hate him, she wants her family back.  But if she only knew, he is better off with you than with her.  Because you two apparently have the same morals.  I am not saying everyone is perfect, NO WAY.  But you too need to take responsiblty in part of this as well.  Not for breaking up the marriage, because that was his doing but for the lack of respect for another person's feelings.  

I do not believe this is a "human" issue. This man chose to spend time with me. He decided everytime he came to me that I was who he wanted to be, not her. He is the one who should have thought of her and his children. Don't put the burden on me as this is what is wrong with women, in general. We tear each other down. A guy who cheats is referred to as "boys being boys" and "oh, he's a dog". Women who cheat are homewreckers and whores...this is such a double standard. Dr. Phil says I have no business being in on another woman's turf. The fact remains that I am not stealing anyone. You cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life.
 
October 19, 2005, 8:12 am CDT

morals?

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not believe this is a "human" issue. This man chose to spend time with me. He decided everytime he came to me that I was who he wanted to be, not her. He is the one who should have thought of her and his children. Don't put the burden on me as this is what is wrong with women, in general. We tear each other down. A guy who cheats is referred to as "boys being boys" and "oh, he's a dog". Women who cheat are homewreckers and whores...this is such a double standard. Dr. Phil says I have no business being in on another woman's turf. The fact remains that I am not stealing anyone. You cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life.

I do agree with you, men are always looked at as boys being boys.  But it's us women that let them think this way.  I WOULD never think of you or someone in your position as a whore or homewrecker, it's the cheater that is the whore and homewrecker!  That burden is NOT on you.  But like I said.  We do make choices and you choice to be with a married man.  Yeah I see he lied to you about where his marriage really was.  But until you are in this position, you can't speak for his wife or her husband because you only know him as your mistery man but not as the one that came home to his family.  I know people stay together for the kids sake, I too am divorced with children and we talked about that as well.  But it doesn't work and we all know it.  The kids need parents but they don't have to live in the same household to still be a good parent.  She may have taken it all for granted but he still was the wrong person in all of this.  And the only reason I seem to come down on you is because you sit here and say you have no regrets.  But if you knew about all this before, wouldn't you have changed it from the beginning.  If he wanted to leave, he would!  No doubt.  She can't force him to stay.  Nobody can force you to do anything....so if he really truly wanted to out of this marriage, he would be.  And in regards to your wrong doing.  SInce you didn't know about the truth to begin with, I can see how you are not wrong either.  BUT you do know and you still sit here and blame her for it all and how she treats him.  Well I guess she pushed him away into your arms, but that doesn't mean she deserved to be betrayed and lied to.  What type of man are talking about, you are acting like he is worth all of this.   

 
October 19, 2005, 10:40 am CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: latingirl

I do agree with you, men are always looked at as boys being boys.  But it's us women that let them think this way.  I WOULD never think of you or someone in your position as a whore or homewrecker, it's the cheater that is the whore and homewrecker!  That burden is NOT on you.  But like I said.  We do make choices and you choice to be with a married man.  Yeah I see he lied to you about where his marriage really was.  But until you are in this position, you can't speak for his wife or her husband because you only know him as your mistery man but not as the one that came home to his family.  I know people stay together for the kids sake, I too am divorced with children and we talked about that as well.  But it doesn't work and we all know it.  The kids need parents but they don't have to live in the same household to still be a good parent.  She may have taken it all for granted but he still was the wrong person in all of this.  And the only reason I seem to come down on you is because you sit here and say you have no regrets.  But if you knew about all this before, wouldn't you have changed it from the beginning.  If he wanted to leave, he would!  No doubt.  She can't force him to stay.  Nobody can force you to do anything....so if he really truly wanted to out of this marriage, he would be.  And in regards to your wrong doing.  SInce you didn't know about the truth to begin with, I can see how you are not wrong either.  BUT you do know and you still sit here and blame her for it all and how she treats him.  Well I guess she pushed him away into your arms, but that doesn't mean she deserved to be betrayed and lied to.  What type of man are talking about, you are acting like he is worth all of this.   

I think he was lonely and befriended me. Neither one of us planned on it getting this intimate. We certainly didn't think we'd fall in love. I think he was in some kind of coma or something because he just thought it would all work out. He was not planning on his wife not throwing him out. She seemed like she didn't want him either. I hate the idea that I may have brought them together. Do you know how much that sucks? I love him for many reasons. I don't like that he cheated on her. I do feel bad that HE betrayed her but I still do not believe that I should have thought of her for one second. If he called me today I'd be there for him. I am still in the very hurt stage where he still has power over me. I am hoping that each day I'll get stronger and hold him more accountable for all these. I am angry at her for many reasons, (1) she still wants him. I would never tolerate this level of betrayal and yes, I know, I'll be told that if he does it with me, he'll do it to me but I don't buy into once a cheater, always a cheater. I do think there are always special circumstances where people make bad decisions, (2) Why didn't she acknowledge the fact that for 7 to 8 months he was gone. I mean gone in every sense of the word. He was traveling to see me and when he was home he was speaking to me on the phone or e-mailing me. She never asked once why he was so distant. She just let his paychecks keep rolling in and went shopping. She has a nanny, a housekeeper and doesn't work outside the home. i'm not sure what this woman does that takes so much time away from paying attenion to him.
 
October 19, 2005, 11:49 am CDT

You sum it up yourself...

Quote From: lutt0031

I do hold her responsible for my unhappiness at this point. She is only asking him to stay so he won't be with me. In between her ball busting and blackmailing using the children she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me around "her" children ever. He is their father afterall. It's not like it was an immaculate conception. I accept responsibility for being duped into this as I was led to believe that he was leaving. I should have seen the writing on the wall but the bottom line is this woman will do ANYTHING to keep him from me. If she wanted him so bad she had 20+ years to do something about it.  I have no regrets except that for him, that he married such a nutjob.
I think what a n other and mls2005 were trying to point out is right here in your own post. They were trying to get you to realize that your lover's wife is NOT the one responsible for your misery. You and she are locked into this "duel" where you bad-mouth and try to hurt each other.

You said it all when you wrote "I accept responsibility for being duped into this as I was led to believe that he was leaving." Did his wife tell you he was leaving her? NO. HE told you that. You have accepted your role in your misery, but what about your lover? You seem to think he is some kind of victim here, and bears no responsibility  in any of this. Step outside of your situation and look at it objectively. He is the one who is in a prior committed relationship. He told you that he was leaving her, but never did. And still hasn't, even after the wife found out about you. What would he need to tell you to keep you hanging in there? Hasn't he been doing exactly that?
 
October 19, 2005, 12:02 pm CDT

You said it again...

Quote From: lutt0031

I do not believe this is a "human" issue. This man chose to spend time with me. He decided everytime he came to me that I was who he wanted to be, not her. He is the one who should have thought of her and his children. Don't put the burden on me as this is what is wrong with women, in general. We tear each other down. A guy who cheats is referred to as "boys being boys" and "oh, he's a dog". Women who cheat are homewreckers and whores...this is such a double standard. Dr. Phil says I have no business being in on another woman's turf. The fact remains that I am not stealing anyone. You cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life.
 Sometimes the truisms we write are the truisms we need to hear. You said, "you cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life."

Obviously, his life is not horrible enough to want to end it and start fresh with you. You are the architect of your own misery until you realize that this guy is NOT going to do one thing he says he is. He just keeps you hanging on with his pity party. Think about this awhile. Knowing what you do about him and his marriage, do you really want that for yourself? Do you really want someone whose only resort in solving problems is to get someone else to pity him? You deserve more than this milktoast and his drama queen wife. They deserve each other.
 
October 19, 2005, 12:18 pm CDT

her

Quote From: lutt0031

I think he was lonely and befriended me. Neither one of us planned on it getting this intimate. We certainly didn't think we'd fall in love. I think he was in some kind of coma or something because he just thought it would all work out. He was not planning on his wife not throwing him out. She seemed like she didn't want him either. I hate the idea that I may have brought them together. Do you know how much that sucks? I love him for many reasons. I don't like that he cheated on her. I do feel bad that HE betrayed her but I still do not believe that I should have thought of her for one second. If he called me today I'd be there for him. I am still in the very hurt stage where he still has power over me. I am hoping that each day I'll get stronger and hold him more accountable for all these. I am angry at her for many reasons, (1) she still wants him. I would never tolerate this level of betrayal and yes, I know, I'll be told that if he does it with me, he'll do it to me but I don't buy into once a cheater, always a cheater. I do think there are always special circumstances where people make bad decisions, (2) Why didn't she acknowledge the fact that for 7 to 8 months he was gone. I mean gone in every sense of the word. He was traveling to see me and when he was home he was speaking to me on the phone or e-mailing me. She never asked once why he was so distant. She just let his paychecks keep rolling in and went shopping. She has a nanny, a housekeeper and doesn't work outside the home. i'm not sure what this woman does that takes so much time away from paying attenion to him.

You seem to keep bringing up her faults in this.  You dont know who it truly is in that house.  Either way, he is putting up with it.  He is not leaving, he made his choice and I am sure it sucks for you.  He has played everyone against each other, dont you see that.  Of course he never said anything nice about her.  Therefore you know her faults and only her faults.  Don't talk about someone you don't know, it's not fair.  His behavior is sick and unforgiveable.  I would have kicked him to the curb by now.  But she is naive enough to think that just because he is there, he is there for her.  Apparently he is not sure what he wants in life and can't stand up for anything.  You, her, kids, marriage, happiness?  So why talk yourself into staying in love with someone like this, when you should distance yourself from the man you thought you knew and realize who he really is.   

 
October 19, 2005, 12:29 pm CDT

I have spoken with this woman...

Quote From: latingirl

You seem to keep bringing up her faults in this.  You dont know who it truly is in that house.  Either way, he is putting up with it.  He is not leaving, he made his choice and I am sure it sucks for you.  He has played everyone against each other, dont you see that.  Of course he never said anything nice about her.  Therefore you know her faults and only her faults.  Don't talk about someone you don't know, it's not fair.  His behavior is sick and unforgiveable.  I would have kicked him to the curb by now.  But she is naive enough to think that just because he is there, he is there for her.  Apparently he is not sure what he wants in life and can't stand up for anything.  You, her, kids, marriage, happiness?  So why talk yourself into staying in love with someone like this, when you should distance yourself from the man you thought you knew and realize who he really is.   

I have spoken to this woman and she is the first person to tell you that she tolerates him. She has even told me that she raised those kids in spite of him...please, the nanny raised those kids. He will leave...so don't tell me that he won't, he will. You know part of me feels like he should be alone. I'd be happier if he wasn't with her at all. She is a spiteful witch and I hate her. I know many of the things I know not just from him but people who know her. She is not the woman he married. You are right that she thinks he's there for her and it kills me. I HATE IT. I cannot even tell you how mad this situation has made me. As long as she feels he's not with me, she wins. Well, the joke is on her because she is in a loveless marriage. I do not believe that he is with her for any other reason than because it's comfortable. I am not talking myself into loving him. I do love him. He has said nice things about her but there were very few things.
 
October 19, 2005, 12:42 pm CDT

He's not a victim

Quote From: ritehere

I think what a n other and mls2005 were trying to point out is right here in your own post. They were trying to get you to realize that your lover's wife is NOT the one responsible for your misery. You and she are locked into this "duel" where you bad-mouth and try to hurt each other.

You said it all when you wrote "I accept responsibility for being duped into this as I was led to believe that he was leaving." Did his wife tell you he was leaving her? NO. HE told you that. You have accepted your role in your misery, but what about your lover? You seem to think he is some kind of victim here, and bears no responsibility  in any of this. Step outside of your situation and look at it objectively. He is the one who is in a prior committed relationship. He told you that he was leaving her, but never did. And still hasn't, even after the wife found out about you. What would he need to tell you to keep you hanging in there? Hasn't he been doing exactly that?
I do not think he is a victim, at all. I know he is to blame for this. The point I was trying to make is that everytime you hear about infidelity the wife is the victim. That is not always the case. Many times women look the other way for a variety of reasons, either they don't want to alter their lifestle financially, or they don't want to have sex and are happy they don't have to give it up. The point is that many of the wives know there is trouble and DO NOTHING. It's more fun to be victimized and call their girlfiends and boohoo to them how they are taken for granted. Lack of action is just as bad as action . To neglect someone and ignore their needs is just as bad as acting out with another person. They are both at fault and each of them are accountable for their action or inaction. My feeling is that I was duped but I do not feel that he intentionally went into a relationship with me to hurt me. I think he realized that his wife held more of the cards than he thought. He also didn't count on the kids telling him that unless he stayed with their mother they'd never to speak to him again. She is playing this up something fierce, too. She has the power to tell the kids that the problem is between them but she has chosen to tell him that if he doesn't stay she'll tell the kids the affair details. Right now they only think he's befriended another woman. They do not know about the sex and the length of the relationship. This is the reason why I abhor this woman. I don't care how hurt you are...don't drag your children into it.
 
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