Topic : True Love

I think a part of maturity is being able to walk away from a relationship that we know isn't healthy for us even though at times it makes us feel good.

 

I haven't always been the best poster child for self-control. I would always end my affair and I would be able to resist him until he would call me again. I finally had to change my cell phone number and e-mail address. I knew I could be strong as long as he couldn't contact me. All I can say is over time it got easier. He has absolutely no hold over me now.

 

I know you have probably been told this, but take time for yourself. Don't get into another relationship right away. You don't need a man to make you happy. When you are emotionally ready for a relationship don't settle for someone who is unavailable, you deserve so much better than that! 

 

Best of luck to you!   

 

 

      I was in your wifes position once and what I did was leave my partner. He took anger management  while we were together and that didn't work. we also went to relationship councilling and that didn't work. Than I left him and had no contact with him for 8 months. He realized what he was doing to me and my son once I wasn't their and did angermanagement again. Only this time he knew it was for real and he took it a lot more serious. When I decided to try our relationship again, he was a changed man. He has not abused me mentally, physically, or verbally for over two years now. Untill your wife decides to take it seriously and actually leave you for you to get the help you need, you will probably never stop. I really feel sorry for her and your child, that will probably grow up and continue your behaviour on another woman. Here are some things that we do when things get heated, and they work for us.

- we always sit down when we have an arguement. That way neither one of us feels superior or threatened.

- We have a safe zone. We use or bedroom as the spot to go to if one person feels threatened or exausted. The other person is not aloud in the safe zone while the other is using it. That way you get some time to cool off.

- we discuss one topic at a time. and we never bring up the past.

 

My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. We had marraige councelling and individual sessions. We had two little girls who found the yelling difficult to cope with and would 'shut down' alot. I looked at their little faces and decided I did not want them to think this was all they were worth when they grew up. I left my husband; he then said he had started anger management (later on when I told him I did not trust him he revealed  he had only gone to one class!).  The issue is, it is very hard to trust again when you have heard it all before; it really doesn't matter how much you as a wife and mother long for it to be true. There was no reconsiliation between us. I can only suggest; looking at your own health, as in fittness and vitality. I really believe that if the body is truely healthy then the mind can follow. Walk... while the body id busy you breath fresh air and the mind can't help to ponder the big issues. If you have a good relationship with your parents or a sibling (BUT ONLY IF IT IS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP) ask them how you were as a child and teenager, maybe they have a clue into where it all started. I really believe that talking to others really helps but only if you are really honest and prepared to pull your psychi to bits then put it all together again, 'rewire your harddrive'. Try date night on a set night a fourtnight, even just a walk together after dinner.

I know it will take alot of work, trust, love and patience on your part and your wife too; but sad to say probably most of the work will fall on your shoulders I think. I hope you both can give eachother the space to heal and the support to start again. Do it and mean it.

I wish you luck and I hope you both are successful.

i for one have been threw hell and back and i think true love is what you make it and how you really know that person i would say i have found true love i would also say life is as hard as you make it with or without true love you have to live to love and love to live before you truley know what true love is

 

I have been married for 3+ years to a beautiful woman and at times it has not been easy on us both, We have come to Europe to live (my wife is Dutch & I am a NZer) which has given us afew more extra situations to try and problem solve. Lately we have had communication problems (well we have been communicating but sometimes not in the most respectful ways toward each other)... I don't want to sound off "what my wife has done wrong & i sit here thinking I am a saint...which I am not, I can be a (so called) quiet typical male".

My upbringing was filled with ... "a fathers past, that hurt his childrens future... alcohol & violence was sometimes the norm to hear at nights where crying yourself to sleep just happened"  communicating was not taught at home to me yet throughout my young adult life I searched for the tools sometimes I listened/observed and gathered what I could from those people whom lived & breathed a loving relationship(s) not only with their partners and family but close friends. This has helped me become a better communicator on a basic level (beyond the grunts & snorts of a typical male hahahaha)

 

But one sticky situation that has risen is "spirituality"... now my culture is a very spiritual culture & I have en follow basic principles (where others right to follow their own paths are important) however I have since found out my wife said I do not fill a large part of her life which is her spirituality side, becos our views are so different our difference on that level is too big... to the point she asked why she fell in love (don't know at that point if that was in anger)"... I am heart broken & would love to share in her beliefs if only to acknowledge to her it is ok with me what she follows that path but not when my voice & beliefs are believed to be wrong. At the start she found no problems with my own beliefs & asking her to always be open to others beliefs (what we believe to be wrong is from our point of view, others have that right to follow what they believe).

I am at a loss from this point where I am in her life...I don't want to lose her or my own beliefs, my friends range from various religions becos we can be open about that, then why is it so difficult in my relationship to find that middle ground...?

 

ps: when I asked is finding a spiitual-man her option, her face lit up like a christmas tree... and my heart sunk lower...

I am so confused right now.  I have been married to my husband for 6  years and things have never been worse.  My husband is not supportive of anything I do, and doesn't even support the kids.  I have been contemplating leaving him, but I'm scared.  He is all I know.  I can really see that I'm miserable with him, but I don't know how to let go of this bad marriage.  I don't know if I'm afraid that no one else will want me, or what.  I just know that I'm tired of being verbally abused, I'm tired of having my privacy invaded, and I'm tired of feeling bad about myself.  I need help.  This marriage is so toxic and I don't know why I stay.  I just don't know why!!

I definitely feel your pain.  I was using these boards around 3 years ago, trying to help me to get out of my very abusive marriage.  I have 4 children, and my ex.....yes now he is my ex!!!!!  was very verbally , mentally abusive and a total control freak.  I couldn't do anything....or anything right in his eyes.  I really don't know why I married him, but I did, and I felt as if I had no sense of myself.  I couldn't think for myself, I couldn't do anything with out him having a fit of anger any time.  Every family function was ruined by his actions. 

 

I'm not here to bash another husband, I am only here to let you know that I've been there.  I never thought I could make it on my own.  I didn't work, I was a stay-at-home mom and he never would let (isn't that nice.....let me) have any money.  Anyway, you should count your blessings, you mentioned that you have children.  They should be your focus.  Remember who you are, and you are a person who deserves the best.  You should never be meant to feel any less of a woman.  If he is as abusive as you say, you should start with counciling, if that is what you want, try to save the marriage.  If you think that it has gone too far and you don't have any love for him anymore, you need to get your children out of a bad environment. 

I did not want my girls ( I have 3 and 1 boy) to grow up and believe that is how men treat women.  To be degraded, insulted and belittled on a daily basis.  My son was going to grow up to be just like his dad, and I would not except that.  It was very hard to get out of the marriage, but now looking back, it is soooooooo worth it.  I have been divorced for 2 years now, and I feel so much better about myself, and my children are in such a better place.  It won't happen unless you allow it to happen.  Do not put up with the abuse any longer.  Would you want your children to be treated as you are being treated?

 

Your toxic marriage is going to ruin you and your children.  You need to do something, and start now.  You do not deserve this.

 

From someone who has been there and loving each and every day now..........Four2love

Hello there!! i met that italian guy 2 months ago. we go out everyday when he's in Morroco, when he went back to italy he keep calling everyday and all day long, we talked about everything and nothing, he said he's serious and he wants to marry me, i'd love to but i don't know what to do

the last time he came to Morroco, he bring to me a lot of presents, we had sex, a really good one, you can feel that we're in love, we hang out... The problem is that he's not muslim, my family won't accept him, but he said he's really to be a muslim, so that's nice of him, he's ready to do anything for me.

he wanted to talk to my family now but my mother said no, we don't have to rush things, i've met him just two months ago so it's not enough to marry him, he's upset and he wants to be with me forever

actually, i still continue my studies and i work in a good company so i will have to let my job, my family and everything here to go with him

but he's really nice, he never done something bad to me, he let me do whatever i want

what should i do?

After I watched todays show, i felt I just had to write. I am 50, on my third marriage. What the heck is wrong with these women. I would give anything to be alone again. I hate my marriage. I am tired of schedules, being cold and just being unhappy. I thin I could make myself happier then my husband make me happy. I used to think like these women, that I couldnt be happy without a man but every day now I wonder how much longer I can stay in this marriage. I am so unhappy. The only time I am happy here is when Joe is gone. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. The minute I see him come home I start getting upset. He doesnt abuse me but I am just not in love with him anymore. Dont get me wrong I love him but I want to be alone again. Not lonely, just alone. There is a difference. It would be so nice to sleep when I wanted, eat when I wanted, not just be on his schedule, doing what he wants. He has been there during all my knee surgieries and helped my tremendousley with everything, but lately the feelings just arent there anymore. I feel so guilty writing this, but this is the only place I can be honest with myself. I just am living for the day when I can be alone again.

 

 

My love for my wife is killing me. She left me a year ago because of my anger and the inability to support the family.

I had a thriving business that in less than 6 months went broke because of a business deal that went bad because I could not and would not support.

I went from making $25,000 per month to owing over $1.5 million dollars.

I lost my friends, business and then my wife. Shortly after she left me I tried to kill myself but obviously did not do a very good job.

 

My wife has two children from different fathers both are great kids and I love them as if they were mine, the youngest Lance Jacob lived with us and he is the special one.  He is 15 and a type of kid that you just can’t help but love. The Oldest is 19 and lives with his father.

This family that I had is so important to me it is what drives me to be me.

I have gone to counseling church and professionally to work on my issues. All have told me that I am not the one that is messed up but it is my wife that needs the help. I do believe that is some ways but not in all it takes two to tango.

 

I love my family so much but my wife is dating and seeing other people drinking heavily. She says that she is not sure what she wants. My son tells me that I can not give up on her for I am the stable one and that they need me in there life.

 

I was going to move on but then I sent my son to a counselor. The counselor called me right after the session and told me that I should not move for my son is fearful that his mom is not going to live a year and that I am the one that is stable that he can always count on.  The counselor was very concerned about the stability of my son mostly if I should leave. All the family members and friends agree that my wife need so help for her alcoholism and her mental stability.

 

There are so many issues I have to deal with right now. The house is in foreclosure, bills are piling up, my business is in start up and running out of cash. My wife needs money which I supply to her. In fact I don’t eat a lot of times so she can go out and have cash in her pocket.  She tells me that she is so glad that I am covering her back that she doesn’t have to worry any more. This situation slowly drawing the life out of me, I pray to god every night that I do not wake or my family comes back.

 

People tell me she was a gold digger when the money went so did she I do not believe that.  I will not believe that! It is been over a year now I have tried to stop and go away but the love that I have for my family and this marriage is so strong that I just can not do it. I can not see anything but the love I have and like I said in the opening I realize that it is going to kill me if I am not able to get my arms around this situation.

 

Please help