Topic : True Love

I have been married for 8 years to a wonderful girl and we have 2 kids. I treat my wife w/ the utmost respect and tell her that I love her everyday. She says that I am "perfect". A couple of weeks ago she went to a counselor with her friend (they can take guests) and i thought nothing of it. I did notice that she was becoming really distant with me and something seemed wrong. I was trying to put a time frame to everything and eventually asked if it all happened when she went to the counselor with her friend. She told me that the counslor was for HER. It just felt like a kick to the stomach. How can she go behind my back and see a counselor. Why wouldn't she come to me? We talked on Friday and she said that she was "stuck". She didn't thnk she could love me as much as I loved her. She said she was drifting away and felt that we were living as roomates. She is afraid and doesn't know what to do. She knows that this is a good life I give her but she has doubts. 

  

Has anyone gone through this before. 

thanks for listening. 

dannyd 

Does your first love ever die? or am just crazy You see I was very much in love with my high school sweet heart and we were suppose to get married but to make a long story short. I guess I messed things up, or he did not sure anymore. But he married another woman and left me. Said I was too young and too wild and needed to so called sew my wild oats. Anyway this has been over fifteen years ago and i still have this person very alive in my heart. I have not spoke to him and even seen his face. I got on with my life married my first husband not out of love because I never believed I could love again and It was not a healthy relationship, had a child and remarried my second husband who I did allow my self to fall in love with. been married over 6 years now and everything is great as to be expected. The problem is that I still have feelings rush in all the time from the boy from long ago. I have contacted him, emailed him poems, and just given hang up calls to hear his voice. He lives over 1400 miles away from me and is still married to the woman he left me for all those years ago. I don't even know what he may look like today but he stays in my heart always and will not allow to love my current husband the way he deserves to be loved by me. I know I can not keep sending these crazy poems for my husband knows nothing of theses feelings what do I do? Is this normal? Has anybody else out there had a similar experience. I am very happy with my husband but my first love stays in my heart and keeps me confused will I ever be able to totally give my heart to another. Lost in Love in Texas

If I had a chance with my true first love once more, I would do everything in the world to try and make something happen. I lost my true love and he married another woman and to this day is still married to her and that was fifteen years ago. I have since been married and I have a wonderful husband and life, but there is not a day that goes by that i do not think of my first love and what if.... 

So I think if you are not too far involved you should go with it. I don't know, I just know that I am married to a man and my heart stays with another and it is not that fun. I guess I do believe you can love two people at the same time because I am very much in love with my husband as well. 

Maybe she is feeling a little inadequate for whatever reason and you just need to be there and support her, encourage her every day and help her around the house and all, I am sure you do these things amongst other things but it sounds like she might need some reassurrance or maybe some kind of a boost in her self esteem, My husband and I are very close and we have a lot of respect for each other but we are two different indiviuals and our thought processes are different, women go through all kinds of emotions and can't always pin point the problem, believe me, I have been there, do you have date nights with your wife? if not, maybe you should start them, offer to cook dinner and make it a candle light, treat her like it is your first date with her, whatever you do, make her feel real special but do not give up on her, seeing a counselor can be a good thing. does she work or does she work a paying job? both can be a bit overwhelming to a mother/wife, there are certainly a lot of responsibilities when taking care of a family, does she go out and do fun things with friends or even herself, you need to encourage her to do these things. you sound like a great husabnd and I am sure she knows this, stick with her and see what happens, communicate with her and let her know that you are there for her. I really wish I could help fix the problem but do know that otheres do know what you and her are going through but it is possible to overcome the obstacles that come our way.

My now husband and I went through this before we married, only it was him that was going through the emotional crisis of it all, we had been dating for almost a year and the more we we went out and spent time together, the more i was falling in love with him and I knew within a few months that we were eant for each other, then one day as we were talking, he told me that even though he loved me, he wasn't sure he even wanted to get married, I was devestated and sad. The good thing is that we did not live together, but we did spend just about every day together having fun and talking and being with friends and all, so I knew that this was going to be hard but I told him, that I loved and cared for him so much but it wasn't fair for either one of us to be in this relationship at this point, I told him that I didn't want to go out with him any more, at least not until he knew what he wanted in life, he didn't even know that, let alone not sure if he even wanted to get married, well he agreed and we went a week without seeing each other, which I thought would have been a lot longet time, but it was he who came knocking on my door and we talked and he told me what he was thinking and feeling, long story short, we needed space and time to be a way from each other, even though we didn't know it was only going to be a week, it worked out that way, we ended up marrying a couples months later and have been in love and married for over 12 years. it basically came down to him feeling inadequate and a littel nervouse about making a committment, he knew that he loved me and wanted to be with me but to make such imporant vows was a little scary. Every night that we didn't see each other, he would think and ponder upon what he wanted in life, his goals and his dreams and even thought about life what it could be with or with out me, he weighed out all the pros and cons that he could think about and by the end of the week, he was able to come to the conclusion and he did talk to some one about it as well, helps to get things, thoughts out in the open. Maybe, you just need to have space and time apart from each other, think and evaluate your life, think about your goals and dreams, you are young and have plenty of time to get your thoughts and future in place, know what you want before making the committmetn, you need to take care of you or you will be no good to any one. Your boyfriend will be fine, it may be hard for him but it will help him in the long run as well. he is basically in the same situation that I was in and even though I loved my now husband and wanted so much to be the one for him and to get married and to have his children and all, I also knew that I wanted to be happy and fullfilled as well as I wanted him to be and no way was I willing to settle for less, I wanted some one who could make me happy and who wouldn't regret marrying me so I had to let him go and explore himself. Who knows, by doing this, you may realize that you are for him, it could be a week, or month or even a year but you must put your slef first at this point and he sounds like a cool guy, appreciate him for who he is and let him know how you feel and let him be free to do as he sees fit during this time, maybe he will see some one else, maybe not but take it one day at a time, for me, as a christian, I prayed a lot as well as did my husband, we wanted to make the right decission for both of us and fortuanely it did work out for us, but whatever the case, take care of you and do what is right for you and give your slef space, if you are honest and sincere with your self, the answers will come.

Hey jettav, 

  

Thank for the reply. It is really reassuring that other people have the same problems. To respond to your answer: yes, I have started really helping around the house so she doesn't get so stressed. She does work outside the home and we have 2 kids and I do realize that that is demanding. I do get off work early enough to pick the kids up from school and be at home with them in the afternoon. For the past couple of days, I have actually cooked dinner, did laundry, cleaned up, etc... just call me mister mom. I know it's going to take a lot longer than a couple of days but it's off to a good start. I am also going to take her to see Rob Thomas on Sunday night for our "date" night. 

  

Yes she does go out with her friends to have a few drinks and hang out and dance. I always thought that you should give your wife plenty of space and not smother her. Let her go out with her friends and/or do her own thing every once in a while. Well, I think the root of this problem is that I would go play poker every Friday night (sometimes Saturday too) and she would go out. Well this has been going on for over a year now and she says that she has started to drift away. HELLO!!!  why didn't I realize that I was ruining my marriage. Every once in a while doesn't mean every freakin week!!!  I just wish I would have opened my eyes sooner.  Well I didn't play poker on friday night cuz that is when we had the "talk" and I put things into perspective.   

  

Yes raising a family with 2 small kids is a lot of work. Especially when they are in football and drill team. Practice is mon, tue, thu, fri with games on saturday. It really does bite into your free time. I just realize now that I have to make an effort to pay attention to my wife and treat her like the beautiful person that she is.  

  

Thanks again for your response 

dannyd 

I'm no pro.  I don't know your wife.  I can't even give you advice.  But it sounds like your wife may be waiting for the other shoe to fall.  Danny, some people are not used to a "good" relationship.  I know that sounds crazy, but it is true.  They are so accustomed to bad relationships, that when something good comes along, it's too good to be true.  So, instead of truly enjoying the relationship, they hold their breath thinking that it is going to fall apart any minute now.  Those kinds of people eventually wind up sabotaging their relationships.  Yes, it could take as long as 8 years to surface.  Emotions are crazzzzzzzzzzzzy! 

  

If she says you are perfect, why does she feel like you're roommates?  I'm not asking that for you to answer to me.  It's just something that makes you go hmmmmmmmmm. Smile!   

  

She says that she doesn't think that she can love you as much as you love her.  Tell your wife that love isn't a competition.  It's a choice.  It's not a fly by night feeling.  It's a choice to be patient, be kind, forgive, not be selfish, not be rude, and to bear with to name a few characteristics of love.  You press through how you "feel" and show love because you "choose" to. 

  

As a married woman, I have to say that one of the most inappropriate things that anyone spouse can do is seek counsel without the other spouse's knowledge, and any counselor that hears a married person without hearing both sides isn't high on the list of appropriate order.  That's only "my opinion".  However, have some mercy.  Don't be mad at her.  Part of knowing where our loved one is at is "consistent" communication.  Sometimes couples get so familiarized with one another that they stop doing the things they did while they were dating or when they were newlyweds that keep the marriage spicy.  They stop dating.  They stop buying gifts for each other.  They stop calling each other at work to sing "I just called to say I love you".  (I'm only making statements, not assuming this is your situation since you tell her you love her everyday.)  Regular communication gets lost and life becomes routine.  Even having children effect the marriage relationship.  You've got to "make time" for each other and make it a "priority".  My husband and I date once a week.  If our daughters don't go with their biological mother, we will find a sitter if we have to.  But our relationship means that much to make that weekly investment of quality time.  We will take a trip for a weekend once a quarter just to get away and reaffirm our relationship. 

  

People invest in their careers all the time.  We married folk have to make investments in our relationships, cultivate them "consistently". 

  

Danny, as women, we want a man who will provide and take care of his home, but we also crave something else.  It varies from woman to woman.  No two are alike.  You have to find out what your woman's "love language" is.  What truly adds to her happiness? 

  

Your wife may be going through something that has nothing to do with you.  If you are a Christian, pray for her and with her.  When my husband prays with me, it blows my mind the petitians that he puts before God for me.  My heart melts all over again. 

  

Another key for you is to not let her feelings and behavior change yours.  Continue being the wonderful husband that you are.  Don't back down.  It's easy to get caught up in someone else's feelings and allow it to effect how we act.  But marriage is work.  You've been married much longer than me so I'm sure you know.  Continue to love her, encourage her and fight for your marriage.  Give her space when she needs it.  Let her know that you are willing to listen to her without commenting.   

  

You sound like a wonderful man.  I pray that all works out for you and your wife.  Hopefully her friend is someone who is encouraging your wife in her marriage and not against it.  I thank God that when I hit a difficult spot in my marriage, I have friends who give me advice that push me closer to my husband and not cause me to doubt him.  They encourage me to see things from my husband's point of view.  They never say anything against my husband.  They even help me to see my faults.  You can't ask for better friends than that.  I hope your wife will attach herself to such a friend. 

hi there, 

I have been married for 16 years with 4 children, lifes normal ups and downs. 

But20 years ago I parted from my first true love, I have been wordering what his like and were he is for 20 years. We were forced apart by my father as he did not like my love. 

After 20 years and on the 20th of this month, I recieved an email of my first real love, saying he missed me and was wondering about my life all these years. He tracked me down through family members 

This has bought up many old feelings as I have always love this person deeply. 

He is happy married and so am I, so why am I going through this stage of feelings, and thoughts of my love for him after so long? 

I am not out to make trouble for him and therefore do not want trouble for myself and my family. 

I know this person would never cause me harm, but HOW CAN I STOP THESE FEELINGS FOR HIM? 

 

thanks for the long meaningful response.  We did have a long talk last night before bed. I can give you a little background. This is her second marriage and the first one was very drug induced. Her and her first husband were really into drugs and he was a manic deppressive who was constantly trying to "kill himself". She woke up and quit drugs (cold turkey, which I think is pretty amazing) and got out of the marriage. When she was separated, her friend introduced her to a guy and after dating for about a month or two, she became pregnant. Now she had to tell her estranged husband about this and the "sperm donor", as she found out, was a convicted child molester who molested his own daughter.  So that relationship ended, the "sperm donor" went back to his wife and she was sitting there, pregnant with nothing. Now I don't know about you but I can't fathom going through all that.  On top of that, the "sperm donor" claimed it wasn't his and would having nothing to do with his own son. She even had to get a dna test to prove it was his. Anyway, when her son was 3 months old, we met and I accepted both of them as my own. She finally got the divorce, we got married and I adopted her son as my own. We had another baby girl a year and a half later and here we are today, a few years later. Maybe when we got married, it was instant family and we had no time to grow together as a couple. Who knows. Maybe you are right and she is not used to a "good" relationship.   

  

About going to the counselor behind my back. Her friend actually convinced her to go and the reason that she didn't tell me was because she didn't want to hurt me and thought this was all a phase and it would pass. I told her that I am glad that I found out so I can get everything back on track. It's actually been pretty nice, I have been spending more time with the family and her (like we used to) and I can see a big improvement in her. I'm not leaving every friday anymore playing poker (just every once in while). 

  

Her best friend that she has known forever (the one that convinced her to get counseling) is really on my side. She is actually jealous of my wife for having everything she has and can't understand why she (my wife) feels so empty either.  

  

thanks again for your response 

it has been helpful