Topic : True Love

This is the first time I post a message here so please forgive for writing too much.  I'm in a very desperate situation and I don't know what to do.  We have marriaged over a year and I recently lost my newborn son due to his sickness when he was inside my stomach.  We cremated him because my husband wanted to move out of state and I did not want to burry him at a place where I can't come to visit in a regular basis.  My husband agreed with my decision but got upset that it was not what he really wanted because he wanted to burry him next to his dad. 

Anyway, he proposed to me that from now on he wants to be the one who ultimately makes the final decision in all the big decisions.  I don't want to say "yes" because I believe we should both make the decision if it involves family and kids.  I love him a lot and I used to give in and let he takes control in the past and told him he could make all the decisions.  However, after the lost of our son, I have matured and I told him I want to be honest with him that I can't promise him that.  I told him I will try my best to sacrifice and let him make all the decisions if I can accommodate it but if he wants me to promise to submit to him 100%, I know I can't.  I explained to him that this is not possible regardless how much I love him.  My husband told me that this is not what he wants to have in a wife so he wanted us to get DIVORCE.  I love my husband and I want to be with him. He is a good husband who takes care of the family, provide for us, and even cooks very well.  He is however stubborn and  would not change his mind or go to marriage counselor. Also, he believes the husband has to be the one who in charge of the family and so he is serious about being the ultimate decision maker.  He loves his mom a lot and this is also partly her belief that has been implanted on him so he will not change it.  He told me he will consider my ideas if we disagree on something but he still gets to make the final call no matter what.  But I can not say "yes" because I know ten or 20 years down the road there maybe a time which I can't always say yes to his decision and I don't want him to think that I don't keep my promise. 

I'm so sad right now because our son just passed away less than three weeks ago.  I feel sad because I think if he loves me he would not propose this and put a condition on our relationship.  I love my husband very much and I want to be with him.  I'm so confused.  I'm so sad and depressed over the whole thing. I'm living with my family right now an hour fly away from my husband because initially I was going to have my baby here and get help from my family to take care of him.  I'm still recovering from the C-section.  Without my family support, I would have done crazy things or suicide. My family said he is a controlling man the way he acts but they told me whatever I decide, they will still love me.  This is our first marriage and my husband although 35 now has never had a serious relationship or dated much before marrying me.  I did dated but just like my husband, we are both new to relationship when we met each other so I did not know what I was looking for in a man. 

Can someone please help me to see it clear?  My husband said all he wanted is a wife who will submit to him and that he still loves me.  But he said if I did not let him be the ultimate decision maker in the future, he wants me to sign the divorce paper. How can I make him understand that a husband and wife should have equal right sand saying in a family's decision?  Should I stay in the marriage no matter what?   Will I be happy staying in the marriage with a man who wants to control?  How do I know I will not regret with my decision in the future (either say yes to stay with him or he will divorce me)? Is there any alternative?  I don't want to get a divorce for something like this... Thank you for reading.  Please help. 

I am 32 and married with 3 kids.  My 3 kids are not from my husband.  My husband and I met in high school and have been forever friends.  (We went to Elementary school and up together too and lived only a few miles from one another).  Whenever one of us needed to talk, we called the other.  We partied together in our younger days, we talked about people we were dating (or in his case, sleeping with or wanting to sleep with), but most importantly - we were always there for eachother - I could talk to anytime I needed him.  We grew closer after my husband and I separated and later divorced.  We talked every day for hours.  It was wonderful.  He was 3 states away at the time and he came back for a visit (his family still lives here).  We got close near the end of his trip but we were not involved sexually.  A few weeks later, we went to visit him after he returned to the state he was living.  We had a wonderful time.  We decided to take our being best friends to the next level and get married.  What could be better than marrying your best friend? 

He has (and many others) have told me that he has been in love with me for 17+ years.   He has always hinted around about being together, but made it out more like a joke than being staightforward about his feelings.  He has since explained that he was intimidated and afraid of rejection.  I kind of knew but what I didn't know was how serious he was.

Before me, my husband had never ever had a girlfriend for more than a month or two.  EVER!!  He chose to be single and live the life, partying and having one night stands.  He told everyone that there would only be one woman he would settle down with and get married to (me).  He kept true on that.  Settling down never entered his mind unless it was with me. 

The problem now is this....because he's never been in a serios relationship, he doesn't know how to act and what the right things to do or not do are.  He claims he loves me and has for all of these years, and I love him too.  I am amazed at how our friendship has evolved.  He holds so much of my heart.  We break up about once a month, every month.  He moves out (at either his or my instigation).  We can't seem to keep it together and I have kids that are affected by this and need stability.  He thinks when he gets hurt or mad he can tell me that it's over whenever he wants (something I used to do and have tried very hard to overcome).  Now he makes assumptions that I am saying it's over without really saying it. So he made his latest decision to leave based on that, but he was wrong.  It was Thanksgiving night.  He left us on the holiday and when he learned he assumed incorrectly (the next day when he came home from his sisters) he wanted to say he was sorry and make up.  I was (am) terribly hurt that he could leave us (completely alone) on Thanksgiving night.  I had his stuff packed up the next morning and he came and moved out.  He has since made VERY little effort.  He came by once to "talk" and has called a few times.  I have been fielding the calls and due to that, we are not speaking. 

I feel that I cannot go on like this.  He has to figure out that he cannot behave like this.  He can't just leave (overnight) whenever he wants.  I am to the point now where I don't think we should be together but in doing so, I am losing my husband and my best friend.  The one I can always turn to in hard times.  I feel very empty and alone and I feel like he doesn't care.  Every other time we have made up he says it was the most lonely he ever felt in his life and he cried at night everynight.  I know we are both hurting, but I feel that it is me that hurts more.  I don't know that he even knows what it means to love someone, he says he does but his actions speak a different language.  I have told him that it's over and that we're getting divorced, he says he doesn't want that, but he cannot come and go as he pleases.  Marriages just don't work like that. 

I am sensitive to his lack of experience but you can only use it as a crutch for so long.  He knew what he was signing on for when he proposed.  Maybe not completely, but he knew I was a package deal.  He has watched my kids grow up from a distance and has loved them, and they love him.  He didn't just walk out on me, he left them too but I'm not sure that he understands the impact that it has on them. 

I have wanted for us to be a family, to feel united, but it hasn't been happening.  It feels like a lot of the time that it's him on one side and the girls and I on another.  I haven't felt whole and complete yet, as one.  In addition to being single all of his life, everything is just a big joke to him.  I know he does this so he doesn't have to deal with his real feelings but it's really annoying.  There IS a difference between being happy spirited and thinking everything is a cartoon.  We have also had issues of deceit and dishonesty.  Over fairly small issues, but a lie is a lie no matter how big or small.

I just don't know what to do at this point and I feel like he doesn't fight for this relationship that he says he wants so bad.  I feel like I should walk away but am having a hard time letting go.  I have my boundaries and am steadfast in some of them.  Like, you CAN'T just alk out on someone and expect to make up and have it not be over the next day.  I'm just hurting.  Heck, I'm down right depressed.  I am finding it hard to get out of bed everyday.  I don't know how to let this play out. 

I am 32 and married with 3 kids.  My 3 kids are not from my husband.  My husband and I met in high school and have been forever friends.  (We went to Elementary school and up together too and lived only a few miles from one another).  Whenever one of us needed to talk, we called the other.  We partied together in our younger days, we talked about people we were dating (or in his case, sleeping with or wanting to sleep with), but most importantly - we were always there for eachother - I could talk to anytime I needed him.  We grew closer after my husband and I separated and later divorced.  We talked every day for hours.  It was wonderful.  He was 3 states away at the time and he came back for a visit (his family still lives here).  We got close near the end of his trip but we were not involved sexually.  A few weeks later, we went to visit him after he returned to the state he was living.  We had a wonderful time.  We decided to take our being best friends to the next level and get married.  What could be better than marrying your best friend? 

He has (and many others) have told me that he has been in love with me for 17+ years.   He has always hinted around about being together, but made it out more like a joke than being staightforward about his feelings.  He has since explained that he was intimidated and afraid of rejection.  I kind of knew but what I didn't know was how serious he was.

Before me, my husband had never ever had a girlfriend for more than a month or two.  EVER!!  He chose to be single and live the life, partying and having one night stands.  He told everyone that there would only be one woman he would settle down with and get married to (me).  He kept true on that.  Settling down never entered his mind unless it was with me. 

The problem now is this....because he's never been in a serios relationship, he doesn't know how to act and what the right things to do or not do are.  He claims he loves me and has for all of these years, and I love him too.  I am amazed at how our friendship has evolved.  He holds so much of my heart.  We break up about once a month, every month.  He moves out (at either his or my instigation).  We can't seem to keep it together and I have kids that are affected by this and need stability.  He thinks when he gets hurt or mad he can tell me that it's over whenever he wants (something I used to do and have tried very hard to overcome).  Now he makes assumptions that I am saying it's over without really saying it. So he made his latest decision to leave based on that, but he was wrong.  It was Thanksgiving night.  He left us on the holiday and when he learned he assumed incorrectly (the next day when he came home from his sisters) he wanted to say he was sorry and make up.  I was (am) terribly hurt that he could leave us (completely alone) on Thanksgiving night.  I had his stuff packed up the next morning and he came and moved out.  He has since made VERY little effort.  He came by once to "talk" and has called a few times.  I have been fielding the calls and due to that, we are not speaking. 

I feel that I cannot go on like this.  He has to figure out that he cannot behave like this.  He can't just leave (overnight) whenever he wants.  I am to the point now where I don't think we should be together but in doing so, I am losing my husband and my best friend.  The one I can always turn to in hard times.  I feel very empty and alone and I feel like he doesn't care.  Every other time we have made up he says it was the most lonely he ever felt in his life and he cried at night everynight.  I know we are both hurting, but I feel that it is me that hurts more.  I don't know that he even knows what it means to love someone, he says he does but his actions speak a different language.  I have told him that it's over and that we're getting divorced, he says he doesn't want that, but he cannot come and go as he pleases.  Marriages just don't work like that. 

I am sensitive to his lack of experience but you can only use it as a crutch for so long.  He knew what he was signing on for when he proposed.  Maybe not completely, but he knew I was a package deal.  He has watched my kids grow up from a distance and has loved them, and they love him.  He didn't just walk out on me, he left them too but I'm not sure that he understands the impact that it has on them. 

I have wanted for us to be a family, to feel united, but it hasn't been happening.  It feels like a lot of the time that it's him on one side and the girls and I on another.  I haven't felt whole and complete yet, as one.  In addition to being single all of his life, everything is just a big joke to him.  I know he does this so he doesn't have to deal with his real feelings but it's really annoying.  There IS a difference between being happy spirited and thinking everything is a cartoon.  We have also had issues of deceit and dishonesty.  Over fairly small issues, but a lie is a lie no matter how big or small.

I just don't know what to do at this point and I feel like he doesn't fight for this relationship that he says he wants so bad.  I feel like I should walk away but am having a hard time letting go.  I have my boundaries and am steadfast in some of them.  Like, you CAN'T just alk out on someone and expect to make up and have it not be over the next day.  I'm just hurting.  Heck, I'm down right depressed.  I am finding it hard to get out of bed everyday.  I don't know how to let this play out.