Topic : True Love

Lori,
Have you considered professional guidance? When the issues are overwhelming and you feel almost helpless, having an unbiased, third-party professional guide you can be so helpful.
I highly recommend reading Dr. Phil’s book, “Self Matters.” This book can help you create healthy balance in your life. You shouldn’t be suffering through this, day after day, without some help; if you can’t seek professional guidance, then checking out this book or other self-help books can be helpful.
You are admitting that you have created/caused issues and you need some assistance cleaning up the mess. You are only human; be gentle with yourself. Do you feel that you can talk to your husband about anything? Or do you have to be careful of what you say?

I feel as though I have to be careful of what I say.

 

I cannot afford to purchase a copy of Self Matters and have been unable to locate one at any of my local libraries to check out.

 

As far as professional guidance, I started last April going to a Psychologist, unfortunately, it only lasted about 3 sessions as it was too expensive.  I was also paying him to tell me the same things my husband was telling me.  The Psychologist told me sometimes it takes an impartial 3rd person to listen and tell you certain things in order for them to get through to you and really make sense.  When I told my husband that, that's when I stopped going to him.

 

My current insurance covers these visits, however, I am afraid to bring up my going to see anyone again for the fact that he may think it is a waste of money.

 

Any suggestions about obtaining the books?

 

 

 

I am glad you found the post you were refering to that I wrote for you. It is hard but give it a try and work your way up, the thing is give him his air time, and do not interupt, it is important that he feels heard, if you find that you are able to respond calmly repeat back to him what he said to you in your own words, so he knows he was heard, then take a time out to think about what he said.

he needs to be clear with what he is saying, and if he is not being clear you need to let him know that.

He may be beating around the bush, simply because he does nto want to start an argument, this is a good place to practice the giving of ears, even if it is for only five minutes.

I really have a problem when there is ultimatums given and time frames such as the one you described.

honeslty hun, you contributed to the issues yup, but a marriage is two people and if two people want to make it work then they both have to work it.

You are by no means stupid, I had a really great mentor who said there are no stupid questions, the only thing stupid is the people that never ask the question and keep themselves in everlasting ignorance lol.

So ask him to enlighten you as to what the little things are that he is making refrence to.

I am curious as to how old your husband is as mine is 63 and he is still working.

I am thinking your hubby is 65+?

Cleaning , my husband is the same way about cleaning, and has said do a little every day to make it easier on my self. The difference is I work at home and pretty much keep my own hours, your situation is vastly different in this regard. Both my husband and I have been in both roles, were he stayed home and I went to work out side the home, at that time he took care of our home, was darn good at it too lol.

Knowing how stressful and time consuming working out side the home is I can totally relate to you being tired and wanting to relax,.

Honestly, it can not be a situation of when he see's you changing to fit his mold that he will then begin to become a partner in the marriage. It does not work that way hun.

There has to be comprimises, and give and take and visa versa.

The saying that he was goingto base this "time frame" on his wants/needs is not a good omen. In fact it was very insulting and demeaning to place the sanctity and preservation of your marriage on such a shallow thing.

By the way just to clarify for you, it is give and take and he needs to give you your five minutes too.

honestly hun, you must take back control of the situation, you are giving way to much of your personal power away due to fear. I really do understand were you are coming from and do understand the heartache, the fear and the sense of losing control, and powerlessness, and helplessness, if i missed anything please feel free to share.

the problem is fear is powerlessness, helplessness and it is a loss of control.

The solution is to be assertive in this partnership, really! not aggressive not even remotly passive aggressive, but positvily assertive.

this is coming back to his ultimatium, ultimatiums in a marriage a partnership a loving union, are unacceptable, they are hurtful, they cause fear, as you very well are feeling right now.

You are going to bneed some back bone and a strong spiritual sense of self but you need to let him know this is not acceptable to you.

You agree that there should be changes made, and are open to hearing what changes he would like to see, take your five minutes and share what changes you would like to see.

Then when you are calm, tell him that you have thought about it and his "time frame" is not acceptable, what would be more acceptable would be if you both started working at becoming the people you each feel in love with and better, and noticing the efforts of both parties within say four weeks!

You can both do a lot within four weeks.

for you, you need to see if he really is putting his best foot forward and trying to save the marriage, or if he is simply waiting for you to do all the work so he can lower the boom on you when he gets what he wants.

He may be the best thing that has happened to you, and you really do not want to lose him, but giving your personal power and intgrity away is not only going to lose him to you, but your self as well.

Does this make sense? Painful, I know, and my five minutes are probaly up but hun I really do have compassion and empathy for you.

First and foremost he can lose you just as much as you can lose him, there really needs to be equal footing here, and I don't give a dang how old he is, my hubby learned pretty quick that if he pulls the age card on me it is not going to work lol.

Get back on equal footing and get that awful threat of this so called "time frame" of the table, and be clear about what chores you are responsible for and what you can handle, taking in to consideration your work load. And what he needs to handle considering his work load.

Ok, way past five minutes lol. Looking forward to hearing from you and sending a healing hug your way.

Get the fear ourt of the equation, it should never have entered the marriage!

Hugs

Tammy

 

 

 

 

He is 61.  He retired early due to the fact that his job put him under so much stress that it was either retire or let his job kill him.  What would you choose?

 

Before I turned into this "creature", everything was totally awesome between us.  We laughed, joked, hugged and kissed in public, held hands walking, even put our arms around each other while we walked in the parking lot at stores! 

 

It has only been since I did such stupid things that everything has gone down hill!  Even more so lately!

 

Hopefully, I can all of this turned around quickly and be the person I know I can be - positive, loving, caring, and powerful within my own feelings of myself.

 

I just don't really know where to begin!

 

Lori

 

 

 

 

 

my husband and i met at work. he pursued me through a mutual friend and we started dating. he is 12 yrs. my senior and that kinda made me a little unsure. we got a long very well, but he was not my type at all. our relationship got more serious and we actually fell in love with each other. the only problem was he was still married to his second wife and i had just got out of a relationship that was supposed to end in marriage. we were seperated for a short time, but still kept in touch and i also began talking to my ex again. i began hoping we could get back together and let my older companion go. well, my heart was broken again, and i went running back to this friend. little did i know, he always worried about me talking to or seeing this ex again. our relationship started growing weak and i was having second thoughts about even going back to him when i did. my parents loved him of course, the kids got along with him, so i stuck in there. one Christmas, he popped up with a ring. i'm thinking, what is this? i couldn't think straight.  i ask him and he just says what ever you want it to be. me wanting to be married starts telling everyone i'm getting married. i let him move in with me and all hell breaks loose. this is a totally different man now. i married him anyway thinking maybe he was just trying to secure our relationship and things will eventually get better. they actually get worse. he starts accusing me cheating and going through my cell phone or the house phone to see who i have been talking to. he was the one working at the time and i stayed at home and got accused of having guys over at the house while he's at work. it had even gotten to the point that he had a problem with me going shopping with my mother. oh, and of course he started throwing the money thing in my face because he was the only one working. i sit back hoping that i can wake up from this nightmare but it never happens. we finally sit down and talk about things but that only helps for about a week. he picks with me about little things that don't even make since just to start an argument.once the argument starts he tries to throw my past in my face of which shared with him trying to have an open honest relationship. it has been a year and a half later and he doesn't seem to quit. my kids and i have all become immune to his behaviors and i'm not sure if i want to try to work things out anymore. i am a totally different person now that i am married and don't really know who that is. i need help baaaaaad!   

I really don't know where to start on this.  I don't really watch this show but my wife does and I am having a very difficult problem with her and am searching for answers.  We have been married for 7 years and have two children (3 and 7) together and are in our late 20's.  We have a great marriage other than one thing that we constantly argue about.  She tells me that she needs to go out and drink without me at the bars which has bothered me for a long time.  I've asked her to please just invite me too.  I feel like I'm boring her and she needs to do this to get something she's not getting from me.  I try to buy some drinks and make her dinner and have a movie and she comes home from work puts her sweat pants and sweat shirt on has two  beers and falls asleep.  When she goes out to the bar, she dresses very sexy and has multiple drinks (often drinking for about 4-6 hours straight).  I really try not to let it bother me but she tells me that she doesn't want me there and makes me feel guilty for not trusting her.  I try to trust her so badly but it's not her that I don't trust.  It's the single guys at the bar that could care less about the ring on her finger.  Now her going out and having a few beers is one thing but when she goes out she doesn't leave until the bar closes and they kick everybody out.  She is currently away on a business trip training for a new job 3 hours away from me with a male coworker who is staying at the same hotel.  Last night they went out to the bar together with the other guys from her new job and their girlfriends and didn't get back to the hotel until 2:00am.  At this point we argued on the phone for two hours and she told me that she "needs" to go to the bar and have other men hit on her because "it makes her feel good about herself".  I try to explain to her how nervous i get when she is out and not answering her cell phone.  She turns it around on me and makes me feel so guilty for being insecure and not trusting her, but I can't help feeling scared and afraid.  She told me last night that I'm not "fun enough at the bar" and that's why she doesn't want me there and that this is the way that she is and if i can't deal with it tough because she should be able to "go out and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants".  I feel like she has no compassion for my feelings because everytime i tell her how i feel she makes me feel guilty for feeling that way.  A completely different situation but this Christmas eve at her families house, I went to bed early because her whole family plays cards constantly and i don't know how to play cards (i admit i need to learn to adapt and play them too), but she came down and had me in tears all night telling me that "you know that they play cards all the time, so if you didn't want to play, then why did you even come?", I told her i came to be with her and our children on Christmas and she told me to "quit being a whiny baby".  This is really tearing my life apart and i need a way to express to her how i feel without feeling guilty.  Am i being overprotective and over-emotional??  Please, please help and am very scared and confused.

Let me start by saying, your doing the right thing by talking and communicating. GREAT! your letting her know how it makes you feel. Now let me say that women do need time away from the home and work environment. and I understand that it scares you to think that if your not there to protect her that something might happen. But if your wife really loves  you and is secure in the marriage then she knows who loves her and is there for her and she won't do anything to jeopardize that. If she needs to go out to make herself feel good then maybe you should try to make her feel good about herself at home. Tell her how you like the way she makes herself up, or dresses, or the way she cooks a certain dish. Instead of complaining about her going out. Make her feel good when she is home TOO.  Lot's of women don't feel appreciated at home so they use going out as an excuse to get attention they really want for home life. Hope I kind of gave you some advice from a woman's point of view. and I hope this helps. And try, try , try not to argue about the going out to much,  it may draw her away from whats really a good thing (YOU).

Good Luck and take care

Aloha

~Ha-y-ngirl~

I need some serious advise or help. I am so unhappy every moment  that I am awake.  My stomach stays in knotts and I stay  so stressed over  every little thing because I can't get this feeling out of my head or my stomach. I am married Have been with my husband for 8 years married for 3. I am 11 years older than he is.( My first marriage he was 11 years older than me. Lasted 11 years) We met and went out on a date about 2 -3 weeks after we met online. Yes I know the online thing. We decided to meet in an open place and just have a good time even if we were not attracted to each other. But we were attracted to each other. We saw each other for about 3 months and we moved in together. We have no children together I do have two of my own from a previous marriage. They are grown and have families of their own. My problem is I love my husband very much. I think he still loves me. I don't think he has ever cheated on me but I do know that he flirts with other he calls it being friendly to everyone. i call it flirting. I have alot of trust issues that I can't seem to get passed. I cant stand him talking to other at all. I it. It ly makes me sick to my stomach. I am a very jealous person. My husband and I ly don't go places very much other than on the weekends we might go pick up one of our( I say ours because he treats them like ours) kids and take them to the store with us or we go out and eat. We work all week and we usually come home and do nothing. He either goes to sleep when he gets home or we watch tv or he gets on the computer or plays xbox 360. Not much of a life ly. He comes home puts his stuff down gets something to drink plays with the dog and thats about it. My problem is I would like him to come home and say Hi to me or maybe a hug or a kiss or just acknowledge me.He will hug me if I ask first or kiss me if I ask first. He don't ly show a whole lot emotion to me. I try to talk to him about it and all he says is ok what ever or something like that. I feel unwanted and unloved I have told him that to.He don't ly have anything to say about it. I will ask him if he loves me and he says yes. We don't ly have a problem in the bedroom at all. But as far as him showing me that he loves me that is a problem. I tell him I love him all the time. now he says that I am smothering him and that I should go out and have fun. This scares me to why does he want me to do this now after 8 years of being together. I am looking hard to find something that says he loves me. I look all the time and study him to see if maybe he is thinking of another or how it might be to be with another . I was trying to plan a vacation so that we could spend some time alone to see if maybe that might help and he says that it is to early in the year to take a vacation. So here I am being stupid and trying to spend time together and he is making plans to spend time apart. I am ly not getting this. We argue a lot I mean alot over stupid stuff. It seems like the only time that we are together is when we make love. I need more. I feel like I don't have anybody. I have told him before of all the things that I thought we could work on and he has no need to work on anything he says. he says he is just fine. I feel like the dog gets more attention than I do and I can't stand that feeling. I am the type of person that I have to feel like he loves me and If I don't get the attention I might look else where to find it. I don't want to do this. I have been in this situation before.  Please help I know that I am rattling on and this probably don't even make any sense.

Honestly i do not feel you are being over protective or over emotional, the fact is she is amrried to you and in my own personal opinion a married woman has no buisness going to a "bar" with out her husband, to seek out attention and compliments from other men.

As for trust, trust is just not a given once we become married... we earned that trust from or S/O just like they earned ours, however, if we or they start behaving in ways that erode that trust, umm yea it can be lost.

The problem with the feeing that she can "go out and do whatever she wants. whenever she wants" is that she is married with children, and when that happened she, like you become responable for more that just your  selves.

To be able to express yourself with out feeling guilty you need to know in your heart and mind that what you are feeling is not wrong and you are justified for expressing those feelings.

Knowing that is not going to make it easier to express them, however, you should not feel guilty for feeling the way you feel or expressing those feelings, because they are not wrong feelings they are hurtful feelings and you have every right to express that.

As for her calling you a "whiny baby" that is just one way of negating or shufling of the responsabilty of  your hurt feelings by calling you names and such is is effectivly shuting you down so she does not have to "deal" with the hurt she is causing.

honestly it sounds like she is trying to live a single life, while being a married woman, it is hurtful and wrong.

She pretty much has been given a free pass to do what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants, and have a safe place to fall if things go bad for her, she does not have to work on her inner self confidence, self esteem, or marriage, simply because it is working for her, although it is not working for you.

know in your heart and mind that your feelings are justified and you have the right to express them, even if they make her uncomfortable. They probably will becauseshe probably knows already that what she is doing is hurting you and your family, but she is placing her needs and wants over everybody else's.

I really do hope things get better for you and your family, and that your wife can come to see that her behaviors are really causing pain and hurtand take steps to change that .

Tammy

 

 

I understand your pain. I hope I can help some.

 

I am a mother of two girls, I am 39 years old and recently married. My husband after 20 years walked out on me, left me high and dry. I share that so you know I am speaking from experience.

 

Your wife is up to no good. There is no reason why a husband or wife should be out running around without the other especially a bar/night life activities.

 

I am a female also, and ran around a bit when I finally felt I needed to get out after the divorce. I've never been so appauld in my life. NO WOMAN needs to be at a bar/nightclub MARRIED! I got hit on by so many guys ( married and un married) and better yet..... I was wearing my wedding ring ( even when I wasn't married anymore).... They didn't care!!!

 

You need to take a stand for YOU.  if this is what she wants to do, let her do it without you. Because she is sleeping with someone, being out that late and a hotel and not answering her phone. I promise you..... if she isn't she is probably in the process. She now has connections at the bar, and all the hits that she is getting that is making her feel good.

 

Please look deep in your heart, and really look at the big picture. Look at everything. Don't be someone that will get served divorce papers out of the blue, and loose everything......because you didn't want to think she was having an affair!

 

Good Luck